...to want a say in how much we give step children for uni?

[GinnyMcGinFace]

My husband and I have been together for ten years and have two sons. He also has two children from his previous marriage. His ex wife clearly hired a highwayman for a divorce lawyer because we have paid, religiously, £1200 a month for the children, plus half of uniforms, school trips etc. for years. She also got £250k in cash from the divorce and he got to keep the dog. Anyway, whilst the divorce agreement appears ridiculous to me, it was signed, sealed and delivered before I was on the scene so I've never really said much about it. However, the agreement is clear that it covers only until the children are 18-step daughter is now 20 and step son is 18. Both want to go to uni this year and have asked us-well, their dad actually-for financial support. He said of course we will support them, but it's a conversation we need to have altogether. His ex wife has lost her shit and says it's nothing to do with me and they aren't my children so I shouldn't be involved in what she called 'negotatiations'. I feel-as does my husband to be fair to him-that as this now sits outside of their maintenance agreement, the request is coming from our joint income and therefore I should be involved in making the decision about how much we can afford. My husband has made the point that whatever we agree for the older children we have to be able to offer the younger ones and my step daughter (I suspect repeating her mother) has said that her and her 'full' brother-her words-should be the priority.

I've always got on well with my step children and they adore their little brothers. They have become typical teenagers in that they only get in touch with their dad nowadays when they want something but he is not always that great at calling/texting them either.

Is it my business? Am I just an evil step mother bitch??

Friends I know pay about £500 per month in a mid price city, so my finger in the wind offer would be £250 per parent- but needs more in depth calculations.
Great idea about the car but if this is the only contribution, how will they fund the rest?
I think sending them food deliveries is infantilising them a bit. Let them manage their own budget.

The car is a whole other minefield.

dowhat well, that's the thing isn't it? Our thinking is that if we paid the car costs then we know they are safe driving because I can assure you they won't bother servicing it, checking tyres etc. and whatever money they would spend on these things they will have for funding other costs. However, I suspect they will decline because it's not money they feel they NEED to spend. I worry so much about them crashing a car not fit for the road and endangering themselves and other people. We will table it as an alternative to cash and let them choose. They're coming tomorrow-much to their mother's disgust I might add-so we will see how that works out...

You're babying them love. Pay car insurance, or help them, the rest really is down to them

Why to the mothers disgust? They don't have to come, if it offends her... She can cough up can't she?

We aren't going to do both those things Hissy-one or the other. I take the point about babying them, honestly I do, but when the ramifications of letting them Make their own decisions with regards to money and their cars I know that they will simply skimp on the car. That's all very well but it doesn't just endanger them, it endangers everyone else on the road. I don't think they'll want us to pay the car anyway so it's academic I guess.

And to the mother's disgust because she thinks it is a conversation she should be having with the 'children' and my husband and not his 'insignificant' wife (her words). You see, this is why I do retain huge sympathies for my step children because they live with those adjectives describing me all the time so it's bound to seep into them subconsciously. My younger son got a badge maker for his birthday and I am going to make myself a badge saying 'I'm nice. Honest.'

No wonder she's an ex.

What does all this jealousy bring her?

i think your h is well placed to explain the importance of respecting you, the step mother they've dad for 10 years. As kind as it is of you to give some benefit of the doubt, they have known you all this time, but still insist they are more important than their younger siblings.

I'd mak one of dh very early questions a non negotiable, how much is your mother putting in?

There are 3 adults who care enough about these kids, they are ridiculously lucky.

there are 2 kids who first chose to outstretch a hand rather than take the opportunity to be responsible for themselves. I think less is more, they need to appreciate what life takes to live,

My worry so that you seem to spend too much energy hoping they will like you.
They have seen you for 10 years, that's enough to know the person you are. It says more about them than it does you that they are so dismissive and disrespectful

You are lovely. If they can't see that, perhaps university will be wasted on them as they're just too dense to learn anything.

I'm sorry but £70 a week isn't going to pay for food, rent, books and fees.
This is easy- you and your DH decide how much is a reasonable amount each month and then he tells rh that's what they're getting.
It's nothing to go with the ex wife.
Her comments about you are laughable btw

Oly we aren't planning on paying rent, food, books, fees etc. They need to find out what loan they can get first and we will go from there.

