...to want a say in how much we give step children for uni?

[GinnyMcGinFace]

My husband and I have been together for ten years and have two sons. He also has two children from his previous marriage. His ex wife clearly hired a highwayman for a divorce lawyer because we have paid, religiously, £1200 a month for the children, plus half of uniforms, school trips etc. for years. She also got £250k in cash from the divorce and he got to keep the dog. Anyway, whilst the divorce agreement appears ridiculous to me, it was signed, sealed and delivered before I was on the scene so I've never really said much about it. However, the agreement is clear that it covers only until the children are 18-step daughter is now 20 and step son is 18. Both want to go to uni this year and have asked us-well, their dad actually-for financial support. He said of course we will support them, but it's a conversation we need to have altogether. His ex wife has lost her shit and says it's nothing to do with me and they aren't my children so I shouldn't be involved in what she called 'negotatiations'. I feel-as does my husband to be fair to him-that as this now sits outside of their maintenance agreement, the request is coming from our joint income and therefore I should be involved in making the decision about how much we can afford. My husband has made the point that whatever we agree for the older children we have to be able to offer the younger ones and my step daughter (I suspect repeating her mother) has said that her and her 'full' brother-her words-should be the priority.

I've always got on well with my step children and they adore their little brothers. They have become typical teenagers in that they only get in touch with their dad nowadays when they want something but he is not always that great at calling/texting them either.

Is it my business? Am I just an evil step mother bitch??

Exactly- my son is about to go to University and he is eligible only for the minimum loan- because of our earnings.
That doesn't seem right- what if we choose not to top up.

18 year olds may be "legally adult" but the state doesn't count them that way.

Although we earn more than some, we are only just above the threshhold and we can't afford to have him stay away at a University, he will have to attend Uni and live at home- he is not my only child.

YANBU
When my daughter went to Uni (I'm divorced from her Dad). I went through all her costs with her. Rent, books, fees, living, food, bus, social etc and came up with a yearly figure. We then divided it by 3. Her Dad paid a third, I paid a third, and she paid. Third. Hers was funded by student loan and she supplemented it by working throughout her degree. I felt it was important that she 'invested' in it too. That way,mix she decided to run up her student loan then it was up to her. She was an adult (19) and that was her call. Her Dad and I paid into her account monthly so that she could budget.

It worked for us. Hope this helps!

Apologies for typos - I didn't have my glasses!

If the son is now 20 did he stop paying maintenance at 18 and now wishes to restart it or did he continue to pay even though the age it can be stopped had passed ?

At age 20 and 18 your SC are quite capable of working, summer jobs etc. Mine did from age 16, shop work caravan cleaning etc etc and we weren't on the breadline. They sound spoilt tbh and I would say the idea of them working out a budget and coming to you and DH with figures and what they themselves will contribute by summer jobs etc is a good idea. Don't get sucked into continually supporting them or they will never learn to be independent. A contribution is fair though. Just say you will pay as much as their DM. They are quite old enough to realise money does not grow on trees. I would be quite resentful if they only got in touch when they want money though.

Just putting it out there - Paying your own way through university is perfectly manageable. My partner and I are both students (I'm pregnant and lost my job) and have managed so far. We rent our own flat, have car loans and a lot more bills than a 'typical student'. Our parents don't have the funds to help us out at all (not that we would accept anyway). You don't need a fortune to live as a student.

£600 a month is not too a high a figure for support at uni. We give more than that to our DDs. It totally depends on how much their rent is, in some cities it it horrendously expensive, in others a lot cheaper.

You can't just pluck a figure out of the air until you know their expenses at uni.

Just as an example my dds rent is £535 plus bills a month, she's a very expensive city (not London)

If the financial agreement before were unfair, then he could have refused it. I suspect it was fair. It undermines your position now to be mithering about her over that.

I wonder how their marriage ended? I may get a roasting for this, but what the hell...

My marriage ended because my XH was a cheating arsehole. When we had our child, I started a family with the full expectation that the number of kids we each would be supporting through university or anything else would be under my control. OK, twins, accidental pregnancies... but still, my (our) children and our financial choice.

