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Original poster

...to want a say in how much we give step children for uni?

363 replies

GinnyMcGinFace · 03/05/2016 00:18

My husband and I have been together for ten years and have two sons. He also has two children from his previous marriage. His ex wife clearly hired a highwayman for a divorce lawyer because we have paid, religiously, £1200 a month for the children, plus half of uniforms, school trips etc. for years. She also got £250k in cash from the divorce and he got to keep the dog. Anyway, whilst the divorce agreement appears ridiculous to me, it was signed, sealed and delivered before I was on the scene so I've never really said much about it. However, the agreement is clear that it covers only until the children are 18-step daughter is now 20 and step son is 18. Both want to go to uni this year and have asked us-well, their dad actually-for financial support. He said of course we will support them, but it's a conversation we need to have altogether. His ex wife has lost her shit and says it's nothing to do with me and they aren't my children so I shouldn't be involved in what she called 'negotatiations'. I feel-as does my husband to be fair to him-that as this now sits outside of their maintenance agreement, the request is coming from our joint income and therefore I should be involved in making the decision about how much we can afford. My husband has made the point that whatever we agree for the older children we have to be able to offer the younger ones and my step daughter (I suspect repeating her mother) has said that her and her 'full' brother-her words-should be the priority.

I've always got on well with my step children and they adore their little brothers. They have become typical teenagers in that they only get in touch with their dad nowadays when they want something but he is not always that great at calling/texting them either.

Is it my business? Am I just an evil step mother bitch??

OP posts:
Hissy · 10/05/2016 18:02

How fucking dare you cannot I was actually being nice.

Like I said. I'd kill to be as hard done by as you. You could make the best of life, but you won't.

When it comes to no fucking idea, you wanna look closer to home.

wannabestressfree · 10/05/2016 18:07

Am.with hissy.... I also have three kids. No maintenance etc. You are choosing to wallow and be bitter. Live your life and cut off support I can guarantee you won't be happier. I haven't got a proverbial pot but I am glad I Don't see things your way.... you are still giving him power years later.

Hissy · 10/05/2016 18:08

I agree that the money discussion needs to be with kids, they need to fully understand what they can apply for, what they will get, how much things cost at uni etc, and how much they are missing and need to raise. Either by parental contribution or by them self funding.

This is the only way they will learn how to manage their lives and appreciate the effort it takes to keep things going. They'll get a lot out of it too, it's a good feeling to stand on your own 2 feet.

cannotlogin · 10/05/2016 18:10

Utter bollox. Hilarious really, because if I spent money, I'd be held up as some kind of spendthrift bitch who hasn't saved for her children....

cannotlogin · 10/05/2016 18:12

Oh, and make the best of life but I don't....you don' t know me or the lifebI lead. What a stupid comment!

lurked101 · 10/05/2016 18:26

Cannot, just a bit of advice, if you find it difficult to seperate what happened and what is happening to you to other situations without getting incredibly angry it is probably a good idea to avoid these threads.

The siutation in question is not like yours, the children had a father that, from the information we have, cared for his kids, left them significantly well provided for a home, and paid money for them every month for years, as well as contributing half for their other bits and pieces. Despite this the mother has repeatedly told the children that their father was tight and that he spends his money on his other children and has subsequently told them that she cannot support them for university.

A very different situation. So please don't get so angry or upset its not healthy.

Headofthehive55 · 10/05/2016 18:33

Why don't you look at it another way.

The loan money will probably pay for a room to rent in halls.

They need food for 52 weeks. Uni is usually approx half of that.
Morally I think both parents should help pay for food.
Perhaps you op, pay for food when they are in uni, and mum pays when at home.

Would that help?

Want2bSupermum · 10/05/2016 19:22

cannot Your situation is very different. When you are left with no money from the father it is extremely difficult. My mother was not in that situation at all. I suggest you talk to the CSA people and have them reconcile his tax returns to the income he provides to them to calculate maintenance.

However, children find out the truth and you don't need to say anything to them. Ask for help from others. My dad did this all the time and it was extremely effective. His attitude was that if they said 'No' he hadn't lost anything. FWIW, I help a single parent out in my DCs class all the time. She is the higher income earner and is the one paying off her ExDH while raising 2DC. When she needs help fixing things in her home a few of us parents help her. Just in the same way other parents help me fix stuff when DH is away.

Original poster
GinnyMcGinFace · 10/05/2016 20:12

I think this is what's known in the Mn world as a derailed thread Hmm maybe we should call it a day?! Head the children can live with us whenever they want to and they do, regularly. We have always planned to pay towards their education and didn't, as was assumed upthread (not by you) stop paying once my step daughter turned 18, we simply no longer paid her mother. However, the terms of the divorce agreement are clear, it does say 'to the end of secondary but not further education.' That doesn't mean we won't, just that we won't pay the ex wife.

However, it is telling that tonight e have all four children with us at home for a night of Scrabble and spritzers. Because we know how to live.

Thank you to everyone who commented, it was all helpful, even the spiteful ones as they made me appreciate my wonderful family even more as I have very little to be bitter about.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 10/05/2016 20:20

Hope you have a lovely evening. Keep chatting to them, they are only at the beginning of learning just how much things cost. Here's to hoping that they get a place and the requested qualifications!

Hissy · 10/05/2016 20:48

Nice one Ginnie, I say again, you and your h sound lovely, and those step kids are going to be seeing you and your family in a new light! 🍸🍸 to happy new beginnings!

AyeAmarok · 10/05/2016 20:53

Oh oh oh, I learned this the other day!

It's called merailing Grin

And yes, OP. That's exactly what it is, you've handled yourself admirably on this thread.

Want2bSupermum · 10/05/2016 21:53

OP you are teaching them some very useful lessons on how to have fun without spending money as well as what family is about. Best of luck to you and your family. Your DSC really have no idea how lucky they are!

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