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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister could at least ask for the day off for my wedding?

396 replies

Windsofwinter · 01/05/2016 07:41

I'm getting married abroad next year. We originally wanted this to be during the May/June half term, but unfortunately these dates were already booked up for the ceremony venue we wanted. We have instead been offered a Saturday at the end of June.

My sister is a primary teacher, and one of my bridesmaids. She is refusing to ask for any time off, despite the fact that she could fly out on Friday and back on Sunday (short haul destination!) so would only need to ask for one day. She's suggested I either opt for the summer holidays or look for an alternative venue that is available in half term, if I want her to come. The reason she won't ask is because she doesn't think her head will approve it anyway, so "what's the point". I'm upset and angry, but don't know if I'm blinded by wedding emotion! Keen to avoid a family fall-out, AIBU?

OP posts:
StillRabbit · 01/05/2016 11:51

She's quite close friends with her HT (was her bridesmaid!) so I think she could really ask "off the record" as it were without jeopardising her entire future career.

But staff absences have to be approved by the chair of governors not just the head.

In my last school I had been told that I could have a day unpaid this coming September to take my DD and get her settled into university (not a teacher just admin) as I had worked huge amounts of extra hours when we were understaffed. This was offered to me by the chair of governors, I didn't ask.

I have now changed school and the staff handbook makes actually lists a child "leaving home" would not be considered reason for leave of absence however "child's graduation" would be considered on application to the governing body.

Family weddings will not be considered, one day for a funeral of a close family member (parent, sibling or child) is automatic, applications in respect of others will be considered on an individual basis.

Rocket1982 · 01/05/2016 11:51

Op, if you are willing to share the closest airport at either end people on here might be able to help you work out a route?

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/05/2016 11:52

Lucked

Teaching is not a job where you can sneak out and get some down time or get someone else to cover for you for 10, 20 or 30 minutes. From the moment the pupils are there to when they leave it is full on.

I think for your sisters wedding you knacker yourself out with good grace.

I don't, its a simple point of view that we will have to differ on.

BeauGlacons · 01/05/2016 11:52

I think she probably could get the day off 14 months in advance. But I also think she might not want to work full steam for four days, spend a day travelling, a day at a wedding, another day travelling and then launch back into another five full on days. I'm also guessing as a teacher that she might find it hard to deal with the cost of attending if it can't be combined with a proper break.

I have read a lot of the thread and think there is a very big focus on a wedding here: ie, the arrangements, the party, the venue, the day, etc., and perhaps not the focus there might be on its purpose which is the marriage. But I am old and say this often on bridey threads. If the marriage is the important bit why can't you get married here in the UK in a humble sort of way with your close family and friends and then next year have a blessing a bigger party in your DH's country. Those who love you most can attend one or both ceremonys and I bet it will be cheaper than the extravaganza you are planning.

We got married 25 years ago. There were two dates: one in early July (a Saturday term-time) or one in September (term time). We were only planning six months in advance and went for the July date. MIL was a teacher (Deputy Head actually) approaching retirement. She said "well it isn't ideal but I'll remind the head that I've had three days sick in 23 years and if she doesn't like it she can lump it". It was given with very good grace in the event and MIL had the Friday before off. Even 25 years ago, for a long standing teacher, it wasn't assumed it would be granted for a son.

I think you are being a little bit U OP. Sorry.

maddening · 01/05/2016 11:58

She could fly Friday night as per prev poster

expatinscotland · 01/05/2016 12:02

Maybe she just doesn't want to go. Because judging from how you've come across on this thread, the drip feeding in particular, she may have valid reason to not want to be there and is using her job as an excuse.

Original poster
Windsofwinter · 01/05/2016 12:06

Apologies, I'm new to MN. Didn't know what drop feeding was; I thought I was just responding to comments but have clearly committed a MN faux pas! Should have known AIBU was a little brave for my first post Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
Windsofwinter · 01/05/2016 12:06

Drip...!

OP posts:
Kidnapped · 01/05/2016 12:22

NicknameUsed,

Kidnapped Have you any idea how long it would take to drive to Heathrow from Leeds, for example, on a Friday afternoon? And how, after a full day's work, then driving in heavy traffic to catch a flight, landing in another country, hiring a car and not knowing the area at all and then driving some distance again while tired, on the wrong side of the road in the dark?

Your suggestions are ridiculous and impractical.

Nickname, I have flown to Italy from the UK in the evening many times from lots of different airports. It didn't strike me as ridiculous and impractical. Just what millions of people do .

I do get that the mere idea would be too much for some people on here, I really do.

Original poster
Windsofwinter · 01/05/2016 12:29

Her nearest airport is Newcastle (20mins away). Only a couple of flights a week to our destination, including one on the Friday morning. I don't know about flights to other Italian cities or how far it would be from Rome to our wedding for example. I don't think she could get away without needing the day off though. Time to research some other venues

OP posts:
FishWithABicycle · 01/05/2016 12:34

Sorry but YABU.

I get that it has to be in Italy but I very much doubt that this is the only possible venue so effectively you are saying that getting the venue of your choice on a date your sister can't get there for is more important than having your sister there.

If I was a teacher I wouldn't commit to a wedding in term time 14 months away even if I had a brilliant working relationship with the Head and felt certain that the leave would be approved as I would have no idea whether either I or the head teacher would still be in the same post in 14 months time.

Teachers just don't have term time holidays. People who have a teacher in their family just do not organise family events abroad during term time if they want their teacher family member there.

