...to want a say in how much we give step children for uni?

[GinnyMcGinFace]

My husband and I have been together for ten years and have two sons. He also has two children from his previous marriage. His ex wife clearly hired a highwayman for a divorce lawyer because we have paid, religiously, £1200 a month for the children, plus half of uniforms, school trips etc. for years. She also got £250k in cash from the divorce and he got to keep the dog. Anyway, whilst the divorce agreement appears ridiculous to me, it was signed, sealed and delivered before I was on the scene so I've never really said much about it. However, the agreement is clear that it covers only until the children are 18-step daughter is now 20 and step son is 18. Both want to go to uni this year and have asked us-well, their dad actually-for financial support. He said of course we will support them, but it's a conversation we need to have altogether. His ex wife has lost her shit and says it's nothing to do with me and they aren't my children so I shouldn't be involved in what she called 'negotatiations'. I feel-as does my husband to be fair to him-that as this now sits outside of their maintenance agreement, the request is coming from our joint income and therefore I should be involved in making the decision about how much we can afford. My husband has made the point that whatever we agree for the older children we have to be able to offer the younger ones and my step daughter (I suspect repeating her mother) has said that her and her 'full' brother-her words-should be the priority.

I've always got on well with my step children and they adore their little brothers. They have become typical teenagers in that they only get in touch with their dad nowadays when they want something but he is not always that great at calling/texting them either.

Is it my business? Am I just an evil step mother bitch??

Cannot you're projecting your situation on to this.

The OP was justified in what she did, if the mother has pleaded poverty, when she essentially has had a house bought for her, a cash contribution of nearly 15k a year plus all sundries being halved then she has plenty. To plead poverty at this stage is not because she is poor, but because she doesn't want her lifestyle effected, nothing to do with the children.

Why would you need to downsize if the house is paid for/or virtually paid for? This woman earns good money, in fact it would make her in the to 10 % of earners in her area and she pleads poverty? There are thousands upon thousands of people who sent their children to uni on less every year whilst still having children at home on less. She will have neither.

cannot I've had ten years when I could have shown them that and never have because there was no need. However, my husband's ex wife had lied and told them she has been left with no money. They judged my husband for this and felt that he loved his younger children more than them because he was providing for them but hadn't provided adequately for the older ones. Of course I am going to rectify that for them! Of course I am going to show them that they are loved and cared about and that the younger children are no more (or less!) loved than they are. Why on Earth would I save the feelings of my husband's ex wife and cover her lies, leaving my step children feeling rejected and unloved? The children have to come first and I'm afraid my husband's ex wife will have to look the truth in the eye.

I wonder if she really does earn 60k. It seems more likely that earns much less and perhaps bought the house without a mortgage and has been living off a much lower income plus the maintenance all these years.

If he earns £60k and has paid £1200 per month, that's a pretty decent proportion. The ops family haven't had 2 skiing and Florida holidays every year, they've had Majorca type ones.

I think we can safely say that the ex was living quite a nice lifestyle, which was her prerogative to choose do so, but now she has to cut her cloth as she can't afford to continue to do so. Like all of us she could have seen this time coming and planned for the future. Perhaps she could have holidayed in Majorca and paid a little extra off on the mortgage?

When our children go to uni, we will struggle to find all the extra money, despite looking ahead and making some decisions to try to limit this. We too, will need to cut our cloth despite already making some sacrifices so that we could save for this time. It would have been nice to have spent that money we saved on nicer holidays etc, like the ex did, but we didn't because we looked ahead.
The ex will be in no different a position to many other families and that shouldn't mean she can pass the buck over to the ex completely.

I totally agree that she shouldn't pass the buck completely. I just think it is unlikely that she earns 60k as if she did it wouldn't be difficult to help the children financially without downsizing.

It's a thought I suppose although she gave the children the figure of £61,250 to put into the online load calculator thingy (technical term). It would seem bonkers to declare that amount if she weren't earning it. Although u am beginning to think she IS bonkers....

you are utterly clueless as to just how difficult it is to manage long term with children alone.

