To be furious with this teacher.

[AlarmBells]

Sorry this is a bit long but I need a rant!

So, but of background, ds who's 8 has had a difficult relationship with school. We've been in a few times to talk about behaviour. (Attitude, talking back, arguing in class)

Every time we've been in I've tried my best to be supportive. I don't agree with punishing children twice for offenses, but I have a stern talk with him when we get home and we talk about what's triggering it, and how me and the teacher can help him.

We were called in again today, another frustrating session. Apparently DS swore and shouted at a boy in class, who (and the teacher admitted it) had been annoying him by sticking his tongue out and making noises at him.

She says he'she's often rude and talks back consistently...he says the other kids in class are always annoying him. I asked what was being done about that and teacher smiled patronisingly, rolled her eyes and said she's had a word with the parents and the children. She then turned to DS and said 'we are talking about YOUR behaviour though' with another smirk.

Anyway, we left, I again promised to talk to DS when home. She saw us to the door. However when she turned back I realised we'd forgotten his book bag, so I caught door as it was closing and nipped back in (DS stayed outside).

I was just outside the class room and heard this exchange.

' Do you have a brick wall I can bag my head against'
'Is it xxxxx again?'
'Oh God, he's just so rude! And his mum thinks he sh*ts gold, that's the problem! He just gets home and whines to mummy he's being picked on and she laps up every word! Funny how he only does that when he gets a bollocking. Little shit'
'What are you going to do?'
'She sounds like she's making screechy sound from psycho, they laugh'.

I quickly and quietly get out, but I'm still fuming. Totally unprofessional, yes? I know they thought I was out the building, but still. I now know a few things:

1. She has talked about my son like this before.
2. she refers to children as 'little shits'
3. She is completely two faced
4. she has no regards for ds's feelings during all this.

What's my next move? Feeling distraught. May email head tonight/ tommorow morning.

Well that was constructive betty.

Op you're not shit. I'm pretty sure all our kids are vile at some point. Hands up anyone with children over 10 who has never once wanted to walk away and pretend they aren't yours? You wouldn't be here asking for hard truths if you were shit. Shit parents don't care.

good on you OP for your last post. It must be shit to hear someone speak like that about you and your child but I agree with others that it was just a stressed person venting their frustrations to a colleague when they thought they were in a private setting.

My opinion on double punishments is is if the situation has been resolved and apologies have been made I don't punish again but if the problem persists or I am brought into discuss it then yes, there will be further repercussions.

'Do you include doctors, nurses, lawyers, vets in this?
Because if you want to her really bad language about clients spoken in the workplace you should ask them what they call people that annoy them'

Yes, I do include them, why shouldn't they behave as well when they're being paid to work, as we ask kids to, as well? - Don't really see what the point is you're making - more group of people behaving unprofessionally doesn't make it right. I guess I don't care what language they use when definitely completely out of earshot of any members of the public, but that's the problem isn't it? - the teacher wasn't.

"I don't agree with punishing children twice for offenses."

Although it was hard to hear, good had come from this accidental dropping of eaves :)

You are now in a position to help your son.

Absolutely removing internet/computer/tablet/video game/etc is a very good move especially since I think that too much time spent on minecraft/youtube does contribute massively to crappy behaviour in kids. How much is your son using his computer/tablet/whatever - you might consider limiting it not as a punishment but just in case it is negatively affecting his behaviour, and because it can never hurt for a kid to read a book or play with lego instead of minecrafting. I try to limit my nine year old to an hour or so two or three times a week. I'm not perfect and sometimes I allow more for a quiet life but it does invariably backfire in the form of increased crappiness on his part for a couple of days. But as much as just punishing you have to talk to him again and again and really ram it home that he must learn to moderate his reactions and make conscious choices about how he behaves in the classroom so that he isn't getting in trouble all the time to be getting punished for. I am naturally short tempered and my son has inherited that but it is controllable - my son controls his temper fine at school, less so with his sister! He has to learn that only he is responsible for his actions and his behaviour is always a choice he is making. It's easier said than done even for adults! But even having that awareness that you're choosing to take a certain course of action can help you to make better choices. Teach him meditative breathing techniques to help him calm himself in situations he finds stressful to give him that headspace to stop and choose a better course of action in the classroom.

What do we think of removing internet privileges if I get a bad report? An okay start?

I think you need to start now not wait until he has a next bad report

You need to parent you child first and be friend 2nd. He will ALWAYS be your son, and he will ALWAYS love you.

I don't think you are a shit parent, nor are you wet. Parenting is the most difficult thing in the world, none of us get it right all the time

Unlike you, the teacher is sensible enough not to rant on social media where you have no idea who is reading it, bit of a faux pas there OP.....

I think the teacher was wrong to use such language but I totally understand her frustration. Your ds's behaviour sounds a nightmare. You don't seem to get that. I can't understand why you think you shouldn't punish twice. You need to reinforce the school's message. Y

My youngest is the same age, and in his class there is a "little shit" who sounds just like the OP's child. He isn't violent but will swear at the teacher or other children, wander around the classroom distracting others and will tell the teachers to "shut it" when they tell him to sit back down. It's HUGELY disruptive. The mother is ineffective, she just shrugs her shoulders and doesn't know what to do.

We have always taken the line that there is no division between home and school. My kids KNOW that school will pick up the phone and call me if there's a problem, and similarly school know that I will back them 100% if my kids are being awful. We have had ongoing issues with my eldest "forgetting" to do his homework which results in cross teachers at school, loss of merit marks and he comes home to discover his laptop has disappeared as I've already spoken to the teachers before he gets here.

