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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry I've turned into the attachment mum horror

388 replies

ASAS · 01/05/2016 17:59

So, as a seasoned MNer I'm asking you lovely lot to judge me as tbh I know I'll get the truth.

My DS. Darling Son. Without droning on we attachment parent because honestly I just assumed that's what everyone was doing, comfort him when he cries, let him explore, respond to his cues etc etc. I just thought that's how we (all parents) did it. I kind of still do as I genuinely rarely see a shouty mum, we're all quite new age and chilled aren't we?! Anyway, that was background to let you know I don't see my parenting as that unusual.

My son is now 4 and wonderful. Me, however, not so wonderful after the following happened. Please hand me grip if you feel it's needed...

In church this morning a woman in front of me, who I didn't recognise, turned to me and said, "Have some respect. Sit your child on your knee." For context we'd moved pews next to a toddler he loves to play with. My son and the toddler were not making any noise but were walking (within arms reach). I was so ashamed that I picked up my son, and spent the rest of the service on steps outside.

I love church. It might as well be a spa day for how good it is for me, and everyone is always so lovely to my son. Afterwards the toddlers mum came and found me in the playroom and was a bit lost too but it was me not her the woman spoke to.

Yes, he's wild and I'm crunchy. But he's also so lovely that he asked if he could take the box of donuts he earned as a reward to church this morning to share with everyone, unprompted. He's not naughty, just 4. But is that me being a defensive attachment parent with a pfb?

So go on. Have I done this totally wrong?

OP posts:

DMjournosrscum · 01/05/2016 20:24

In two minds here. The woman certainly should have been a lot kinder and forgiving of the actions of a 4 year old. However the reason I sit with my nearly 4 year old at the back of the church on a little craft table is I think you need to have a bit of consideration for the wider congregation too. My son when he was younger did circle the font and make breaks for the alter and everyone was very understanding. But at 4 I expect him to sit still (if not in silence) now. He is off to school in sept and this will be expected then.

dailymailphequers · 01/05/2016 20:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ASAS · 01/05/2016 20:28

Teaches him not to fancy donuts that often

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 01/05/2016 20:29

Thing is not everybody is going to think your, child is a delight and we need to realise that our parenting however we do it somebody is going to tut and the op found that out today she can't crumble and be offendrd and act wounded

villainousbroodmare · 01/05/2016 20:30

I was at Mass in the township of Soweto recently.
The church was full and it was very hot. About 20% of the congregation were under 5. None were disruptive. All of them sat or were held in arms. There were a few in the lobby where I was, and even there and in the crying room, they were quiet. Next thing, Sunday school finished and about forty kids aged between about 4 and 12 came out of another building. Every single one of them crossed the yard and went straight into the church where they quietly joined their families, drawings in hand.

RedToothBrush · 01/05/2016 20:30

I'm sorry, but the church isn't doing too well in attracting younger people through its doors.

Its in no small part down to the old fashioned attitudes that children should never be children never be heard.

Honestly the woman is a miserable cow bag and the church, not four year olds, need to suck it up.

SuperFlyHigh · 01/05/2016 20:31

You sound very away with the fairies OP if you think it's a spa generally.... Even with your Sunday school teaching.

Anyway... I know lots of old style and nowadays hippy parents and the vast majority of them lay down the rules for their kids to behave properly, as otherwise they know they're a bloody nightmare. When I was a child in 70s we went to church (bloody freezing, old fashioned and boring but we still managed to keep quiet, sing hymns and listen to the vicar and go along with Eucharist). There'd have been merry hell to pay if we ran around or walked. It taught us very good practice for the future, eg to be respectful of others, young and old.

Your main words "wild" and "crunchy" (God only knows what "crunchy" means but it is "let him do what he like, aka attachment parenting". "wild" to me about most kids means they run riot and don't listen and parents can't or won't control them.

The woman was maybe a bit blunt to you but she said nothing wrong, a church is a place to me where you do have to have respect for the service, parishioners etc and not to let him walk around to his friend and potentially mess around.

