(UPDATE) Am I a bitch? I don't want DD sleeping over with these people!

[thenappyslayer]

Original thread - www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2623701-Am-I-a-bitch-I-dont-want-DD-sleeping-over-with-these-people?noti=1#60728941

So sorry for the essay but I'm so upset.

Do I like the fact that the kids are dirty, the dad is a borderline bully and the mum smokes around the DCs No? But that doesn't mean she is evil or doesn't have feelings and I do owe her an apology. I should have been (sort of) honest as many of you suggested and said we don't do sleep overs at other peoples homes. Just because I don't want DD sleeping over doesn't mean our kids can't have some fun. Today after school I gave DD a little pressie and card for the DC this post is about, hoping that would be the beginning of a peace offering. DD was excited and ran up to the other DC and gave it to her. Whilst they were having a little natter I took the opportunity to grab the mum for a quick apology - and to propose a sleep over at mine in a few weeks to make up for it.

I was well aware it could look like "Your home isn't good enough my my DD but my home is good enough for your DD" but to be frank as DDs mother I do have real concerns about this lady's current home life and don't feel comfortable. I think that's fair. As soon as I started speaking she was cutting me off with "it's fine" every five seconds - she wasn't being aggressive (I wasn't threatened ) but she was very snappy and rude. By this time our DC's were by us again and I didn't want the DCs to see the tension so I said "sorry again, but lets please try and work something out". As I started to walk away I heard "fuck off" under her breath and she started snapping at her two DCs who as I mentioned before are the most quiet little kids you will ever meet. She was rushing them to zip up their coats and hold on to the pram really harshly. I naturally turned around at the "fuck off" and when she started snapping I did frown (I noticed a dad behind her looking too) and she snapped at me again but only said "WHAT?" It easily could have been missed in a busy playground - nothing to call the police over - but it made me uneasy not only for me but for her DC's so I literally shook my head and walked off. It takes a bit to get out of the playground as the exit is a little on the small side and prams etc have to get through and I could hear her behind me going off and having a rant.

I'm not superwoman and didn't look back but she was upset about a fake bitch giving her looks (me) and some drama with her mum. Everyone around us could hear her and DD was getting anxious so I refused to look back and just got straight into the car.

Got home and told DH about what happened when he got in. It's not a big deal in the grander scheme of what life's about but it set off this huge fucking fight about moving DD to a different school.

I wont bore you with ten more paragraphs but DH was leaning towards prep school and I wanted her in state. Even when we didn't get our first choice of primary school I stuck to my guns and sent her to this one which at the time was rated "good" by OFSTED but has issues in the past. 31 kids in her class, unchallenging homework and two horrible teachers later and DH has had enough after what I told him went down after school. He knows this from my feedback and having a sweeping look at DDs homework and asserting it's too easy. Fair enough. It is. Okay then. I said what I saw to be the most rational thing at the time; "lets have another word with the teacher about homework and I'll give the other schools in the area a call"

He got really irritated and said I've had my way now I should just let it go and have her do 10+. I said we've already been to a couple of open days and I didn't like the vibe. I just didn't. I don't want her going too far before Y7 so we have a limited choice of independent schools.

The argument escalated and consisted of:

Me saying he is barely home, gets to sweep DD off her feet at 7:30pm every evening and be fun superdad while I'm flustered moany mum! I'm the one who does the hard shit (homework, school run, playdates, cooking, washing, after school clubs etc) and he gets to tuck her in and play with her on the weekends while I slave over dishes and hoover. He isn't even that involved in her school life (not as much as me) so what's wrong with me taking the lead with certain choices? Such as schooling?

Him saying he works really hard and does it all for us - why am I making him feel guilty for supporting us. What's wrong with him having quality time with DD when he gets in.

Me getting really angry because even though I don't do the crazy 70 hour weeks I used to, I do still take on a projects that can accommodate my home life. And no I'm not minted like him and his fucking family but my job isn't less than because I've cut down.

