To think MIL is not racist....but so f*cking ignorant & shouldn't be around DCs

[rockacrybaby]

I have a very mixed family but am more or less black. Coffee coloured. DH is white. Race has never been an issue on either side but his damn mother keeps on saying the most infuriating things and DH and FIL keeps on shrugging it off as "she's just from a different time/ it's just silly ignorance"

When I think about what my family has been through I just cannot dismiss it as such. I've done the whole "Oh come on" polite speech but she just laughs me off as being defensive: "Oh I don't mean you, you're different"

Examples:

On DD1 when she was just born: "Oh, she's beautiful - not even as dark as I expected."

A conversation about an advert urging people to foster BAME kids: "Yes well of course more of them are in the system they just don't value family as much as other people do they?"

On first meeting me : "Oh you're quite well spoken"

On me straightening DD1s hair as a one off for a special occasion: "Her hair is so much prettier like this - so much less unruly"

On DD saying "I'm from Jamaica!" because her nanna is from there and we just got back from a trip and she's proud of her mixed heritage : "Oh but not that much darling"

On black lives matter : "Why are they so angry? If you behave like a hooligan you will be treated as such"

It really upsets me and I don't want my DCs hearing this shit. Yes their dad is white but they are still people of colour and I don't want them growing up hearing the shit I heard which made me feel inferior at times.....from their own damn grandma!!!

I don't even want them thinking about bloody race but it's like she cant help herself from making comments which subtly remind them that they are different from their blond haired blue eyes cousins. They are subtle and not all the time but enough to plant a seed.

Told DH MIL's comments aren't getting better and I'd I refuse to fight with her about it. I've addressed her comments nicely several times and she just laughs me off. DH is being useless. Seems to think that because she's not in the KKK its all petty.

I don't know what to do.

Tell your dd your MIL is ill works for me. Don't put up with it anymore.

Sorry Rock cross posted with you- thought you'd gone with DH. Sounds like you turned over a rock and all sorts crawled out. You're well rid. It will get easier. You are a great mum.

This whole thread makes me feel very . It is hard enough to experience racism as a child nut worse when it is from your own family. There are several things that are OP how can you not have known she was racist. I find it highly unlikely she only started making comments like this since you had kids. Also you sound like you ae apologising for her behavior. As a general comment when you have mixed kids they will experience racism, hoping it will go away does not work. Every time you let these comments go you are sending a message to your kids that this ok and there is something wrong with them and chips away at their self worth. Your DH not saying anything is inexcusable they are his kids

Also your mum sounds awesome.

I cant believe the amount of mums on this thread saying they have mixed kids and have experienced racism from family members too!! WTF???? It's 2016!!!!! Thank you all for being honest and for letting me know NC isn't me and DH being dramatic . Thank you everyone so much for giving me advice and supporting me. I just want DD and DS home right now so I can ask questions but want them to have a normal bank holiday weekend.

So sorry this may turn even nastier, OP, but you and your DH have done the right thing.
You have protected your DC from possible psychological damage.

Age is no excuse to do with racism.
My GPs were born in the 19th century, in the reign of Queen Victoria.
They welcomed my Arab mum when she came over in 1949 after marrying my dad. They have always valued her and me. They were just decent people.

And for someone up thread: "
"Calling a white middle class woman racist will only shut the conversation down."
wtf !!
The white middle class have enough privilege without adding immunity for being racist.

Racism is bad enough coming from strangers. From family it would be devastating

Sorry I see the thread has moved on quite a bit and a lot has happened. I don't want to make you feel worse. I'm glad your DH is supporting you

The reason it's not acceptable to shrug off the 'all blacks are xxx but not you dear' attitude is that you can't have your children going through life thinking that on some level they are only acceptable if Racist White Person has got to know them and given them a 'pass'.

MIL may profess to love her grandchildren. But the other black children she can't treat with full human respect are somebody's loved ones too.

Gummydrops Gummy I swear on my kids life - she said a couple of classist things which my BILs wives said they have gotten for years. She said "Ohhh aren't you well spoken?" when she first met me but again BILs wives said she's just a snob when I mentioned it at drinks. It's only when DD1 was born that I think it finally "kicked in" that she had a black woman in her family. This probably was re-established watching DD1 grow into a little brown girl with huge curly hair. In any case many people are closet racists to be honest.

Oh rock I'm so sorry.

It would have been so easy if she'd just said "oh, I hadn't seen it like that. I'm sorry." Why do people not do that?

I hope you weather whatever else is going on.

Gummydrops Thanks

so sorry to hear this rock

I hope that things don't escalate further tonight but I fear that they will.

Shame on her for talking to your DD like that. The fact that she continues to deny that she is racist beggars belief.

I am pleased that the rest of your family aren't sympathising with her- how awful that you weren't told of the other incidents earlier though. I hope that your DD is ok. I'm not sure how best to explain all this to her without doing further damage- I guess that 'gently does it' and stressing that it's not her fault is the way forward.

You have done nothing wrong. Your MIL is 100% in the wrong. What a shame that your FIL didn't intervene.

Bil Nd sil sound like they were stuck in a really difficult position - if they told, they started WW3 but by keeping shtum they've copped it.

Don't blame yourself. You didn't make offensive comments, nor did you get stroppy when called on it.

PS my boys have green eyes too, I thought it'd be rare but there's a few around :)

You not have to explain why you are British.

You are not stupid.

You sound like an intelligent, kind, patient and lovely woman.

You have not let down your daughter.

