Getting my boobs out

[wannabehippyandcrazycatlover]

I thought it was all a hoax about people making judgey comments about breastfeeding in public and that no one in their right mind would actually say anything...

Today I was unfortunately proved wrong, I was told by a gentleman that it was highly inappropriate for me to get my boob out and feed my baby in a cafe. I thought I was being quite discreet but obviously not in his opinion.

I was so shocked I couldn't say anything, I didn't think that this actually happened . Has anyone else experienced this? I'm quite upset about it (although won't stop me doing it in future) and can see why some women stop BF if they get comments like that on a regular basis.

Flowers ask yourself why women on this thread have said that they fed in public prepared with phrases to defend themselves to aggressive and judgemental strangers?

They were not feeding their babies to try to start a fight.

They were feeding their babies because they were hungry.

They were feeding their babies with the food designed for those babies. The perfect food.

Lots of them would be breast feeding their babies despite toe curling pain, exhaustion, mastitis or thrush. Sublimnating their own needs for their child's.

Exhausted women don't want to start fights.
Nervous new mums getting the hang of latching don't want to show off their shredded breasts.
Harassed mothers of toddlers aren't trying to make a point.
Women entranced by the power of their body to produce and feed a perfect little person aren't feeling a sense of entitlement.

They are just feeding their babies so that they can get on with their day.

And while they sit there feeding, lots of them are worried, more, terrified that someone with views like yours will embarrass them, harass them, frighten them or make them cry.

So they think of responses, and steel themselves to use them if they need to, because they are frightened and angry.

There is a right and a wrong side in this debate. You are on the wrong side.

Attitudes like yours are preventing women breastfeeding. Attitudes like yours mean that some babies don't receive the very best food available. Attitudes like yours are costing the NHS money. Attitudes like yours are making vulnerable women cry.

We're all aware what nipples look like. We all have them. A little babies need to be fed trumps your right not to see a scrap of flesh just like the one you look at every day in the mirror. I'm ashamed of you for thinking that it does.

You keep bandying around the word 'entitled'. Well yes, they are entitled. The law says they are.

flowers you must be deeply unhappy in life to have such negative thoughts about something so natural as breastfeeding.

Flowers, if i saw someone doing what you propose to do, deliberately trying to intimidate a woman breastfeeding, i would very loudly call you out to be a fucking perv who needed to be arrested. Very loudly, very vocally, until you pissed off. And i would do that regardless of whether i knew the mother in question. Because its your shit that doesnt need exposing in public, and nothing else. And id do it because - unlike most mothers in the act of bf - I'm generally not feeling conflicted, protective and vulnerable, which i know from experience is how mothers feel when arsewipes like you are in the vicinity.

If you don't agree with the majority, you are called a GF, troll, cunt, twat etc.

If the cap fits....

I had some horrible comments when I was feeding my son as it really isn't the done thing around here to bf.Despite the fact that we always used a cover! It was particularly upsetting because my son was 8 weeks early which in itself made bfing a challenge. Luckily I'm stubborn and we did it for 2.5 years but peoples reactions to it I found shocking. I can see why so many women are put off doing it and thats so sad :(

If women are 'shoving their tits in your face' when they are breastfeeding then you should probably stand further away, you perv.

I breastfeed solely for the purpose of pissing off people who want to pull cats bum faces at it. Literally no other reason. I don't even like the baby, I just want to go topless and dance around waving my breasts at people. Just like every other breastfeeding mother right?

Twats.

flowers I've read and commented on some of your threads and I know you are massively hurting about not having a baby... But, you can't take every mum out there as doing normal, mundane everyday mum stuff like breastfeeding as a personal insult to you. It's just people getting on with life and probably not even noticing that you or anyone else are even there. Women don't breastfeed ostentatiously or discreetly. They just breastfeed.

I didn't realise flowers is in such a fragile state.

It doesn't excuse her bad attitude but does help explain them a little, and put them into context.

Couldn't resist adding this image (if I've done it right).

The thing is that breastfed children get hungry when they are out and about with their mothers. When women were not allowed to breastfeed in public places a lot fewer children were breastfed and the mothers that did breastfeed were much more confined to home.

I advanced searched her too, and I'm not taking back anything I said to her.