Him saying he didn't mean it like that

Me saying he did

Him saying I have something against independent schools and it's dramatic faux liberal crap

Him saying I think he's a snob and I'm missing the point. It's not about me thinking the schools are a bit elitist and lame, it's about DD's education.

DD was upstairs in her room probably heard the whole thing I'm disgusted at myself and pray she was fast asleep.

It was petty - but a little on vicious side and he has never ever spoken to me like this.

I'm downstairs and don't want to go to bed.

After being called a snob yesterday on MN its ironic that at home I get into a RL argument with DH because he thinks I think HE'S a snob.

I feel like such shit. Such shit.

From that mum being nasty in front of everyone at school to DH being pissed at me - this is a shitty evening. Just want to disappear.

I seem to have hit a nerve.

No chips here.

PMSL at the OP accusing someone else of having a chip on her shoulder. :o

You weren't nice to her! You were patronising and kept on awhen she was saying it's fine

Nappy Don't worry now..... it's done. You did the right thing. I went against my better judgment and let DS1 sleep over at a new friends when he went to secondary and he didn't even change out of his uniform and was rotten. Never again..
With regard to school it wouldn't hurt to look. I passed my 11+ but my parents were super wooley liberals and didn't believe in grammars. From the first day I was bullied then adapted to fit in.
It will be OK. Just let the dust settle. And no more apologising....

Sorry but what exactly has the OP done wrong here? She apologised, she tried to make amends and has posted here about the fall out if that. How about a little actual ...you know....SUPPORT.

OP. you may have seriously annoyed this other mother but for her to rant and ensure people heard her refer to you as "bitch" is shitty behaviour. I wouldn't want my child anywhere near her either. You've done your best to make amends and it's been rebuffed,. Just leave it for now and if your DD still wants her friend over in a few weeks just issue an invite ...but it will probably be turned down.

Have not RTFT but here is my two pennorth. Mixing with other kids of all walks of life is part of a kids education surely. My bestie at primary was an honourable and I had never seen a toast rack before breakfast at hers or nannys or servants or stables or range rovers . I also slept in sleeping bags on sun loungers in bedrooms in shit holes of homes belonging to mates back then. I was born in a council house in what is now a very expensive village but the occupants were dog rough in some of them back then. It's an education - all of it. A bit of background into a mates life. Children should not get a sanitised version of life. They will benefit in the long term if they see life as it is and come home with interesting stories

Sorry but what exactly has the OP done wrong here?

From what has been written, it gives the impression that she appeared patronising and of the opinion that her house is OK to have children sleep over and the other mothers is not. As the Op herself admits I was well aware it could look like "Your home isn't good enough my my DD but my home is good enough for your DD" and she was right.

OP, I feel for you but surely you could have foreseen her reaction to the gift and apology?

I would have transferred her to the prep yesterday, but then again, my kids are at a prep so I can't really relate to your 'dramatic faux liberal crap'.

OP - I wouldn't let my DC sleepover at someone who parented their children like that whether they be the Lord of the Manor or whatever. My dd made friends with a child a few years ago, nice family - I know the grandparents who are v wealthy, very nice people BUT I felt the mum had no parenting skills, was providing alcohol to the young teenage son for sleepovers, the dd was much too 'grown up' and I didn't want dd to get involved with them. I didn't feel she would be 'looked after' at their house. So I just said no when dd requested a sleepover. I didn't make excuses, I'm her parent, I make the decisions. I wasn't comfortable with it.

Now you have described someone who doesn't parent well but it has got too bound up with the 'you're a snob, she's a chav' argument. You've tried to put aside your concerns for the sake of your dd, you've tried to make it up to the parent - albeit you probably shouldn't have bothered, she's obviously deeply unpleasant and you don't like her so no need to be a hypocrite about it. Just walk away now. Avoid her in the playground and carry on as usual.

