...to want a say in how much we give step children for uni?

[GinnyMcGinFace]

My husband and I have been together for ten years and have two sons. He also has two children from his previous marriage. His ex wife clearly hired a highwayman for a divorce lawyer because we have paid, religiously, £1200 a month for the children, plus half of uniforms, school trips etc. for years. She also got £250k in cash from the divorce and he got to keep the dog. Anyway, whilst the divorce agreement appears ridiculous to me, it was signed, sealed and delivered before I was on the scene so I've never really said much about it. However, the agreement is clear that it covers only until the children are 18-step daughter is now 20 and step son is 18. Both want to go to uni this year and have asked us-well, their dad actually-for financial support. He said of course we will support them, but it's a conversation we need to have altogether. His ex wife has lost her shit and says it's nothing to do with me and they aren't my children so I shouldn't be involved in what she called 'negotatiations'. I feel-as does my husband to be fair to him-that as this now sits outside of their maintenance agreement, the request is coming from our joint income and therefore I should be involved in making the decision about how much we can afford. My husband has made the point that whatever we agree for the older children we have to be able to offer the younger ones and my step daughter (I suspect repeating her mother) has said that her and her 'full' brother-her words-should be the priority.

I've always got on well with my step children and they adore their little brothers. They have become typical teenagers in that they only get in touch with their dad nowadays when they want something but he is not always that great at calling/texting them either.

Is it my business? Am I just an evil step mother bitch??

Think it's absolutely fair your involved in the decision making but if I was you I would only discuss it with my husband and then he tells his children what the contribution would be.

I wouldn't be sitting down with ExW about it and I wouldn't even think it necessary to inform her. I also would leave the conversation to you DH to have with the kids.

Boner I completely understand what you're saying and you are right-as I said, I know we are not poor and I don't begrudge any of our children support for university, what has upset me is the fact that I get treated as though I don't exist and as though our money belongs to our children or step children. The issue is, now I've been thinking about it for a few days, perhaps wider than this meaning it shouldn't have come as a surprise to me...at Christmas and birthdays they say thank you to their dad rather than both of us for the gifts for example (the irony being that usually he has no clue what 'we' have bought them, the unwrapping is often as surprising for him as them ).

We have emailed the kids (not as impersonal as it sounds, it's often the main communication) and asked them to come up with the costs as posters have suggested, and what they can get in terms of loans etc. We've offered to help them find out the information if they want it as I didn't want us to sound awful but the ball is now in their court....

And secret I'm afraid that's where I disagree. They are spending OUR money and I feel that if my husband has the conversation alone with them it only reinforces their view that it is HIS money not ours. But perhaps that's where I am being unreasonable? I just don't know.

It is your money Ginny after 10 years and with 2 kids its your decision too. Its not upto exwife to decide how your family make these decisions. Good luck. YOu sound very reasonable to me

Yes, boner, I've already made my comments that the father should sit down with the children and make a plan for how much money is required. It is ludicrous that accommodation is so highly priced that loans won't cover the cost. However, as two of us have pointed out, there is cheaper accommodation in some cities, there just aren't students, who will consider renting it. In circumstances, where cheaper accommodation is available, I have no sympathy as the students should cut their cloth. This isn't the first time this has happened. I was the first year of students to be able to apply for loans at university if my memory serves me well. My mother was in the situation, where her income was based on previous years or something from before my father passed and I got no maintenance grant the first year and as her income plummeted, she struggled to send me and run the family home. I got two jobs in the following summer holidays and got a loan in the first year to help out. I know this is more difficult these days. I had secretarial skills so I worked in an office during the day and pulled pints 5 evenings for 3 months in the summer and did shop work at Christmas and accumulated enough money in the holidays to not need another loan. Sadly this golden age is gone.

I would expect my husband to make it clear it was joint money. I wouldn't want to be present personally. I don't think it's unreasonable if you want to be.

Cross post. I see I didn't realise your dh isn't doing the this is from us for presents and not enforcing your status as stepmother. My friend is stepmum to 2 boys and her situation is very different from yours. I, too have been advocating he sits with them alone as their one adult blood relative but most definitely in the capacity of representing a family (ie you and your children as well). Then isn't your dh at fault for not better representing you as a stepmother and a family unit? I think you may need to have a big conversation with your dh because his anything for a quiet life ethos about the divorce would appear to be undermining your very important status.

Your h has no involvement in presents, they thank HIM and he doesn't fess up?

And it happens year after year? And he still doesn't rectify it? Has he no shame at all.

What a joke. Why is present buying something men can't do for their kids?

You need to have a way bigger conversation about this family business, and how you are perceived in the whole situation.

No, it's just that I tend to do the gift shopping-I don't think that's unusual to be fair, tags always say from all of us and they thank him. He DOES correct it but in the past I've just told him to leave it because it's not a big deal in isolation but, as I said, I can see now that me being very laid back and 'anything for a quiet life' (which is just my personality I'm afraid, I'm a bit of a hippy like that) over things like this has absolutely contributed to the issue. My husband is a lovely man, very supportive and is actually more outraged than I am over this situation; I asked on here for opinions while he seethed more silently....