I have anxiety, I was a total wreck when dd was first born, I suffered all through the pregnancy about everything. I blamed myself for her being so small, breastfeeding was the hardest thing I had ever done and I had to do it with almost everyone telling me she was 'starving' because she fed all the time, it was beyond exhausting.

I was so scared to feed in public I wouldn't go out, we didn't see dh's family for weeks because his mother was so critical of it. I used to dread little things like going to the shops, and would rush there and back.

I was terrified (and still am) of people looking at me feeding her even though she is six months now. Drawing attention to myself is the last thing I wanted, I felt like a shit mum when my daughter would cry of hunger as I hurried to the car to feed in private, instead of just sitting down in the cafe I was in and feeding her.

Then people like fucking you come along and act all personally offended over breastfeeding, like I as a breastfeeding mum owe you anything at all. You have no idea of the struggle I went through with it or what any other mum is going through.

So stand there and stare, I dare you, I hope someone does say something to you.

Do that Flowers but remember it is you itching for the fight not that mother and certainly not that baby. Don'f forget as you confront the mother and baby that the goal of every single breastfeed, in spite of ignorance on top of ignorance spouted continuously everywhere for pregnant women and new mothers to see and listen to, is a baby that needs to be fed at that very moment. But yes you concentrate up all your anger and focus it on that mother and baby who have never, ever interacted with you because of some perceived slight on the Internet. Sounds like a plan ...or maybe not.

What ollieplimsoles said. I had a similar experience with my first. Hope you have good RL support! Feel free to pm me to share tips!

I am rarely discrete when I BF. I don't care enough to cover up and DS is wriggly and pulls scarves off his face. It's like trying to cover a flapping bird with a handkerchief! I do have a nursing cover but I only use it if I'm in close proximity to people eg on a train where there's a risk I might spray milk on the person next to me!

Flowers, before I had children I felt embarrassed if a woman breastfed openly near me- I'd go bright red and look away. I wasn't used to seeing naked breasts or babies suckling. However I considered this my problem not theirs and wouldn't dream of trying to intimidate a breastfeeding mum! When my best friend had a baby and I got used to seeing her BF and it soon became normal. By the time I had my own baby I thought nothing of people breastfeeding openly. I also realised how hard BF is, I didn't care who saw my breasts as I was focused on trying to latch on my newborn. The first months I was oblivious to anyone looking with disapproval. My baby struggled to latch and I exclusively expressed for ages, so I was delighted whenever he BF! If I saw you staring I would have smiled proudly at you!! If you glared I would probably assume you had a FF baby at home but you wanted to BF and were therefore envious- it wouldn't have occurred to me you disapproved. If it happened now I would just smile and ignore you.

Is your awkwardness about BF related to Social Anxiety? I can understand how you want to avoid any anxiety triggering situations.
But if you find BF triggering it's on you to find somewhere else to sit or to leave the cafe.

I advanced searched her too, and I'm not taking back anything I said to her.

I also suffer from anxiety.
I've also had 'empty arms' pain for many years.

Sorry but neither of those is an excuse we MH cases aren't Tiny Tim incapable of any bad, it's a form of prejudice to over-pity, it infantalises us.

Yes. It's hurt. Yes it's agony. But no, the rest of the world doesn't have to completely change to fit your (injured) mind.

All those flapping about the need to be 'discreet' or 'considerate' have really no idea what it's like to ...

Respond so powerfully to your baby's cry that you are compelled to feed them right away - and are totally stressed out until you can satisfy them

Negotiate all the faff of settling comfortably, getting baby in position, fiddling with bra catches, tops, vest, getting them latched on, switching sides. It never came naturally to me and it's not easy. It was always a huge palaver. If a bit of stray boob saw the light of day during that process, so fucking be it.

Feel the tension between society's message that you should breastfeed, because it's best for your baby and then society's desire to keep it out of sight, push it into the corner, cover it with a big monstrous tent. I'm not putting up with that bullshit. I've bought into the first bit. I'm not going to internalise the contradictions of the second.

In the end, I care far, far more about satisfying my baby and maintaining my own mental health (by getting out of the house) than your delicate sensibilities. If that makes me entitled, I will wear that entitlement with pride. All I am doing is feeding my baby the way nature intended me to.

Just to add, I don't have a problem with women breastfeeding in public, I just ask that you are considerate whilst in a public place and either use a cover or sit in a quiet corner. Why do you think people wear clothes? I just think it's bad manners to not try to be discreet. I plan on breastfeeding if I'm ever lucky enough to have children, but I would do it discreetly where possible, because it is kind and thoughtful to do so.

