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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry I've turned into the attachment mum horror

388 replies

ASAS · 01/05/2016 17:59

So, as a seasoned MNer I'm asking you lovely lot to judge me as tbh I know I'll get the truth.

My DS. Darling Son. Without droning on we attachment parent because honestly I just assumed that's what everyone was doing, comfort him when he cries, let him explore, respond to his cues etc etc. I just thought that's how we (all parents) did it. I kind of still do as I genuinely rarely see a shouty mum, we're all quite new age and chilled aren't we?! Anyway, that was background to let you know I don't see my parenting as that unusual.

My son is now 4 and wonderful. Me, however, not so wonderful after the following happened. Please hand me grip if you feel it's needed...

In church this morning a woman in front of me, who I didn't recognise, turned to me and said, "Have some respect. Sit your child on your knee." For context we'd moved pews next to a toddler he loves to play with. My son and the toddler were not making any noise but were walking (within arms reach). I was so ashamed that I picked up my son, and spent the rest of the service on steps outside.

I love church. It might as well be a spa day for how good it is for me, and everyone is always so lovely to my son. Afterwards the toddlers mum came and found me in the playroom and was a bit lost too but it was me not her the woman spoke to.

Yes, he's wild and I'm crunchy. But he's also so lovely that he asked if he could take the box of donuts he earned as a reward to church this morning to share with everyone, unprompted. He's not naughty, just 4. But is that me being a defensive attachment parent with a pfb?

So go on. Have I done this totally wrong?

OP posts:
squiggleirl · 01/05/2016 22:23

Oh dear God. This is just too much weird.

Here's a hint. If you describe your 4 year old as 'wild' that's not usually compatible with group worship......

And crunchy? I give up....

EssexMummy1234 · 01/05/2016 22:25

So, I've skimmed - but is the gist? your kid is disruptive in church and annoying everyone - however you think it's cute and brought doughnuts to celebrate - however even with doughnut sharing love someone told you to tell your kid to pipe down and you think they are being unreasonable.

Now your problem is that you went with the tesco mini-doughnuts, had you splashed out on the krispy kreme it might have gone a whole lot better.

It is uber hard for kids in church.

PunkrockerGirl · 01/05/2016 22:27

I wear jeans to church. I know that's not everyone's cup of tea.
Gosh you're really out there aren't you op Grin
What with your attachment parenting your 4 year old and everything.
You probably did spoil the service for the lady but that's fine as long as ds is happy Confused Good luck with the attachment parent bollocksstuff when he starts school.

Lalaloopsyscaresme · 01/05/2016 22:27

So basically you set no boundaries with your child and you let him be wild and expect everyone to just go along with it even in church?

Control your child and stop labelling yourself in such a ridiculous way.

maisiejones · 01/05/2016 22:29

Well sorry but I've had many Sunday morning services disturbed by a particular child who brings a noisy toy and bangs it repeatedly on the pew whilst shouting. The parents make absolutely no attempt to teach him that church is a place in which you sit quietly. The poor Rector has to almost bellow his sermon in order to be heard but the parents are oblivious. And before anyone jumps on me, the child is not SN. Not everywhere is a playground!

greathat · 01/05/2016 22:30

and that's why people don't take their kids to church. A 4 year old maybe, but you can't really expect a toddler to sit still and quiet for long enough

squiggleirl · 01/05/2016 22:36

A 4 year old maybe, but you can't really expect a toddler to sit still and quiet for long enough

I disagree. Plenty toddlers go to mass, and behave. Generally, it's because they're expected to. There's plenty of religious colouring books and story books out there, that kids can have at mass. And if worst comes to worst, then you just take them out to calm down a little, but on the whole, toddlers are well able to behave at mass.

BillSykesDog · 01/05/2016 22:37

Now your problem is that you went with the tesco mini-doughnuts, had you splashed out on the krispy kreme it might have gone a whole lot better

I'm reimagining the feeding of the 5,000. Jesus turns a bag of Tesco mini donuts into a mountain of Krispy Kremes. Now that would be a messiah.

Jemappelle · 01/05/2016 22:37

Op this is nothing to do with attachment parenting.

There is a difference between responding to your child's cues (for example breastfeeding on demand) and not introducing them to social boundaries in age appropriate fashions (example letting them believe it truly is okay to paint on a neighbours new carpet because they want to).

If you read attachment parenting theory it does not translate into "he walks I let him walk" at that level of simplicity.

You don't show your child about how in certain places others needs need respecting - okay. A church is where many people seek solace or comfort, hence its quite okay to show your attachment parented child that being still and in one place is a good idea. It will help him in later life too. You don't do this - so someone reminded you to.

This has nothing to do with attachment parenting. By making AP such a central thing in your post you've actually presented AP in a bizarre light and revealed somewhat strange ideas about AP yourself.

This entire anecdote could have been written without any reference to AP.

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 01/05/2016 22:38

Until reading this thread I thought crunchy meant something to do with biscuits, or maybe autumn leaves underfoot.

You learn something new every day.

