I have a very mixed family but am more or less black. Coffee coloured. DH is white. Race has never been an issue on either side but his damn mother keeps on saying the most infuriating things and DH and FIL keeps on shrugging it off as "she's just from a different time/ it's just silly ignorance"
When I think about what my family has been through I just cannot dismiss it as such. I've done the whole "Oh come on" polite speech but she just laughs me off as being defensive: "Oh I don't mean you, you're different"
Examples:
On DD1 when she was just born: "Oh, she's beautiful - not even as dark as I expected."
A conversation about an advert urging people to foster BAME kids: "Yes well of course more of them are in the system they just don't value family as much as other people do they?"
On first meeting me : "Oh you're quite well spoken"
On me straightening DD1s hair as a one off for a special occasion: "Her hair is so much prettier like this - so much less unruly"
On DD saying "I'm from Jamaica!" because her nanna is from there and we just got back from a trip and she's proud of her mixed heritage : "Oh but not that much darling"
On black lives matter : "Why are they so angry? If you behave like a hooligan you will be treated as such"
It really upsets me and I don't want my DCs hearing this shit. Yes their dad is white but they are still people of colour and I don't want them growing up hearing the shit I heard which made me feel inferior at times.....from their own damn grandma!!!
I don't even want them thinking about bloody race but it's like she cant help herself from making comments which subtly remind them that they are different from their blond haired blue eyes cousins. They are subtle and not all the time but enough to plant a seed.
Told DH MIL's comments aren't getting better and I'd I refuse to fight with her about it. I've addressed her comments nicely several times and she just laughs me off. DH is being useless. Seems to think that because she's not in the KKK its all petty.
I don't know what to do.
AIBU?
To think MIL is not racist....but so f*cking ignorant & shouldn't be around DCs
rockacrybaby · 30/04/2016 22:01
SwearyKitten I know .....lunch from hell. I confronted her thinking maybe it was simply ignorance which she could be educated about but it turns out she really doesn't care for black people at all. 
Bloody hell, rock, she'd be doing my head in. Comments like 'not as dark as I expected' could be just a neutral remark (like you might make about hair or lack of on a baby) but the jaw-dropping stuff makes me think that it wasn't meant neutrally.
I'm very pleased your DH stood up to her, and I hope something good comes out of the current ructions. 
I'm so sorry rock. Like you say- at least you know now, and you can react accordingly. I don't enjoy what happened with my MIL, it was/is horrendous, but in a strange way it was a relief when she finally showed her true colours. There was always nastiness lurking just below the surface, but we couldn't work out what was going on - if she was really being malicious or just thoughtless. When she nailed her colours to the mast we knew what we were dealing with, which was very painful, but we could discuss how to deal with it.
I wouldn't speak to her for a couple of days at least. Let the dust settle and talk to your DH about what you'd both like to do. Do not let her drive a wedge between you, stay united on this. And don't let her force you into meeting etc until you're ready (my MIL tried "I need to see you to explain" but it was actually "I need to see you to make you agree with me"). for you.
She's a racist.
My MIL insists she's not racist but once told me she's glad her son didn't marry a black person 
I argued what difference would it make if my skin was a different colour to his? I'd still be the same person, I'd just look different than I do right now. She's a racist too.
Don't put up with it. A warning though - your DH will always try and mediate and be equally on both sides. It will not be easy to have him completely on your side. My DH often says things like "it's just her generation" and " she doesn't mean to be offensive" which personally I think is no excuse whatsoever.
Your poor kids don't need to be hearing that kind of crap - it will subtly chip away at their sense of self-worth if they think their own grandma would love them more if they were white or disapproves of people of colour in any way.
Flowers for you in such a difficult situation
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