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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is an antiquated form of address?

289 replies

nomoreheroes · 28/04/2016 15:20

Long time lurker, first time poster. I received a letter today addressed to "Mr and Mrs D nomoreheroes". D being my husband's initial. While it did concern both of us, it was in response to an application I had made; so why not Mrs nomoreheroes and Mr nomoreheroes (in that order ) or just Mrs? I realise I probably can't call myself a card carrying feminist as I go by Mrs and have taken my husband's surname but I do believe in equality and neither my husband or I are "the boss" in this relationship. He'd have expected the letter to be addressed to me alone or both of us equally.
I'm not that bothered - well maybe a little miffed to be fair - but it just looks weird in 2016. AIBU?

OP posts:
Bagatelle1 · 28/04/2016 19:17

Sorry - above should say "It's the correct form of address if you've chosen to take your DH's name".

HarlotBronte · 28/04/2016 19:18

You have no business lecturing others about rudeness if you place Debretts above what other people are telling you is wrong and unacceptable KitKatCustard. That attitude went out with the Ark: calling someone who persists in this attiutude even after being educated on the matter a fossil is simply accuracy. If anything, it's rather too kind. By definition, such poor etiquette automatically renders you unfit to give an opinion on manners.

HarlotBronte · 28/04/2016 19:22

There are much bigger problems in the world than virtually everything that gets posted about on MN bigbluebus, but given that you don't post on every thread stating that this particular wedding/parking/BLW matter isn't the biggest problem the world's ever seen, you might usefully take the same approach here. As for the rest, I didn't take my husband's name, obviously, but I'd be interested to hear what you base your 'surely' on.

lulucappuccino · 28/04/2016 19:24

It's as rude as "Dear Sirs," on business correspondence, when the letter writer doesn't know who'll be receiving it.

lulucappuccino · 28/04/2016 19:24

Precisely, Harlot.

Katiepoes · 28/04/2016 19:25

KitKatCustard how could it possibly be polite or correct to address someone by a name not theirs? Debretts or the 'way you were brought up'? is that the best argument you have? I would put letters so addressed back in the post with 'Not at this address' should I receive one - which I won't as I live in 2016 and a world that has moved on from such nonsense. Your definition of polite gives me a name I do not have, my choice is not yours but is still valid, you ignoring that is rude.

Of course you may be writing letters to the Lady looking for a situation for a respectable person at 2 and 6 a week, in which case carry on.

Bagatelle1 · 28/04/2016 19:33

Here's an example of when it would be polite to use this form of address: I prefer being addressed as Mrs [DH's initial] Bagatelle.

I hope that Lulu, Harlot etc would practice what they preach and use this form if ever corresponding with me.

DiseasesOfTheSheep · 28/04/2016 19:36

If a major door for a charity was addressed like that, they'd find it ridiculous

Well yes... How would one deduce the sex or marital status of a door anyway...

I hate the whole titles business. Fortunately, I can now avoid it, but it's really fraught with issues - traditional correctness vs archaic misogyny etc.

Buzzardbird · 28/04/2016 19:38

It's also very rude to pile on one poster and not allow them to have an opinion!

StillRabbit · 28/04/2016 19:41

At secretarial college I was taught that for married couples (unless told otherwise) it should be Mr & Mrs DH SharedSurname, but these days I use Mr DH & Mrs DW SharedSurname if I have the initials or just Mr & Mrs SharedSurname if I don't.

Personally I hate being addressed as Ms UNLESS the person addressing me as such doesn't know that I am actually Mrs. I just asked my daughter (18 next month) and she prefers Miss and, currently, expects to be Mrs HusbandsSurname if she ever marries. I asked her about 'Mx' and she is under the impression that it is used by transgender people.

bigbluebus · 28/04/2016 19:42

Harlot I agree I probably could apply that theory to most threads on MN but I'm too busy dealing with 1st world problems to bother - I just happened to post it on this one.
As regards to my use of the word surely I was merely stating that if you have chosen to take your husband's surname then that is the way that you might expect to be addressed as it is the way many people will have been taught - including myself. As you have not chosen to take your DH's name I have already said that this should be respected and you should be addressed using your own surname so I don't know what you are gettting at.

