...to want a say in how much we give step children for uni?

[GinnyMcGinFace]

My husband and I have been together for ten years and have two sons. He also has two children from his previous marriage. His ex wife clearly hired a highwayman for a divorce lawyer because we have paid, religiously, £1200 a month for the children, plus half of uniforms, school trips etc. for years. She also got £250k in cash from the divorce and he got to keep the dog. Anyway, whilst the divorce agreement appears ridiculous to me, it was signed, sealed and delivered before I was on the scene so I've never really said much about it. However, the agreement is clear that it covers only until the children are 18-step daughter is now 20 and step son is 18. Both want to go to uni this year and have asked us-well, their dad actually-for financial support. He said of course we will support them, but it's a conversation we need to have altogether. His ex wife has lost her shit and says it's nothing to do with me and they aren't my children so I shouldn't be involved in what she called 'negotatiations'. I feel-as does my husband to be fair to him-that as this now sits outside of their maintenance agreement, the request is coming from our joint income and therefore I should be involved in making the decision about how much we can afford. My husband has made the point that whatever we agree for the older children we have to be able to offer the younger ones and my step daughter (I suspect repeating her mother) has said that her and her 'full' brother-her words-should be the priority.

I've always got on well with my step children and they adore their little brothers. They have become typical teenagers in that they only get in touch with their dad nowadays when they want something but he is not always that great at calling/texting them either.

Is it my business? Am I just an evil step mother bitch??

And that's what it comes down to isn't it. Years ago the parents paid for a wedding, this is the modern day equivalent I think and those who don't cough up have to look at the consequences and damage to their relationship. My brother didn't go to university because my mum got her tits done, I kid you not.

But we aren't suggesting we won't 'cough up'. We have never suggested that.

I think it's a great shame in that they don't respect you as a person. However, you have been brought into their lives and there has been expectations that they would be friendly towards you and involve you in discussions about their lives. I'm not saying that your DH shouldn't marry again, but I think we expect a lot from people to accept extra people into their lives.

When the time comes for graduation, maybe you won't have a ticket, as you are not the children's most significant others - doesn't matter how nice you've been or how caring. And a wedding? You may find your DH is paying some cost, but you might not even be invited. That's hard, especially as you have joint finances but it's something I think you have to come to terms with.

I know several adult children who refuse even to meet or spend time with their parents second spouse. They don't feel jealous, or aggrieved by them, they just don't want to get to know them.

It's a difficult road.

Graduation is often only two tickets anyway so that wouldn't offend me in the slightest although up until now I have been to the majority of things-I've done the last two parents' evenings for example as my husband's ex wife has been working and my husband has been deployed. I've lost count of the number of assemblies and plays and sports days I've been to (I smashed the mum's race three years running for the step children much to the dismay of my own children as I have never managed to repeat this since gaining baby weight and eating cake never losing it) It's honestly not the hideous relationship that this snapshot of our lives gives I don't think (I hope!), it's just this one issue that has arisen which appears to have brought out the worst in them-well, my step daughter certainly. And perhaps me! I don't know! Tomorrow should tell....

How did it go?

I wondered too.

Sorry, I've been at work.

It was interesting! They came over and had made some attempts to get costs and stuff together and we helped them to look up/estimate the rest. We looked at support and so on and then started to talk about how much wood be fair. My stepdaughter got very upset when my husband said that he was expecting his ex wife to support them too. Long story condensed: their mother has told them that she can't afford to support them and will have to downsize her house as she can't afford to support them. There followed what can only be described as a tirade of bs about how she had been left high and dry after the marriage and the mother had left him because he was such an awful husband. I'm afraid at this point I did not cover myself in glory. I didn't shout or anything but I did go and get my husband's copy of the divorce agreement from our filing cabinet. I wasn't being nasty, it was just very hard to hear when I knew how much she had been given and how much my husband has struggled. I asked them to read it and I drew their attention particularly to the £250k. The room went a bit quiet for a bit after that!

After a calm down and a cup of tea, it turns out that the children have been fed quite a tale about money and how my husband had to be begged for money and was very tight. They could see clearly that wasn't true from the agreement although he did offer to show them the bank statements to prove it! I think that the loss of maintenance means that she won't be able to sustain her lifestyle (God knows how, she's not poor!) and so is using this as an excuse. The children were far from happy that they have been lied to and I feel very, very sorry for them.

To be honest, we didn't get much further than that. My step daughter was really apologetic and explained she really did believe that her dad had not paid much and has been very tight over the years and so she saw us with our children and felt it was unfair and that is why she was so upset. That's understandable I guess.

So, we've said that the uni money talks will continue next week but we put it aside for a cup
Of tea and a healthy game of cards against humanity!

We are, however, awaiting the inevitable abuse from my husband's ex wife....

*would! Terrible typo!

Oh wow.

Stupid woman (exw) she made that rod for her own back right there.

This will backfire on her spectacularly. The dc will now know that their entire lives were a lie and worse, that their mother has refused to support them when she had shit loads of money.

Added to this she's emotionally blackmailing them, I'll have to sell the house to support you.

You both did the right thing, and perhaps it all makes a bit more sense to all sides now.

Letting the dust settle a bit is a good idea. His dc have a lot of thinking to do.

Do not let their mother off the hook wrt supporting them, she has to put in at least what you and your h put in. I dare say the dc will want that too tbh.

