To feel undermined by MIL

[Shouldwebeworried]

Ok, this may well sound silly but just want some genuine perspective.

I am fairly particular about how I dress my DD (almost 3), as in I don't want her covered in pink and "girly" stuff all the time. I have no objection to some of this but hate the idea that she should always be in pink and butterflies (or whatever) just because she is a girl. I want her to like whatever she likes because she likes it, not because she "ought to" 'cause she's a girl.
MIL appears to be of the complete opposite opinion and despite the fact we never dress DD in a super girly way, continually buys those exact type of clothes for her. E.g today she has given DD a pair of velcro sandals which are pink and glittery "because all little girls love that stuff" !

Also a coat that is pink and a cardi, skirt and hoody that are super pink and frilly and girly she showed me that are for impending birthday.

I am grateful she buys DD stuff (I kmow prob not sounding so right now) and it's very generous however, I do feel that as we never dress DD like this and mine and DH's frequent comments that we don't like the over girly stuff or too much pink that MIL is being a little bit underminey? Like she knows best because she had 2 kids 30 yrs ago ffs. Am I just being over sensitive or would anyone else be peeved?

YABU and you sound a little bigoted.

You say you want your daughter to "like whatever she likes because she likes it". But what you obviously mean by this is you want her to like whatever you want her to like.

Did your grandparents, and parents for that matter, always by you clothes that you absolutely loved? Probably not. And this is exactly the same.

It sounds as if you aren't even looking at the clothes she's buying: you're seeing the pink and instantly taking a dislike to them, instead of actually paying attention to the clothes and realising that the coat might actually be nice, and the shoes may come in useful.

You haven't mentioned whether this is her first grandchild? First granddaughter? She just seems to be excited and is enjoying buying gifts for her DGD. Maybe she sees you buying her the neutral clothes and thinks it'd be more useful for her to buy things a little bit different. A perfectly normal thing to do.

The plethora of sparkly pink girly things in the shops also makes it easier for her to shop like this, and she probably actually likes the things she is buying. Do you expect her to never buy her DGD anything in case YOU don't approve?

Try and appreciate the help you're getting and don't let it get to you too much. In the grand scheme of things is this really big enough to get worked up over and create a Mumsnet thread about? Dress her in what you see fit, but the sky won't fall in if your daughter wears a pink coat that will keep her warm and dry.

I wonder if you would be making such a fuss if this was your own DM, or in fact, anyone other than your MIL? Or if you'd be complaining about something else your MIL was doing if you didn't have a problem with this.

You can't protect your DD from opinions you don't agree with all your life.

It's my understanding that all girls like pink girly stuff because culturally it's foisted on them by people like your MIL.

I expect the vast majority of people will disagree because their little darlings like pink without any peer pressure at all.

Oh I know it's definitely not worth an argument over and I made this thread because I was curious as to how other people would feel about the situation whilst trying to articulate it to myself.

My parents rarely bought us clothes as a child as we had very little money and lived on handmedowns though when they did buy something for birthdays etc they tried to get something I would like yes. And I very much wanted pretty dresses etc as most of the handmedowns came from male cousins.

DD is first grandchild on DH's side. There is DH and his sister so MIL had a girl baby too.

I feel conflicted because I don’t want to be ungrateful and hate being wasteful so wouldn't want the clothes to sit in the back of a cupboard. But then I would feel guilty of MIL found out I had exchanged/given to charity shop. Though I have done this before and don't think she knew.

Yet at the same time I feel it is quite rude of MIL to continually buy things that she knows aren't our style. Imo a gift should be aimed at being something the giftee would like and therefore with small children what the parent would like.

It just feels like a little dig every time.

I think calling me bigoted is a pretty harsh assesment but if that's how I'm coming across I guess I need to look at my attitude a bit.

When DD was about 2.5 she insisted on picking her out her own clothes to wear. It was generally an eclectic random mix of styles and colours.

By 4, she had graduated to refusing to wear trousers and the pinker and sparklier the better. By 8 she was refusing to wear skirts and now at 10 she actively moans that she doesn't like pink at all.

Why am I saying this? Because at the end of the day your DD will decide, regardless of what you and MILthink she should wear; her choice and her preferences will change over time and the best thing you can do is accept.

Thank you Liquid that's what I want to try and avoid. It's not that I don't like the "feminine " stuff in and of itself I just hate the presumption that that's what girls should be all about and the fact that shops are full of gender divided clothing (and toys).

My sister isn't a huge fan of pink. My eldest niece, as I have already said, is not particularly 'girly' and prefers to wear shorts, tights and DMs rather than skirts or dresses. Her favourite outfit doesn't feature anything pink, or frilly and she's been like this ever since she was tiny.

The little one is pretty much a baby Barbie and completely lights up whenever she sees something pink, flouncy and glittery. I bought her a tutu style skirt last month and she actually squealed when she saw it Sis and I have no idea where she gets it from.

But why should she buy her granddaughter stuff that's your style? Your style is no more your DD's than her grandmother's. Your DD is separate to you. It sounds like, with granny's input, that your DD has a wide range of stuff to wear, more so than if granny didn't buy these clothes.

You are being very judgemental, probably without realising it, and you're in danger of bringing up your DD to judge girls negatively because of their clothes. I also bet you'd be the kind of parent who'd think it fantastic if their DD liked wearing pink princess dresses.

DS liking princess dresses.

DD at age 3 or so went through a massively pink and sparkly phase. I am not at all a girly/feminine type (live in jeans and flat shoes, don't wear make up etc) but I went along with it. By age 5 she had turned against pink and was delighted to wear her big brother's hand-me-downs in khaki and black.

I suppose my point is that whether or not your MiL is trying to undermine your feelings, if you wait a while, you may find your DD will soon enough be telling MiL that pink is silly and yucky all by herself...