My divorce settlement bought me a house - outright. I have no mortgage but I do have three children to support. As a result of choices I made prior to knowing my ex and directly as a result of choices we made as a couple, I will never be able to make up a full pension pot. I am throwing as much as I can at it but it won't be enough. I have a brand new car on the driveway not because I am trying to prove some kind of point but because it was interest free for 4 years, had an additional discount due to my professional subscriptions, came with servicing, breakdown, tax etc. for the full 4 years and when evened out compared with the cost of a mid-range used car and finanance, costs me no more. There is then the added bonus of not having to worry about it breaking down, the taxis to and from work, the being late to work etc. with no car because being on my own, there is no one to help me juggle that.

There are few issues that can't be solved in life by throwing money at them. So that's what I do. Bathroom cabinet falls off the wall? Handyman comes in to fix it. Sure, I could do it myself, except I can't lift the bloody thing and my children are not really yet of an age where they can help and there's always the worry of not really knowing what I'm doing so it's better to get a professional in or one of us could end up dead. So that's another £50 down the drain. And so on. And so on.

As for the idiot who says you don't downsize a house that is paid off...utter rubbish. A family home is too big for one person. It requires massive upkeep and the older the house, the more the upkeep is. Smaller houses have a need for a smaller (cheaper) boiler, less of a garden to maintain, new windows are smaller (cheaper), new roof is smaller (cheaper) etc. etc. There is no way I will be able to maintain our family home long term and there is no way whatsoever, I can be putting money away for my children's futures at the current time. Or I could, but we would never have any kind of luxury and I make no apologies for wanting a week in the sun every now and then or just to feel that it is worth working for a living and making a few decent memories with my children. Or what's the point?

On the face of it, my ex's new partner could sit here, from her ivory tower of two full time wages and support to manage her household and say 'but she got everything' (I didn't) and why hasn't she put money away because she earns decent money (which I do)?' And yes, I choose to have a holiday and yes, I buy the odd takeaway or a bottle of wine but fucking hell, I work for a living and need some down time, just like everyone else. In the big scheme of thing, a takeaway pizza and a couple of bottles of wine every month isn't going to put 3 children through uni, is it?!

I am not denying that the ex in this case may have behaved badly. I really do get that. But what I can't stand is the 'she should have done this and that' bollox that gets pulled out time and time again by people who are fucking clueless as to the realities of long-term single-dom with children. It's really not that simple. Be angry with her for lying about not supporting the children but the rest of it is total rubbish. You can't know her financial situation, you can't know how easy or how difficult things may have been, and you can't know whether her situation today is as a result of her excessive spending or just trying to make ends meet.

And I say it again, if this were a couple saying they needed to downsize post-children, would anyone even think to question what they had been doing with their money all these years?

Maybe she used that money for pension provision? So the capital sum looks much less healthy.

It's a thought I suppose although she gave the children the figure of £61,250 to put into the online load calculator thingy (technical term).

Was she putting in your DH's income by any chance?

maybe she doesn't need to downsize but just told the kids that to justify ex paying.

100k would perhaps buy an annuity of around 300-400 a month. The pension us so unseen, yet it is often the couples largest asset.

Jesus Mary why are you so determined that she can't possibly earn 60K and furthermore puts in the wrong data. In fact it will be the data from two years ago so chances are she earns more....
I Don't think the op has been harsh here and I am a firm believer in cutting your cloth. My eldest is going to uni in September and I will lose a hundred a week in tax credits... he is disabled. I knew this was coming though..
And we live in a rental. No downsizing or large payoffs from the exh except the mountains of debt he was kind enough to leave me in.

Cannot, again you are projecting your situation onto the OP, you sound like you've had a hard time but come on, the Mother in this situation had virtually two incomes to support her child, and had the cost of sundries shared with her ex.

All of us can acknoledge that its difficult, but even the point about downsizing that the Mother in this situation has made is different to yours. She has said she would need to downsize to support them on a salary of £60k. Which is rubbish.

Virtually two incomes to support children ? What like most people would have, imagine that the spoilt cow 😂

Jesus Mary why are you so determined that she can't possibly earn 60K and furthermore puts in the wrong data. In fact it will be the data from two years ago so chances are she earns more....

What gives you the impression that I am "so determined" that she can't possibly earn 60K and I certainly didn't suggest OP was being harsh.
It am just saying that it is possible she doesn't that much considering that she claims she can't afford to give her children any money for university despite probably not having a mortgage. She obviously could be lying about it (she certainly is lying about something) but who knows.
I also thought that loan amounts were judged on both parents incomes nowadays not just one parents even if they are divorced.

