To think that something is going on

[DoorMat1010]

Backstory - DH and I have been together for 6 years, married for 2. Have a 3yo DC and living together since 9m into the relationship.
Since moving in together he's always preferred to stay home with me, or enjoy time with me - Up a few months ago.

Sex life has been lacking for a while, due to my medical problems but last few days have been good in that regard.

He works full time and every weekend (1 or 2 days off a week depending on the week) and gets home shortly before DC goes to bed (usually 15 mins sometimes not at all)

He wakes at 7:45am and leaves for work at 8:20am and barely spends time with DC or myself. Recently he's asked me to reduce my already limited hours at work, he's started going out more in the evening after he spends 20 minutes with DC tonight told me he'd be back for 8pm, only got home at 9:30pm).

If I go out (I work shifts - so often I'm out late when working) I get a barrage of messages asking me when I'm going to be home, my last shift in the space of 2 hours I had 26 messages and 2 calls. Even if I nip out and leave DC with him, for 30mins. I'll get messages and phone calls asking me how long I'll be and such like. But if I message him more than once just to see how he's getting on and if he's ok, snaps at me asking me "why can't I go out, and do things, I work all the time, can't I do something for me?".

I actively encouraged him to go out and have fun but is it too much to ask that I feel 4/5 nights a week I'm alone when DC is in bed because he's swanned off somewhere?.

I do everything for DC and him. Rarely get a thank you, or acknowledgement from him. (I love doing things for with my DC and obviously do not begrudge for this. DC is my bloody world!)

He's ALWAYS on his phone texting or such but when I message, it's difficult to get a response back (only over the last few weeks). I can't get hold of his phone as he has always got it on him. Always. Even when he goes for a shower, he takes it in the bathroom. And the 20ish minutes he spends with DC, he's still on his phone.

Snappy and bad tempered very often towards me unless he thinks I'm going to have sex with him.

Tried to talk to him about something that had really upset me, and wanted his advice. And he walked out of the room, saying he needed to do something but just to shout to him whilst he was doing it.

I don't think he's having an affair but something doesn't feel right.

Before anyone asks, DC is DH's, we were ttc and he told me he wanted to be a father.

Not prepared for a flaming.

I'm with Sanity who cares if he's having an affair, at this point you need to decide what you want.
Work the hours you want to work, I would immediately increase my hours as financial independence is crucial for your self esteem and gives you power.

Secondly I would answer the first text when I was out with please stop I 'll be home when I am ready just as you are when you go to work/go out. And I would maintain a zero tolerance policy to any harassment both at home and by text/calling and I would tell him just that: I will not tolerate being harrassed.

If you can't do this then I think your relationship is not actually working for you and I would ask him to leave. The affair or non affair is irrelevant to the way he treats you, stop allowing him to mistreat you, you deserve better.

Yes, something is going on.
He's not treating you as an equal for one.
Why he wants you to cut your hours baffles me, it's not as if it's to spend any more time at home with him, is it?
I'm tending to agree with the projection of insecurities theory that other posters have said (my ex was exactly like this, glued to his phone, took it into the bathroom when having a shower, asking who I was with if I went out, didn't give a shit about my emotional welfare [this is what yours is doing with you by walking out the room when trying to talk to him] and picking fights for the slightest thing [typically money, as I earned more, not that I ever held it against him] which always turned out to be 'my fault' etc.). I wish I had my ex followed so that I knew what was going on sooner & didn't end up being ground down by him, questioning my self worth & wondering if it was all in my head (he told me it was , but he had an OW since before we bought our house together, as I found out much later).
Something isn't right & you spending more time at home than work isn't going to help matters.

For context, my DH has a password on his phone for security, but it's the same as mine. We can pick up each other's phones, we leave them lying around the house unguarded, same with other internet enabled devices.
We text each other maybe three times a day while at work, but if we get none, it's becasue they're really busy that day. Maybe a phonecall on the way home asking if we need stuff picking up from the shops etc. Then spend time together & with DSS in the evening & chatting over a meal together.

It is not normal to be so controlling. Is it a phone he needs for work? If not I'd be wondering what he's on it so constantly for?

Oh God, another thick cheater. Except he's not that thick: you're being provoked into calling him on his absences and secrecy, whereupon he'll turn round and call you a paranoid nag. That allows him to leave as you're the bad guy.

Throw him out thus: "It's obvious you have no real interest in this family, except as hotel and sex facilities. I'd like you to leave please." Don't ask for explanations, as he'll lie and you'll demean yourself by believing them.

Sorry to say but this behaviour is very dodgy , and you most definitely need to up your hours as you certainly don't want to be have less money if things do go wrong.
Be strong and don't let him make you feel bad or guilty for being suspicious, you have every reason & right to know what is going on ! Good luck

Whatever he is doing, he isn't being a good husband or father. Total waste of space.

I disagree with this tho:
He has a password... That's alarm bells op... Last time I had a dp with a password (out of the blue by the way that's the password!) my suspicions rose and of course head cheating!

You're an idiot to not have a password - if you loose it or it gets stolen a password at least helps prevent it being immediately used or the find phone feature disabled.

Both dh and I have passwords on our phones (and we know each other's). So do my friends. That's hardly the measure of someone cheating.

I have a password on my phone but OH knows it.

I had a pact with an ex (the same as yours) about cheating. He cheated.
Words don't stop you cheating I'm afraid!

I second the driving to the pub is a bit weird also. I don't know anyone who does that night after night (only once in a blue moon)

Just wondered if you had dropped your hours to 16 ? If he is planning an exit he may have worked out this would give you the maximum benefits and therefore allow him to give you less , or someone else might have suggested that to him , maybe one of his friends at the pub
If I were you i would ring the pub he goes to and ask to speak to him , see if he can grab some milk/bread/clapol etc on his way home , say you couldnt find your mobile .

