To feel undermined by MIL

[Shouldwebeworried]

Ok, this may well sound silly but just want some genuine perspective.
I am fairly particular about how I dress my DD (almost 3), as in I don't want her covered in pink and "girly" stuff all the time. I have no objection to some of this but hate the idea that she should always be in pink and butterflies (or whatever) just because she is a girl. I want her to like whatever she likes because she likes it, not because she "ought to" 'cause she's a girl.
MIL appears to be of the complete opposite opinion and despite the fact we never dress DD in a super girly way, continually buys those exact type of clothes for her. E.g today she has given DD a pair of velcro sandals which are pink and glittery "because all little girls love that stuff" !
Also a coat that is pink and a cardi, skirt and hoody that are super pink and frilly and girly she showed me that are for impending birthday.
I am grateful she buys DD stuff (I kmow prob not sounding so right now) and it's very generous however, I do feel that as we never dress DD like this and mine and DH's frequent comments that we don't like the over girly stuff or too much pink that MIL is being a little bit underminey? Like she knows best because she had 2 kids 30 yrs ago ffs. Am I just being over sensitive or would anyone else be peeved?

[Headofthehive55]

I'm interested to know why salmon pink and fuschia are deemed the same colour. They aren't.

I think it also depends on your skin tone and hair colour which colours suit you. Sadly there is not a lot of pastel pink around for teenagers - a colour that my DD looks fab in - darks do nothing for her, neither do brights either.

[Cornishclio]

I usually run clothes past my DD first before buying for my GD but at some point I think I would also be guided by what my GD likes to wear. I don't tend to buy really pink, frilly clothes as I think they are impractical when babies are small and getting mobile but tend to go for different colours and leggings/tops as well.

What does your DD say about the pink glittery shoes? She is 3 so presumably starting to show what she likes and dislikes. So long as she is wearing a variety of clothes I don't see what the problem is. If you really dislike them you could send your DD out to play in the garden in them and they will soon get ruined ;)

[Onlyicanclean10]

Sorry didn't mean that to be patronising as we all angst sometime as parents.

[Onlyicanclean10]

Exactly so. It's how you treat your girls and boys that matter not some society expectation of behViour and Certainly not clothes or toys.

Relax,let them choose toys/clothes/activities and support them in their choices.

Stop reading the parenting books, don't angst and enjoy them.

[Janecc]

cody I get it now and some of the answers were already there up thread - hence my interpretation. In a word - marketing. Santa wore green until Coke rebranded him and gender identification by colour only happened a hundred years ago and before that boys wore pink and dresses. Im not getting het up about it though. Dh has a lovely pink shirt.

[coldcanary]

Should does your DH/DP have any sisters? I only ask because MIL went through a stage like this and I'm convinced it's because she had 4 boys and no girls (she's implied as much herself) and has been very open about loving 'little girls things'!
I'd go shopping with her and do a bit of pointing out of all the lovely bright colours available for girls that's aren't pink It took a while but mil got there eventually and now goes for all colours.

[CodyKing]

*wounldnt wear pink now

[CodyKing]

No my questions are quite simple -

Little girls do generally grow out of pink - clothes bedrooms etc

I have two girls

They see pink as young little girls stuff and they want to grow up - leave pink behind.

So why? Why do they now have the opinion of pink? They don't grow out of any other colour.

Mine weren't princesses - and still would wear pink now. Especially the teen.

[Janecc]

Oh and she chose her bedroom colours when she was 3. That's more than half a life away.

[Janecc]

Cody read my posts above. She wore whatever she wanted. She wore one dress for three fucking months solid and not only did I have to organise and constantly wash it but had to see her in it almost every day, of course I got to hate it. I loved it when I first bought it for her. Sorry your questions are sounding very bizarre and goady.

[CodyKing]

By 3 both dds were choosing and wearing their desired clothes and simply refused to wear what they didn't like.

And this - they have to have a selection to make that choice no?

[CodyKing]

DD also 7 says she hates pink, hates her pink bedroom.

Why though?

What's changed?

Were they allowed /not allowed pink?

Why the hate?

[Janecc]

Onlyican say it like it is and definitely what I was thinking. The invasion of the stepford children.

[Janecc]

tobysmum my DD also 7 says she hates pink, hates her pink bedroom. Everything is a phase and she's way past the princess dress, frilly pink skirt phase. In society today, the fear seems pervasive that if we do something wrong, our girls will grow up believing themselves to be less than equal to males. Talking to our children, giving them self esteem, treating them as future adults is the answer and no one would tell an adult what to wear unless they were very controlling themselves. My rule with DD when she was old enough to get it was she could wear whatever she wanted as long as it was practical for the event. I have genuinely hated some of her clothes, in particular a dress, which she wore almost constantly for 3 months when she was 5. I gritted my teeth and washed it overnight ready for the next day.

[Onlyicanclean10]

Fuck me! Who has these girls who allow you to choose their clothes?

