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AIBU?

To think that something is going on

258 replies

DoorMat1010 · 02/05/2016 22:40

Backstory - DH and I have been together for 6 years, married for 2. Have a 3yo DC and living together since 9m into the relationship.
Since moving in together he's always preferred to stay home with me, or enjoy time with me - Up a few months ago.

Sex life has been lacking for a while, due to my medical problems but last few days have been good in that regard.

He works full time and every weekend (1 or 2 days off a week depending on the week) and gets home shortly before DC goes to bed (usually 15 mins sometimes not at all)

He wakes at 7:45am and leaves for work at 8:20am and barely spends time with DC or myself. Recently he's asked me to reduce my already limited hours at work, he's started going out more in the evening after he spends 20 minutes with DC tonight told me he'd be back for 8pm, only got home at 9:30pm).

If I go out (I work shifts - so often I'm out late when working) I get a barrage of messages asking me when I'm going to be home, my last shift in the space of 2 hours I had 26 messages and 2 calls. Even if I nip out and leave DC with him, for 30mins. I'll get messages and phone calls asking me how long I'll be and such like. But if I message him more than once just to see how he's getting on and if he's ok, snaps at me asking me "why can't I go out, and do things, I work all the time, can't I do something for me?".

I actively encouraged him to go out and have fun but is it too much to ask that I feel 4/5 nights a week I'm alone when DC is in bed because he's swanned off somewhere?.

I do everything for DC and him. Rarely get a thank you, or acknowledgement from him. (I love doing things for with my DC and obviously do not begrudge for this. DC is my bloody world!)

He's ALWAYS on his phone texting or such but when I message, it's difficult to get a response back (only over the last few weeks). I can't get hold of his phone as he has always got it on him. Always. Even when he goes for a shower, he takes it in the bathroom. And the 20ish minutes he spends with DC, he's still on his phone.

Snappy and bad tempered very often towards me unless he thinks I'm going to have sex with him.

Tried to talk to him about something that had really upset me, and wanted his advice. And he walked out of the room, saying he needed to do something but just to shout to him whilst he was doing it.

I don't think he's having an affair but something doesn't feel right.

Before anyone asks, DC is DH's, we were ttc and he told me he wanted to be a father.

Not prepared for a flaming.

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lepoardnickle · 03/05/2016 10:23

Im sure if you gave us a vague idea of your area one of us would follow him, I've always wanted to do that Grin

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Wdigin2this · 03/05/2016 10:25

Well, sorry to say, this sounds like....YES he is seeing someone else, and the constant checking on you is so he knows where you are in order to get his story straight!

Or, (and I'm not sure which is worse) he has decided he doesn't want the responsibility of a family, and is also a control freak.....either way, get out now would be my advice!

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OnlyLovers · 03/05/2016 10:26

OP, I'm sorry he's treating you like this. Why should you drop your hours against your wishes? Why do you have to do all the work at home? Why can he not spend half an hour with HIS child without complaining?

I don't know if he's having an affair; there are wiser heads than mine on here. But I'm holding your hand. Thanks

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Wdigin2this · 03/05/2016 10:26

Leopard great idea!

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FeralBeryl · 03/05/2016 10:27

Im sure if you gave us a vague idea of your area one of us would follow him, I've always wanted to do that

Ooh I'm well up for that Lepoard Grin
Dusts off trench Mac and sunglasses.

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Doingmybestmum · 03/05/2016 10:27

could you get a friend to babysit once a week (I know its difficult but you would have to reciprocate) so that you both prioritise your relationship. If he is resistant or makes excuses its time for a chat - away from DC of course. His behaviour is obviously upsetting you and to ignore it will only reduce your confidence. Not being judgemental but your choice of name is interesting - be careful it doesn't come true! You deserve better.

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DoorMat1010 · 03/05/2016 10:30

I'm going to ask my dad to watch DC while H and myself talk. Not being controlled anymore.

My baby and I deserve better X

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PestilentialCat · 03/05/2016 10:34

Does he actually go to the pub he says he goes to? Seems odd to drive every time - I suspect he's elsewhere up to no good

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BastardGoDarkly · 03/05/2016 10:36

Good, have it out with him, don't let him walk out or walk away.

I was going to say, have a babysitter sorted, then when he says... I'm going to the pub, say, great, I'll come! And watch his face.