Dropped hours from 16 to 8

Just had a major argument because I asked him why he doesn't want to be here.

He says he goes out and I'm not going to trap him here

Asking that sort of question shouldn't result in a argument

Oh poor you OP.
Will you be able to hold out until Thursday? If he's guarding the phone that closely, he's unlikely to leave without it.
I'd desperately need the loo while he's in the shower then call in to the shower 'oh what's your password? I just need to check an opening time of blah'

Do you have anyone local who could come and watch DC this evening so you can go and 'surprise' him at the pub he's supposedly at? Just say because you've had a tiff you'd thought he'd be pleased? That way you'll see a) if he's even there b) who he's with.

He's banking heavily on you being trapped at home wherever he is.

Long shot too but do you have a birthday or anniversary coming up that he could be planning a surprise for?

He says he goes out and I'm not going to trap him here

Oh crap. That's really not good. What I read into the 26 messages wasn't a control thing but more like double checking where you are so he's not caught out. I'm sorry, hopefully it's just baby stress.

You need to take back some control here.

He's out what, 5 nights a week? And you're not sure where he is, who he is with or why he is there? He doesn't appear to do very much to help at home, spends very little time with his kids and isn't making any effort with you. So he is not being a good dad or a good husband.

I would ask to see his phone and if he refuses I would ask him to leave. He thinks he is in charge and can walk all over you. Put your foot down.

Hes not at the pub, hes at the OWs house.

LTB.
Everything you have written screams affair.
He has already checked out.
You are the bad guy/enemy preventing him from being happy.
The faux fights over nothing are to give him that excuse to go out.

At 32 I suspect that the majority of his friends will also be married/have a DP/have children. No way would they all be in the pub every night (not drinking!)

Could you ask a friend/family member to follow him one night?

I would tell him he needs to stay in with the DC tonight as you are going to the pub. Or tell him you know what is going on and that he needs to leave.

And no way I would cut hours in work. He is trying to isolate you futher and make sure you are at home so he can fuck off out.

Like the way he has trapped you!

He is no catch, you are left at home while he struts around like the I am, well fuck him. Locate your dignity and get away from his controlling ass.

It's the sudden change in his behaviour that rings the alarm bells here, OP. It is exactly the behaviour that indicates an affair

Just reading all this again. My god, it's exactly the same behaviour as my H.

The walking out of the room when I was trying to talk to him, the bad temper towards me, the lack of interest in the DC, the phone with him even in the bathroom, the checking up on me, the telling me I wasn't going to stop him going out as I didn't own him. List goes on.

Once I followed him into the bathroom and saw he was naked and looking at his phone and clearly about to have a loser-ish wank. I walked off out of the room and he followed me about, telling me it was internet porn and it was normal. I couldn't understand why he was so insistent (that's what I had assumed it was so no need to be insistent and I didn't really care by that point) but it was obviously ow, or one of them, sending a naked photo. And he was worried I might guess.

One evening when at least one of his affairs was hot and heavy (unbeknownst to me) he went ballistic at me (in front of colleagues) because I wasn't at the pub he thought I'd be in and had gone to a different leaving do, and so he hadn't gotten to see me and now he had to go home to let the nanny leave (this was rare, it was almost always me). At the time I thought. 'Well, at least he cares.' Now I know it's likely he was pissed off that he had had a missed opportunity with the ow he had been shagging at work (who had been there).

But I agree with Sanity. He won't leave. Mine liked the big double salary, the five bed house, the 'made it' feeling, the 'nice family guy' image. But he also liked fucking around at pubs with people ten years younger than him night after night, having affairs with other women and telling people that worked for me I was controlling and had 'meltdowns.' I was everyone's boss so this was immensely damaging. It was the best of both worlds for him: all the trappings of family life and joint wealth, but he could run around pretending he was a young man with other women and making sure everyone knew I didn't 'own' him (even though I was apparently trying to).

He would not leave, even when I paid him to go.

So although I agree that whether he is having an affair or not is not the whole point as you need rid of him, I think it IS of huge importance to establish he is having an affair (and he certainly is). Because it's at that pants-down moment that he is vulnerable and you can make him go. If I hadn't found out about H's affair i'd probably still be stuck with him now. Yes that means he wouldn't be dead but I know we are all better off without him. He was a shit father and an even worse husband.

Sorry but I think affair too,, maybe emotional. I think he's being controlling and suspicious of you because he's tarring you with his brush... Even if it's not an affair though he clearly has not respect for you and maybe no love either. Sorry again. You deserve better!!

Sorry to read what you went through dilys4trevor.

Does he know you're unhappy with the current situation? If he does know, and continues to do nothing about it, then I think that is all the answer you need, regardless of what he's actually up to when he's out.

He's being a poor partner and a poor dad at the moment.

I had an 'agreement' with my ex, too, that we'd be totally faithful but if we fell out of love we'd be honest about it so we could both lead separate lives. Over the years I reiterated that the one thing I couldn't tolerate was lying about infidelity etc etc, and he always promised to be truthful. Did he keep his promise? No. He wanted to shag around but keep me firmly under control. So these 'agreements' mean zilch. Don't rely on yours.

This poor excuse for a human being needs a reality check. Ask a friend/ relative to come over and help you pack up his stuff, tell him you are releasing him from the prison sentence that he seems to think he is under. Also tell him not to bother coming back, and that the 'friend' he likes to spend all of his time with will just have to let him move in. I would let him know that despite his lies you know the truth, and that you are not stupid. I wouldn't treat a dog the way he treats you and your ds.

Prepare for world war three, narcissists like your husband do not like their behaviour being called out. But stand strong, if you have a male relative ask him to come and be in the background to help in case he turns abusive.