To think MIL is not racist....but so f*cking ignorant & shouldn't be around DCs

[rockacrybaby]

I have a very mixed family but am more or less black. Coffee coloured. DH is white. Race has never been an issue on either side but his damn mother keeps on saying the most infuriating things and DH and FIL keeps on shrugging it off as "she's just from a different time/ it's just silly ignorance"

When I think about what my family has been through I just cannot dismiss it as such. I've done the whole "Oh come on" polite speech but she just laughs me off as being defensive: "Oh I don't mean you, you're different"

Examples:

On DD1 when she was just born: "Oh, she's beautiful - not even as dark as I expected."

A conversation about an advert urging people to foster BAME kids: "Yes well of course more of them are in the system they just don't value family as much as other people do they?"

On first meeting me : "Oh you're quite well spoken"

On me straightening DD1s hair as a one off for a special occasion: "Her hair is so much prettier like this - so much less unruly"

On DD saying "I'm from Jamaica!" because her nanna is from there and we just got back from a trip and she's proud of her mixed heritage : "Oh but not that much darling"

On black lives matter : "Why are they so angry? If you behave like a hooligan you will be treated as such"

It really upsets me and I don't want my DCs hearing this shit. Yes their dad is white but they are still people of colour and I don't want them growing up hearing the shit I heard which made me feel inferior at times.....from their own damn grandma!!!

I don't even want them thinking about bloody race but it's like she cant help herself from making comments which subtly remind them that they are different from their blond haired blue eyes cousins. They are subtle and not all the time but enough to plant a seed.

Told DH MIL's comments aren't getting better and I'd I refuse to fight with her about it. I've addressed her comments nicely several times and she just laughs me off. DH is being useless. Seems to think that because she's not in the KKK its all petty.

I don't know what to do.

She has hurt you and I'm sorry for being insensitive for saying try to be calm, it is easy for me to say. I'm not surprised it has brought the past back. If you can keep posting about it here I think it can help as it sounds like other people have similar experiences.

It sounds like your mum was quite intuitive and she gave her a bad feeling.

oh she's a racist with bells on! ligher is better etc.

She's damaging to her GKs by downplaying their heritage and colour and trying to disassociate them with the "bad type" that she talks about with predjudice by complimenting their lightness and your well spokenness

She's not your problem though, your OH is. I'ld be more annoyed at him than at her for not seeing it and reacting to it

It's difficult. People often have very rigid views that they refuse to let go of. It seems like her nasty views are part of her identity. It's her responsibility to educate herself. You've been polite,kind and patient for a long time by the sounds of it.

She is deluded. Has she not heard of the Stephen Lawrence case that was mired in racism ? Racial abuse is certainly not a thing of the past and she is a shining example of that. No idea of the advantages white people have by the sounds of it either. The blaming people for the racism they are on the recieving end of is vile. She needs to wake up soon and stop tantrumming.

rock she might be super educated but she's flipping ignorant! I'm fuming for you and your DC.

I feel for you. Going against the in laws causes massive headaches within a marriage. Walls go up and rarely do they come down.

On MN although the advice is brilliant in RL it does not factor in how the consequences will play out.

If you tackle her and there is a falling out life will be very uncomfortable, as would be telling her she's a racist.

I would try to put the responsibility here in your husbands hands - don't leave his side, if she makes a comment then he needs to be super quick with a response and challenge it there and then if possible (maybe take her to a different room)

Of course you can go in all guns blazing but this approach as far as the in laws go isn't the best one in terms of future harmony which you do seem to want to reserve.

I feel for you. Going against the in laws causes massive headaches within a marriage. Walls go up and rarely do they come down.

^ This. This is what I'm dreading. DH supports me now but he loves him mum.....will he be so supportive when it's Christmas and he misses being at his mums, eating free range organic turkey as I pick at tofu and cranberry sauce?? Will he be supportive when it's mothers day? I'm happy that he stood by me but this is going to be an ongoing thing until she renounces her views which is never going to happen. I'm a bit weary that he will say; "It's been 5 months....maybe she's just set in her ways". Yes I'm speculating but its a fear never the less. I'm sorry to be so blunt but I understand when people say divorce is like a death. The family split up today and nothing will ever be the same again. She won't go down with out a fight. Actually - she won't bloody go down!!!!!!

I think this approach is fine. Noone went in 'all guns blazing' by the sounds of it. OP certainly didn't. Walls would have been far more likely to go up if the husband had continued to not say anything, quite likely. The only one posing a barrier to future harmony is mum in law. Openly telling a racist they are racist and no longer politely taking their shit is fine. Her life may be uncomfortable without son and grandkids in it. As an adult, she knows full well she is in the wrong andhow to rectify it.

People should not have to politely tolerate racism. Fuck that.

Rock. If that happens, it'll be because of her not you.

