To feel undermined by MIL

[Shouldwebeworried]

Ok, this may well sound silly but just want some genuine perspective.
I am fairly particular about how I dress my DD (almost 3), as in I don't want her covered in pink and "girly" stuff all the time. I have no objection to some of this but hate the idea that she should always be in pink and butterflies (or whatever) just because she is a girl. I want her to like whatever she likes because she likes it, not because she "ought to" 'cause she's a girl.
MIL appears to be of the complete opposite opinion and despite the fact we never dress DD in a super girly way, continually buys those exact type of clothes for her. E.g today she has given DD a pair of velcro sandals which are pink and glittery "because all little girls love that stuff" !
Also a coat that is pink and a cardi, skirt and hoody that are super pink and frilly and girly she showed me that are for impending birthday.
I am grateful she buys DD stuff (I kmow prob not sounding so right now) and it's very generous however, I do feel that as we never dress DD like this and mine and DH's frequent comments that we don't like the over girly stuff or too much pink that MIL is being a little bit underminey? Like she knows best because she had 2 kids 30 yrs ago ffs. Am I just being over sensitive or would anyone else be peeved?

[corythatwas]

Himalayanrock, isn't he his own person? At least once he is past the baby stage.

[Shouldwebeworried]

Derek it's not that I think pink is terrible, I like pink, I just hate how it seems to have been hijacked into "only girls wear pink and must wear pink". I wish shops would stop overly genderising clothes - why can't I find a "girls" t-shirt with dinosaurs or sharks on or a boys one that is pink or has butterflies on. It is ridiculous (and conditioning) to say that one gender only likes one or the other and damaging to both I think. You end up with a situation where if a boy likes pink or wants to play with dolls or whatever traditionally considered feminine thing that they get ridiculed cause "eeeeww that's a girls thing" .

I'm pretty sure MIL knows how I feel about some of the stuff she buys as I always say thank you but don't enthuse about it. On the rare occasion she has bought something non super girly it's probably been quite obvious I like it more.
But those posters who have said I just need to accept it. You are right and it does give DD more of a range than I would probably give her. She does quite like the stuff I don't and of course I will allow her to wear it. Ive said to her with a couple of things that it's not my favourite but if she likes it, that's what matters.

I do like MIL and she is very nice and helpful and definitely wouldn't want there to be an issue between us. I think I probably just find it difficult as she is involved on a parenting level that my parents never would be. As in they would always check with me first whereas MIL just does what she wants, like starting to potty train DD whilst DH and I were away on holiday. (Can't really complain as she did look after DD for almost week while we were away, I was however a bit )

[DownUnderBound]

Kinda sound like you say you want her to choose her own style etc and....but as long as its not pink/glitter! Maybe she likes that sometimes also? Sounds a bit like a contradiction?

[CodyKing]

I think it's very much a princess colour - I'm raising woman not princesses -

I wouldn't dress in glitter frills or butterflies - I don't want my girls to do so either -

I want them complimented on there brains - their achievements - not how pretty they look -

I want them to value themselves above how others value them for their beauty.

It's not something I have every brought - and anything sent this way had been donated.

It's not the pink as such - it's the girly princess association.

[corythatwas]

Can only speak from experience but for dd I think it has been valuable to realise that the girlie princess association does not have to define how she thinks of herself as she grows up. I have always been one for dressing more or less like a man- because that makes me feel comfortable. But have been interested to see as dd grew up that she dresses in a very feminine way (if no longer pink)- and is still as little of a traditional princess as you can well imagine. Contrary to what I may have thought it wasn't the dress that defined us. It was how we thought of ourselves. And for dd that has grown out of being able to make her own choices, rather than being to choose between my style or traditional Disney princess style.

[momtothree]

I remember my son wearing his sisters pink dress to collect DD from school - all the moms laughed at him - he wasn't told he was cute or pretty - he was told he's a boy. and shouldn't wear dresses

[Only1scoop]

'Dd will probably love the item mil has bought her'

There's your answer then.

De crunch

[Whosthemummy16]

Is it really so terrible if your child wants to grow up looking like someone from towie?!
Pretty sure there are worse things like growing up to be a criminal.
Towie style doesnt equate bimbo, yet this stereo type is acceptable.
Why is a woman dressing as a man okay but God forbid someone wants to wear false eyelashes.
Let children be children, I think they should be free to choose once they are old enough, and I don't think we should judge others based on their style preferences.

[Mishmashpotatoes]

Your DD should be capable of deciding what clothes she likes and dislikes.

It annoys me that my DD constantly feels the need to wear something Avengers related, but it makes her happy.

