(UPDATE) Am I a bitch? I don't want DD sleeping over with these people!

[thenappyslayer]

Original thread - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2623701-Am-I-a-bitch-I-dont-want-DD-sleeping-over-with-these-people?noti=1#60728941

So sorry for the essay but I'm so upset.

Do I like the fact that the kids are dirty, the dad is a borderline bully and the mum smokes around the DCs No? But that doesn't mean she is evil or doesn't have feelings and I do owe her an apology. I should have been (sort of) honest as many of you suggested and said we don't do sleep overs at other peoples homes. Just because I don't want DD sleeping over doesn't mean our kids can't have some fun. Today after school I gave DD a little pressie and card for the DC this post is about, hoping that would be the beginning of a peace offering. DD was excited and ran up to the other DC and gave it to her. Whilst they were having a little natter I took the opportunity to grab the mum for a quick apology - and to propose a sleep over at mine in a few weeks to make up for it.

I was well aware it could look like "Your home isn't good enough my my DD but my home is good enough for your DD" but to be frank as DDs mother I do have real concerns about this lady's current home life and don't feel comfortable. I think that's fair. As soon as I started speaking she was cutting me off with "it's fine" every five seconds - she wasn't being aggressive (I wasn't threatened ) but she was very snappy and rude. By this time our DC's were by us again and I didn't want the DCs to see the tension so I said "sorry again, but lets please try and work something out". As I started to walk away I heard "fuck off" under her breath and she started snapping at her two DCs who as I mentioned before are the most quiet little kids you will ever meet. She was rushing them to zip up their coats and hold on to the pram really harshly. I naturally turned around at the "fuck off" and when she started snapping I did frown (I noticed a dad behind her looking too) and she snapped at me again but only said "WHAT?" It easily could have been missed in a busy playground - nothing to call the police over - but it made me uneasy not only for me but for her DC's so I literally shook my head and walked off. It takes a bit to get out of the playground as the exit is a little on the small side and prams etc have to get through and I could hear her behind me going off and having a rant.

I'm not superwoman and didn't look back but she was upset about a fake bitch giving her looks (me) and some drama with her mum. Everyone around us could hear her and DD was getting anxious so I refused to look back and just got straight into the car.

Got home and told DH about what happened when he got in. It's not a big deal in the grander scheme of what life's about but it set off this huge fucking fight about moving DD to a different school.

I wont bore you with ten more paragraphs but DH was leaning towards prep school and I wanted her in state. Even when we didn't get our first choice of primary school I stuck to my guns and sent her to this one which at the time was rated "good" by OFSTED but has issues in the past. 31 kids in her class, unchallenging homework and two horrible teachers later and DH has had enough after what I told him went down after school. He knows this from my feedback and having a sweeping look at DDs homework and asserting it's too easy. Fair enough. It is. Okay then. I said what I saw to be the most rational thing at the time; "lets have another word with the teacher about homework and I'll give the other schools in the area a call"

He got really irritated and said I've had my way now I should just let it go and have her do 10+. I said we've already been to a couple of open days and I didn't like the vibe. I just didn't. I don't want her going too far before Y7 so we have a limited choice of independent schools.

The argument escalated and consisted of:

Me saying he is barely home, gets to sweep DD off her feet at 7:30pm every evening and be fun superdad while I'm flustered moany mum! I'm the one who does the hard shit (homework, school run, playdates, cooking, washing, after school clubs etc) and he gets to tuck her in and play with her on the weekends while I slave over dishes and hoover. He isn't even that involved in her school life (not as much as me) so what's wrong with me taking the lead with certain choices? Such as schooling?

Him saying he works really hard and does it all for us - why am I making him feel guilty for supporting us. What's wrong with him having quality time with DD when he gets in.

Me getting really angry because even though I don't do the crazy 70 hour weeks I used to, I do still take on a projects that can accommodate my home life. And no I'm not minted like him and his fucking family but my job isn't less than because I've cut down.

