To think MIL is not racist....but so f*cking ignorant & shouldn't be around DCs

[rockacrybaby]

I have a very mixed family but am more or less black. Coffee coloured. DH is white. Race has never been an issue on either side but his damn mother keeps on saying the most infuriating things and DH and FIL keeps on shrugging it off as "she's just from a different time/ it's just silly ignorance"

When I think about what my family has been through I just cannot dismiss it as such. I've done the whole "Oh come on" polite speech but she just laughs me off as being defensive: "Oh I don't mean you, you're different"

Examples:

On DD1 when she was just born: "Oh, she's beautiful - not even as dark as I expected."

A conversation about an advert urging people to foster BAME kids: "Yes well of course more of them are in the system they just don't value family as much as other people do they?"

On first meeting me : "Oh you're quite well spoken"

On me straightening DD1s hair as a one off for a special occasion: "Her hair is so much prettier like this - so much less unruly"

On DD saying "I'm from Jamaica!" because her nanna is from there and we just got back from a trip and she's proud of her mixed heritage : "Oh but not that much darling"

On black lives matter : "Why are they so angry? If you behave like a hooligan you will be treated as such"

It really upsets me and I don't want my DCs hearing this shit. Yes their dad is white but they are still people of colour and I don't want them growing up hearing the shit I heard which made me feel inferior at times.....from their own damn grandma!!!

I don't even want them thinking about bloody race but it's like she cant help herself from making comments which subtly remind them that they are different from their blond haired blue eyes cousins. They are subtle and not all the time but enough to plant a seed.

Told DH MIL's comments aren't getting better and I'd I refuse to fight with her about it. I've addressed her comments nicely several times and she just laughs me off. DH is being useless. Seems to think that because she's not in the KKK its all petty.

I don't know what to do.

Icing , I can't believe you're suggesting that racism should be accepted?

not just that (THAT! of course.. but not just that..) but icing also doesn't think that people of grandparenting age can learn anything new or be compassionate or apologetic.

Some older people are cnts, but not because they're old, they were cnty young people too, and age doesn't make it become okay

What does FTFOTTFSOF mean?

I'm guessing it's fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck?

I am sorry I've come across a bit rude.
You are in a difficult situation, but your husband is too - whatever side he choses he will turn either against his family or his mother.
There is no right decision.
I have no idea what is like to live as you have for so long and face this behaviour from you MIL, it must be terrible.
I could only suggest a possible solution but it may actually be irrelevant.
As I said old people's views are difficult to change, but they can try and control themselves. As she knows how bad you feel about her remarks is she willing to restrain herself from these remarks or is it going to be open war then if she refuses to behave.
The pther way is just to try and not be bothered about it if you can, but I understand it's more complicated tha it sounds.
I hope you can all have a good ending to it because they accepted you into their family which means they had a goodwill, and you also were putting on well for a long time, maybe you could work things out.

Good Luck Rock

"There is no right decision"
Yes. Yes there is.
The right decision is not to condone racism by sitting by and smiling and nodding just to be nice and keep the peace.

Icing- the woman in question is 65, not 265. My parents are the same age and don't have such disgraceful views. If they did, I would challenge them. You're essentially saying "please think about accepting casual racism against you and your children, because the racist is of pensionable age".

What about the impact on the OPs children?!

Icing the OP and the MIL didn't fall out over which restraunt to book for sunday lunch or something. The OH isn't chosing between the OP and the MIL, he's chosing between being a participant in racism through being passive, and being a decent person and saying that it's not okay. And the only ONLY person who has put him in this position is his mother. The OP did not create this situation

Icing, you were hugely insensitive and ignorant. People can't just shrug off deeply hurtful and offensive racist remarks. Op mentioned that the recent experiences have brought back painful memories fom her past and she feels physically sick. It's really serious.

