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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

close to death giving birth...

330 replies

ghostspirit · 05/05/2016 09:58

im coming up 38 weeks pregnant. me and bf was talking generally about the birth. im having home birth and was telling him how midwife was saying how if i have to be transfered to hospital it could take upto 30 mins for an ambulance... he said thats rubbish they would get it there within a few mins or so. Then he started going on about how when you give birth your very close to death. of course i know there is a risk when giving birth. i said you can say that about alot of things there are risks in everything. i was trying to tone it down a bit. but he kept going on. it pissed me of because its not something i really want to hear when im not far of giving birth. so was he being unreasonble to be saying them things or am i being over sensitive

OP posts:
Becky546 · 05/05/2016 10:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twitterqueen · 05/05/2016 10:41

I suspect your BF is petrified! And that he feels a home birth is going to put additional pressure on him.

I realise it's the wrong way round, but can you give him some reassurance?

ImperialBlether · 05/05/2016 10:48

Why have you said there's no way you're going to hospital?

Original poster
ghostspirit · 05/05/2016 10:50

it could be that hes scared. im not sure. because when i told him i was firm with midwifes told them im not going into hospital and i am having a home birth. he said good on you dont let people tell you what to do. and he says things like cant wait for you to give birth.

OP posts:
whois · 05/05/2016 10:51

Home birth with a 30 min transfer time? YABU

mumoseven · 05/05/2016 10:57

I don't think DPs necessarily make the best birth partners anyway. I found mine a bit annoying at times, a bit unable to read my mood and a tad impatient! Bloody brilliant dad immediately the baby appeared though!
One of my births was at a very busy maternity Dept and I was left mostly alone (with a buzzer for help) dp was looking after other kids at home (he arrived just after baby emerged). I really enjoyed the peace and quiet to get on with it!

MrsMac74 · 05/05/2016 11:02

Sounds like he's more nervous than you. I'm due soon and my husband wants beta-blockers for this birth... They are fragile souls hence we have the babies and they don't! Personally, I'm looking forward to it. I am going to have a positive mental attitude and just go for it and I am hoping to actually enjoy it. I hope you have a fantastic, joyful birth and this may well relax your bf for the next time.

RedToothBrush · 05/05/2016 11:03

When you give birth it is one of the riskiest things you can do in your life.

BUT

That does not mean giving birth you are close to death. Anyone who says that, is an idiot.

I thought this was your first baby when I first read your post, but seeing this is your THIRD its even more ridiculous as the risk of giving birth is heavily stacked in your first birth. So its highly relevant and important.

Your transfer to hospital IF you need it, is your decision.

For the most part home birth is safe. There is a small risk, but there are risks associated with going into hospital too which are rarely if ever acknowledged let alone discussed. It is assumed that hospital is a safe place, but that's not necessarily the case - which research has been seen to prove.

So it comes down to, WHICH risks you feel are more acceptable and you feel most able to cope with rather than eliminating risk entirely by going into hospital. I do think the fallacy that you can eliminate risk, is one that does need to be challenged as its a harmful one.

mellicauli · 05/05/2016 11:05

Agree he needs to be there to support you. But supporters need support too sometimes!

He needs a talked through "rehearsal" so he feels prepared and ready for all eventualities. You need to talk through all the possible scenarios (yes: what if the ambulance doesn't arrive in 10 minutes? what if you are finding it difficult to cope with the pain?) Denial of the existence worst case scenarios doesn't help. He needs a plan.

Say you'll do that with him on the condition that after that he won't dwell on negative thoughts with you. Maybe he could express his worries to his Mum? Do you know any other Dads whose children were born at home? But not to you.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 05/05/2016 11:06

whois i never said 30 mins the midwifes did...

mumoseven i feel a bit like that i feel quite content on my own. although i want him to be there generally. i dont really want him to play any part as such.just want him there as the babys dad and to share the moment.

OP posts:
sunnyoutside · 05/05/2016 11:06

I think this is OP's sixth baby, but 3rd homebirth. OP was he there for the last homebirth or is this is his first time?

RedToothBrush · 05/05/2016 11:06

And given you've just said your first birth was a fast one, a home birth also doesn't sound like a bad idea as it would be WORSE to be giving birth in a car on the way to hospital in terms of risk.

If you plan for a home birth, you ultimately don't have to go through with it. It does put provision in place though and you are mentally more prepared if you do have another fast birth.

chilipepper20 · 05/05/2016 11:10

everything that could happen could happen in hospital anyway. its the tranfering that could be delayed.

the difference, of course, is that in a hospital there is a doctor a few rooms away if there is a problem. often, there is no need for a doctor, but in a small but significant number of cases they are needed to treat serious problems.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 05/05/2016 11:11

sunny yes 6th baby 3rd home birth. no he was not here for the birth. this is his 1st home birth.

red yes thats one of the reasons im having a home birth. i dont want the worry of getting there and then i hate tgiving birth in hosptial as well. of course if i did have to be transfered thats a different thing and just have to deal with it if it happens

OP posts:
ShowOfHands · 05/05/2016 11:17

I persevered with a homebirth whilst anaemic.

