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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think this is an antiquated form of address?

289 replies

nomoreheroes · 28/04/2016 15:20

Long time lurker, first time poster. I received a letter today addressed to "Mr and Mrs D nomoreheroes". D being my husband's initial. While it did concern both of us, it was in response to an application I had made; so why not Mrs nomoreheroes and Mr nomoreheroes (in that order ) or just Mrs? I realise I probably can't call myself a card carrying feminist as I go by Mrs and have taken my husband's surname but I do believe in equality and neither my husband or I are "the boss" in this relationship. He'd have expected the letter to be addressed to me alone or both of us equally.
I'm not that bothered - well maybe a little miffed to be fair - but it just looks weird in 2016. AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
nomoreheroes · 29/04/2016 08:21

Oh god, badlad I've just Googled and no, definitely not from the video game! It originally comes from a song of the same name by The Stranglers (which I can't link to but it's on YouTube). Blush

OP posts:
Original poster
nomoreheroes · 29/04/2016 08:22

I might have to name change actually if that's the first thing that comes to people's minds!

OP posts:
BadLad · 29/04/2016 08:36

I think it will only be a handful of others besides me, if any at all, who think of the game, so I wouldn't worry.

AdoraBell · 29/04/2016 08:51

I thought of the song OP , but then I don't 'do' video games.

mollie123 · 29/04/2016 09:07

barbara did you really mean to write that
Therefore it absolutely is an important issue. OK not on a scale of the EU referendum or the war in Syria but something that effects over half the population and treats them in a different (inferior) way to men.
You do realise this non-issue does not 'affect' half the population Hmm
Lots of us do not really care whether it says Mrs and Mr, Mr and Mrs, Ms, Mrs, Mr and Mr, Mrs and Mrs or none of the above and there are a lot of single women out there who are not in any way 'affected'
Sometimes mumsnet and its angst over trivial things (which are really not important) astounds me Shock

AppleSetsSail · 29/04/2016 09:16

Obviously much rests with how socially conservative your circle is. I suspect mine is 'very' based on this thread alone.

I get a fair few Christmas cards from the US, where I think this practice is indeed fading - they're often Husband and Apple Sail.

Conversely, when we (for example) host a dinner party/send a wedding gift and the thank you notes arrive, they are universally Mr. and Mrs. John Sail.

moonlight1705 · 29/04/2016 09:39

And to ask something else about etiquette - what about emails and addressing people in them?

I have always been taught that emails are more informal correspondence. I had a complaint email at work and the person signed themselves as FirstName LastName so when responding I emailed back with Dear FirstName...

I had a very swift email back to tell me how appalling it was that I used their first name and didn't I have any manners!

lulucappuccino · 29/04/2016 09:57

Everyone saying it's"correct" is plain wrong.

It was once thought that the earth is flat. We now know that's incorrect.

Justifying using DH name/initial by saying that's how you were taught years ago isn't a reasonable excuse.

It's wrong. It looks foolish, thoughtless and ill-educated.

motherinferior · 29/04/2016 09:59

It was old-fashioned and offensive back in the 1970s when I was a girl.

AppleSetsSail · 29/04/2016 09:59

It looks foolish, thoughtless and ill-educated.

To you.

KatharinaRosalie · 29/04/2016 10:04

moonlight1705 I would address email as Dear Firstname, if they had signed the email as 'Firstname' only.

Pedestriana · 29/04/2016 10:04

I've never done it and I think it's insulting, whether or not it is 'correct' according to Debretts.
My first name is not DH's first name. For that matter my last name is not DH's either.

I remember having a near argument with a customer on the phone some years ago, ironically because he wanted to let my boss know I'd been helpful. He asked my name so I told him Pedestriana Surname. Then he wanted to know whether it was Miss, Ms. or Mrs. I told him it didn't matter, my boss would know who he meant, I was the only person of this name. But he kept on. And on. I politely pointed out that my marital status had no bearing on my ability to do my job in a satisfactory manner but still he kept on. In the end I invented an excuse to end the call before I lost my rag.

AppleSetsSail · 29/04/2016 10:08

To be clear - I would never address someone 'Mrs John Smith'. That does seem completely bonkers.

GinaBambino · 29/04/2016 10:11

Hmmm DP and I aren't married so it would be very weird for us, but for example my mum and dad luckily had the same first initial so any envelope addressed would technically show my dad's initial but it was also my mums! It did get confusing though if there was no Mr/Mrs just initial lastname as we never knew who's post it was!

lulucappuccino · 29/04/2016 10:12

But that's how you're addressed on letters you said Apple.

AppleSetsSail · 29/04/2016 10:14

But that's how you're addressed on letters you said Apple.

No.

If I write to a married couple where the woman has taken her husband's surname, it's Mr. & Mrs. John Smith.

If I write to a woman, it's Title Sarah Smith

lulucappuccino · 29/04/2016 10:17

But surely it's the same thing. Please stop. It's very rude!

AppleSetsSail · 29/04/2016 10:20

But surely it's the same thing. Please stop. It's very rude!

In your opinion.

lulucappuccino · 29/04/2016 10:21

Which is shared by the majority, apparently. Fancy insulting people intentionally and then claiming you're right.

lulucappuccino · 29/04/2016 10:23

If you write to a married gay couple, whose initial do you choose, Apple and co?

AppleSetsSail · 29/04/2016 10:26

Which is shared by the majority, apparently. Fancy insulting people intentionally and then claiming you're right.

How did you find out that this is the majority view?

If you write to a married gay couple, whose initial do you choose, Apple and co?

I've never written to a married gay couple having the same last name.

lulucappuccino · 29/04/2016 10:28

RTT, Apple.

It doesn't matter whether you've actually had to write to them. Hypothetical - whose initial/name would be prioritised?

lulucappuccino · 29/04/2016 10:30

If a straight couple double-barrelled, whose name would be used?

If a straight couple used the woman's last name not the man's - same question.

AppleSetsSail · 29/04/2016 10:35

RTT, Apple.

Oh, I see - you mean the majority view on this thread.

If I were writing to a married gay couple, I'd write:

Mmes. Smith
Messrs. Smith

StillRabbit · 29/04/2016 10:36

Surely if you don't want to Mrs DH SharedSurname then you wouldn't take the shared surname in the first place!

I've been Mrs SharedSurname for longer than I was Miss MaidenName and probably wouldn't respond to my MaidenName in the first instance as it isn't my name anymore - I wouldn't be ignoring it, it just wouldn't trigger a response in me any more than "Mrs Jones" would. The younger children at school often refer to me as "Miss" which is fine but they don't call me "Miss SharedSurname" the bigger ones who can remember my name call me "Mrs SharedSurname".