I understand what she means but I don't see how this can be resolved without much disruption. (Are tou prepared for disruption OP? If yes, then fight.) For us as spectators it's different thing so we can give whatever advices we like, but we are not going to face the consequences of a broken family reportedly only because of the MIL (may be more complicated actually, or may be as simple, we don't know.)
But for her family it will be a reality.
As I see it, there are two options: you can either chose to fight for justice and accept consequences - whatever they are.
Or find a way to deal with injustice and still suffer the consequences.
I don't see an ideal solution out of this.
I am not also not instructling on which is right or wrong, everyone makes their own choices.

"And he wouldn't just be doing it for you, he'ld be doing it for his kids"

This!

Everything you have said is out of concern for his and your children, you are not particularly complaining on your own behalf or asking him to defend you. It is the children.

whatever side he choses he will turn either against his family or his mother

He is a father and sounds like a good and loving father, I would turn against my own dd if she were to harm my dgd.

Hope you are ok rock.

emilybohemia Yes, I know I am ignorant on this matter and realised it after my first post. Sorry about that.
I treated it as a "My MIL doesn't like my for whatever reason and makes nasty comments about myself or the kids" topic, which is something you can deal with.
Sorry again, it was my fault entirely.

Don't be frightened of objecting to being racially abused by your MIL. Just another tiny step forward....

I do get what icing is saying about to try and not be bothered about it if you can. This is about the mil pushing ops buttons. Op and her dh understandably has a big racism button. The goal in what I think icing is saying is to try to diffuse the button. Rather like we've done with the terminology "fat" in our household. So if DD is called fat, she can shrug it off as an observation rather than a criticism. I know I'm comparing two very different examples, however, to a child, unaware of the evils of the world, any nasty comment is a nasty comments.
I have learnt to diffuse many of my buttons in relation to my mother and can let many horrible comments wash over me because I now like who I am. I am much more at peace now that I can as I don't need to be on constant alert around her. Those said about my child, however, I cannot. I think it may perhaps be useful for op to allow herself to be less affected by some of the comments for her own sanity and and for her relationship with her mil. What I mean by that is to give her mil less power. In the "what does it matter, she's not very important" kind of way. However this can never be done in relation to her children. Ops children have had a belly full of nasty comments.

Janecc- I get the impression that OP has been putting up with this shit for years.
I think that her anxiety is due to the fact that her dcs are getting older and she is worried about the effect of their GM's racism.
Her dh should remember that his dcs are his priority not his racist mother.

I don't think you can not have that button pushed. It's too hurtful.

I am just that she is through and through utterly racist and seems to have just been playing at accepting you all along.

Absolutely devastating that she considers attending your wedding as something notable almost like she went to save face but really she wasn't happy about it

'There is no right decision'??? WTAF?

Yes there is a RIGHT way, the RIGHT way is to protect these children from their gran's harmful, invidious racism. As Op has just done.

Maybe their white-privileged, self-indulgent gran thinks she 'loves' them, someone upthread compared a misogynist father who 'loves' his daughter. Doesn't want the best for her, but in some strange as-long-as-she-stays-in-her-place way, he 'lurves' her.

Op , I'm worried for you, I hope the family confrontation isn't too awful.

Hold your head high. You've done nothing wrong. You spoke up to defend your children.

What actually worries me is how you tolerated her racism and put-downs so long for yourself. You didn't speak up until it affected your DC.

And btw, I'll take your word that your hair is 'nappy' but I quite doubt it's 'ugly'.

I'm mixed race (mum is white, dad is black) and I've always had comments from my maternal grandmother about 'coloured people' and 'foreigners'
Whenever I hear her sprouting racial comments it infuriates me as both her grandkids are 'coloured' and her SIL is black. Like you've said, her reply is always along the lines of 'you are all different' - well no, racist comments apply to anyone who takes offence to them in my opinion

I know exactly what you are going through. I stopped talking to my family because of their nonsense. On my mums side they are ignorant no comments just ignorant. On my dads side they are racist. When I was carrying my first child my dad said will my unborn child be a d or a m. It was very offensive I haven't spoken to him since apart from an argument that I had with him. My children don't have the benifit of grandparents only parents and we are coping. I hope you are ok op.

That's bloody awful snoukie.