School isn't - or shouldn't be - a battle between parents and teachers. We all want the same thing for the kids. When you've got a teacher who is so obviously at the end of her tether and desperate for parental support you have to take that seriously.

OP - perhaps parenting courses would be of use? (And I don't mean that in a sarky, nasty way. They often give you tips and ideas you wouldn't have thought of).

FrameyMcFrame
"email headteacher immidiately.
Formal complaint
Ask for DS to change class"

So lets ignore the issue and move the shebang to a different class where the OP's ds can cause a different class grief?

Alarmbells you aren't a shit parent but I do think you have a severe case of rose tinted glasses where your son is concerned.

It's not about having someone rooting for him at this point. It is about acknowledging that his behaviour has pushed his teacher beyond her limits. He may be an angel at home or you may just be looking with a extreme bias.

It's time to have a very honest look at him and his behaviour both at home and in other situations. It hasn't got to this overnight, it has been building for some time and from the school's perspective it has been ignored by his parents.

You need to find sanctions that you are comfortable with. I would suggest things like
-removal of gaming consoles
-removal of internet privileges
-removal of tv privileges
-cancel of trip out he was looking forward to
-stopping play dates/sleepovers

It needs to be things that he will miss, something that will make an impact on him. Yes it sounds harsh but you have gone beyond the point of naughty steps, time out etc. He needs to learn that his behaviour towards others has a direct impact on his life.

But equally he needs to see that even small improvements in his behaviour will see a reward. Start small, arrange to speak with the teacher at lunchtime and after school every day for a week and that if he behaves for the the morning then he can have 1/2 hour internet time. If he behaves all day he gets an hour. If he manages a week then he gets to pick meal out/takeaway on Saturday. If he behaves for a month he can pick a day trip somewhere - zoo/museum/theme park what ever interests him the most.

It's so hard to be the parent that is called in to discuss your child's behaviour. I have been there and I know! It's very easy to become defensive, and to side with your child, that's normal. However, you need to work on building a positive and supportive relationship with school now OP. You have heard some upsetting things, but perhaps it's a good thing as it has made you have a bit of a think? You certainly sound like you are taking things on board and that's great.

I was told by a really lovely teacher that behaviour only improves when the 3 of you work together - home, school and child. She and I worked really hard to form a united front and it felt better for me knowing that I had a supportive teacher who would be honest with me.

See this as a positive starting point . Tell the teacher "I'm really keen to work with you, what can I do to help/support you?" and tell your son that you are not going to condone his behaviour in any way shape or form. Once he realises that you and school are on the same page it may help. Behaviour management in the form of a home/school book or behaviour chart can work really well if you're on board.

It must be hard dealing with this as a single parent. Keep going, it will get better if you stay positive in your dealings with school.

We've tried reward charts before. He has historically not had a good relationship with school, the problem is if he had a bad day that sort of sets him up to be most for the next few days, is a vicious cycle. I suppose that's why I started to talk rather than punish so much. My parents were very hippy type, no punishment as such and I had a lovely childhood, but then I was never rude any where really. I think he probably gets the language by absorption. He plays on the Xbox online sometimes and I do supervise but sometimes stuff slips through the net.

My rage had lifted, feeling quite defeated now. I definitely will be having chat with school about moving forward, and thanks for all help ful suggestions. Will be removing privileges, maybe try and get a quick report from teacher daily.

Thank you Julip for being so kind.

Email the head. Awful attitude to your child. It sounds like other kids are trying to wind him up so it is their behaviour at times too. If she thinks you don't take her concerns seriously enough, she could have said so.

. Maybe in the pub after work with your friends or over dinner with DP, really it's incredibly unprofessional.

Really? Then you'd get people posting outraged that a group of teachers on a night out were bitching about pupils and parents. Or breaching privacy by discussing it with family members. The teacher was in school, she thought she was in the presence of staff members only.

I do think you need to talk about choices to your DS.

Another child does something that starts to wind him up.
He chooses how to react.
He can ignore, tell the teacher, move himself away (if permitted) or retaliate.
Only that last choice is really poor.

He needs to learn to judge when the ignoring option isn't working and move to the telling the teacher option before he reaches retaliation.

But he does have it within himself to choose how to react. That's what he needs to understand and then practice.

(We talk a lot about choices in our house.)

If she thinks you don't take her concerns seriously enough, she could have said so.

It seems like she has.

The OP admits they have been to school a number of times.

OK. Ban Xbox on line play, that probably is really not helping anything.
Do you know the people he plays with?

It must have been horrible for you to hear that exchange. I would also feel incredibly hurt. However, his behaviour does sound poor and the swearing is unacceptable. I think you really need to work with him on improving this and swallow the anger on this occasion but if you ever hear the teacher talking like that about him again then I would take action.

Btw Op being on your child's side means showing them right from wrong so they turn into decent adults. If you allow your ds to continue like that he won't have many friends and will struggle.

alarm you are not shit. Please don't think that.

IMO I think you should write a note for teacher.

Dear teacher,

I forgot my bag and came back in yesterday which meant I overheard what you said about DS.

I'd like to make it clear I do not condone his behavior. I understand it must stop. It's very clear he is struggling with school environment and appropriate reactions to his peers.

I'd like to suggest we meet again to discuss how we can manage DS behaviour and out a positive plan in place. I would suggest senco is present and a behaviour plan is drawn up.

It's not out of the question for you to tell the teacher that you heard what she said and that you'd like to move forward together.

It sounds like other kids are trying to wind him up so it is their behaviour at times too.

Well thats a classic case of whataboutery.

OP was there to discuss her DS behaviour not other children.