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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my sister could at least ask for the day off for my wedding?

396 replies

Windsofwinter · 01/05/2016 07:41

I'm getting married abroad next year. We originally wanted this to be during the May/June half term, but unfortunately these dates were already booked up for the ceremony venue we wanted. We have instead been offered a Saturday at the end of June.

My sister is a primary teacher, and one of my bridesmaids. She is refusing to ask for any time off, despite the fact that she could fly out on Friday and back on Sunday (short haul destination!) so would only need to ask for one day. She's suggested I either opt for the summer holidays or look for an alternative venue that is available in half term, if I want her to come. The reason she won't ask is because she doesn't think her head will approve it anyway, so "what's the point". I'm upset and angry, but don't know if I'm blinded by wedding emotion! Keen to avoid a family fall-out, AIBU?

OP posts:
zeezeek · 01/05/2016 11:20

Is it me, or does the OP keep painting and more and more negative picture of her sister each time she posts.....and after being repeatedly told that she's unreasonable?

AugustaFinkNottle · 01/05/2016 11:21

OP, you don't seem to be taking on board that your sister may know more about what is going on in her school than you do. The fact that her HT is friendly won't help if there are currently staffing problems there anyway, or if staff will be away on a school trip at the relevant time, or it's coming up to Ofsted. In fact, she may be particularly reluctant to put extra pressure on the head by asking.

Acorn44 · 01/05/2016 11:21

Ten years ago, my Head may have considered allowing time off for a genuine reason (though I am not convinced a wedding is a genuine reason for absence). The current climate is very different and I have certainly never heard of the two 'floating days' a previous poster refers to. For example, I recently had an emergency wisdom tooth extraction at lunch time. I was told I had to return
to teach my final lesson that day as there was no one who could cover. The only exception was when my partner and I had to attend approval panel recently (to be adopters). Even then, it was unpaid and I felt guilty about doing it so close to exam season.

I would feel very awkward requesting time off to attend a wedding, knowing colleagues were losing their non-contact time to cover for me. I'd also feel uncomfortable attending a wedding in school time knowing students would not be granted permission to do this!

I think YABU, PO.

PaulDacresMicroPenis · 01/05/2016 11:22

Not just you zeezeek Grin

rollonthesummer · 01/05/2016 11:23

Nothing is definitely confirmed/paid for - it's just the date we were given.

The date you were given by who? Can't it be changed? You're talking 14 months in the future.

I think you also need to think that if your own sister can't come-who else won't. Are you inviting people with children who are at school? Are you expecting them to get time off as well?

Letseatgrandma · 01/05/2016 11:24

I would imagine the head giving the sister a day off because they were good friends would NOT go down well with the rest of the staff!!

NicknameUsed · 01/05/2016 11:25

"... some people on here apparently have never been on a plane. lots of destinations (even short haul) don't offer multiple flights a day. and then one has to get to the airport well in advance, DS may also have not live that close to an airport. it usually isn't that simple as taking a flight after work"

This ^^

"There must be thousands of flights from the UK to Italy every day.
Get whatever flight after work that takes you to anywhere in Italy. Or even a neighbouring country if need be. Hire a car. Get to your destination around 2am. Job done."

Kidnapped Have you any idea how long it would take to drive to Heathrow from Leeds, for example, on a Friday afternoon? And how, after a full day's work, then driving in heavy traffic to catch a flight, landing in another country, hiring a car and not knowing the area at all and then driving some distance again while tired, on the wrong side of the road in the dark?

Your suggestions are ridiculous and impractical.

jellybeansprout · 01/05/2016 11:26

YABVU.

If you book your wedding abroad, in term time, you will have to accept that some people can't come.

BoneyBackJefferson · 01/05/2016 11:28

Nothing is definitely confirmed/paid for - it's just the date we were given.

So you could change the date?

If you are going to be this difficult 14 months ahead of the date, how bridezilla like are you going to be closer to the date.

Rainuntilseptember · 01/05/2016 11:29

Musicposy your post makes no sense. Of course a teacher won't be granted days off for a date she has control over Being a bridesmaid at someone else's wedding is entirely different.
Having said that, I have known brides to get a day off school just before their wedding (booked sensibly for a holiday) or to get time off if the wedding was booked before the job was accepted).

Acorn44 · 01/05/2016 11:31

OP (!)

WorraLiberty · 01/05/2016 11:32

She's quite close friends with her HT (was her bridesmaid!) so I think she could really ask "off the record" as it were without jeopardising her entire future career.

The HT is going to have to treat her exactly the same as the other staff, so having been her bridesmaid is neither here nor there.

