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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban my 14 yo DD from dieting?

161 replies

NamelessAndShameless · 05/05/2016 14:35

DD just turned 14 and has started saying she's fat, needs to diet etc, DH and I told her she does not need to diet, but she stormed off. We always eat healthily in our family (breakfast fruit, lunch healthy sarnies), we have one young baby and another on the way, so we're definitely trying to make sure that family stays happy and healthy! The main problem with dd dieting is that she honestly doesn't need to - not saying this in a motherly "my daughter's perfect" way, it's just that she is literally the perfect weight for her age. I dug a little further, and it turns out she's being bullied at school by "friends" saying she's "flabby" (that's a thing?). Anyway, I've told her that in no uncertain terms she is to not eat, or fast or whatever the latest weight loss shit exists, and she said that I'm an awful mother, and hasn't spoken to me for 3 days now. Have I done something wrong? Do dh and I need to look into getting her some help, or is that even worse?

OP posts:
corythatwas · 05/05/2016 17:21

You might want to keep an eye on that then, OP. Make sure she knows that it is ok to fail at things, that life won't come to an end if everything doesn't go according to plan, that you will always value the person she is regardless of how much or how little she does.

Original poster
NamelessAndShameless · 05/05/2016 17:23

Cory As her mum, I have always taught her that failure is ok, she knows that definitely, when she falls off her horse, she laughs and gets back up, when she burns the food, she'll get a lecture from me about being more careful, and then we'll laugh - failure is ok in our home

OP posts:
Footle · 05/05/2016 17:35

OP, I get that your MIL is a nightmare. But why do you think it's acceptable to call her an old hag/old cow ?

Penfold007 · 05/05/2016 17:54

At 39kg and 5'9" your daughter is underweight. DH needs to deal with his mother sharpish as her comments are not helping.

Original poster
NamelessAndShameless · 05/05/2016 18:07

Footle I think it's acceptable to call her a cow because she called my daughter fat, she makes weight comments about everyone (nastily) and even tells me I'm fat even though I'm 3 months pregnant, and barely showing!

OP posts:
Original poster
NamelessAndShameless · 05/05/2016 18:09

Penfold Yes, I agree definitely, she needs to be dealt with, and is she really underweight? She's got a very light build. I suppose I'm not weight savvy because all my life, I've been slim and that's the norm for me, my weight has never fluctuated unless I've been pregnant (obviously 😌)

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 05/05/2016 18:11

NamelessAndShameless Google BMI calculator for children and put her details in.

Original poster
NamelessAndShameless · 05/05/2016 18:13

Thank you italian I shall have a looksie

OP posts:
Footle · 05/05/2016 18:14

Old cow and old hag are examples of misogynist language. It's offensive, like, you know, racist language.

Original poster
NamelessAndShameless · 05/05/2016 18:16

So calculator says she is indeed underweight 😕 now I feel like a really shit Mum, I've been feeding her healthy protein rich foods, where the hell have I gone wrong 😢

OP posts:
Original poster
NamelessAndShameless · 05/05/2016 18:17

I'm sorry footle I just feel like because my Mil has been border line neglectful to my child, I could maybe call her a cow, I don't know, how would you feel if your MiL called your healthy 14 yo daughter fat

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 05/05/2016 18:23

Hi, again, can I just suggest you watch what she is eating without her knowing and see if all is well. If things are well in terms of eating normally be careful about making her too worried about all this.

NamelessAndShameless this may all be fine so just be careful not to label anything an eating disorder or weight issue unless you know it is.

If she eats a lot and doesn't gain weight could she be purging (sorry that is a horrible thing to say but could she be throwing it up). Please can you just read up a bit about this topic before you talk to her.

I am not sure you can just ask her outright, maybe be a bit, what's the word, circumspect, go around the topic in a matter of fact way. I am not sure she would automatically say if there was an issue. Plus the 'friends' or 'bullying' seems significant to me but you may need to let her reveal it in her own words....

Sorry I am not trying to each you to such eggs. I was a sort of 'adopted auntie' to a woman with anorexia!

I know she is your darling girl and all may be fine, and I do hope so, so just go easy on the topic

please make it clear to grandma this topic is off limits, not just talking about this topic but moaning about why she can't talk about it.

