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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ban my 14 yo DD from dieting?

161 replies

NamelessAndShameless · 05/05/2016 14:35

DD just turned 14 and has started saying she's fat, needs to diet etc, DH and I told her she does not need to diet, but she stormed off. We always eat healthily in our family (breakfast fruit, lunch healthy sarnies), we have one young baby and another on the way, so we're definitely trying to make sure that family stays happy and healthy! The main problem with dd dieting is that she honestly doesn't need to - not saying this in a motherly "my daughter's perfect" way, it's just that she is literally the perfect weight for her age. I dug a little further, and it turns out she's being bullied at school by "friends" saying she's "flabby" (that's a thing?). Anyway, I've told her that in no uncertain terms she is to not eat, or fast or whatever the latest weight loss shit exists, and she said that I'm an awful mother, and hasn't spoken to me for 3 days now. Have I done something wrong? Do dh and I need to look into getting her some help, or is that even worse?

OP posts:
fortuneandglory · 05/05/2016 19:39

Why did you send her to a school that you hate?

Original poster
NamelessAndShameless · 05/05/2016 19:41

She doesn't have a laptop and has a passcode on her phone so can't check her history 😕

OP posts:
Original poster
NamelessAndShameless · 05/05/2016 19:41

We sent her to a school I hate because dh loved the school, dd loved the look of it and my mum said the opportunities are fabulous

OP posts:
fortuneandglory · 05/05/2016 19:42

I think you should have listened more respectfully to what she said. And stop blaming the school and your MIL for everything

fortuneandglory · 05/05/2016 19:43

Oh ok. So your opinion didn't matter?

PacificDogwod · 05/05/2016 19:58

I wonder whether your MiL has to justify her own disordered relationship to food/body shape to herself by continuously making remarks about weight/size to others?
At the end of the day, it's irrelevant and her issue and you should still absolutely protect your DD from such a pernicious influence. But it may go a little way to explain why she keeps going on about it, maybe.

Italiangreyhound · 05/05/2016 20:06

fortuneandglory how do you know the OP did not listen respectfully?

Original poster
NamelessAndShameless · 05/05/2016 20:28

fortuneandglory "Listened more respectfully to what she said"? She doesn't need to diet, that was the whole point of this thread! As for blaming on MiL have you actually read full thread? And I'm notating school is at fault but they should take bullying about dieting and weight more seriously. As for my opinion not counting, when we went to the school open day, it looked fantastic and I did like the look, but it is only as dd came into Year 9 that dh and I have realised pastoral care is shit

OP posts:
Mistigri · 05/05/2016 20:51

The development of eating disorders is complex and I'm not sure that it helps to blame people or situations, although the MIL sounds toxic and personally I would keep them apart.

As I said earlier my DD developed an ED despite having few risk factors (she's academically bright but was at a very ordinary and non-competitive comprehensive, she suffered no bullying, there is no one in our family with eating or weight issues). Who is to "blame"? I don't think it helps to look at it that way.

The school sounds awful, but we're talking about a teenager here and she no doubt has friends she wouldn't want to leave. The decision to change school would need to involve her.

Checking her Internet history would be instructive but I'm inclined to think it's also a breach of trust which might damage your relationship further (and if one thing is critical in difficult teenage relationships, it's keeping trust and maintaining lines of communication).

Italiangreyhound · 05/05/2016 22:12

"Checking her Internet history would be instructive but I'm inclined to think it's also a breach of trust which might damage your relationship further (and if one thing is critical in difficult teenage relationships, it's keeping trust and maintaining lines of communication)."

I absolutely agree to keeping trust.

I think it kind of needs to be set up ahead of time. EG my children will know when they use social media or the internet that I may check their history. There are too many things that could happen that I feel it is my right as the internet provider (so to speak) that I can check.

In the same way my husband or my children are free to check my internet history at any time. It is bloody boring, quite a lot of mumsnet, and there are no secrets. I would not recommend doing it a lot (checking kids history), and I would not recommend talking about 'Did you go on that site?' unless there is a really pressing safety issue.

But what it could flag up, if (for example) the child used a family PC in the living room, or a device to which the parent knew the password, is whether certain sites are being regularly visited. If these sites are connected to anything troubling a parent would at least be alerted to something. If you want to call it snooping so be it!