In the end, I care far, far more about satisfying my baby and maintaining my own mental health (by getting out of the house) than your delicate sensibilities. If that makes me entitled, I will wear that entitlement with pride. All I am doing is feeding my baby the way nature intended me to.

Massively this^

squizita

I'm sure that was/ is very hard for you, your post is really brave and it humbled me.

Faster Its just a battle every day isn't it? I have a fantastic DH who really supported my breastfeeding luckily.

but I would do it discreetly where possible, because it is kind and thoughtful to do so.

Have you even read my post?

Believe me, you won't give a shit about being 'kind and thoughtful' to anyone else. Also, no one cares.

either use a cover or sit in a quiet corner.

what if a baby doesn't like being covered?, they thrash around on the breast sometimes, and what if there is no quiet corner? what if shock, horror my baby is tired and hungry and the only table left is the one next to yours??

I'll sit at it and feed, thats what.

Flowers but what is offensive about breasts in the first place?

I just think it's bad manners to not try to be discreet. I plan on breastfeeding if I'm ever lucky enough to have children, but I would do it discreetly where possible, because it is kind and thoughtful to do so.

But until you've done it you have no idea whatsoever how difficult it might be or how it might conflict with your overwhelming need to feed your baby, or how little it matters in the overall scheme of things.

Flowers people have already stated that it isn't a 'manners' situation. Repeatedly. A baby is not an inanimate object and the hormones triggered by a cry can send milk literally spraying everywhere.
We wear clothes to keep warm, in the main in the UK - and to affiliate to a tribe/group.Some wear more than others! A woman clubbing in a see through top is clothed, as is a woman in a jumper and coat, both are fine. So is a woman feeding a baby.

I wonder if there is conflation here between what triggers you and general good manners?
Using myself as an example: I find certain types of crowds difficult on a sensory level (e.g. those in some larger train stations are particularly difficult). However, those people aren't being loud, rude or aggressive. It's just the way my sensory difficulties react to a neutral situation: the emotions and nerves I feel are the same as if there were a threat but there isn't.

Women feeding babies are caring, but their entire brain has been re-wired temporarily to care for one thing: that baby. Not manners. Not adults, NT or otherwise. That baby.

To put it another way: a crying young baby getting worse and worse can to this day trigger a panic attack/meltdown in me.
So you and I are sitting apart in a cafe.
A mum comes in. Her baby wants food.
Using your logic, that poor woman has no choice but to be rude and trigger someone with anxiety/ND, bad bad woman! because if she feeds right away it upsets you. If she moves herself, her pram, her coffee, her baby to the corned and the baby starts to howl it triggers me.
But the FACT is, she has not been rude or careless, her duty of care is not to either of us: it is unreasonable to think of it in those terms. She's focused on that baby and should not have to worry about anything else at all.
Her duty of care is NOT to either of us.
It is a situation exempt from manners (like if a tiny child were eating, they wouldn't use a knife and fork - like if a tiny child asks for something when they can only say 2 or 3 words they won't have social niceties ... manners are exempt).

I would do it discreetly where possible

This is where planning and reality collide.

Before I had DD I probably would have thought the same NOT because I thought that that's what people should do, but because I didn't think I'd have the confidence to breastfeed in public at all.

Then DD arrived and fed constantly. If I tried to only feed her in a quiet corner while all covered up, I'd have been sat in a bloody corner under a sheet for 18 months!

As it was, I fed anywhere and everywhere. With and without covers. Sometimes sitting down, sometimes walking around with DD in a sling. Discretion didn't come into it - I was feeding my baby and, as it turned out, couldn't care less if anyone judged me for it.

My baby was hungry - she was fed. End of story. And if someone catches a glimpse of side boob or gasp a nipple, so what? They're functional bits of the body that are designed to feed babies - that's why we have them.

It should be no more offensive to see boobs used for feeding babies than it is to see legs used for walking.

Ollie I was very lucky to be blessed with some care on the NHS for both, which resulted in a miracle baby.

Still anxious and a but ND but dealing with it day by day!!

I'm incredibly lucky. My current thoughts are with people like me in places where there IS REAL SHIT TO WORRY ABOUT and definitely no underfunded and a bit crap but still there postnatal MH support and family centres.