Him saying he didn't mean it like that

Me saying he did

Him saying I have something against independent schools and it's dramatic faux liberal crap

Him saying I think he's a snob and I'm missing the point. It's not about me thinking the schools are a bit elitist and lame, it's about DD's education.

DD was upstairs in her room probably heard the whole thing I'm disgusted at myself and pray she was fast asleep.

It was petty - but a little on vicious side and he has never ever spoken to me like this.

I'm downstairs and don't want to go to bed.

After being called a snob yesterday on MN its ironic that at home I get into a RL argument with DH because he thinks I think HE'S a snob.

I feel like such shit. Such shit.

From that mum being nasty in front of everyone at school to DH being pissed at me - this is a shitty evening. Just want to disappear.

This is so hard for you - I really feel for you. Sometimes we can't forsee how a situation will evolve and all we can do is learn from it afterwards. Have the biggest hug from me and I don't think you should make any decisions until things have settled. Surround yourself with people you know care about you and talk to them about how you feel. Some of the opinions on here are very harsh, and although you have made some mistakes (as we all do sometimes) you need support with this difficult time as a parent. Being a mum is wonderful, but sometimes it can make you feel so so crappy as well.

Go private.

you both working so buy in cleaning hoovering outsource the housework so you both get to spend time with dd on weekend.

you dont have to send dd to stay anywhere you dont want her to go...but accept the fallout.

she will be moving school soon anyway

For goodness sake go to the prep school route. Stop being so worried about being thought a snob - just eliminate that word from your vocab, because it sounds to me that not being thought of as an elitist is more important to you than your dd's well being. You, and she, don't belong at that place or with those people. Stop being so hung up about it - there are thousands who would do it if they could afford it, (but of course wouldn't tell you). If you come down to their level, believe me, you'll be stuck with it. This is a life changing decision. Imagine where these kids will be at age 14, 15 and on.

Exactly Shepherdessy

Exactly Shepherdessy

Bloody hell OP, you seem to have the self-awareness and social sensitivity of a house brick. Count your blessings that a muttered 'fuck off' is all you got.

Go private. As people have said, normal children do go to independent schools! I've just moved to a different area and all the state primarys are not what I want for my DD (4). She starts at the local prep in September and it looks lovely. We are very much from a working class background but it is only a school and if I can afford to give her that start then why not!

I'm sorry thenappyslayer, your dh is so, so right. Listen to him. You're so lucky - just think - you could be stuck with someone more like the other woman's fella! He sounds like an absolute gem. Don't throw your advantage away, embrace it!!! It's all very well for you to have your political ideals but now this is affecting someone's whole life - your precious daughter.

thenappyslayer Next time, if you're looking for support. Don't post in AIBU.

OP there is a chance you could put in a request to send your DD to the first choice state primary school now she is older. This may be the short term solution before she goes to secondary in two years time.

I think that you have reached a kind of crossroads now and need to make a decision before September. If you put in a request to the LEA now for a place you should find out pretty quickly. You may even get her in before the summer holidays start which will mean your dd has a chance of making some new friends.

Next time, if you're looking for support. Don't post in AIBU

Take a look at the hundreds of threads in AIBU that are full of supportive, intelligent, kind wisdom and help.

That's an unfair comment to the many people on MN who provide support to posters in AIBU day after day.

Yes AIBU has it's acerbic side, but 95% of people are trying to help, even if they don't dress it up all nice, like.

Maybe you should move your child to a posher school. I don't think its fair to her to send her to the local school but then to not let her take part in social activities like sleepovers with her friends because you think you're a cut above the other families. It will make her become isolated. It will be clear to the other parents and children what your game is when your child "isn't allowed sleepovers" when invited by Chelsy-Jade and when you are champing at the bit for her to sleep over with Arabella.
Are you a social climber by any chance? I'm from a working class background and I'm perfectly happy with people from similar backgrounds. If you're married to a "posher" person and insecure, then could it be that you are reflecting your aspirations onto your daughter. Let her choose her friends and let her go to the sleepover like all the other kids.

