To think this is an antiquated form of address?

[nomoreheroes]

Long time lurker, first time poster. I received a letter today addressed to "Mr and Mrs D nomoreheroes". D being my husband's initial. While it did concern both of us, it was in response to an application I had made; so why not Mrs nomoreheroes and Mr nomoreheroes (in that order ) or just Mrs? I realise I probably can't call myself a card carrying feminist as I go by Mrs and have taken my husband's surname but I do believe in equality and neither my husband or I are "the boss" in this relationship. He'd have expected the letter to be addressed to me alone or both of us equally.
I'm not that bothered - well maybe a little miffed to be fair - but it just looks weird in 2016. AIBU?

I assume you were asking me dead! To be honest, it never crossed my mind that people would be offended by rules of grammar so until this thread I'd never so much as given it a second thought.

The reason I say I don't identify myself particularly as a feminist is because I just think we are (or should be) equal in status and opportunity.

As a working definition of feminism, a belief in equality is a pretty good place to start.

I just don't open the mail as its not addressed to me

Likewise. If something arrives addressed to “Dear Sir” I bin it unread. It’s nothing to do with me. And anyone who thinks it is inconsequential might want to consider a world in which things routinely turn up addressed to “Dear Madam” as if that encompasses the entire human population instead of just 50% of it.

I also bin anything addressed to Miss or Mrs. If I have to have a title, it’s either Dr or Ms. Horse-riding friends of mine quite often use my horse’s name as my last name, which I quite like. (It’s not uncommon amongst horse owners, you often don’t know someone’s official last name so you distinguish Jane from other Jane by referring to them as Jane Dobbin and Jane Neddy).

I'm not married and go by Ms but occasionally get things addressed to Mr and Mrs Dp's Surname, or just Mrs Dp's Surname. Our dd's surname is double-barrelled (DD myname-hisname) and sometimes gets things addressed to Dd Dp's surname. I am offended by all of those, if I got addressed by dp's initial as well I'd hit the roof.

I don't care if some old rules say it's correct. There are lots of old grammatical rules that aren't in use anymore. Times change and failure to recognise that is rude.

It stems from traditions many many years ago when "Mrs" was seen as the appropriate title for an adult woman whether married or not. So you had Mrs Smith the housekeeper, Mrs Spoon the cook - who were not married but were called Mrs as a mark of respect, the "Miss" title being seen as for younger girls.

Mrs. John Smith was the wife or widow of Mr. John Smith; Mrs. Jane Smith was the ex-wife of Mr. Smith - and women in the day were encouraged to retain their "Mrs" title even when no longer married because there was a significant stigma attached to unmarried mothers.

Personally I agree with KindDogs - in that marriage for me was a celebration of old fashioned traditions that were important to both me and my husband. Part of those traditions involved changing my name to his (plus I wanted us to have the same last name as our future children). I am more than happy to be addressed as Mrs. DHInitial FamilyName as that is one of the titles I became entitled to on marriage. I see "Mrs DHInitial FamilyName" as a title and not a name in much in the same way that "Princess William of Wales" is a title and not a name.

It's nothing to do with grammar. It's a convention of etiquette and a very outmoded one.

"The reason I say I don't identify myself particularly as a feminist is because I just think we are (or should be) equal in status and opportunity."

Genuine question: what do you think a feminist is, OP?

I always address letters/cards to married couples as
Mr and Mrs A. Whatever.

Didn't realise I was offending anyone
By the way I'm only in my late 30s!

When addressing married gay men, always be sure to use the initial belonging to the "top". If unsure, ask them.

I don't know how we can deal with the pace of change in 2016. My mother and my husband's aunt were both upset when they were widowed to be addressed as Mrs (their own initial) instead of their late husband's initial - In old school signalling this suggested they were divorced. I try to think about who I am addressing and second guess - by generation - what they'd prefer but it's tricky. I would say that the old etiquette conveyed more information. So you knew (as above) if someone was divorced married etc etc but the flaw is that it was all sexist so the pendulum has swung. When addressing two women married to each other I use 'Mesdames' B&C Smith and to two doctors Drs B&C Smith, two men Messrs, I think it's all about giving as much info' as possible. Actually Debrett's is quite up to date with all the options. Will never sit well with the everyone though and will no doubt die a death in the next generation. Happyhearts - so do my children including the gay one! You either enjoy the history and form or you reject it, anything goes I guess ;(

We have a rule at Christmas time that any cards addressed to mr and Mrs dh initial our surname get opened by me. And then we share the opening of any others addressed more politely. It has irked me that my initial became irrelevant to some people the day I got married since my wedding day and I get more and more cross about it with each passing year..... The fact that some people still insist it is 'correct' is so utterly utterly baffling to me..... Recently dh and I were invited to a formal thing as dh's formal title and Mrs dh initial our surname but another couple we know where the woman has he official title were addressed as mr his initial and her formal title her initial their surname. He was still first! I pointed out to them that because he was lucky enough to have a penis he was lucky enough to be recognised by his actual name. They are quite elderly and were quite shocked by my candid point but totally got it!! They mentioned it to the people doing the inviting!!

It may be a little old fashioned but it is also correct. (See Debretts etc)

This is like Mumsent Goodwin's law. Anyone mentions how to address a married woman and someone trots out Debretts within 10 posts. Debretts isn't some infallible holy text that must not be questioned ever. It is merely a reflection of the mores of the editor of Debretts.

It's not really so hard:

Ms. Jane Smith and Mr. John Smith
Address, etc.

If names are too long, put them on separate lines.

People do this for DH and me because I do not have his surname. It's not difficult.

Seneca amen to that.

Write the name(s) of the people you are sending the letter to. Use the title they use in their everyday life if you really must and then write the address. Dead easy.

Fortunately we both have the same first initial, so not a worry here :)