To think my sister could at least ask for the day off for my wedding?

[Windsofwinter]

I'm getting married abroad next year. We originally wanted this to be during the May/June half term, but unfortunately these dates were already booked up for the ceremony venue we wanted. We have instead been offered a Saturday at the end of June.

My sister is a primary teacher, and one of my bridesmaids. She is refusing to ask for any time off, despite the fact that she could fly out on Friday and back on Sunday (short haul destination!) so would only need to ask for one day. She's suggested I either opt for the summer holidays or look for an alternative venue that is available in half term, if I want her to come. The reason she won't ask is because she doesn't think her head will approve it anyway, so "what's the point". I'm upset and angry, but don't know if I'm blinded by wedding emotion! Keen to avoid a family fall-out, AIBU?

My friend is a teacher and was given the day off to attend a wedding of someone who wasn't even family. I'm sure she told me they get two "floating days".

I disagree with others - YANBU to think she can at least. Obviously she knows her school and head best but schools vary hugely in flexible they can be. Lots of my family and friends work in different schools as teachers/HoY/TAs and have, in the last few years, had individual days off for: moving house, a friend's birthday - long weekend holiday, children's graduation, filming a TV quiz show, friend's friday wedding, (extended) family funeral, parents hospital appointment, and child playing in a sports match at county level - just off the top of my head. Some of these have been unpaid leave, some paid.

Why won't she ask? The worst the head can say is no, then she is in the same position as if she hadn't asked. Head isn't going to think any worse of her if she asks politely and accepts the verdict with good grace.

YWBU if you expected everyone to go to your wedding abroad, regardless, or moaned at her if she had asked, but couldn't go, but no, I can't see YABU to expect your own sister to at least try for one day off!

Could it be another reason, do you think, like she can't afford a days unpaid leave and all the other expenses for just a few days holiday? Does she think she will be exhausted when she comes back on a Monday? These are all better reasons imo than being scared of asking for a day off, but tbh, I would still suck them up for a sibling's wedding!

sorry - first sentence should be 'she can at least ask.'

I'm sorry OP, but I think that you're BU in terms of not even considering other venues until she's asked.

What's the climate in her school like? At mine, you wouldn't DARE to ask for leave for a wedding, paid or unpaid, during term time, as you'd be labelled as potentially uncommitted to the job and make a name for yourself... Yes, really.

My own wedding is next year, and I've chosen the date as the first day of the Easter holiday, the day right after we break up from school. My family, none of em teachers, keep encouraging me to ask to book the day before off, so that they can start tbe celebration early, and greet guests arriving from abroad.

No way will I be asking for that time off. But they don't understand it at all, my mum and aunts just keep saying, "Go on, of course they will!" No, that's not how it works in a school. But I may just lie and told them I asked and was turned down. If I was your sister, I might do the same in her circumstances.

CodyKing

Get whatever flight after work that takes you to anywhere in Italy. Or even a neighbouring country if need be.

Are you serious - for one day at a wedding?

Yes. I like my sister. And if it is in northern Italy, then flying to Nice, Geneva or wherever might be the best solution anyway.

Why won't she ask? The worst the head can say is no, then she is in the same position as if she hadn't asked. Head isn't going to think any worse of her if she asks politely and accepts the verdict with good grace.

silvermantela, that really is incredibly naive. There are numerous employers who certainly would think worse of someone who asks to take time off, particularly in a job like teaching where they have 13 weeks a year off.

kidnapped looks like we need to get the OP's DS an itinerary together eh? I'd quite enjoy the adventure tbh

When I was a primary teacher I was allowed one day off (unpaid) to be bridesmaid at my sister's wedding. I obviously had a very accommodating HT.

My experience leads me to say YANBU to want her to just ask.

However, she knows her school and HT best, if she's concerned it will backfire on her in some way then you probably have to accept she won't ask.

Why do people feel the need to marry abroad?

I think you need to trust your sisters judgement if she is saying she knows she will not get leave . Are there other reasons you think she may not be "invested" in your wedding ?

Why do people feel the need to marry abroad?

In this case because it is where the OP's fiance is from and his mother is too frail to travel. Which you'd know if you RTFT

Surely you "could at least ask"... Or does that only apply to other people with restricted holiday times?

Don't you understand what other teachers on here have repeatedly told you? Teachers have some flexibility in their working times in that they supposedly "only" work 8am to 4pm, and have 13 weeks holidays.

The pay off for this is that during term-time time off for anything other than illness or utter emergencies is pretty much impossible.

People have said this repeatedly on this thread - I'm a bit that you find this difficult to understand?

You can't make her ask if she doesn't want to. Teachers ime are often allowed one day off for a (close) wedding. I remember I didn't ask for a friend's wedding as I assumed the answer would be no, but realised others were doing so later. I was just embarrassed.

Yabvu to expect other people to make possible sacrifices in their career / pay to attend when you could easily change the venue.

Exactly. If you want it your own way right now then dont expect people to be able to attend, family or not.

I had a run in with my own sister a couple of years ago over my nephews 2nd birthday. She picked a Saturday which was several days before his actual birthday. At 2 years old the mum cant leave the child at the party alone. As it was a saturday dads and siblings came. She had also invited out mother, my bils parents and slblings and their partners. The house (it isnt massive) was going to be utterly packed out I figured when I realised all those guests were going. It takes over 2 hours to get to my sisters and back and she had offered me to stay over at night as it is really hard to get home from.