I am not sure of the issue - sleepovers sound like a stressful waste of time. The parents sound like hard work.
I would suggest you stay out of futile school dramas and focus on education of your child.

I can so see myself getting into this sort of situation Op. Move on, don't let it eat up your relationship with your DH. You've got a fine compromise on primary/secondary, your DD is nearly there and doing fine, I don't think there's any reason to argue further or do anything else. Chalk it up, crack open a bottle of wine and don't dwell on the idea that you and your DH are mismatched, you've navigated this happily for many years. The problem is you feel criticized as you felt as though you were being accused of being a snob and you just got at each other. Forget it....

LittleMissBossyBoots

So you think treating someone like that is ok? She takes in a gift for the woman's child, apologises (when there was no need to) and goes above & beyond what she really should, considering the woman in question sounds completely vile.

And you think she deserves to be sworn at? Is this some kind of parallel playground universe?

Poor you - the comments on here are all you need today I expect!

Keep your chin up, you haven't done anything bad - honestly you haven't, despite what's being said on here.

From what I've read it seems like DD and her friend are still OK which is the main thing.

OP

I had two children by the time I was just turning 20. I was not offended by what you said about teen parents by the way.

You have had a horrible time here. It hasn't been deserved. I don't have any advice that hasn't already been said but I just wanted to add to the chorus of people who think you don't deserve the reaction you have had here.

Did I say it was ok?

Did I say she derserved to be sworn at?

Go back and read what I actually wrote rather than what you think I wrote.

FirstWeTakeManhattan That maybe so but IMO the venom AIBU brings out in some people isn't worth posting here if you're looking for support.

Especially as some people looking for support can already be in a fragile state.

The question is - are there any realistic options for changing to another state school? Is your DD on any waiting lists? Have you spoken to the council?

I'm guessing but if I was your DH I'd assume moving her to private was the fastest option. If you aren't happy socially or academically why stay?

I hate the way this has been twisted into being about 'class' and 'snobbery'. You weren't comfortable with DD going to a sleepover, you stuck to your gut instinct (as I would have done). My DD has a friend who live in a very large house - I won't let her sleepover there because something about one of the parents does not sit well with me - it's not a class issue!

As a separate thing you aren't happy with DDs school for several reasons. One thing that might be worth considering is whether the transition to private senior school might be easier if she has already attended private primary? In my experience private schools offer so much more than just academic and extra curricular. A decent independent will also focus on building a love for learning, confidence, respect for others, manners.

horseygeorgie Shepherdessy
As someone who went to a state school then on to a great uni I did want dd to have a balanced upbringing. My schools were shit but my parents prepped me my entire life and the teachers would stay behind after school with the kids who wanted to Learn. I know I shouldn't but as someone who grew up poor and who went to a state school DHs utter resistance stings slightly. Just a little. What's wrong with finding a good state school? The thing is he is the most down to earth humble guy you will ever meet - I never even knew he had money / came from money until I met his parents for the first time. I just want to keep some of myself. I didn't marry someone rich because I'm a social climber who wants to run away from where they are from and the people from there. I married an amazing person who happens to have a minted conservative family. Now for the first time in our marriage that seems to actually matter. Something about the argument last night tells me ; this isn't just about not waiting for 11+.
I agree with the posters who have been honest and who have said logging heads with a partner about education, especially state v private is intense.
The argument left me thinking he loves me despite my background - not because it's a part of me. I'm probably just jumping the gun but it felt like that. Hence the sofa and awkward breakfast.

I feel very sorry for you OP, I read your initial thread, but did not comment due to the huge response. I think you've been treated very unfairly on here. It is your perogative to decide if a home is unsuitable for your daughter to stay at,. Your only mistake in my eyes was justifying and trying to reason with the Mother.TAke your Husband up on his offer and transfer to private starting September.

Do you feel like sending her to a prep is somehow disloyal to your parents?