To think this is an antiquated form of address?

[nomoreheroes]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I received a letter today addressed to "Mr and Mrs D nomoreheroes". D being my husband's initial. While it did concern both of us, it was in response to an application I had made; so why not Mrs nomoreheroes and Mr nomoreheroes (in that order ) or just Mrs? I realise I probably can't call myself a card carrying feminist as I go by Mrs and have taken my husband's surname but I do believe in equality and neither my husband or I are "the boss" in this relationship. He'd have expected the letter to be addressed to me alone or both of us equally.
I'm not that bothered - well maybe a little miffed to be fair - but it just looks weird in 2016. AIBU?

Oh, I read her saying "it was a little old-fashioned"? (first post).

I agree Mrs DH DHsurname is rude unless a woman has specifically told you she prefers it.

I saw Mx for the first time recently. I suppose I'd like it to catch on. It would help me out when people have unisex/foreign names and I don't know whether they're Miss/Ms/Mrs/Mr.

Dear Sirs doesn't bother me but Dear Sir might a little bit.

Harlot I am not in my 80's, I am in my 50's and all the Christmas cards we receive from friends of a similar age are addressed in the same way ie Mr&MrsDHinitialDHsurname. Yes we are clearly all old fossils as we still post good old fashioned Christmas cards too

Evening all
Could be worse you could be known by the name of a website.
I had to award myself a title

President Olivia? Shouldn't that be Prime Minister?

I've changed my name on some things but not others, for instance not changed at the bank and I absolutely love the fact that our joint savings account has my initial, his initial then MY surname . Feels like a minor victory (against who I'm not sure). As I still use my family name quite regularly, on occasion DH has been referred to as Mr myname - it doesn't actually seem to bother him. I asked if he would like to change it officially - got this look

In answer to your question it's really old fashioned and a bit offensive imo.

That's nice bigbluebus, but as we don't know each other ILR it hardly refutes what I said about the people I know. Perhaps the middle aged people I know are particularly forward thinking. Either way, hopefully it will be helpful for you to learn why it wouldn't be an automatic assumption for a woman getting married and changing her name.

Also, you seem to be confused by what constitutes being a fossil, although to be fair you're not the only one. Nobody has suggested that using your own preferred form of address and doing the same for other people makes you a fossil, even if the term you and they like is the old fashioned one dating from women were chattel. It is the assumption that your preferred mode of address is correct, for all married couples regardless of preference, because Debretts says so. That is what makes one a fossil, and more besides. Understand the distinction, and don't wear the cap if it doesn't fit.

Being a fossil, I was taught that you address a married couple as Mr and Mrs Husband's initial Surname, and widow as Mrs Her initial Surname. Also the eldest daughter is simply Miss Surname, and subsequent daughters are Missing FirstnameFirstname Surname.

However, I did once have the delight of addressing a letter to Detective Inspector and the Reverend Mrs Surname.

"It's the correct form of address if you've chosen to take your DH's name".
No, I only took his surname. I didn't take his first name.
I have my own name that is my first name and a surname I share with my DH.
It would be the height of rudeness to refer to me as a name that is not my own.

clearly, a lot of women do not want to be addressed as Mrs John Smith.

So why risk that some of your friends are in the same camp? I haven't heard that people who consider this form correct, would be offended if they're addressed as Mr and Mrs Smith or John and Jane Smith. Sounds like a more reasonable option, no?

Believe me Harlot I am definitely NOT chattel regardless of the fact that I have no problem with being addressed in what I consider to be the 'traditional' manner. I definitely wear the trousers in this house
I have also never read Debretts. My assumption is based on the fact that no one has ever requested that they be addressed differently, nor was I previously aware that people might be offended by being addressed in this way. As they say "every day's a school day"

I tagged DH's name onto mine when we got married. What I didn't think about is my name is one that can be a first or last name. Most people get it but a few thought I was being super traditional and actually referring to myself as Mrs DH's first and last names.

I had it from the bank once so I wrote back and complained that they had put DH's EXW's name on my account, and she didn't even have an account with the bank so how exactly had they managed to get her name on my documents

It is antiquated and sexist but it is still the formally 'correct' way to address something to a married couple.

I don't know anyone of my generation who uses it in general correspondence though. Most just use Mr and Mrs Surname (unless it is an automated letter from a workplace).

My mum insists on address all post to my husband me to "Mr and Mrs X Surname", or "Mr and Mrs Xname Surname" with X being my husband's initial and Xname being his first name. It drives me mad as I haven't taken his surname!! The least she could do, if she can't respect that, is respect the fact I have my own first name and initial. Grrrr! I swear she does it on purpose as she refuses to acknowledge I didn't take my husband's name as she disagreed with my choice. (My in-laws address us as Mr and Mrs Surname, which I tolerate as I don't want to make a big deal of 'rejecting' the surname they think I share. But even they don't use my husband's initial or first name).

If Debretts say that people should be addressed in the way that they want to be, that's fine by me. I want to be called Barbara Seville.

What I don't want is to have the 'is it miss, Mrs or Ms' every time I give my name but if we are insisting on titles then Ms should be the default for women unless they specify otherwise.

I agree it's antiquated but 'correct', just like you don't become Lady yourfirstname or Princess yourfirstname by marriage. You are only Husbandssurname by marriage, not in your own right. An excellent reason to keep your own name if you needed one (although tbf you got that from your Father )

Because I'm a common er I googled Debretts it was first published in 1780 odd where a wife was seen as her husband s property so maybe the whole Mrs husband surname is a teeny tiny bit out dated

For anyone older, it is (was it seems) the correct way to address someone.
Mrs John Smith
Mrs Sarah Smith meant she was divorced

So if anyone older uses these forms no offence is intended.

Wow! You leave a thread for a couple of hours and miss all the excitement! Thanks all for your views, genuinely interesting and it's helped me set straight in my own mind why this seems wrong to me. As a matter of interest, I mentioned it in passing to my husband (who is older than me in age and attitude ) and he also thought it was weirdly old fashioned. So there. The man has spoken.

Very common until around the 90's/00's tbh. I've had to tell my mum that if they have the same surname it needs to be both initials i.e.Mr D and Mrs M Surnane. She was out out by it but I insisted, she's 72.

Just checked Debretts online for how to address a wedding invitation and found this gem:

Doctor(s) (John Debrett is a medical doctor. This form of address applies even if the wife is a medical doctor): Dr and Mrs John Debrett (invitation), Mrs John Debrett (envelope).

Debretts is so out of date now it is laughable.

I get cards from DP's mother addressed to WhatTheFrog DPSurname. We aren't married. It drives me mad.

I still wish someone would tell me why they think it is "correct". I do keep asking.

And Debretts, denying a Dr her title, profession, qualification, status! Fuck that! It would be funny, if only it were.

It is an ancient mode of address and deserves to be extinct... I seem to remember you would only be Mrs husbands initial husbands surname til his death then you reverted to your initial?? Or some such nonsense...!

Seems as antiquated as the signing off on letters I recently read...

' I remain sir, your obedient servant,'!

I agree it is the "correct" form of address, but it has become almost obsolete. Amongst other things, I was taught to use Mr and Mrs John Smith, and John Smith, Esq (short for Esquire for those who are not as ancient as wot I am), when I did a Pitman's secretarial course in the early Eighties. I think with the advent and ubiquity of pc's and people doing their own letter-writing without having a secretary to dictate to/type up correspondence with two carbon copies/correct them, everyone just does their own thing.

OP, is your username from the video game?

I don't think yabu.