You dd jane, and your post was more nuanced and thoughtful than some of the others. There probably are a few places in the country where 4k will cover your rent, books and bills, in theory at least. And it would have to, because you can't assume casual work will be available (places with lower rents also tending to have lower employment prospects to match). As you say, that golden age is gone.

But the problem is, places that are cheap stop being so pretty quickly once students move in. Speaking as a resident of somewhere less expensive than average in my city, I'm pretty glad students don't try and live here because they'd bump the prices up!

£600 a month per child for university is absolutely RIDICULOUS. And if their mother is contributing similar than that is just so beyond daft I don't even know what to say.

I'd say 200-300 a month is the limit or you're setting them up for a lifetime of having not a single clue about how to afford life.

Cross posted there- OP I not surprised your husband is outraged. It must have been very hurtful for him to hear DSD say that. I wasn't really responding to you with the points about loans not covering rent btw, you've mentioned already that you intend to provide some financial support. It was to other posters who think loan plus job will automatically cover them.

Sorry, I know that wasn't the point of your thread!

You're right OP. They're adults, it's your shared money now and you should have a say.

Good idea emailing them, their response should tell a lot.

I feel that if my husband has the conversation alone with them it only reinforces their view that it is HIS money not ours

my thoughts exactly. about time the ex-w and sdc faced reality - this is a blended family and everyone matters.

It might be worth looking on the Higher Education thread in the Education section as the cost of university is often being discussed with real figures.
A previous poster mentioned that the amount a student can borrow in the form of a maintenance loan depends of the household income. However it is important to note that the student can't decide which household to choose. It has to be the one they currently live at. It would appear in this case their Mother's house.
We have looked at the maximum amount student from a low income family can get in loans and grants and possible a university bursary and then topped it up to this figure. For those who have said my parents couldn't have contributed.....Even today they wouldn't have to as you would entitled to a loan, a grant and maybe bursary plus of course there are the holidays to work.

Ok then, perhaps lesson learned then, that you have every right to accept thanks for the things you do for all the children.

I'm glad your h is outraged, it's about time someone woke those kids up a bit.

Welcome to the real world kiddiwinks

My ds would be happy to live anywhere, provided it had internet and was with his friends but I have to admit, his housing group have driven me batshit with their pickiness over housing - rejecting beautiful 6 bed houses because ' the kitchen is a bit small'. Some kids do seem to expect to move out of halls into houses which are as nice as their parents homes. Meanwhile they have lost out on great, reasonably priced accommodation and have to take the last minute, pricey stuff. Which I have to pay for!

Ginny, the Christmas thing is awful .
Their mum has probably not helped their attitude much. I think a frank discussion between your dh and his dc might be in order. It does them no favours to let them grow up unappreciative and rude.

Thanks boner been a bit bashed recently - always try to be balances in what I say. 😊
So perhaps both of you have done anything for a quiet life at different times. Now that IWILL has said it, I was also thinking his ex probably hasn't been helped your kudos either. She sounds rather stubborn from what you've said, I was more than a bit shocked at her changing the locks for example. Her temperament l will probably have rubbed off on the children. Really this needs to be rectified so that they all give you some respect and appreciation.

And on another subject, do you have finances in place and wills written? If the children from the first marriage have been taught they are more important, you'll have a fight on your hands should the worst happen to your DH.

Yep, changed the locks...on a military quarter?! How she got away with it I don't know but ho hum.

Thank you for asking, our joint will is very clear, but it's an excellent point.

His ex wife is indeed more fiery than we both are, that's true, and I know she thinks I'm 'wet and sappy' (she told me this when I cried having our dog put down ) so a definite difference of personality but that shouldn't necessarily lead to a lack of mutual respect. I'll have to psych myself up for that conversation I think....

Can we stop slating these teens/young adults?

OP, new life and others - what you fail to realise is that on the stated parental incomes parents are EXPECTED to support their dcs through university. They will get just under £4000 a year in maintenance loans. This will probably NOT even cover halls of residence fees £7000 for halls is not unusual.

Assuming they go for middle of the road halls, costing £5000 a year, parents will need to contribute £1000 accommodation and maybe £3000 food and other expenses. And that's minimum really, so £400 a month each.
£600

That's ok then that makes me wet, sappy and proud to be me
And as for saying such cruel things to your face when you were grieving, that is giving you no respect. I think you really do need to square up to this woman. She's overstepping the boundaries.

It's awful that young people are even in these situations. I have 4 bright kids and it terrifies me the debt they will be saddled with

Op - if the DSC are hoping to start this autumn, then the student finance website is already open for them to apply for their finance. My son has already done his. The student enters their details & proposed course/uni, then an email is sent to the resident parent (in your case exw) with a link for her to enter her household income. The student will then get a letter detailing what loans - both tuition and subsistence - s/he will get.

Once they have this info, and an idea of how much their 1st year accomodation may cost (have they applied for halls yet?) then you and your DH can sit with them and work out what top up they need, and how much you want to give them.

Our joint income means that DS will get minimum subsistence loan, which is about 3.8K, not enough to cover even his accomodation.

We will also help him with living costs too, rather than him have to work in 1st year, we would prefer that he settles in and gets used to the life, makes friends etc, but then he has worked part-time for over a year, and is careful with money, so I know he will be grateful for anything we give him.