Went downstairs, DH says sit down I sit down. He says BIL2 called because his mum called hysterical (I gathered that) saying we attacked her in her own home and called her racist.

She says that DH threatened her and nearly got violent and I turned him against her. Turns out after I left after the "black people are loud" comment she said "well they are bloody loud and even DD1 is louder than her cousins!" and DH banged his fist on the table and told her enough and to not make one more racist comment. She obviously said she wasn't racist and he's behaving like "my lot" with his temper. DH told FIL to bloody say something but FIL sat there shaking his head. DH got up and said MIL needs to get some help or accept NC. She said "what do you mean no contact? You see what I mean? Only they are content with broken families she's poisoning you". DH put his hands up not to bloody hit his mum but in frustration and she backs away scared FIL now gets up, DH is shouting at MIL saying stop playing victim, FIL ushers out DH and he gets in the car where I'm waiting. As I said before he was super emotional and we drove home in silence. Now I know why. I started crying as soon as we get in and what happens hits me and we have a little cuddle. I still don't push him on what happened after I left and just blubber on about how shocked I am. BIL calls and I leave the room after i catch the jist of the conversation. I go on mumsnet and obsess over the situation and you guys give me great advice.

Anyway after he explains what happened after I left, he then says something that rocks my world: MIL has gone through a couple of periods of really not liking me and has called BIL2 saying how heartbroken she is that DH married someone who's from such a "different culture". I was born and bred in North London FFS - Yes my parents aren't from here but my dad watched football and liked fish and chips like everyone else FFS. My parents voted, contributed towards the economy and were bloody British too. They just happened to be Jamaican as well. But anyway. She's had a few outbursts over the years but always seems to go back to "well anyway whats done is done and I don't mind her anyway.....". BIL1 has never been witness to this and BIL2 just kept this between him and his wife because he didn't want to "shit stir". They thought she was just being erratic.

DH then goes on to say that whilst on the phone BILs wife takes the phone and says when she thinks about it she did hear MIL say to DD "stop talking like that talk like a nice girl" when DD playfully put on a Jamaican accent. Sometimes she messes about and says "yeahman!" instead of yes. On another occasion when BIL2s wife,MIL, their kids and my DD were at the park she head MIL say "oh dear you are getting awfully dark this summer aren't you?" to DD as she was applying her sun screen.

The reason DH was on the phone for so long is because they were going back and forth about why we weren't bloody told. BIL2s wife didn't even tell BIL2 she heard this and just shrugged it off as old lady silliness but felt compelled to share it after this afternoons lunch showdown. BIL2 was apologising endlessly saying had he known what his wife had heard he would have said something as it's clearly not batty old people talk and a pattern. Both BIL2 and wife are distraught after hearing what went down and regret keeping what they heard quiet as they both thought they were isolated incidents but obviously weren't. By now my head is thumping - thinking about my poor DD.

DH is saying we need to sit down DD and have a gentle gentle chat to see if nanny has said anything else while we weren't there.

I refused to get in the car but he has left anyway and is literally the angriest I've ever ever ever ever ever seen him. I was nervous about him driving.

I feel betrayed by BILS and his wife
I feel betrayed by FIL
I feel stupid for thinking she's keep it to the odd comment in my presence
I feel stupid for not shutting her down harshly and threatening NC in the hospital with DD in my arms
I feel scared for what damage she may have done to DD
I feel guilty and disgusting for failing DD

I am sorry you are going through this but so glad your DH is supporting you and protecting your DCs. My mother's racist comment about DS, her own 8mo grandchild, was the final straw in deciding to go NC and I have not regretted it for a minute. Be strong.

Please remember that this is all your MILs doing. BIL/SIL probably just had a WTF moment as they were isolated comments.

Thinking of you Rock. I imagine whatever conversation is going on right now is really hard, but it sounds to me as if the scales may have fallen from DH's eyes. I also get the impression that MIL, in defending herself to his siblings, may well dig herself into a deeper hole. I know this process is traumatic but change hurts, and you are changing the world for your children. You should be really seriously proud of yourself. Any splits that happen are her fault not yours. You are a hero.