Find a different venue that is available in the summer half term or look at the October half term availability instead.

temporarilyjerry · 01/05/2016 12:42

I have RTHT but I am a teacher and one of my colleagues took a day's unpaid leave to attend her brother's wedding last year.

So YANBU. She could ask; the HT could say no.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/05/2016 12:45

NicknameUsed: Kidnapped Have you any idea how long it would take to drive to Heathrow from Leeds, for example, on a Friday afternoon? And how, after a full day's work, then driving in heavy traffic to catch a flight, landing in another country, hiring a car and not knowing the area at all and then driving some distance again while tired, on the wrong side of the road in the dark?

Then get the train to Manchester (could be there for 6) and fly somewhere nearby and hire a car. It's not ridiculous and impractical. I do that kind of journey regularly. And she won't be driving "on the wrong side of the road" she'd be driving on the right like everyone else there. It's not hard. Or get a train / taxi at the other end.

Either she wants to be there or she doesn't.

turnaroundbrighteyes · 01/05/2016 12:45

I think if you want the date and she can't (or doesn't want to) take a day off school she needs to get creative. There will be a flight that leaves Friday night or very early Sat morning but it might be from London and it might not go to your preference of Italian airport, but I'd be amazed if she truly couldn't get there. Whether it's occurred to her to do it that way or if she'd even want to is a different question!

SharingMichelle · 01/05/2016 12:50

When my brother got married abroad none of the siblings went. I assume if it were important for us to attend he wouldn't have had it abroad.

Also, I'm a teacher and even if I could take a day off I wouldn't want to. It's disruptive for my students, it's sets us back, we're working towards deadlines and exams and I would not be taking my job seriously if I disrupted their learning when it was avoidable.

ValancyJane · 01/05/2016 12:50

I've had two days off for close family weddings that fell on Fridays while working in schools (two different ones). Both times it was paid leave though I offered to take it unpaid. However I doubt my current school would grant it!

Letseatgrandma · 01/05/2016 12:53

Ok-say there was a flight from London that would involve her and her partner driving down for some hours (it's usually an hour from Gatwick from here-last time I did it on a friday night to collect a relative from their flight, it took nearly 6 hours!) in rush hour traffic after a week at work, flying to an Italian airport nowhere near the wedding and then driving through Italy to get to the wedding on Saturday. Then they would have to do the journey in reverse on Sunday to be back at work on Monday morning.

What if the sister didn't want to do this horrible and expensive journey?! Would the op still be reasonable to feel angry and upset?!

Lucked · 01/05/2016 12:53

Boney

Oh come on, lots of us have busy stressful jobs. You suck it up for your sisters wedding.

As it looks like she can only fly on the Friday morning it is irrelevant. Although OP it is worth looking at connecting flights from London or Amsterdam. Might be possible.

UnderCoverGuvnor · 01/05/2016 12:58

I'm chair of governors at a local school with about 100 staff and the rule is unless it's life or death don't ask for time off !!!! It sounds harsh but if half the staff ask for 1 day a year that is 50 days to cover, we used to be more flexible but it was abused by a minority so now we are much stricter and it is the same for everyone.

I think you have put your sister in a difficult position.

NicknameUsed · 01/05/2016 13:01

"There will be a flight that leaves Friday night or very early Sat morning but it might be from London and it might not go to your preference of Italian airport, but I'd be amazed if she truly couldn't get there. Whether it's occurred to her to do it that way or if she'd even want to is a different question!"

I think you are seriously underestimating the journey time, when you factor in transfers and the getting to the airport two hours before take off.

BackforGood · 01/05/2016 13:04

Another telling you YABU. You are saying that a particular venue is more important than having your sister there.
Of course she can't come - you know that. I can't believe you are even suggesting that she should somehow get favourable treatment from her HT, because they are friends! Shock

If you want a teacher to be able to fly abroad for a wedding, then you have to hold it in the school holidays. Fact.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 01/05/2016 13:05

She's lived her life with her mum (same dad, different mothers) and tends to feel like she's missed out on things as a result, despite everyone's best efforts for this not to be the case.

when we were still discussing dates she had said she thought one day would be manageable if we couldn't get the original dates we wanted, but that she hoped we could because she wanted to spend a week there like everyone else

Her only coming for the weekend and everyone else staying for the week will make her feel she's missing out. So, it may be that she's not wanting to ask for the extra day (that she is very, very unlikely to be granted) because she doesn't want to just be the one person that isn't included in the whole thing.

With 14 months to go, I think you need to go back to the drawing board.

NicknameUsed · 01/05/2016 13:05

"Then get the train to Manchester (could be there for 6) and fly somewhere nearby and hire a car. It's not ridiculous and impractical. I do that kind of journey regularly. And she won't be driving "on the wrong side of the road" she'd be driving on the right like everyone else there. It's not hard. Or get a train / taxi at the other end."

It might be easier if we knew which airports the sister would need to fly in and out of.

I wouldn't want to drive in Italy late at night after a long week at work, in a left hand drive car at night in somewhere I have never been to before. If you can then bully for you. But I bet most people wouldn't want to either.

Minniemagoo · 01/05/2016 13:08

Leeds currently have an evening flight to Amsterdam on Fri evening, as it's such a big hub I would be surprised if you couldn't get an onward flight to your destination.
If you want to name your actual Italian location people may have info on connections.

MyMurphy · 01/05/2016 13:12

Have your wedding here, then renew your vows abroad with your DHs family, easy!