Your dh and the private school, I can understand why he's frustrated, you are angry, upset and in honesty a bit frightened about what is going on at school. He's trying to fix it by saying let's put dd in private and you are saying no, don't fix it!
So you both need to sit down, make a pros and cons list and decide what your priorities are. Education/socialising etc.

I think you are a mum who is trying to look out for her dd. That's all any of us are trying to do. Chin up and good luck.

Btw, I mention they are wealthy not because that makes them nice, it was just to make the point that this is about parenting not income!

' I won't let my child stay over at yours, but I'm inviting your child to stay over at my house.' You don't see anything wrong with that Alfieisnoisy?

Making it clear to others that they don't meet your standards never goes down well. I tend to have a bad case of foot-in-mouth disease but the OP has made a difficult situation a lot worse. I think even I could have managed it a bit better.

Your posts are long and self indulgent. An update? Fuck me you love the drama.

And yet again on this thread you are making a reference to teenage mothers, why op, WHY? You know how well it went down on your last thread.

It sounds like your dh is sick of your drama too

I won't let my child stay over at yours, but I'm inviting your child to stay over at my house.'

To be fair, that's what the OP imagines this might look like to the other parent. You're quoting this a bit out of context, aren't you?

That said, however this sleepover conversation unfolded, the OP has not handled it well.

I haven't read the other thread (kept meaning to), and have nothing very helpful to add on this one, but my god the bit i've read here is making me dread the whole school gate/sleep over/mum frenemy stuff i've got to do (all over again) in a few years.

I can be a bit over protective of my DCs and i come over as a bit of a snob in RL. I know i do. What an awkward mess OP. If i were you i would just back right off now. Leave it.

If i could afford to send my kids to a private school i would.

You still get all this at private school Epony.

Epona sorry.

AppleSetSail
She declined a sleepover with an excuse about the grandparents that probably wasn't believed but she didn't give any indication that her daughter could stay over another time. Then she invites the other girl to a sleepover at her house. It's the interpretation most people would make.

To be fair to OP, her original post was actually pretty reasonable right up until she mentioned that the mothers of these friends had been teenage mothers in a derogatory way. She apologised. Endlessly.

The gift and sleepover at OPs house was repeatedly suggested as a way to make amends on the other thread.

So, it seems that OP followed advice from posters on the other thread, it's backfired, and is now getting shit from people on her new thread.

A touch unfair, perhaps?

Might I suggest, OP, that in future, if you want advice and hand holding, you post in Chat? It's a little less brutal than AIBU.

Take your stance and stick with it. Don't apologise (unless you are actually wrong), don't explain is my new motto. There are lots of things other parents are fine with. I am not. 'We don't do that', with a smile on my face. Take it how you like. The liberal middle classes are the ones I fear the most actually. This is where being 'other' helps as they just assume its some weird cultural or religious thing so keep quiet despite their obvious disapproval.

I would agree that you mucked this one up big time.

I would also agree that you have issues regarding class and state schools. You need to put these issues aside to ensure that your DD goes to a school that suits her and her family.

At the moment you are not doing your best by her. I can see why your H is pissed off with you.

You have a huge number of people saying the same thing, including your husband.

I hope you will listen for you dd's sake.

I'm not an expert on private schools, but my sister sent hers to a private school in their primary years because it is much more likely they would get into their preferred private secondary if they were from this feeder school.
A lot of private schools have entrance exams and an interview process and will take into account where your daughter has been previously educated before deciding whether they will accept her.

My point being, the sooner your dh and you can decide on whether you want her privately educated the better.
If she is younger, she is also more likely to adapt to a different school and settle in.

I didn't read the other thread in full, PalmerViolet but if these ideas were in fact suggested repeatedly on there, then you are right that the OP has been given a hard time.

You still get all this at private school Epony.

If you're talking about the swearing and smoking over prams - no you don't.

Send her to the prep x