I'm a school governor and this sort of request would be a flat out no, at my school.

dailyfailrag · 01/05/2016 11:34

To be honest YABU to expect anyone to go to a wedding abroad. If you want to have a wedding in another country because it's pretty or to save money, then go for it, but you should realise that the logistics of it will prevent some people from going. That's the risk you take when you marry overseas.

Rollinginthevalley · 01/05/2016 11:35

she has a tendency to think things are done deliberately to spite her, that she's the hardest done by out of the four siblings etc. As I've said, we tried to book for half term but couldn't; this was the date we were offered. Nothing is definitely confirmed/paid for - it's just the date we were given. I can't help but feel she won't ask because she's annoyed it isn't the date she wanted

Oh this is the real story - you & your sister have conflicts underlying things.

Still think you're BU

BoffinMum · 01/05/2016 11:36

I don't know where you have been for the last 5 years but it is not going to be possible for this teacher to get a day off just for a wedding and you would make her lose serious face at work for asking. You need to be more understanding.

Original poster
Windsofwinter · 01/05/2016 11:38

The date we were given by the town hall - we asked for dates during the May/June half term and were told they had no availability until the particular date we've reserved. Unfortunately it's a popular venue and people clearly got in more quickly than we did.

I'm not trying to paint her in a bad light; obviously it's impossible to fit our entire family history into one post! She's lived her life with her mum (same dad, different mothers!) and tends to feel like she's missed out on things as a result, despite everyone's best efforts for this not to be the case. I'm just a bit worried that it's related to that and she thinks I've done it on purpose so that it's difficult for her.

I appreciate what you're all saying, but I don't think it's completely unreasonable to cling on to our (clichéd!) "dream venue" until it's definitely not an option. It does look like that is the case, as I wouldn't have the wedding without her there.

OP posts:
SoThatHappened · 01/05/2016 11:39

Something that posters haven't thought about. Maybe the DSis doesn't want to do what is effectively a 12 day week.

Exactly. Maybe she doesnt want 12 days in a row with no downtime for the wedding of a sister who quite clearly doesnt like her.

expatinscotland · 01/05/2016 11:40

Nice drip feed. She knows the head. She will also know if it's one who is likely to say NO so it's not worth asking. I'm from abroad, but a lot further than Italy. My father is too frail and old now to travel here. I got married here, but in your shoes I'd move the wedding date to an earlier holiday/term time.

MatildaTheCat · 01/05/2016 11:40

My friend is a teacher at a big, busy secondary school. Her DD got married recently and her HT gave her the day off before the wedding just so she could prepare. The wedding was quite local so no travel needed. The time off was unpaid.

So I HRTFT but it's possible to do. With 14 months' notice I would think it is not unreasonable to at least ask.

Letseatgrandma · 01/05/2016 11:42

Your latest drip feed makes me wonder if you're deliberately going for a date that'll be difficult for her! You say it is just the date you were given but if that's the case, it can be changed, surely? If you really want her there-why not do October half term? I wouldn't expect anyone to travel to another country for me just for a weekend.

Calm down with the bridezilla this early in the day. Accept she (and anyone else that works in a school or who has children at school) won't be able to come either.

Lucked · 01/05/2016 11:46

What's wrong with a 12 day week, plenty of people actually do that for work. This is more akin to a city break or a wedding in the UK with lots of travelling. I help my brother move house last weekend, that really was hard work.

I think for your sisters wedding you knacker yourself out with good grace.

rubberducker · 01/05/2016 11:47

Goodness people must be reading a different thread to me.

The sister originally said she could take a day.
She has recently fallen out with friends who went on a mini-break without her thinking she wouldn't be able to take a day's leave j. term time without giving her the opportunity to ask.
She is friends with the HT - and I read the OP's comment about that as meaning she could have an 'off the record' discussion about whether or not a request would be okay without it adversely affecting her career (as pp have suggested) rather than it meaning that she would get preferential treatment.

Yes the OP is drip feeding a bit but i think she is getting an unnecessarily hard time here.

NicknameUsed · 01/05/2016 11:48

"So I HRTFT but it's possible to do"

Clearly it isn't in some schools. Not all head teachers are the same and neither are all schools.

Rocket1982 · 01/05/2016 11:48

op, i think there will be a way for your sister to go to work and then travel to your wedding on the Friday night, wherever it in Italy. Travel costs will probably be more, but the combination of a plane and train or long distance taxi (or a hire car?) would get here there. There are night trains in Italy.

expatinscotland · 01/05/2016 11:51

And there have it. 'AIBU?' Yes, yes, yes. But, but, but . . . drip feed till where you get hopefully more posts saying YANBU. Groom's mother too frail, I can't get off all Summer, sister is difficult, etc etc.

Perhaps your sister feels the way she does for a reason.

And you are still being unreasonable.