It was the wrong decision.

Presumably the midwife has a lot of experience in your area and know how long the transfers take? She has a duty to inform you. It should be an educated decision, not a refusal to weigh up the alternatives.

bluecarpet · 05/05/2016 11:23

you are right about the delay - he is ridiculously overoptimistic.

if you have a homebirth and you have a real emergency (cord prolapse, shoulder dystocia), the risk of serious complications to your child (long term disability/death) are much higher because of the delay. 5 minutes on the phone to the ambulance, at least 10 for them to come, another 5 to get you in, do the paperwork and then the drive to the hospital and 5-10 minutes checking you in at the other end - so add 30 minutes to the actual drive time

that's why I'd never have a homebirth, but if you are happy with your choice (taking into account that for your sixth child you are at massively increased risk of a postpartum bleed - potentially fatal to you) then good luck to you. wouldn't be a risk I would take.

have you considered a midwife led unit that is next door to the labour ward?

Original poster
ghostspirit · 05/05/2016 11:34

Midwife has said the risks are pretty low. Looking at my history. They recommend hospital because of the anemia. But I want the home birth and have agreed to do anything to make it less risky. Hence the jabs I'm having and the iron infusion. I would have thought if home birth was a high risk they would have refused the home birth.

OP posts:
Costacoffeeplease · 05/05/2016 11:37

He's being a knob - but it's not the first time and I'm sure it won't be the last - it just comes so naturally to him Hmm

Original poster
ghostspirit · 05/05/2016 11:42

Indeed costa. But he has got much better and supportive. Just a bit of a div. And no it wont be the last I agree

OP posts:
MatildaTheCat · 05/05/2016 11:45

They can't actually refuse a home birth if you insist on it. As a former midwife myself I would say that I wouldn't particularly want to attend a birth in this situation because it is high risk based on the info you've given here.

If there is nobody free to attend when labour begins then they can decline to offer the service if that makes sense?

So, your Bf sounds as if he makes stuff up as he goes along but is probably scared. Still,mthe midwives and hopefully the consultant have made you aware of the risk to both yourself and your baby so good luck.

RedToothBrush · 05/05/2016 11:52

I would see it like this.

You have to balance the risk of a home birth with the risk of a hospital birth somehow.

It sounds like regardless of what you plan, you are at 'high risk' of having the baby at home anyway regardless, as you've had previous baby(ies) that didn't get the memo about hospital transfer times.

Unless you have any other complications, which carry additional risks, I think your plan sounds the best in your individual circumstances, simply because it minimises risk as much as you can, if your baby does decide to show up quicker than the best land plans for a hospital birth might allow. If and when you transfer in, if needed, isn't a fixed point either. If you do have any additional risks, short of going into hospital early, you could still get 'caught short' too.

I think ultimately your best option is about flexibility, given your history. You are not committed to a home birth, if you plan one. No one is going to turn you away on the day. Better you plan for medical assistance in a controlled environment, whether than be home or hospital as best you can and go from there as that will ultimately make your safer regardless. Its when it becomes a emergency with no plan in place that things are more likely to go wrong.

bluecarpet · 05/05/2016 11:54

They can't refuse. But I've seen women nearly die from a post partum bleed, only saved because of prompt admission to ITU. It can be very very dangerous in a woman who has had five children and it happens very quickly - you can lose a lot of blood in the time it takes just to phone an ambulance, let alone for them to get there. I'd strongly advise you to reconsider and I'm sure your MW will too- the risk of leaving your children without a mother is not negligible - but in the end it's your decision.

UmbongoUnchained · 05/05/2016 12:02

Yabu.
I don't understand how you can take a risk with your child's life like that. The midwife had already told you you should be in a hospital. Why are you arguing? Things go wrong very quickly. I only live 10 minutes away from hospital and my baby would have died in that very short time if I had given birth at home. And I had a perfect completely healthy pregnancy. No wonder you boyfriend is scared.

Original poster
ghostspirit · 05/05/2016 12:07

midwife has said im low risk not high. but she has to make me awear of any risks like any birth i guess. as i said i have been getting iron infusion. plus vit b12 jabs. and i have tablets thingys on stand by for on the day of birth that are meant to help with bleeding. plus i will have the jab in the thigh thing to

OP posts:
bluecarpet · 05/05/2016 12:09

You're not low risk if you are having your sixth baby and any MW who says that doesn't know what she is talking about. some MW have no understanding of the risks of complicated deliveries and just want to please the woman in front of them. grand multips are high risk even if they aren't anaemic. if you want a proper discussion of the risks ask to see a consultant.

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