Totally different situation as yours is MUCH harder but I live overseas. I am British and live in Czech Rep. Had some problems with inlaws. They told daughter she is only Czech. There is no Santa here, they have another tradition but as my daughter is half British, I had brought her up with Santa and the Czech tradition. Mum in law had said Santa was American and pulled faces about it. Then when she is five she came home one day and was a bit crushed and said grandparents said, 'Santa ne existuje tady,' which is basically 'Santa doesn't exist here.' I was so upset and felt so insulted.

Other half went mad with his parents and they tried to bluff their way out of it.
However, little one said, 'He does exist doesn't he Mummy?' and I said he did and she always believed me. It taught me that I am a much bigger influence than the inlaws.

I know it's not the same and I haven't experienced what you have at all but what I want to say is she will believe you ultimately and draw strength from you and be guided by you and the messages you give her. YOU. I know mum in law has been a malign influence and you have had awful experiences in the past, but I think a Mum like you can't be anything but positive.

Keep doing what you have been doing. Keep telling her she is Jamaican AND British if that is what you want to say. Look how proudly she told her Gran she is Jamaican. Her Gran's response was fucking awful but I don't think she will have crushed her identity and knowledge of who she is that her Mum taught her.

You are not to blame for this shithead's racist views.

You confronted her. Inspite of the crap you have had in the past and how hard it must have been, you confronted her.

I think you experience says a lot about how racism is quietly tolerated. I mean by other family members. I am so sorry you have had to go though this. Do not blame yourself. Please do not. There is no better message for your daughter than saying your family will not tolerate her any longer.

GeoffreysGoat Really? I feel sososo betrayed by them. Don't you think they could have told us super discreetly? We would have totally understood their position and would have acted tactfully.

Bigchoc. I made that comment. In the post, I also continued that her mil is racist and have repeatedly posted how abysmal the mils racist behaviour is. Op at the time was asking for advice on how to tackle this situation without it escalating. It was an observation of how to tackle the mils behaviour. Yes, calling a white middle class woman racist because that's what she is, will set sparks flying. And I thoroughly agree that the mils feelings need not be spared because she is racist and bigoted. However, at the time op didn't want to have a show down and my post reflected that. I'm sorry if I offended others. That was most definitely not my intention. I have posted several times on this thread trying to give op options other than severing complete contact because that is what op expressed she wanted to do at the time.

This thread is heartbreaking
Rock please don't feel like you've failed your children, why should it even occur to you that their family members may say nasty things like that to them?

I wouldn't hold it too much against BIL and SIL, while they separately knew of discrepancies in her behaviour here and there, they had no idea of the big picture, same as you. FIL on the other hand, will have known everything and he is an absolute prick for doing nothing this whole time.
It's shameful of them, I just can't understand how she could say those things.
IMO, NC is the way forward. She sounds like a stubborn cow that will never admit that she is racist.
I saw a comment that say she loves her grandchildren despite them being mixed race, and not because of it. I think that hits the nail on the head and may be a useful one to throw at her. She thinks she's so high and mighty because she loves them, "none the less" and that right there is the proof of her racism.

I'm so sorry, I hope you're as okay as can be expected. And you have lots of support on here

I think this thread is a really useful example of why none of us should tolerate 'quiet' racist comments or language in any circumstances.

Every time we let it pass, we are storing up problems for people who are personally on the receiving end of being othered.

I'm sick to death with people who start a conversation with 'I'm not racist, but..' or more subtlety 'it may not be PC to say it, but'. Only last week someone started a conversation with 'better not say anything about last night, you know how PC Silver can be'.

We need to call it out EVERY SINGLE frigging time we hear it.

If you knew your friend's partner was cheating would you tell? Even though you'd most likely lose the friend for bad-mouthing the partner? This is kind of the same - staying quiet might not be right but it's a damned sight easier. I think they're an issue that can be dealt with another day; the way you write about them suggests you believe they had the best of intentions

GeoffreysGoat I know I know. It's just that my job is to protect DD and I've failed. Had I known it wasn't the odd comment about hair in my presence...
I never ever ever thought she'd have the balls to do it when I wasn't there to if that even makes sense. She said things about DD in DDs presence but I never saw her directly make a comment to DD. Now it turns out she has been and I feel vile. Like a failure.

Hugs x

At least you know now however painful. I do think the other family members even including your fil have been between a rock and a hard place. I also think your mil is a big child and y may wish to view her as such. Big, adult children can be absolute bigoted monsters. As a child, she is resistant to change and stubbornly refuses to back down or apologise because all of these things are really scary. This is going to be tough on your children because of how much they love her. So it will be hard on them for your family to go low or no contact. I would seriously consider involving them in this process in a dilute way because if they think you are withholding contact from grandma, they will likely blame you and your dh and this will be a double whammy for you all. I also wouldn't hold my breath on the "help", big children don't do "help" because change is very very very frightening.

Just want to say that none of this is your doing, WW3 hasn't been caused by you.

It's all her. She is solely and entirely responsible for all of this.

If there's any NC in the future, it's her choice (even though you impose it). If there's any family fall out, it's all her doing even if you implement it.

I think your DD is still young enough to put this to one side and grow up happy and balanced, especially if (in time) you explain to her why you have protected her from her GM. Evidence that she and her self worth are far more important than her relationship with her racist GM.

Finally, I don't envy your DH right now. I think he will need your support in the months and years to come. But you need to hold strong; he too will need to make a choice between his birth family and his own family. Like I say, I don't envy him.

Good luck op. These situations are brutal, but so so important in the final reckoning.

rocka I agree with Goat - don't be too hard on BIL and SIL. Yes, they should have told you sooner, and the fact that they didn't say anything is as symptomatic of their privilege as anything else, but they are clearly already beating themselves up. They sound like good people and they are your allies in this.

and strength.