Hissy my husband's ex wife, I think, thought the grass was greener but was dropped from a great height and humiliated by the partner she had from two weeks after she broke up with my husband and blatantly had an affair with. Four years down the line it transpires be was still with his own wife who thought he was working away four on four off (as did my husband's ex wife). She has been alone ever since and although she has a very nice life materially, I think she is very lonely-she has told the children this-and I think it comes out in venom towards us. I feel a bit sorry for her really which sounds like I am being nasty-I'm really not.

As for wanting the children to like me, it's not really that if I'm honest. It's that I want them to respect me, the same as I want my own children to do. I do find it very upsetting that they feel that I have somehow slighted their mum because I had not even laid eyes on my husband until their marriage was over but I guess to them, however old they get, I'm always the woman who was the spanner in the works of their parents ever getting back together. Sometimes my own children don't like me much-like today, as they are not allowed any screens at all all day because they didn't behave this morning-but they respect me and are polite and kind. Actually, writing that, I think I have hit the nail on the head and hadn't realised. My step children can be very unkind and THAT is what I can't stand. For the little ones, we have a house rule: Before you say anything, ask yourself two questions, 1) is is necessary? and 2) is it kind? If the answer is yes in their heads then it's fine! My step children do not adhere to this and so they say anything they like and employ any tactics they like to get what they want, repeating things purely to hurt my feelings. For example, my step son forwarded to my husband the text about me being 'insignificant'-we didn't get that first hand.

Wow, that is completely out of order Ginny. I thought you said before you got on well with your DSCs?

Both of them are old enough now, and presumably intelligent enough (if they are going to uni) to see how wrong this attitude to you is, surely? Your DH needs to be having strong words with them both and they need to rethink their attitude. After that is sorted, then maybe they can move on to discussing financial help at university.

Your DH has been a brilliant father (not his fault at all he wasn't allowed to be a resident father, as no doubt he originally wanted) and has contributed financially over the odds for years without complaint. So have you of course, and it sound as though you're a brilliant SM too. You're both completely in the right hear, whereas the ex sounds like a piece of work. And unfortunately it sounds as though the DSC are picking up some of her unpleasantness.

Time to put your foot down (feet?) You'll be dong them a favour too, they need to learn a better way of treating people than their DM's poor example.

She's just trying to hurt you and using the kids to do it. Rise above it.
I think agreeing with your husband a set amount and going from there is a good way forward.
Of course you should be involved, you have a family with this man and this is about your life and finances together.

you're in the right here of course!
and you'll be doing them a favour!

Wow, what an insight you have now. By the sounds of it your h can see this too. Forwarding that text wasn't just unkind, it was out and out mean!

I'm undecided on the text front to be honest. He had been messaging my husband and said something along the lines of they were going to leave once their mum had left in the morning as she's going out for the day to 'reduce the grief' and my husband asked what grief so he forwarded the message. Sorry, I probably should have contextualised that. Maybe he didn't need to do that, maybe he did it to be mean, I don't know. My husband was which is the only reason I looked over his shoulder and read it or I would still be blissfully unaware. We HAVE always got on very well and they say they few much more relaxed at our house. I have always thought that one of the big reasons that his ex wife is so nasty about me is because ok not an arguer. I'm soft or anything but I rarely argue with anybody unless the outcome actually matters so up until now her comments and jibes about being sappy, fat (which I'm not, particularly) etc. haven't got any response from me, because she is not important to me. My bank balance is though! And more importantly, being fair to all our children is.

Thank you to everyone who has answered this by the way, it's given me a lot of insight and balance.

I think you've got your head screwed on OP.
Let's not make this thread into one where everyone analyses your relationship with your stepchildren. The context you just provided sounds fine. Your stepson was messaging his dad, he didn't know you would see it.
The issue is whether you should be involved in discussions about how much the kids get for uni. And you absolutely should be involved. And money should be set aside for all kids to go to uni.
Good luck!

These stepkids have parents on an income of £120000 between them.They are not poor With all due respect, your DH and his ex need to get their priorities sorted out and surely for any parent, education of their DC is a very very hight priority.
.Because their mother is wealthy they are missing out on about £3k worth of maintenance loan + probably £3k bursary from their uni each.Your DH and his ex need to step up to the plate and put their hand in their pockets!
Sorry I don't think your DH wanting to use HIS money to support HIS DC is any of your business and you are coming over as a jealous resentful stepmother.

It's family money peaches and that money has to be spent on FOUR children.

And the kids have arms and legs and can work to support themselves in some way shape or form without EXPECTING anyone to keep them in the life to which they feel entitled.