And he wouldn't just be doing it for you, he'ld be doing it for his kids, and because it's just not okay to condone racism by sitting there and letting it go by unchallenged on front of your kids

and I've had a few mother inlaw problems, but I don't think they are comparable to experiencing vile racism as op has

and I don't want to invade DH's privacy but he's still on the phone to BIL. What in the name of fuck are they discussing? I'm so fucking scared that some nasty stuff is going to come out of the woodwork. I'm imagining loads of stuff she's said behind our backs being exposed. I'm sure of it. It's going to make stuff 10x worse. I can cope with a hair comment.....even with a back handed mild shadist comment.....but if i hear she's said anything other than the hair comment in front of my kids I will drive over there kick her door down and strangle her never forgive her or myself.

Am shaking because I'm so nervous. DH (after 90 minutes) just off the phone to BIL. Came in here and said I need to get dressed again as he "just found out some ridiculous shit" and we are going back to in laws house. I said okay Im just reporting everything that's happening on mumsnet sending an email I'll be down in a secound and what the fuck is going on. He said get off the computer and we'll have a chat. Looked livid and troubled. I'm going to vomit. Will update later. Thanks everyone for advice, honesty and kind words. Wish me luck. This is turning into the sunday from damn hell. What was meant to be a conversation ending in MIL being mortified and sorry has turned into an episode of Eastenders. I don't like all this fuss it's giving my anxiety - hence why i've chided her but calmly over the years.

rock when we went NC with MIL (100% DH's choice), he found the first Christmas, Mother's Day and her birthday tough. He is genuinely ok now, 5 years on- I think that the distance has given us both a chance to reflect on just how controlling she is, and how desperately unhappy we were. We talk about it regularly, to check in and see how we're both feeling- I've always said I'll consider starting contact again if he wants to but I won't have it sprung on me.

Obviously you aren't at the NC stage, and you know your DH best, but make sure you keep talking to him. DH and I actually went to see a cojnsellor together to come up with strategies to cope with his family- like leaving immediately and without drama whenever something offensive was said, how to deal with emotional blackmail, etc. It really helped us.

I'm not sure if going back there is a good idea tonight! Home you're ok.

*hope

tell him not to go now, everyone needs to let everything sink in for today, everyone's defenses are up now no good will come from going round today! go tomorrow

Well if you can't stomach it, why did you marry into this family?
Shrug off and don't make it an issue or divorce.
Old people are impossible to change, accept it and deal with it.

What the fuck icing?

Hope you're ok. Was worried re anxiety when you said you felt sick. take care of yourself. x

Please don't think for one minute that I'm trying to marginalise or down play anything that your mil said. She is totally and utterly racist.
However, what I found with the situation with my mother is that knowing I'm right and she's wrong has done nothing for the relationship. Or to abate my pained and angry feelings. Right now you're very upset and angry and in pain. Yes, of course the correct and normal thing would have been to back down.
However, she did not and this is because she just isn't capable of doing that. My mother would have reacted in exactly the same way to the conversation you had. My mother is a narcissist. I suspect your mil is a narcissist too. In any case, your mil is unable to react as an adult, because by the sounds of it, she is very emotionally immature. My mother is about 2 or 3 in some respects emotionally and very very narcissistic.
I explained up thread a little of how I dealt with her and made suggestions of how you could perhaps deal with your mil. Great, you made a start and its normal that all the bottled up pain and anger whooshed out. I must have used the bottling up then anger approach with my mother a thousand times and it never ever worked, not once. The only one, which has worked was to be extremely adult and not get upset, to use the stuck record method and talk about just one issue - even when there are hundreds.
Take some time out, console yourselves. This is unlikely to have severed ties with your mil for good. Getting someone to simply change the way they communicste with you is rarely if ever a one conversation process. And you cannot change what she says, only your reaction. And if your reaction is strong and adult, she will have to listen.

do you need to go? I feel like you've heard enough awful stuff today, can your husband go alone?

Icing , I can't believe you're suggesting that racism should be accepted?

Wow, Icing, wow.

Indeed - this idea of it being OK to make racist comments but say "Not you of course dear" is simply not acceptable. I guess you have the maturity to shrug it of but I can definitely understand that you do not want your children listening to this. I can identify with this a bit as there is a FIL within my wider family who says racist things and it is causing a problem with the children. He says these things in a "nudge-nudge - aren't I naughty way" which is perfectly sickening. I don't envy you this problem.

will he be so supportive when it's Christmas and he misses being at his mums, eating free range organic turkey as I pick at tofu and cranberry sauce?? Will he be supportive when it's mothers day?

Careful OP, you sound dangerously close to feeling guilty about this. This is not your fault, it's hers. You didn't make her racist (and selfish and ignorant).

for you and your DH.

Oh and Icing - here's my very first . Do FTFOTTFSOF.