To ban my 14 yo DD from dieting?

[NamelessAndShameless]

DD just turned 14 and has started saying she's fat, needs to diet etc, DH and I told her she does not need to diet, but she stormed off. We always eat healthily in our family (breakfast fruit, lunch healthy sarnies), we have one young baby and another on the way, so we're definitely trying to make sure that family stays happy and healthy! The main problem with dd dieting is that she honestly doesn't need to - not saying this in a motherly "my daughter's perfect" way, it's just that she is literally the perfect weight for her age. I dug a little further, and it turns out she's being bullied at school by "friends" saying she's "flabby" (that's a thing?). Anyway, I've told her that in no uncertain terms she is to not eat, or fast or whatever the latest weight loss shit exists, and she said that I'm an awful mother, and hasn't spoken to me for 3 days now. Have I done something wrong? Do dh and I need to look into getting her some help, or is that even worse?

Obs2016 Sympathetic to kids interpreting what you're eating as a parent, I'm on a healthy eating regime atm because of baby, fruit every day, high folic acid foods, and dd started obsessing about fat content :-(

How about encouraging her to take up some sort of strength training (bodyweight/weights etc). That way she would get fitter (always a positive), and it would have a positive impact on her body shape which would give her more self-confidence - would mean you could encourage her to do something positive, rather than denying her something negative IYSWIM.

She's not doing 2 miles for the moment but as soon as baby's delivered I will definitely run with her again

Not entirely the point but does she have to go to that school? It sounds vile.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine I agree that she should do some light weight training, might get dh to buy her some

PE including 1500m and the gym at weekends isn't a lot of activity. Maybe dropping the 2 mile run has made her feel a bit crap in herself? I know I do when I drop training sessions. Is there a sport she would like to do?

Dds attitude to food and health changed when she took up a sport. For the better. She isn't worried about being skinny, she eats to fuel her training.

RiverTam I don't want her at that school, but it's the best private school in Sussex, and although pastoral care is shit, results are very good, and the school is near our home and dh's workplace so is ideally situated

But crap pastoral care could really mess her up. Are there really no good state schools near? Academic results are important, of course, but it doesn't sound like the school as a whole is worth it.

I really realyl don't get why so many people on here are trying to encourage this girl to do more exercise (on top of nearly a mile's running every day and the gym) when we've been told she's the perfect weight/shape for her age. What kind of message is that going to give her? "Oh no of course you're not fat, love, but how about you just try using these weights I've bought you and let's send you out to spin class and kickboxing."

If she's interested in doing more exercise, getting her involved in a sport where she'll meet people who aren't at her school who are less dickish would probably be helpful. But for god's sake we don't want her imagning even her own mum thinks she's a porker.

Does she do much out of school?

RiverTam I know pastoral care is very important, and when my FIL died, dd was very upset as they were really close and she needed some time off as funeral was in Spain, and school wouldn't let her go because of a talk day there were holding with some politician. In the end I said she had the flu and dh and I took her off to Spain for 2 weeks for the funeral and a cheeky holiday 😉 . I'm not sure but I also think there's a corrolation between academic results and pastoral care - I went to a grammar school, and results were great, but the pastoral care there was shit to put it in polite terms: my best friend at school lost both her parents and school wouldn't even give her the available bereavment counselling

Asking because it's not as simple as. 'Your bmi is fine so you should be ok' , the bullying needs sorting.

But if she is unhappy with her body, a blanket ban on diets won't help and will lead to her doing it in secret. There are ways to support her and keep her talking.

There are no easy answers.

AskingForAPal Thank you! Thank you for understanding that I do not think my daughters fat, (I probably shouldn't go sharing her weight but) she's 39 kg at 14 - I think that's pretty fricking slim and light - and it's not like she's light but fatty, she's light, "exercised" (?) but she's just self conscious and the bitches at school + my deluded MIL are making her even worse!!

You can't "ban" dieting unless you intend to force-feed her.

You can talk to her about how dieting fuels disordered eating. Restricting food intake can cause a build-up of psychological pressures to eat, damage your ability to respond appropriately to hunger cues, and harm self-esteem.

It sounds like getting some counselling to help boost self-esteem would be worthwhile.

And you need to have a serious think about whether the "best" education is worth a lifetime of eating disorders. If is known that there can be unusually high rates of anorexia at some selective, competitive schools (especially girls-only ones).

Gosh. I don't know, I often think that 'as long as they're happy' is a very trite phrase, being happy won't pay the bills in the way that a good education can, but that really does sound shocking. The girls sound snobbish and judgemental. The pastoral care is non-existent. I'd be looking for a new school, and in the meantime maybe involve her in meal planning, let her see what a healthy balanced diet looks like.

Misty School is not girls only, it's mixed and I think that because there are boys she feels even more compelled to have 'the perfect body image' but I'm not banning dieting per se and dd is by no means anorexic and hasn't even started dieting, she's just suggesting that she's chubby and other girls + mil are making this idea even more prominent. I'm also not saying that she's just at that school for the education, as she does enjoy it, she has a lot of friends and is popular, but some old friends have recently been talking about their diets, and as dd is saying she isn't on a diet, she's being called fat

I think the comments about exercising are more to do with the fact that your daughter is being bullied at school and by relatives but you don't seem particularly willing to do anything about that aspect of it. New hobbies outside of school (doesn't have to be sport-related) could build her self-esteem and help her through this time.

RiverTam Well as I said, until dd starts talking to me, I can't plan a meal with her, and with hubbie back late and a young baby + pregnancy cravings it's so hard to plan meals. Also there are no other good private schools near, and as her current school is so perfectly situated, I think for the time being it's best to remain there

Rebecca I am definitely willing to do something about the school, I will contact them but dh is convinced they'll do nothing. As for activities outside of school, dd is very involved, she works with the local hospital on weekends on the children's ward, and volunteers at the animal shelter in the holidays, plus goes to work with her father when he has big cases and enjoys being in the courtroom with him

You could invite her to join you rather than waiting for her to start talking to you? Be proactive and make her feel wanted!

well, I'm not going to keep saying the same thing over and over. Her school sounds awful. You don't want her there. It seems a no-brainier to me.

If your daughter won't speak to you, might it be worth writing her a letter? You could say some of the things that you've said here, like that she's a wonderful girl you love (who is also perfectly proportioned) and that people saying stuff about her are a) wrong b) probably showing more about their own insecurities.

it's possible you seemed cross with her rather than with her bullies the other day, and that's why she's holding out. But also, controlling not speaking to her own mother for a whole three days shows she has quite strong instincts for controlling generally - that's a hallmark of someone who can fall prey to eating disorders.

Rebecca I can't talk to her now as she's at my Mums for the weekend and has turned her phone off so I can't contact her (I'll probably ask my mother to talk to her for me for now) and River The school is really not awful, and next year the pastoral care people change and gets a lot better "reviews" by parents, so we'll hang on till then and reassess

Good luck then, she sounds a lovely girl and hope you work it through.

Asking Writinf a letter to her is a beautiful idea, and I'll give it to her when she comes back from my Mums on Sunday, I also do not think that she will ever fall prey to eating disorders, as dh and I would have got some very professional help by then if she ever got to that point god forbid

Rebecca Thank you, and thank you for your advice and for helping xx