I think we've been over the fact that they aren't getting £6,000 because their parents earn too much enough times. So yes they are entitled actually. That's how it works

Peaches-are you my husband's ex wife?? Seriously, thank you for your response, everything is useful to a degree, even if it is simply to solidify my feelings as yours has. My husband and I are married and our finances are joint. Everybody runs their household differently, but in ours there simply isn't 'his' money and 'my' money. How 'our' money is spent is, of course, my business. Additionally, of course we know their education is important, that's why we have always expected to contribute-that's never been in question. What IS in question, however, is how much input I should have in those discussions and how much that should be. Yes, we are well off, I made that point myself (and actually, your figure only includes my husband's and his ex wife's salary yet mine is available to them also as it is to my own children) but this should not mean that any of our children are given blank cheques-there are no life lessons in that. We have all worked very hard, and continue to do so (my husband's ex wife especially) for the money we earn and we all recognise the need to contribute.

As for being resentful, perhaps I have come across like that? I'm sure others will agree with you if that's the case and sometimes those opinions are good to hear in case I can't see the wood for the trees so to speak. However, that genuinely isn't the case. I take my hat off to any step parents who don't like their step children because I don't think we would have been as happily married as we have been and still are if that relationship had been problematic-the uni money issue is a new one which is why I asked for guidance on here. If we were talking about my own children the thread would read in exactly the same way and in fact whatever we agree tomorrow will automatically outline the help that the younger children will have.

I don't think they're entitled to help from the non-resident parent actually. Only from the household in which they actually live (,their mother's). That's just how Student Finance work things out, whether right or wrong. They ignore the non-resident parent's household income completely and assume the student isn't getting anything from them. So if the OP and her DH wanted to give them nothing at all for university, that would be legally fine I think.

However I am sure they won't do that.

As step families are so common I wish there was some common 'rules' around this. We decided to treat our children all the same, so that means we will pay for certain costs for Uni, accomodation, food, travel home and a contribution to a phone.

The socialising and clothes is for them to fund - through working or a loan. We do encourage them to look for Unis in lower cost areas as there hasn't been a reason why London has to be a chosen as there are good RG unis all over the country.

Generally we have found halls accomodation is the most expensive year and shared houses in later years has been much cheaper. Our dc's have found flexible jobs in big Uni cities/towns and it hasn't been an issue. On reflection all dc's have said the work experience has been essential to building confidence for job hunting. It's not a negative to have to work at Uni.

My dsd's mum works and has a high earning husband so loans are lower for dsd however her mum refusing to pay a penny. It's has to be DH's responsibility entirely (in her opinion) although household incomes are very similar.

Women can't have it all ways, if we have equality then we need to pay our share for our children. It shouldn't just be the dad's responsibility.

All our dc's gathered the information on halls cost etc and we helped them build a budget. I truly believe it doesn't help the dc's if at 18/19 year olds they are not taking ownership for money. I think it's recreating a dependency which isn't healthy.

Pissed no, they are not entitled. They are more than welcome but not entitled, to our money or their mother's. The thread has never been about whether or not we are willing to pay anything, we have always expected to and it will be a pleasure to help support them as they learn how to support themselves.

Thank you newname that's really helpful X

I understand what you're saying but truly it's your "fault" for want of a better description that they can't get loans and grants so it is up to the parents to step in in that situation

Strictly speaking Pissed they're not 'entitled' (my parents charmingly refused to pay their - substantial -assessed contribution towards my student finance, leaving me on the breadline, so I am very familiar). It's a mad system; The income of an adult's parents is assessed (or assumed) but there is no mechanism whereby the adult in question can secure the assessed contribution from the parents. Even estrangement can be difficult to prove.

Of course, many of us would have a certain view of parents who didn't pay, but that's just a view and views don't pay for pasta.

Ginny I think you're doing all you can do. Good luck for the meeting.

Pissed We know that, that isn't the point of my post. I wasn't asking whether we should contribute. That's not in question, we have always expected to contribute. I was questioning if it's reasonable to want input into what and how much we pay and I have come to the conclusion, with the help of lots of different views and the provision of some really useful information that it is entirely reasonable for me to be involved in how our money supports our four children.

Our salaries aren't factored into the calculations by the loans people so it's not our 'fault' it's my husband's ex wife's 'fault' but we all have the responsibility, morally, to support them and we will. Even if I am sappy and fat