My XH now has a stepdaughter, and I know that any financial support he makes for his/my daughter will be reduced as a result.

Yeah, my daughter likes her stepsister and that is worth more than £xxxx towards her uni accommodation. Yeah - I know all that.

But am I a bit pissed off inside? Yes. Would I be if it was a half sister? Yes.

Now I wouldn't say anything and I know it doesn't exactly cover me in glory to think those things. But I do.

I think - why the fuck is my daughter getting less because you are an areshole who cheated on me?

Even though your kids are not the result of an affair, if his marriage broke down because of one on his part, or other bad behaviour from him - then I can understand that his XW could still be annoyed that your children exist.

I absolutely agree that the maintenance decision is his, with you. But if I was XW who still had some irritation at an arsehole XH off playing happy families when he fucked up mine, I'd be annoyed at all the "I need to agree it with my wife" stuff.

I'm not saying your husband was the guilty party - I'm just trying to offer up some explanation why the XW could be feeling aggrieved. I know I'm annoyed about my arsehole ex and his new happy family.

Of course, my daughter has no idea!

Loublue how are you financing your rent and car payments with no income?

I really think that some examples given here - living off 50p a week in the 70s while going down a coal mine to pay the bar bill are not that helpful or relevant.

The assessments for maintainence loans ask for parental income, there is an expectation of some support.
I don't think it's unreasonable to think that some support continues until the end of university.

If the course permits, they can work in term time or in the holidays.
I would listen to the posters on here who are financing students at the moment.

What's the 20 year old been doing since they left school? Why does he want to go to Uni now - because his sister does? Making them both think long and hard about the finances rather than just meeting their wants ( not needs) might test out his ( in particular )commitment. As others have said, have they places for September? Also the choice of uni should be made alongside the financial aspects - some might be ruled out because too expensive ( tough). And finally yyyy to whoever said try and make your payment direct to what it's for - we paid our dd's rent direct to the landlord - dd was really happy with this as she knew then that her roof was safe!

Her & her FULL brother should be the priority?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. If I was your DH I'd be telling the little madam that I didn't raise her to be such an obnoxious brat & that now she's an adult she can sort her own financial affairs out. Let her stew on that until she realises how nasty her comment was and offers a GENUINE apology.

As for the ex wife. Get her told too. She had the money/settlement & that's done now. What comes out of your JOINT income is a JOINT decision, just as what she gives the adult children is her business. Your step children have two parents and your children have two parents. Dad contributes equally to four children each mum contributes to their two children. Kids end up equal. Dad & step mum do not have to contribute equally to 4 children with step children then getting stuff on top from their other parent. There's fair & there's taking the piss.

But as I said, with that attitude DSD wouldn't be getting a penny right now,

We get by by budgeting out student loan, it sucks sometimes but that's life. If I could work I would as I always have since the age of 15. My partner can't as his course is PGCE+teacher training very intense!

YANBU- the kids will all need support (unless they go to uni in rural north, the maintenance loan doesn't cover accommodation in London let alone food!). But how much, how (monthly, lump sum etc) is definitely a whole family decision. I know it's tempting to get annoyed with your step kids but they are just teens behaving like it with their parents. Your DH is the parent and should get over any hang ups and have a grown up conversation with DH and you together.

I would suggest somewhere between £3-£5k a year split 50:50 would be right, but you have to consider affordability now & for younger kids.

Why on earth would the OP pay the same for her stepkids as she would pay for her own kids? That's totally ignoring the ex's obligation to provide as well.

My blood would be boiling at the stepdaughter saying that she and her 'full' brother should be the financial priority.

I told my kids that they needed to take responsibility for their finances at Uni, I also explained to them if they left with a degree I would cover all their tuition and accommodation expenses. Leaving them to either work to earn enough to live or get a student loan to cover it. I didn't want them thinking they could run up a bill for going mad at Uni thinking their excess would magically disappear at the end.