I don't agree to assigning blame where it is not due but.... if there is a factor in someone's life that is causing misery, distress or problems, identifying and naming that factor could help, IMHO.

Night night OP, I hope that things will get better and you will be able to tell us all is well soon.

Dancingqueen17 · 05/05/2016 22:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ImNotThatGirl · 05/05/2016 23:19

If she's 5ft9 and 39kg, then she is seriously underweight and needs to see a doctor first thing tomorrow.

ImNotThatGirl · 05/05/2016 23:22

I'm actually quite upset to read this but I suspect it's because it's close to home. She must look emaciated. :(

DailyMailThicko · 06/05/2016 00:00

This sounds really strange. 39kg and 5'9 Confused???? Plus the exercising?

DailyMailThicko · 06/05/2016 00:12

But the Mum thinks she has perfect model looks ShockConfused

Atenco · 06/05/2016 01:44

"This sounds really strange. 39kg and 5'9"

My dd is about 5'2" and maybe 48 kg and she is the skinniest person I know, so I do not understand how the OP's dd isn't in hospital.

AuroraBora · 06/05/2016 01:46

Are you sure the Dr said 39kilos and not 59? 39 kilos is off the lower end of most bmi charts I could find and the nhs calculator put her in the bottom 0 percentile!!! If these measurements are accurate take her to the GP tomorrow.

Napnah · 06/05/2016 06:32

I agree with others. If your daughter is genuinely the weight and height that you have posted, then she is seriously ill already. Sad and a lot of the criticism of your MIL and the school is pointless, you need to get her some help.

curren · 06/05/2016 06:39

I posted in this thread earlier.

If your Dd is 5ft 9 and only weighs 39 kilo, I really think you need to speak with your GP ASAP.

Yes the bullying needs dealing with but it sounds like your Dd may already have a problem. Ignore my advice about helping her focus on health not being skinny. It sounds like it got to the point that you need to bring in outside help. They will want to focus on health and not being skinny. But you need help and support to achieve this.

curren · 06/05/2016 06:42

And I would be wary about adding in anymore exercise, including the 2 mile run until you have had outside help.

I work in the fitness industry. Lots of people go from having an eating disorder to having an exercise obsession. They appear to be in recovery, because they are eating. But they are exercising excessively to compensate for the calories they are eating.

DailyMailThicko · 06/05/2016 07:09

The OP says she took her DD to the doctors two months ago and he said her weight was ok but that's she has grown two inches since then. Mine has big bursts of growth but never two inches in two monthsConfused

Original poster
NamelessAndShameless · 06/05/2016 08:01

I am now not sure that her weight it right, her height is definitely, but I'll phone GP as soon as it opens this morning and find out for sure

OP posts:
Original poster
NamelessAndShameless · 06/05/2016 08:32

GP says weight is 49kg but dh says that's no better Sad

OP posts:
Mistigri · 06/05/2016 08:48

49kg sounds like a more normal weight for a tall adolescent in mid-growth spurt.

It would be underweight for an adult, but she's obviously not yet a fully grown adult. My 13 year old DS weighs 44kg and is about 165 cm (5'5) having grown 10cm since last September - he is slim but not underweight, and his BMI is in the normal range for his age.

You need to make sure you use the NHS BMI calculator that is specifically for children. However, both measurements (height weight) need to be accurate so don't bother doing this if you are just guessing her weight and height. DO NOT get her on the scales to check!

The new weight makes this sound somewhat less concerning but there are still red flags IMO: slim teenager talking about losing weight, school environment which is, at the very least, conducive to EDs. Keep an eye out for fussy eating (suddenly becoming a vegetarian is classic), food avoidance, excessive interest in cooking (but not eating) and over-exercising. It's very easy for even attentive parents to miss the early signs of an ED.

PacificDogwod · 06/05/2016 09:52

Yes, 49kg sounds more like a not-immediately-dangerously-low weight.

I'd still get genned up about the problems teenagers, girls in particular, can have with body image and disordered relationship to food. Whether she develops a diagnosable ED or not, she does not sound happy in her own skin and that's a shame.

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