LunaLoveg00d · 28/04/2016 19:43

I hate it too and think it's very old fashioned. If I were writing to friend (hardly ever, Christmas cards mostly), I'd put "Adam and Ann Jones" on the envelope.

gilmoregirl · 28/04/2016 19:43

I live in a flat and we have brass plaques with our names on our doors. I have just my surname "Gilmore" my ninety-something neighbours have his first initial and their surname 'R Smith" (he is R, she is J) which I have always thought odd.

I didn't realise it was to do with only the man being considered important enough to have a first name Grin

Seems v sexist and outdated to me.

Katiepoes · 28/04/2016 19:50

Baagatell1 that is the point - I use that old form on things like Christmas cards to the people that use it themselves - I don't force a different name on them, so why do it to me? It's not hard to remember...Ms (unless told otherwise) and person's name, be it partner's surname or the one they've had since birth.

HarlotBronte · 28/04/2016 19:51

Naturally bagatelle. You can call youself Khaleesi Banana Trevor McBumface if you like, it's a free country, and it would only be polite to address you in the manner you've requested. There's been nothing in any of my posts to suggest I wouldn't take this attitude, but hopefully my confirmation provides you with any further reassurance you might want.

You 'just happened' eh bigbluebus. Most convincing. But thank you for explaining your 'surely', you've done more than many of the people who automatically presume it's a correct form of address. I hope this thread has shown you, though, that it's far from universal for even a woman who changed her name on marriage to be addressed as Mrs Husbandsfirstname Husbandssurname. It really is something that has gone out of fashion, especially amongst younger women. I would genuinely never have expected to be addressed in that manner if I'd changed my husband's name, I really don't think younger women automatically would. The only people I know who still think it's correct are in their 80s, even the middle agers don't do it. This is why I wanted to know why you thought a namechanged married woman would 'surely' be happy.

HarlotBronte · 28/04/2016 20:01

Just took a moment to google HNWI, which gave me the biggest laugh I've had on the thread so far. Of course it makes total sense that someone who thinks Debretts is relevant would also think the behaviour of the very rich actually assists in their argument! Like ooh, if someone's got money they must be right. High net worth individuals serve as an example to us all! Bet you're rethinking the antiquated thing as we speak OP...

Topseyt · 28/04/2016 20:01

I hate this, though I don't tend to openly make a fuss if it does happen.

I did take my DH's surname after marriage. However, I did not become him or take on his whole identity. Nor did I suddenly become a possession of his. I want to be addressed with my own first name. He is addressed with his.

In fact, the only people I know who ever address post to us in this way are my parents. To them it was always the done thing. They are in their eighties now and lovely parents. It just isn't worth a falling out so as they are the only ones I just let it be.

ParanoidGynodroid · 28/04/2016 20:02

I'm not recently married (if that was directed at me). I'm 47 and have been married 23 years.
I'm still waiting for someone to tell me why calling me my husbands name is "correct".

He'd be just as irked if someone called him mine.

lulucappuccino · 28/04/2016 20:07

Why on earth would any self-respecting women choose to be addressed by her husband's initial/name?

lulucappuccino · 28/04/2016 20:08

Bagatellle?

JewryMember · 28/04/2016 20:09

What did you agree to do in your wedding vows?

lulucappuccino · 28/04/2016 20:11

What?

Buzzardbird · 28/04/2016 20:12

Well I'm as poor as a church mouse and still was brought up to use the antiquated way of addressing an envelope. KitKat wasn't incorrect in what she stated.

I have just received a wedding invitation addressed to Mr&Mrs Husband'soldnamebeforehechangedit10yearsago! I don't have the same surname, I managed not to hyperventilate about it. They were just being formal.

I have sent the RSVP back addressed from Mr Newname and Mrs completelydifferentname. They will now know for any further correspondence. No biggy.

lulucappuccino · 28/04/2016 20:16

She was wrong to suggest that it's polite in 2016.

ParanoidGynodroid · 28/04/2016 20:16

Is there anything about adopting your husband's name in wedding vows, Jewry?
I think not!