Good luck.

Original poster
NamelessAndShameless · 05/05/2016 18:32

Italian As I've said before, thank you so much for all your help, but MIl has not been listening at all, and my Mum's been having words with her (they get on ok) and even dh has spoken with her but she refuses to listen and always judges weight

OP posts:
Footle · 05/05/2016 18:38

I had a childhood full of that sort of crap from various relatives, notably not including my lovely grandma. I hear one relative starting on one of my granddaughters at the moment, and may have to kill her. I still don't call her ugly , woman-hating names. Thanks for the apology.

yorkshapudding · 05/05/2016 18:40

OP, I get that your MIL is a nightmare. But why do you think it's acceptable to call her an old hag/old cow ?

If someone called my already self-conscious teenage daughter "fat" (repeatedly, despite being spoken to about it) I would probably call them much worse to be honest. I would also be suspending all contact until I had assurances that the weight related comments were going to stop.

OP, your MIL is being emotionally abusive towards your DD and could be having a significant impact on her self esteem, body image and attitude to food. I suffered from a serious Eating Disorder in adolescence and it was largely triggered by unkind and insensitive comments from a grandparent about my weight.

RainIsAGoodThing · 05/05/2016 18:45

Why don't you buy her some of the bloggers' recipe books - Deliciously Ella for example? And plan some meals with her. The focus is very much on health in those books but the bloggers themselves are very fashionable and there's a certain 'social media' angle that may appeal?

I too thought I was fat at 14. How I wish I could the the weight I was at the first time I thought I was fat! Grin

Original poster
NamelessAndShameless · 05/05/2016 18:48

Rain Agree with the meal planning, other MNs have suggested this and if dd finally talks to me when she gets back from my Mum's on Sunday, we'll discuss all that's going on and talk about it and plan some meals for fun after

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 05/05/2016 18:50

NamelessAndShameless I am sorry your mother in law is not listening to you. I hope things will change. Thanks

Original poster
NamelessAndShameless · 05/05/2016 18:50

YorkshaPudding (Love the name by the way) thank you and I'm sorry about your ED, and I also hope you're ok now. AIBU to be glad when MiL finally passes away? She's not in the best of health herself

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 05/05/2016 18:51

RainIsAGoodThing that's a great idea.

Original poster
NamelessAndShameless · 05/05/2016 18:51

Italian Me too, I might hold a family gathering with entire extended + my side too and talk about family food and maybe plan a huge restaurant outing when all has blown over with dd hating myself and dh

OP posts:
Primaryteach87 · 05/05/2016 18:56

I don't mean to be frightening but your daughter has lots of the same risk factors I had, and I developed anorexia. I'm not saying it's at that level but it's really important you protect from anyone making comments about her weight (mil, other pupils etc). As this can become an inner voice which tells you, you are fat when you are actually becoming increasingly too thin. Good ideas to talk about healthy eating, but don't let it become obsessive. If anyone does make a remark, you need to calmly but firmly tell them (in dd's presence) that you won't tolerate lies being told and leave.

PirateFairy45 · 05/05/2016 18:59

Ask her if she feels flabby, if she does and you're already eating well then maybe suggest some form of work out to tone a little bit?

Italiangreyhound · 05/05/2016 19:21

Pirate I am not sure if you saw but the Op's daughter is very much underweight, I am not sure talking about the word 'flabby' is helpful at all.

I didn't see this NamelessAndShameless "Asking I shall definitely be having words with dh about his stupid mother, as he supports me in thinking she's a smothering fat obsessed freak, would it be unreasonable of us to ban her from seeing the kids until she changes her attitude? "

I think you do need to ban MIL from the kids until this is sorted or until she changes her ways. She sounds absolutely awful and I think you are right to take measures to stop her placing these dangerous ideas in your dd's head.

Italiangreyhound · 05/05/2016 19:24

PS can you check her internet history? Just an idea. What you find you may need to not comment on, unless you really feel you must, but it would give an idea of whether she is looking up healthy recopies for fairy cakes or pro-anorexia sites. I really hope we are all barking up the wrong tree here and all is fine.