Virtually two incomes to support children ? What like most people would have, imagine that the spoilt cow

Oh the irony....!!!!

she has said she would need to downsize to support them on a salary of £60k. Which is rubbish

rubbish? really? how can you possibly know that on a guessed income alone?

I am not 'projecting'. I am offering an alternative view to a situation. A possible other side of the story. Believe me, the number of people who think they know who/what I am beggars belief. Not to mention those who have no qualms whatsoever of standing in front of me and saying how can you afford that? Because people assume I am something I am not based on their misconceptions and judgements and the media. I can see my ex's OH on here in a few years time saying the same stuff...I am saying that there is reason to consider it from a different perspective but I am not saying I am necessarily 'right'. Just that there are two possible sides.

I will also say that this forum frequently advocates that at 18 'children' are in fact 'adults' and should support themselves. I won't be supporting my children because I wont' be able to afford to do that and maintain any kind of quality of life for myself. Pains me hugely - because my parents did way more for me financially than I will ever be able to do for my children - but that's life post-divorce and we will all have to make the best of it. They can look to their father at that time or support themselves - like thousands of others. I will have done my bit. I will be exhausted by then and will deserve some rest and relaxation with whatever money I have. Good salary or not, I am looking forward to the day when I am able to spend all of my available money on me, on stuff I want to do, going places I want to go...just having a life for me which at the moment is denied me.

And again, if I were part of a couple saying we are unable to support our children into university, would I have been treated in quite the same way here?

"Virtually two incomes to support children ? What like most people would have, imagine that the spoilt cow 😂"

She got supported, the children were paid for, had housing provided etc. £1,200 a month is £14,400 a year, plus half of the sundries etc that their father paid. They went on great holidays twice a year etc etc.

The spoilt cow is now turning the emotional screw on the children telling them that she will have to sell their home to support them at Uni when she earns a very good salary, and has told them that their father didn't support them when they were younger so why don't they ask him.

Oh but she's a single mum, she has to be protected eh?

Can't .. if you were part of a couple whose income for the last ten years has been well over 50k, yes I would be saying that.

Cannot.... bitter much?
I earn a fraction of what you do and I will always help where I can with my children. You sound so 'woe is me' so your parents help you but you won't your own children and they have to go to their father. Why? Is his situation different from yours?

His situation most probably is different from hers as he's had no pesky children hindering his career has he ?

cannot You sound like my mother. My parents divorced and my mother blew through her settlement before my younger brother turned 18. My Dad sucked it up and focused on working to make enough money to support his family. To this day she continues to tell us she was hard done by. How she couldn't work because she had to be available at a moments notice for my brother. My siblings and I know it is all bullshit. If your child is naughty at school you can deal with 95% of the issues via phone calls (no email back then) or notes going back and forth. If you need to work late you can always rope people in to help. My dad had his mother, sister and friends help out while he worked.

I saw my mother make herself a victim thinking my siblings and I would turn against my Dad. It backfired on her in a major way and we saw right through it. Today my siblings and I have a much closer relationship with my father compared to my mother. Nothing is said but it's a game of dodging the bill for supporting my mother in her old age. None of us want that bill because in our minds, my Dad gave her far more money than we have and she wasn't happy, so us giving her money is only going to create misery for us.

OP - I seriously wish my Dad had met someone as nice as you after my parents divorced. Instead I got an awful gold digger who was the one behind my dad paying nothing when I went through university. Oh and I got 'I am your mother figure and you must respect me.' Finally after 17 years she buggered off when my Dad refused to do as she said. She was awful!

Want - it's backfired because you sound like awful people full stop.

£1200 a month plus half of sundries. Were they privately educated OP? Under that circumstance I would expect that her disposable income would be fairly minimal and current savings non existent if she was paying half the fees but otherwise I'd expect that sort of cash to cover a huge proportion of their monthly costs as a family of 3. Leaving her salary for parties, treats and holidays.

I think want2be sounds anything but awful. She saw it first hand.... some women see the men that Don't want as their meal ticket. Why shouldn't people work and pull their weight?