[RiverTam]

FFS. If a little boy wants to wear a pink dress it's fine. If a little girl wants to wear a pink dress it's fine. Like with everything else, as long as there's a good balance what does it matter? FWIW, DD is at a non-uniform school and the children wear whatever, it's not all the girls in pink and all the boys in blue, it's a mish-mash. In Reception DD, like many of the girls, only wanted to wear skirts and dresses. I made sure she had ones with a flared skirt so she could still climb and run etc (she's a real climber). This year she's gradually, and completely of her own accord, moving away from skirts and dresses so she's wearing them maybe 50% of the time, otherwise she's in leggings or shorts. Colours are everything under the sun.

Complete rejection of gender stereotypes is not necessarily any better than complete acceptance, they are both very rigid, and these things aren't rigid. Imparting knowledge and then allowing children to make their own choices is surely the way forward?

[liquidrevolution]

This sums up my feelings about pink perfectly.

[LizzieMacQueen]

We had this a bit when DD was born, DH is one of 3 boys so the PIL would buy the pinkest pink babysuits with frills, bows, etc.

We got them onside by pointing out how wasteful of money it was (and they were known for penny pinching) to buy clothes that couldn't be passed down if we went on to have a boy!

[JillyBoel]

Although it may not be the issue here, for me it's just lazy and impersonal to give a gift based on the fact that she's a girl (as if all girls have exactly the same personalities and preferences), rather than based on what your DD actually likes.
I suspect most adults would be a bit put out if their family bought them "stuff that women like" rather than putting a few moments thought into a gift.

[littlejeopardy]

I have been thinking a lot about this now that I have a daughter. I want to praise her for being kind, brave and hardworking as she grows up rather than her looks.
But I can't help but marvel at her beauty everyday. She is this gorgeous little baby and I love every inch of her.
My DM told me frequently that I was pretty as a girl, and she also would tell me that my friends and her friends were pretty too, all for different reasons and she taught me to see their character strengths too.
My point is that I grew up secure in my body, I never felt like I had to chase after beauty because people are beautiful. I want that security for my DD so that she can spend her efforts chasing other goals.
Also as children we did play princesses, but we had swords, magic powers, dragon side-kick and kingdoms to defend against the bad guys!

[Whathaveilost]

Yet at the same time I feel it is quite rude of MIL to continually buy things that she knows aren't our style
She hasn't bought them for you or DH nut for your daughter!
I don't see the problem. Your daughter is getting a variety of styles with you getting her the gender neutral ones you like and MIL buying her more frivioulous colours. I think it's a good balance.

[BertrandRussell]

"Yet at the same time I feel it is quite rude of MIL to continually buy things that she knows aren't our style"

Damn sight ruder to dictate what other people can buy you as presents!

[chillthefXXkout]

She may or may not be undermining, I would just take all items you don't want to dress DD in to the charity shop and let someone else get use of them. If MIL asks why she isn't wearing the clothes, then just explain that they aren't your taste. A good piece of advice I received about this kind of thing was that other people only have as much power as you give them.

[BertrandRussell]

" If MIL asks why she isn't wearing the clothes, then just explain that they aren't your taste"
Yeah- because that wouldn't be rude at all!

[MLGs]

I would let DD choose whether to wear them or not.

[RiverTam]

Power? For heaven's sake. Unless the OP's MIL has bought her DGD some kind of stripperesque garment what exactly is the harm of sticking it in the wardrobe and letting her wear it as and when she wants? When the DD wants, as it's her clothing.

[SaucyJack]

Meh.

What's wrong with being girly anyway?

Why must a child be wearing a snot green top with a picture of farm machinery on it to be taken seriously as a worthwhile individual?

Fuck dat shit.

[Gottagetmoving]

Some Grandmothers like to buy pink girly stuff for their granddaughters. So what?
You don't like the stuff,..your little girl may love it.
I hate pink girly stuff and never bought it for my daughter when she was little and now she is grown up she often mentions how she never got anything girly or pink!

It MAY be about her and her granddaughter and nothing to do with you. I think you are jumping to the conclusion she is trying to undermine you when she is probably just fulfilling her own dream of seeing her granddaughter in pink feminine stuff.

[Gottagetmoving]

It's not so much the type of items tbh but the fact that it feels like she is saying she knows better than I/we do

Sounds like she does know better then you do..and you don't like it?

[Whatthefreakinwhatnow]

I genuinely don't understand all the angst on mumsnet about girls in sodding pink clothes!

At 3 your DD is old enough to choose her own clothes, if she wants to wear pink let her ffs!

What are you worried about? That of she wears "girlie" clothes she'll grow up a simpleton with no career prospects?! That she won't be taken seriously in her chosen profession?! They are just clothes!!!!!

What re you going to do if she wants to play with "girlie" toys such as barbies and baby dolls?! Will that be ok or will those be going back to the shop too?!