Then I found out my bils parents were being allowed to stay and they were getting first dibs on the guest room. She said my mother and I could sleep on the fold out sofa bed in the lounge downstairs. I flatly said no.

I work a very very demanding job and things were not going well for me at work at the time. I was working until 8pm or later most nights out of necessity. I was also unwell that week.

I was not going to work until 8pm, get home at 10pm, get ot the house at 8:30am to get to my sisters house for 11am, sit in a party for hours with raging screaming 2 year olds everywhere and other children and then have to sleep with my mother on an uncomfortable sofa bed in a lounge with no privacy and when my DM snores like a bloody freight train. Then have to battle Sunday transport home when the trains in that direction are always bad on weekends and then have a couple of hours to myself on Sunday when I have to get up on Monday and do it all over again at work.

All of this for a 2 year olds party when it isnt even his actual birthday. I offered to see him the weekend after and I would do a little party for him at my place and give him my presents as they have a car and I do not and they get two parties that way. Plus I get to spend time with my nephew and his siblings properly.

They went ballistic at the very suggestion and so they got their way. I barely even saw my nephew at the party, screaming toddlers everywhere, no sleep that night in the lounge and a packed house and a queue for the one bathroom in the morning. they didnt bother to drive me back to the station until well after midday so I didnt get home until 4pm on Sunday and stright back to work the next day. for a toddlers party.

Entitled families really piss me off.

If you want what you want OP, dont expect your sister to attend. She has to be alert for work and needs rest and you are wanting her to leave work straight onto a flight have a long day on saturday, travelling on Sunday and right back to work on Monday when presumably you're jetting off on honeymoon somewhere.

Im a governor in a primary school and we always say no to teachers requesting days off for something that is not an emergency. It is only fair because we have to do the same for the children thanks Mr Gove so we can't be seen to have a different rule for teachers.

Her school may be coming up to OfSTED inspection time, and as no one knows when the inspectors will be coming as the school gets only half a day's notice, then things could be even tighter than normal there and as soon as the 3 years since the last one are up it is incredibly stressful for everyone even governors.

She might have heard about another teacher who asked and was turned down, so doesn't want to run the risk of the same happening and being thought of as unprofessional. Or maybe her Head has announced that they won't agree to term time leave requests,

Or maybe she is under capability procedures or needing support with her teaching.

There are many reasons, none of which are her fault, but teaching has changed a lot in the last few years and good teachers are being told that they aren't good enough anymore.

I married abroad too, Vegas for us, and chosen because it would piss off my family and prevent them from coming! We did, however, have a blessing a few months later at the family chapel. Maybe you could do so,etching similar.

Don't you understand what other teachers on here have repeatedly told you?

1. no one has repeatedly told me anything
2. of course I understand that some teachers might be able to get time off
3. this teacher has implied that she can not.

What don't you understand about that?

There are some heads I wouldn't dream of asking as it wouldn't get approved and it would be held against me

This X 100.

If you, as you admit, can't get time off during some months, I'd hope you would be more tolerant of other jobs.

You can have your wedding when you like but you are being v unreasonable to have it abroad, during term time and then be 'upset and angry' when some people can't come. I bet if would cost her shed loads in £ and time over that one weekend. June is horrendous in schools as well-she'll probably have tonnes of reports to write.

I don't blame her at all. She won't be the only one who can't come.

Oh, I see Rolling has mistakenly taken the OPs quoting of what I said to be her own words.

Smellylittleorange she has a tendency to think things are done deliberately to spite her, that she's the hardest done by out of the four siblings etc. As I've said, we tried to book for half term but couldn't; this was the date we were offered. Nothing is definitely confirmed/paid for - it's just the date we were given. I can't help but feel she won't ask because she's annoyed it isn't the date she wanted, rather than there being any real issue with the school; she's giving 14 months notice and it is just one day. She's quite close friends with her HT (was her bridesmaid!) so I think she could really ask "off the record" as it were without jeopardising her entire future career.

When you plan your wedding isn't the ability of your nearest and dearest to attend one of the first factors you consider? DD is getting married this summer and my sister and her family live on the other side of the world. The first thing we did when setting the date was look at their school holidays. DD wanted a Saturday in summer so we ended up with two possible dates in July. Then we went looking for venue availability. It seemed the only way to approach it , as a wedding without them would have been unthinkable. OP YABVU, get a venue on a date your family can attend, especially as you understand restricted holidays.

Oh, and YABU for constantly drip feeding too.

I'm a teacher and I wasn't allowed a day off for my own wedding!

YABU I'm afraid.

Could your sister look at routing through another hub, it would mean 2 flights and more expense but surely there must be an evening flight connection through Paris or Amsterdam.

BitOutofPractice,

kidnapped looks like we need to get the OP's DS an itinerary together eh? I'd quite enjoy the adventure tbh

Apparently it cannot be done. If you think that people can take a flight in the evening then you've never been on a plane apparently.

Something that posters haven't thought about.

Maybe the DSis doesn't want to do what is effectively a 12 day week.