To think this is an antiquated form of address?

[nomoreheroes]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I received a letter today addressed to "Mr and Mrs D nomoreheroes". D being my husband's initial. While it did concern both of us, it was in response to an application I had made; so why not Mrs nomoreheroes and Mr nomoreheroes (in that order ) or just Mrs? I realise I probably can't call myself a card carrying feminist as I go by Mrs and have taken my husband's surname but I do believe in equality and neither my husband or I are "the boss" in this relationship. He'd have expected the letter to be addressed to me alone or both of us equally.
I'm not that bothered - well maybe a little miffed to be fair - but it just looks weird in 2016. AIBU?

Yes, it's entirely antiquated. You always get a fossil poster or two helpfully chiming in that it's technically correct because Debretts, which in this case proves the point rather neatly. And people who think it's totes unimportant, so much so that they post to tell us how much it doesn't matter. But the more threads there are like this, the better, because the more people read the more they'll realise it's inappropriate and that will push the custom of automatically addressing a married couple in this way further towards the grave where it belongs.

I agree Harlot, it was a previous thread that made me stop doing it.

Lots of things may be technically correct - but unacceptable!
Several decades ago people put up with it, but no reason why we should.
I did take dh's name; that was 40 years ago, tho.
I was quietly pleased this morning to get a letter from Nationwide BS, addressed to Mrs A O Mouse & Mr hisinitials Mouse. I must have been carrying my card when we opened that account!

I am common obviously i dont know what Debretts is

I write: Mr X and Mrs Y Surname. Of course, that puts the man first ... I need to put that right!

There's a new title in town - Mx. Use it to address Mrs, Miss, Ms, Master, Mister - ie everyone who's not royal or a prof or doctor etc. No I don't know how to pronounce it.

I was pleased to see it appear on the Royal Mail online postage site that I use for sending parcels to strangers, as I often don't know their sex.

Baby steps, all adding up.
.

I quite like it

Maybe because we've only been married a year.

I mean, I HATE what it means, and I'd HATE to be addressed as 'Mr and Mrs A ThinkPink' by any official body - but when it's my mum, or his, or a friend - it's nice.

And I'm a feminist!

Perfectly correct, good manners, especially if an official letter and nothing wrong with it!
There is a reason why some of these "more traditional" forms of address have not been replaced by anything more "modern" Mostly it is to do with clarity and lack of ambiguity.

In a society in which 30% of the women getting married each year keep their own names, there is neither clarity nor lack of ambiguity in insisting on using this form of address. Unless specifically told it's ok by the couple themselves, of course. It's also terribly poor manners because, as well as the aforementioned 30%, there are lots of married women who change their names who still don't like it. You're almost guaranteed to cause offence. If a person uses the form of address without knowing this, it's understandable, but when one has learned how many people find it inappropriate and persists in doing it anyway, that's simply appalling form. Indeed, even Debretts advises using the terms people wish to be addressed by!

Exactly whoknows and you're not the only one. If each thread educates only one person, that's a wonderful start.

I love it.

Old fossil.

My mother is honestly the only person who addresses letters to me as Mrs

For her, it's about showing off that you are actually, decently, respectably married. Its all she has ever wanted for me. I tried explaining that I didn't change my family name when i got married. She is not convinced. Fortunately her handwriting is distinctive so i usually spot her letters. Sigh.

Everyone else, does me the courtesy of using the name I give them.

It is NOT polite.

Debretts is NOT a rule book. It's a poor quality style guideline. A style which is irrelevant and fading away.

It is INCORRECT to use the wrong initial when addressing someone.

Anyone on this thread who claims to address people in this way should learn some manners and appropriate writing skills.

There is no clarity and lack of amiguity in addressing someone by the wrong name. Quite the opposite in fact.

Whereas Jane and John Brown is perfectly clear.

Mostly it is to do with clarity and lack of ambiguity

How is addressing me as Mrs J Paranoid when my name is Mrs B Paranoid clear or unambiguous?

It is the correct form of address though, for a married couple with the same surname and when neither has another title.

I confirm that I am "a fossil"!

Sorry para that was to the OP.

What's with all this 'correct' nonsense? It may be traditional, but that does not make it correct.

I suppose one could argue it says something clear and unambiguous about the person using it indeterminately for married couples...

80smum I'd be interested to hear why you feel it's the correct form of address in that scenario. Not just a correct form, but the correct form. The best anyone has managed to come up with so far is Debretts, which is an irrelevance.

I'd presume anyone using it was an idiot.

I have a couple of relatives on MY side of the family who send my birthday card to Mrs DH SharedSurname and joint cards to Mr & Mrs DH SharedSurname and I really don't mind. I am In my mid (okay latish) 40s and was always taught that that was the correct form of address as 'Mrs' is 'the wife of' so the correct initial to use would be the husbands. I was also taught that when sending cards from the two of us the husbands name is written first and I do always do that too. I know I'm old fashioned....

Absolutely hate this. My mum does it to me despite being very modern and a slightly old-fashioned friend does too.

I address envelopes to "HerFirstname and HisFirstname" (e.g. "Jane and John"). If it's an older couple I might add the surname or put "The SharedSurnames" ("The Smiths"). It doesn't seem to confuse the Post Office unduly and is perfectly polite.

I'm also late 40s and never sign off cards with DH's firstname first, that would feel really strange.

Thanks harlot for calling me a fossil. Bit rude!
We simply have differing opinions. No need for personal insults.

And btw, I didn't change my name on marriage, am not called Mrs, but still prefer to use the correct form when called for.

It isn't correct to call someone by the wrong initial though.