EssexMummy1234 · 01/05/2016 22:38

"but on the whole, toddlers are well able to behave at mass."

i call them other peoples toddlers

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 01/05/2016 22:38

toddlers are able to sit through mass without running about.
They might have a few cuddles and maybe a book and shuffle about a bit in their seats, but they can stay in their seats.

If they were unable to, nobody could safely take a toddler on a bus, or to a restraunt with people walking about with hot drinks, or any of the many other places where toddlers can go but can't run about

seahorse106 · 01/05/2016 22:40

The lovely church I go to doesn't mind children running around a making noise, there is a toy corner and big boxes of lego on all the tables and colouring stuff.
Although we don't meet in a church, we meet in the function room of a pub! It's lovely and very laid back and they involve the children in everything.

honkinghaddock · 01/05/2016 22:42

My child wouldn't be able to be still and quiet so I wouldn't risk taking him to church. I can do without the pulled faces.

Lovelydiscusfish · 01/05/2016 22:48

Oh,OP, so sorry you've had some difficult replies.
If church isn't a place we can take our children, that they will grow on and love, then what hope is there for the church in the future? Who on earth is going to look back fondly on the time when they were told off by strange elders, and had to behave and sit oddly stilly?
My daughter loves church. She knows and understands the relevant (to children) gospel stories well, at 4. She runs around our church like it is her front room. She's chosen to have all (2) of her birthday parties there, which have been fab - loads of kids running around the church. After all, Jesus loves kids. I work hard for our church, do lots of children's work. The best bit is always seeing the children running wildly, playing well, feeling happy, within church.
Those who want to stop small children enjoying church - at the end of the day, who do you think will come to church in the future, if for our children if is made to be a hateful chore, and an exercise in dull obedience?

DailyMailDick · 01/05/2016 22:53

Oh,OP, so sorry you've had some difficult replies

I wouldn't say 'difficult' replies more like spirited replies. Wink

lightgreenglass · 01/05/2016 22:54

Surely a church is supposed to welcoming and all that jazz. Agree with lovely, I'm not religious but this attitude from certain church-goers is really off-putting that I wouldn't entertain the idea of going if I felt I was going to be judged for having a toddler.

It's fuck all to do with AP though. AP does my head anyway.

TealLove · 01/05/2016 22:59

Poor OP

whois · 01/05/2016 23:00

Nothing to do with AP. You don't play in the pews at church. You sit quietly - doing something quiet like reading if you're too young to sit quietly and listen to the sermon.

coffeeisnectar · 01/05/2016 23:00

AP is not about letting your dc run wild while you look fondly on.

I had to change the day of my dds swim class because of a group of unruly 3 & 4 year olds rampaging through the cafe and viewing area, crashing into chairs and generally making a racket. The parents sat chatting completely ignoring the little horrors. It was awful. I expect they think their dc are just adorable too.

SpringHasNearlySprung · 01/05/2016 23:02

She runs around our church like it is her front room. She's chosen to have all (2) of her birthday parties there, which have been fab - loads of kids running around the church. After all, Jesus loves kids.I work hard for our church, do lots of children's work. The best bit is always seeing the children running wildly, playing well, feeling happy, within church

Ok. Hmm and what about about the adults who want a peaceful service? Jesu,s may have loved kids but that doesn't mean they run riot in church. Your church sounds bloody awful if children run riot during a service.

MissusBea · 01/05/2016 23:03

You use a lot of labels OP and sound very self conscious in putting yourself into these categories to analyse a very everyday event with a pre-schooler. From your post, it seems that you basically wanted / want your son to have more freedom in church than some of the congregation (or one in particular) seem happy with. Let's face it, for those of us with toddlers and pre-schoolers this sort of thing happens quite a lot (someone somewhere gives a look / glare / comment when our DCs get too noisy / boisterous in church / a restaurant etc). As a parent we just need to trust our instincts, apologise where needed and shrug it off. I think you are mainly talking about your style of 'positive discipline' though - using the term attachment parenting and the 'crunchy' hippie labels has confuses a very simple issue here. Yes if your son is disrupting a space where others need peace, apologise, smile and move away.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 01/05/2016 23:03

Oh I'm only a "crunchy newbie" according to the test, although I didn't know what half the terms meant.Blush

I try to do all that Whole Foods stuff but it seems like there's a Mcdonald on every corner where I live, so not really my fault.

dillydotty · 01/05/2016 23:05

Does your church have a family service? When I was a kid the first Sunday in the month was family service, the whole service was themed around the kids. The rest of the month it was either communion or morning prayer with the kids going to Sunday school.

Kids should always be welcome at church but it is only good manners to respect other people's wish for reflective worship. As a mum you are probably fairly immune to the noise and disruption of little ones, other people might find it a difficult distraction.

I used to pack up quiet activities for the kids to do sitting down in the pew with a promise of a visit to the sweet shop after if they behaved.

If they still misbehaved the death stare normally worked. Only a few occasions I had to take them outside.

whois · 01/05/2016 23:06

She's chosen to have all (2) of her birthday parties there

Ah ha ha. Your daughter is 2. She couldn't exactly 'choose' many places could she!

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