By 3 both dds were choosing and wearing their desired clothes and simply refused to wear what they didn't like. Of course we insisted it was weather appropriate but apart from that we let them get on.

Seriously clothes arnt worth the angst and certainly not worth alienating your mil! Let your ds pick what she likes and move on.

My teen dds wear all types of clothes love makeup and play rugby. Clothes don't matter.

[tobysmum77]

But your girls now HATE it .... Why do they hate it? What's changed?

One word Dragons. The two dont go together

[InionEile]

DD is 18 months by the way so I still choose her clothes. Once she's old enough she will pick out her own stuff I assume. If she turns into a pink-crazed princessy girl I will be surprised because I was never like that myself but I don't plan to make a big deal out of it either way. They all go through phases.

[InionEile]

My MIL does this. Every scrap of clothes she has ever bought for DD has been pink, right down to vests and pajamas. 'All little girls love pink' she says. I do think she does it to wind me up a bit as I've been vocal in the past about feeling very when I see little girls clad head to toe in pink, frilly stuff.

It doesn't bother me though. I just put the pink stuff on DD now and again and mix it up with other colours. She has barely any pink clothes apart from what MIL gets her so it doesn't have a big impact.

[CodyKing]

FWIW my 7 year old is now a pink and princess hater and my 4 year old is starting to go the same way. I don't get the angst around it personally.


But your girls now HATE it .... Why do they hate it? What's changed?

[Janecc]

And had I given birth to a boy, he would have been allowed to wear princess dresses if he had so desired. Dds little boy friends had pushchairs and dollies. Again, it's all about exploration.

[Janecc]

At 18 months DD decided she would only wear pink a lot of the time and so she went out in swathes of unmatching pink. She chose what she would and wouldnt wear from a very young age - her first real word was "shoe". Her little girl tastes were frilly and pink and sparkly and glitter laden. She played with tractors and diggers and dolls.
Now she is almost 8, she loves dolls and skipping, plays rugby, goes to judo and ballet/tap. When I told her the other day that some parents don't allow their girls to play football, she was flabbergasted.
From an outsider looking in, any parent or grandparent, who is trying to control what their child wears or is allowed to do or play with is artificially controlling their desires. Op I'm glad you've thought about what other posters have said about letting your DD wear these items. The same cannot be said about some of the posters, who are as a result are doing exactly the same as your mil just in reverse. It is easy to talk to your DD and tell her that it's ok she can do/play/wear anything she likes. This will help shape her identity far better than any artificial controls.

[tobysmum77]

gaining praise from grandma for looking girly, and behaving girly.

So in which case grandma is the problem not a bit of glitter.

[tobysmum77]

Hahaha you have a different breed of girl to mine. By nearly 3 they wore what they wanted pink glittery shit life's too short for battles over clothes so yabu.

FWIW my 7 year old is now a pink and princess hater and my 4 year old is starting to go the same way. I don't get the angst around it personally.

[Headofthehive55]

And that would be equally wrong as being praised for not looking girly.

[WhereYouLeftIt]

I'm guessing I'm going to get howled down as an extremist for this post, but hey-ho.

Gender stereotyping is a bit on my mind at the moment, having been on another, very different from this thread, thread earlier today - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/2628744-Skirt-day-marked-her-transition-to-life-as-a-girl?msgid=60842278

Pink glittery butterfly and fairy-laden clothing shouldn't be a problem, but increasingly I think it is, because of the societal baggage it carries. It is completely aimed at girls, stereotyping them and insidiously telling them what they should be, gaining praise from grandma for looking girly, and behaving girly. I didn't used to think this would be a long-term issue, but now - I'm not so sure.

While the little girl conforms to stereotype she will be diddled into fitting herself into the traditional female role - you know, doing all the housework while being paid less for her full-time job than her male colleagues. Bed enough, but not the worst outcome.

What is she stops conforming? Because damned few of fully conform to the stereotype. It's a myth, a construct, a marketing ploy. What if, as she gets older, she gets interested in dinosaurs or cars or football or (gulp) mathematics? What if grandma is less than flattering about her becoming 'less girly'? The stereotypes are pushed so very strongly these days (because hey, clothes to sell!), so assumed to be the only way to be, these polar opposite stereotypes of girl and boy, that there is a presumption almost that if a child does not fully conform to one of the stereotypes then maybe there's something wrong with the child, something that needs fixed. (The truth of course is that the rigid stereotypes are wrong but somehow there's not so much questioning going on there.) What if, worst case scenario, the child starts to feel she is 'wrong' somehow?

I think we should be more aware of the environment we create for our children to grow in. Be aware that if they are given approval for certain behaviours (e.g. choosing to wear pink) then we reinforce that behaviour. But that at some point grandma's approval is not enough to override personal preferences, and whilst I would hope that would just mean they'd choose to wear whatever colour they preferred, it could mean they question what is wrong with them that they don't want to wear pink .

Sorry if my thoughts on the matter are a little incoherent, I'm still pondering it all.