It's not so much the type of items tbh but the fact that it feels like she is saying she knows better than I/we do.

In fact she said to DH today, and I'm paraphrasing, that it was tough that he didn't like the pink shoes because all little girls like pink and sparkly and he would have to get used to it.

I totally get where you are coming from, I'm in the same boat. Quietly EBay the clothes and buy something you like

I'm not massive on pink but somehow we have a whole pink wash each week these days. Mix it up with other colours and it grates less

It's possible that your MIL is thinking "all little girls like pink; gd doesn't have any pink clothes, so I'll buy her some because she'll like them" rather than "this is a present for DIL who doesn't want pink clothes for her daughter but I'll buy them because I know best". i.e she's thinking about your dd rather than you (even if she's wrong about what dd likes).

My dd (14) dresses pretty much exclusively in black. Oh, for some pink.

I would just smile and nod. She sounds stuck in her ways - my own M is not dissimilar and I know it drives my sister up the wall. After many years of grinding her teeth to dust my sis just does the smile and nod routine, and goes her own way.

If it's just a couple of pink clothes then mix it up and tone it down with the rest of her clothes. I would be massively delighted faint with surprise if DS's Grandma gave him anything.

River I feel a bit taken aback by your posts which probably means they are hitting a nerve as you may be right on some points.
If I had a DS I would be happy for him to wear a princess dress if he wanted to, I wouldn't relish it because I would worry he would get bullied for it as there seems such a spearation of "girl" and "boy" stuff at the moment.

I would like kids to be able to chose what they like without fear of ridicule.

As I've said before, if DD like pink and frilly because she likes it fine but there seems to be a lot of societal pressures telling her she should like that stuff.

DD loved the coat and shoes amd I'm sure she'll love the other items MIL has bought her. They're not what I would have picked but I have to deal with that and it does give her more choice.
I'm just in a bit of a grump today and felt "got at" but that's my problem.

jellybabies - that was me at 14! I was literally black and pink and no other colours for a while.

My Mil liked my DD in what I can only describe as 50's classics, peter pan collared blouses with matching cardy and a pleated skirt, we were given many variations of this and Mil was always told by DD that the clothes were old fashioned.
I always allowed my DD to choose what she wore and Mil gave up with clothes giving altogether when she had a "black" period when she was 7/8. I always accepted them graciously, but explained that I didnt choose what DD wore, Mil disapproved as if she had her way she would still choose what DH wore, and thought that allowing DD to choose was unacceptable, Smile and wave

What does your daughter think? Have you asked her if she likes it, what she wants? Or is it only about your wants.

You sound rather resentful towards your mil

pink and glittery "because all little girls love that stuff" !

I really can't stand that attitude. Little children, boys and girls, don't get into the pink/blue until someone decides to implant into their minds that being a real girl is to wear pink and glittery. Ditto with boys only wearing "strong, masculine" colours.

Most children usually like/dislike clothing on the basis of what it feels like to wear.

Sounds like your MIL is treating your DD as a doll.

Imo it is helpful to get used to the idea at an early stage that your child is not an extension of you: not only is she very soon going to develop her own tastes (which you need to respect within reason) and what kind of person she wants to be: she also needs to develop her completely unique relationship with her grandmother.

I really don't think it helps if you insist that she is not allowed to have any things (whether toys, clothes or books) that you as parents wouldn't have chosen for you (unless they are things you object to on moral or health grounds).

How is she supposed to develop her own tastes if you keep insisting that kids should choose what they like otoh, yet otoh get disgruntled every time somebody buys her something you don't like? If you don't get a grip on this, there is a chance she will grow up thinking she has to second-guess you all the time.

Sorry, I shouldn't have said bigoted. I don't think it's a totally appropriate word here.

I can understand a bit that you feel like you're talking to a wall ( your MIL). I think we've all felt like what we're saying is falling on deaf ears some time or another, but this time it's just getting to you more because it's to do with DD.

From what I've read, it doesn't sound like she is doing this maliciously, so I would just accept the clothes with a thank you and put them away, obviously let her wear some of them if she wants.

I don't think anyone is in the wrong here. I don't think it would hurt for you to have a more open mind, and of course, as long as you continue to buy her clothes, she will always have the choice between neutral and pink. It's a touch unreasonable to think she should have to bear in mind pleasing you when she buys for her DGD.

However, if she never, ever buys anything remotely neutral and everything is the garish stereotype, it could be said that it's a little rude of her. Maybe not completely intentional but she may, of course, slightly resent not seeing her DGD dressed in pink all the time, in which case she is BU but probably realises that.

If its escalates then of course you could always mention it, but I don't think it should be blown up like that right now. It's just grandparents and their grandchildren, too many cooks and all that.

She's trying, and she could be a lot worse. I think it's important to remember that.

Sorry if I seemed harsh

My MIL dos this continually - very active child - loved comfort over being dolled up in dresses shed tread on or couldn't climb in - she wanted to be able to play - that meant leggings tshirt and trainers.

She looked awful in pink - she often wore blue - had a fab (boys) blue coat and MIL would comment she would be mistaken for a boy! (Good lord!)

So for any of you who saw my DD in a blue coat and thought she was a boy - I apologise now for the misunderstanding

I disagree with most posters actually..I think when buying clothes , it's nicer to get things that the parents are likely to like and need.
I have a grandson..I always check what they have first, what sort of thing they might like etc. I take it on the chin if they want to exchange something..fair enough really!
Occasionally I get carried away but would never buy things not likely to be in their taste..he's their child, not mine!

MIL would ask - one birthday I asked for a dressing gown she'd seen - navy but with stars -

She got pink glitter -

Why?

I exchanged it - she got the jump but DD was a happy 8 year old -