To be furious with this teacher.

[AlarmBells]

Sorry this is a bit long but I need a rant!

So, but of background, ds who's 8 has had a difficult relationship with school. We've been in a few times to talk about behaviour. (Attitude, talking back, arguing in class)

Every time we've been in I've tried my best to be supportive. I don't agree with punishing children twice for offenses, but I have a stern talk with him when we get home and we talk about what's triggering it, and how me and the teacher can help him.

We were called in again today, another frustrating session. Apparently DS swore and shouted at a boy in class, who (and the teacher admitted it) had been annoying him by sticking his tongue out and making noises at him.

She says he'she's often rude and talks back consistently...he says the other kids in class are always annoying him. I asked what was being done about that and teacher smiled patronisingly, rolled her eyes and said she's had a word with the parents and the children. She then turned to DS and said 'we are talking about YOUR behaviour though' with another smirk.

Anyway, we left, I again promised to talk to DS when home. She saw us to the door. However when she turned back I realised we'd forgotten his book bag, so I caught door as it was closing and nipped back in (DS stayed outside).

I was just outside the class room and heard this exchange.

' Do you have a brick wall I can bag my head against'
'Is it xxxxx again?'
'Oh God, he's just so rude! And his mum thinks he sh*ts gold, that's the problem! He just gets home and whines to mummy he's being picked on and she laps up every word! Funny how he only does that when he gets a bollocking. Little shit'
'What are you going to do?'
'She sounds like she's making screechy sound from psycho, they laugh'.

I quickly and quietly get out, but I'm still fuming. Totally unprofessional, yes? I know they thought I was out the building, but still. I now know a few things:

1. She has talked about my son like this before.
2. she refers to children as 'little shits'
3. She is completely two faced
4. she has no regards for ds's feelings during all this.

What's my next move? Feeling distraught. May email head tonight/ tommorow morning.

it's really sad that you seem to have gone for the 'the teacher clearly hates him, this has confirmed it' approach. Your DS is disruptive and you are not supporting the member of staff. And frankly if she 'screeched' I can guarantee that she was probably at the end of her tether with him. Nobody screeches for fun - it's exhausting and you have to justify it to more senior members of staff as to why they were sent out again.

Please take this seriously now - having just watched a group of year 11 students with a similar disruptive mentality sit their exams knowing that they're really not going to do well because they spent lessons mucking around instead it's awful.

Jesus Christ, I despair.

Hmm what the teacher said might well be telling the truth.
Or she is convinced that the OP's DC is a pain in the arse and that it has to be his fault all the time whether it is or not (I have seen that happening too).

I would like to know if the issue that the OP's DC has have always been there or if it's just happening this year.
I would also like to know what is different at home and at school if he is not behaving like this when he is at home. This is not unusual at all (works both ways. Some children are angels at home and nightmares at school or nightmares at home but angels at school). It could also be that the standards he is expecting to follow are different at home and at school. It could be stress from school, finding iot hard to cope with the teachings or noise or other children or whatever.

I have to say, it's hard to teach a child to be more obedient/not to swear/whatever if he isn't doing that home.

What I haven't heard is what is implemented by the school to deal with his behaviour and how can the OP support the school implementing it.

I would be dealing with it TBH. But not by going to see the HT.
I would be having a meeting wo your ds with the teacher and talk strategies to implement rather than just 'well he misbehaved AGAIN' which is frustrating for all concerned.

SUGGESTION

Ask the teacher to give him a behaviour card divided into 5 or 10 segments per day. Each segment he gets a sticker or a sad face depending on behaviour during that segment.

You reward at the end of the day if he gets 4/5 or 8/10 segments.
Reward can be sweets, extra TV time or whatever.

When he is consistently hitting 4/5 or whatever, you up the ante and ask for a clean sheet, for the day, or 3 clean days in a row, but for a bigger sticker.

You talk each day about what went wrong, and how he could choose to react differently . You also praise to the hilt the stickers he gets, and ask him if he is proud of behaviour - e.g. when he chooses not to react .

You could also tie 'natural consequences' in. e.g. If he misses 3/5 or 6/10 then you need to spend more time discussing what happened and that means he doesn't have time for TV or football or whatever.

hth

I'd speak to the teacher and explain you overheard her. That's everyone's worst nightmare, no matter the profession, that someone overhears something they're not meant to. Yup, she could have phrased it better (and had she realised you heard I'm sure she would have) but ultimately it's nothing unusual.

You aren't getting it, are you scared in case he's not your friend anymore? Why are you waiting for a bad report to remove privileges, that is the bare minimum you should be doing. Seriously you need to actually parent your child. What you don't realize is that it's probably not only the teacher who is speaking about him this way. He will be known as the naughty, badly behaved child among other children and parents.

Now I'm even more convinced this is a reverse.

Surely this parent cannot be real?

Whatever course of action you take you have got to mean it and follow through. Many parents I know are loud and brash all gas and air, nothing more. Teaches them nothing!

I agree with some of what's being said but I do think you're getting a bit of a hard time here OP and I'm not surprised you're almost in tears.