I'm so sorry op, it doesn't look good Flowers

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Becca1818 · 03/05/2016 10:38

I haven't read all of the replies but I too think something is going on. More than likely an affair.

And I would start preparing for such.

Do you have A joint bank account?
Are all the bills in joint name? Make sure they are.
Do not cut ties with your job.
Start Saving some money if you can just in case.

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afussyphase · 03/05/2016 10:39

Yes! You and your baby deserve SO MUCH better.
It seems like the affair is the least of the problems. Your DH sounds incredibly selfish as well as controlling. Can you imagine announcing to a spouse that you're going to be out most evenings (and I don't imagine he's hiring a babysitter so you aren't "trapped" at home as a result, yes?), doing what sounds like no parenting whatsoever, harping on until your spouse drops work hours? Not to mention the 26 messages in 2 hours. Totally infuriating. I hope you get him out very very soon and enjoy your lovely baby in peace.

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Slummamumma · 03/05/2016 10:41

OP good luck with the talk. I don't think whether or not he is cheating is really the main issue - his controlling behaviour and lack of respect for you are definite red flags and need addressing. You and your baby do deserve better Flowers

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sepa · 03/05/2016 10:41

Yep. Even if he isn't cheating on you he isn't treating you as an equal.
You deserve way better. So does your DC deserve better.

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MrSnow · 03/05/2016 10:50

Just a different point of view; is he gambling? sounds very much like my behaviour of old. Making bets on his phone and driving to the bookies to play the machines? I may be way out here.

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KittyKrap · 03/05/2016 10:53

Just a different point of view; is he gambling? sounds very much like my behaviour of old. Making bets on his phone and driving to the bookies to play the machines? I may be way out here.

I thought that too.

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CocktailQueen · 03/05/2016 11:06

Quite apart from whether or not he's cheating, he's behaving horribly and not treating you like an equal.

Where's your time to go out? Why isn't he pulling his weight at home (you do everything for him), and why is he such a crap father?

And the in the space of 2 hours I had 26 messages and 2 calls - I have no idea why, but that's massively unreasonable.

You need to talk to him. If he can't see how unreasonable he's being, or doesn't want to talk to you properly, and nicely, ask him to leave.

He may as well, anyway. It's not like he's much use at home.

Flowers

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theredjellybean · 03/05/2016 11:13

oh dear , I would put money, a lot of money on him having an affair.

It is so classic as to be almost unbelievable.

of course he wants you working less, so he can justify his going out ...the same old entitled rubbish ' oh i work so hard to support you and baby doormat and you begrudge me a bit of fun...blah blah..'

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AnotherPrickInTheWall · 03/05/2016 11:50

My first thought was gambling .
Are all the bills being paid on time?

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TheCrumpettyTree · 03/05/2016 11:54

I don't think for a minute he's driving to the pub. He's trying to isolate and control you so yes you definitely need to take some control here. And he feels trapped? Well let him go then. Sorted.

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AnotherPrickInTheWall · 03/05/2016 12:09

Controlling by isolating another person is something I have experienced and I think you need to get out of this relationship sooner rather than later.

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MissPronounced · 03/05/2016 12:12

Whether he's hiding an affair (or anything else) from you or not, he's not being a decent - or even present - husband to you.

You should think about how your life might be different (quite possibly much easier and pleasant) with him gone.

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DoorMat1010 · 03/05/2016 12:27

he same old entitled rubbish ' oh i work so hard to support you and baby doormat and you begrudge me a bit of fun...blah blah.'

That's exactly what he's said.

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hazelangell · 03/05/2016 12:47

All the same signs that I had when my ex was cheating. If someone guards their phone so much, taking it with them when showering or using the toilet then something is up IMO.

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HidingUnderARock · 03/05/2016 13:11

He may have asked you to drop your hours so that firstly it is harder for you to leave, and secondly his contribution to the mortgage is bigger leaving you less chance of keeping your home in a divorce.

Are you rented or mortgaged?
Does the mortgage come out of a joint account that both your money goes into, or just his account and you pay for food and some bills etc?

If he were gambling wouldn't he want more money coming in? Not something I know about.

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blueskyinmarch · 03/05/2016 13:21

He is either very controlling and wants you around to be at his beck and call and take care of domestic matters so he can live the life of a single guy.

Or he is having an affair.

Either way it is not good and you need to consider your future for the sake of you and your DC.

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