Ouch

I'd love to know what she's been doing with the £1200 per month!

Oh dear.

In the end though it's a very good thing that the dcs have had a cards on the table talk and seen the figures for themselves. They could have gone throughtheir lives believing that their dad was a bastard who had left their mum high and dry, while lavishing his new family with luxuries. You would have carried on wondering why there was simmering resentment despite your generosity and love.

Now they know, although no doubt their mum will have a different spin on things, so be prepared for futher allegations.

Thing is though, their mum will still be losing maintenance, as any uni help will go direct to the dcs, not their mum. If she needs to downsize that's her choice and nothing to do with her dcs or her ex. many families do so when the kids fly the nest - nothing to pity her for.

I'd go ahead and pay half whatever you agree on as if their dm is taking a share of the contribution. If she chooses not to chip in then they can get themselves a job to help their mum in the manner to which she has clearly become accustomed.

Yes I think ultimately it's good that they have our side of the story and it's a terrible shame that my husband's ex wife felt the need to be disingenuous. In all honesty, being married to a man in the forces isn't always much fun and I can see how it can break marriages and is too much for a wife to put up with. He isn't the terrible husband she has told them he was, he just wasn't the right husband for her. There was no need to be spiteful like this. I feel awful for the children though. They should be able to look to their mother for advice and truth and protection (yes I know they're adults but you never stop being someone's child) and they looked heartshattered by the end of yesterday. There are always two sides to every story but facts can't be denied, unfortunately for them.

As for what the money has been spent on: it's interesting that this is the first year that she has not gone on a foreign holiday yet (up until now it's always been Easter Hols and summer hols) and she has two cars, a five bedroom house etc etc. I think she has just consistently lived beyond her means but won't have our extra money to keep her afloat. It's actually quite sad in many ways.

It's good that the truth is out now, in that you will hopefully have a better relationship with them in future. They will stop blaming you for things that are not true. Am sorry for the kids though - horrible for them to find out their mum has lied for so long.

Wow!

Have lurked. Hope that your DSC are okay? The truth always will out in the end but they must be very hurt indeed. Hugs, love and tea. youvw been very reasonable and fair so far so head down and wait for the backlash from their mum. Poor kids.

I think you have been paying for her holidays and second car OP!

She has been relying on the very generous maintenance money to give her a better lifestyle. But it was always intended to support the DCs, not her (she has a well paid job anyway, doesn't she?) She should have spend it on the kids, any left over she should have saved for the future. Like university.

She always knew the day was coming when the maintenance would stop, and now it is here she is trying to guilt trip her kids. In the meantime she has been poisoning the DCs relationship with their father by telling them lies over the years, and disrespecting you at the same time. What a lovely woman.

She did spend it on the kids if they went on those holidays etc

Yes Pissed you're right, and we said we fly that to ourselves-at least we have paid for something they have enjoyed too. I would have preferred to have paid less and for them to have gone on holidays to Majorca rather than skiing or Florida I'll admit, but that's because I'm a wicked evil step mother.

I don't know where 'we fly' came from...

I'm sure you would it'll all come good in the end eh

Southwesterly thank you for asking, yes I think they are ok. They have both called tonight to speak to their brothers (ten year old had SATS today) and they said they are just having a think about how to broach things with their mum. We have said to them that is knowing they know the truth is enough for us, so if they would rather let sleeping dogs lie then they can. They know they are always welcome with us and they have a home here so they can do whatever they want to do. It's a big shock for them I suppose-a person responsible for setting their moral compass doesn't appear to have used her own-and they will get over it in their own time and their own way.

Oh dear.
Surely she must have seen it coming? It's not unusual though even with parents who are together refusing to hand over the money. After all, it's a decent amount that would pay for a holiday. And if you set your finances to account for what's coming in few people will have that amount spare, without feeling it.

It's not easy to convert the cash given in the divorce settlement from the house, to uni fees, but that is exactly what needs to happen. However, they still need a roof over their heads at their mums. They are having to have three bedrooms if you like paid for per child. Expensive.

People who spend I think are often unhappy.

Could the children go to local unis?

As quite rightly said by haff it's not the uni that's causing this, it's the fact they have grown up.
My sil had to sell after divorce, as there wasn't enough money in the pot to enable her to keep any house. As the children were older, no money to keep them, so they have had to make their own way in life.

OP I have been in your situation.

The maintainence paid was more than enough.

Being a step mother is the hardest thing I have ever done. It is thankless. Me & my DH have 2 DC together and he has 2 DC the same age as your SDC.

As adults they are not entitled to anything now and should not expect it . The comment by your DSD is awful and there is no excuse for it . You have clearly supported your DSC to the hilt - it is time for firm boundaries now .

pissed she spent the money irresponsibly and didn't put aside any savings for her dc university costs. she spent it with the intention to deprive them of her financial help. she chose to unfairly and dishonestly slander their father which has had knock on effects re their relationship with their dad and step family.

she knows where she stands legally re responsibility towards her dc, yet she's using their dad as an excuse to shift the blame.

i can only imagine how the dc must be feeling after hearing the truth - but it was needed and i'm glad you did it.

and now you can all enjoy a much better relationship because the truth is out in the open

the mother will just have to deal with her karma/effects of her actions over the years.