It must be awful to have overheard that about your child. As you've acknowledged it sounds like you do need to up the discipline a bit and having a 9 year old son myself I would hit where it hurts with banning Internet/Xbox/tablet use too. Perhaps ban until end of next week? Spk to teacher and tell her you overheard and you want to work with her and ask if you can Spk to her end of next week to see if there's been any marked improvement before offering internet etc back??

sallyjane40
"But I don't agree with the 'she's only human' angle really tho for the teacher. She can express exasperation to a colleague without calling anyone a shit - she's a professional in her workplace, and it's just not appropriate"

Do you include doctors, nurses, lawyers, vets in this?
Because if you want to her really bad language about clients spoken in the workplace you should ask them what they call people that annoy them.

OP before I saw your above post I was going to ask if you have issues stemming from your own childhood that is preventing you from seeing his behavior for what it is and dealing with it? This is very common btw.

Swearing, talking/arguing back, shouting, outbursts etc are quite serious and quite frankly are very disruptive. This is not something trivial, and it would appear that you are enabling it. I'm really not sure why you think because he isn't violent that it isn't so bad?

It was horrible that you overheard the teacher saying this, but it seems that both you and your ds are perceived as "trouble" and you are not dealing with it.

It can be really hard to step back and look at things from an outsider's perspective, but this is in the interest of your ds in the long run. If he is doing this at 8 what will he be doing in secondary school?

Kudos Alarm for actually listening! Many parents would just continue to bury their head in the sand. That proves that you're not a shit parent.

If your DS would dislike having internet privileges removed, then that's a good place to start.

He needs to know you mean business and that he's not in charge.

Well done though, for taking the advice on board and pulling your finger out. #respect

As gently as possible, I'm with them. His behaviour is dire from what you have said and with respect it isn't the school's job to parent him. He needs consequences from you. In his eyes you are condoning this. Has he said how they are annoying him? Because frankly being annoyed by a child sticking their tongue out isn't an excuse for swearing. I would feel like banging my head on a brick wall too. No one wants to hear that their child isn't liked but we can't be blinded to their behaviour because we love them. I don't think she was unprofessional, it was a private conversation that you unfortunately overheard and tbh I've called my own kids little shits and worse behind their backs when they have been particularly trying. Sometimes you have to vent or you'll end up battering them.

Perhaps overhearing the conversation could be a good thing? Your attitude to your son's behaviour thus far clearly hasn't been working. I get you're embarrassed and angry but perhaps realising how frustrated the teacher is with his bad behaviour is exactly what you need to hear? It might push you to make the changes you need to. I get that it wasn't professional but I wouldn't complain. She made a mistake but your inaction has led to this.

They're entitled to have a private convo but I still think they're stupid to have it when she'd specifically called the parent in. Save it for the staff room!

Alarm just seen your last post, wouldn't have written mine if I had seen it.

Its mortifying for you - it would be for anyone.

But there are so many dc like your son out there, so don't feel bad.

Awful as this day has been - see a positive, this will hopefully galvanize you into action, to help your son.

Big Hugs to you and yes in my house, removal of tablets, lap tops etc would be a big punishment.

I wonder if your school has any pastoral care? A person dedicated to helping with issues like parents divorce, children having issues..could be worth asking too.

Good luck op....You can do this!

ZedWoman
"Now I'm even more convinced this is a reverse.

Surely this parent cannot be real?"

This is just the tip of the iceberg.

Set boundaries. Strict boundaries. Internet, tech etc are a privilege earned by good behaviour not a given.

Do the school have a report card system? I've suggested, and they are, the school put my DS on report. It's an opportunity to monitor behaviour, pick up patterns in behaviour and show DS you are supporting school.

You do need to make it clear to yiur DS his behaviour is unacceptable regardless of others actions but it is important others stop it too. It's all very well telling a child not to behave a certain way but out yourself in this 8yo shoes. Imagine sitting at your desk at work all day everyday being picked on and tainted and not getting angry or eventually reacting. This is an 8 yo not someone with adult emotions and self control.

I haven't rtft btw, my battery is almost dead so just responding to the op. Excuse me if any of that is now irrelevant. Have some op, I swear they grow out of it.

Kids are kids and yes they are annoying to others, yes they poke tongues out. It's childlike behaviour. swearing is not childlike behaviour, neither is having an attitude and answering an adult back. The poor teacher, no wonder she wanted a brick wall! There is no consistency between home and school. Come to it, I feel sorry for the other children in his class if he is a disruptive as he sounds! When I was at school I was wary of being naughty and it getting it passed on to home...I guess respect for adults was important to my parents (and is to me as a mother now! If my daughters teachers called me in to talk about her behaviour I would be mortified and ensure there were repercussions at home!)

Sounds like your son is a little shit tbh. Sorry. We all want to believe our kids are great. But even you accept he can be badly behaved, so really, are you surprised?

Not nice to hear mind you. I don't see how she was unprofessional. It was a private conversation behind closed doors (so she thought) and sorry, but yes, I've taught plenty of little shits in my time. It's one of the toughest jobs I've ever done and made harder by unsupportive parents.

Parents like the OP are the bane of teachers lives. Child is cheeky, obnoxious and disruptive but it's never the little darlings fault. Diverting blame onto others etc. Im not surprised this teacher let rip like she did, she's probably had a belly full of it. So the question is what are you going to do about it OP?

I think possibly the truth hurt you.