You certainly should be involved in negotiating how much you give them. It is your and your DH's money and how much you give them is a decision for both of you. It is none of his ex wife's business so if anyone should be excluded from discussions it is her. Your DH needs to (gently) point this out to his children as they don't seem to understand how it all works now that they are adults.

There is an expectation from the state now that parents will support their legally adult dc through university - that is why the kids have capped loans. It's really not like it was for my generation.

I wouldn't say that. I'm not sure what generation you are but when I went (mid 80s), students whose parents earned over a certain amount didn't receive a grant. Their parents were expected to make up the difference. If they didn't you couldn't go to university as there were no loans. I knew one or two people in that position.

Nothing to do with the ex wife. Time to cut those strings and deal with the kids directly. Your DH needs to tell her to that it's none of her business and the kids need to learn that as well.

Sort out what you can afford and give it to them. No negotiation in my view - you don't have to justify your finances to anyone. You and your DH agree it all and deliver the news. End of. This is something you are offering to do, to help them. It should be accepted as that. They don't have the right to demand it.

Don't even engage with the 'priority' comment. Its a sadly common attitude and should be treated with the disdain it deserves.

I think the problem here is that the state expects your dh (and by extension his household ie you) and his exw (and her household) to substantially contribute to your dsc university costs. Both dsc will be ineligible for the financial support the state offers to those from poorer households because of the income of the parents, not because of their own financial situation. I think they've sewn up a loophole. I knew a girl who got a full grant (in the old days) because her parents were divorced. Mum was low earner but dad (non resident) was a very high earner and unmarried stepdad (resident) was also a very high earner. Neither man's income was taken into account so the grant from the state was full. But in fact, both men also substantially contributed so actually she was one very rich student in receipt of state money. They can't have this happening these days.

Anyway, financially I do think it will be better if you and your dh do support your dsc as much as you can during university. The challenge for today's university generation will be debt management throughout their whole lives. If you pay now and help them through university then I think they have a better chance of getting on the property ladder (at all/sooner) and not having to come to the bank of mum, dad and step mum aged 35 or 40. Really this is what you want to avoid and it is a grim reality for this generation. I can see that this sticks in your throat having funded your own university study but that situation is in the past and has no logical impact on the current decision you have to make.

I managed to get through university with a combination of money I earned working (or rather slaving - £60 for a 35 hour week in the summer!), money given to me by my mum and money from the state/university. Living costs were very cheap (rent £120pcm ) and food £1 for a hot meal in a canteen. This was obviously a long time ago but I do have a much younger sibling who was given similar financial support to me but emerged from university with enough debt (of various kinds) to sink a ship. Fees had been brought in, living costs were substantially higher, he was in a more expensive city etc etc. My point is that yes, in his 30s he's needed the bank of mum and dad. It took decades for him to get into a position where he could take out a mortgage (more debt ) and my mum had to pay off some of his university debt in the end anyway!

So the point I'm trying to make is that not supporting them now as much as you can will only mean that they will take 20 more years to become financially independent. And you will be starting AIBUs saying "I am 75 and my 40yo dsc want my pension to pay their debts"

I think you are paying way too much maintenance for 2 kids. £1200 a month for 2 kids on a 60k salary is obsurd!!!

I wouldnt support them through uni. If dh wanted to then that would be up to him to contribute out of his spending money each month after he has done his contribution to your household.

Most people who go to uni dont get a job in the field they qualified in anyway so it can end up being a waste of money unless you know you are going to get a job at the end of it.

Marynary - I didn't go to university for that reason. I would have got a minimum grant, and my mother refused to put anything towards it, saying I should get a job instead, and pay back some of the money that had been spent on me over the years. My father, unfortunately, used to do as he was told for a quiet life.

Me too, I was refused parental support and couldn't go.

Mary I went in the early 90's and the main difference now is that the amount students can borrow, not get in grants is linked to parental income. When I went I could borrow the maximum amount regardless of my parent's income.

Recently the govt has pretty much abolished maintenence grants and even the poorest students have to get a loan, although they are allowed to borrow more.

Pretty sure that you could claim unemployment benefits in the summer when you were a student in the late 80s, early 90s. I am sure dh did.