Your reaction to go outside and sit on the steps was equally childish. All you had to do was sit him on your knee or tell him firmly to sit down and be quiet.

Still as this was a one off occasion for you being in church rather than Sunday school then I think it'll wash over your head and you'll carry on as you were.

Floggingmolly · 01/05/2016 20:31

There's a snack trolley in the church? . Are you sure you're not getting confused with a Mum's and Toddlers group?

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 01/05/2016 20:32

How does one go about becoming crunchy? It sounds fun. I like the odd lentil and have hair that looks like I've been electrocuted. Is this a good start...what else do i need to do.?

MrsJayy · 01/05/2016 20:32

You are really funny loving it was full fat donuts

DixieNormas · 01/05/2016 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PartiallyStars · 01/05/2016 20:36

Is crunchy an American term? I have never ever heard it before. I love new words.

ScreenshottingIsNotJournalism · 01/05/2016 20:39

It's not attachment parenting to be inconsiderate of others.
You can be attachement parenting and meet your child's emotional needs and help you kids (and you're talking about a 4 year old here, not a toddler) be conscious of others needs too.

It's not cool to let them go with the flow and much about at church. A 4yo can sit. Maybe with the aid of some quiet toys or books but there's nothing conflicting with AP about telling a 4yo that there's some places where you need to be quieter than others so that everyone can enjoy the mass

What you're doing is not AP, It's just being entitled.

But don't worry, you're not the only one. There's lots of people out there who use AP as an excuse to elevate themselves and their kids above others by acting however the F they want wherever they want regardless of how it makes other people feel. However attachment parenting is all about compassion and awareness of feelings right? so by acting like that youre basically failing at AP

DailyMailDick · 01/05/2016 20:40

You can take an online test to see how pretentious CRUNCHY you are.

To worry I've turned into the attachment mum horror

LaurieMarlow · 01/05/2016 20:43

My overwhelming feeling reading your posts is that you sound quite insecure. Does that ring true to you? I may just be over reacting to your language.

Agree that jeans to church is perfectly mainstream.

Piratepete1 · 01/05/2016 20:43

A child walking up and down in church can be distracting. I'm all for family services where children and noise are welcomed and separate adult services.

Just as an aside, I am devoted to my children but am firm with them as they need to know how to behave. It doesn't mean I love them any less, in fact I am doing them a favour ready for starting school. My friend truly is an attachment horror. Still breastfeeds 2 children when 1 is nearly 5, NEVER disciplines them even when they are thumping another child and refuses to wash or cut their hair because 'they don't like it'. It is bringing our friendship to breaking point.

MrsJayy · 01/05/2016 20:44

No it's not an American word a crunchy is a new age hippy sort of

Elle80 · 01/05/2016 20:47

I wear jeans to Mass, but I also tell my two DDs to sit down and me quiet. I guess I'm not as "wild and crunchy" as I though I was

DurhamDurham · 01/05/2016 20:49

Wild yet adorable
Crunchy people
AP that isn't AP
Week old doughnuts......

Too
Many
Weird
Things
In
One
Post !!

PaulAnkaTheDog · 01/05/2016 20:52

See me? I'm crunchy as fuck.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 01/05/2016 20:55

Could really go a donut now

Cocochoco · 01/05/2016 20:56

Half my much-loved AP friends were an embarrassment to be out with because they saw no reason why their dc shouldn't run around in a cafe and throw food etc; the other half were considerate of others. You sound like the first half OP! I'd like you, but wouldn't want to sit near you in church.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 01/05/2016 20:57

Or a crunchie

MetallicBeige · 01/05/2016 20:59

Simply move to Brighton Theydon't and you'll be halfway there. Though, I don't know if Brighton has changed a bit, the tired-of-London hipsters gentrifying the crusty areas etc.

SaucyJack · 01/05/2016 21:09

"How does one go about becoming crunchy?"

You just need to talk about yourself and your parenting decisions all time, and make out like you invented vegetables and being nice to babies. And wear Birkenstocks.

Other than that, it's whispers much the same as normal parenting.

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