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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Am I a bitch? I don't want DD sleeping over with these people!

342 replies

thenappyslayer · 26/04/2016 16:27

DD is 9 and has been invited to a sleepover at the home of parents who I'm not keen on. Their kids are really really lovely!!! The sweetest most quiet little things you will ever meet.

As for the parents....I certainly wouldn't want my child staying in their home over night.

These poor kids are always waiting outside the betting shop after school, their shirt collars are always filthy, both have rotten teeth, the mother smokes over the pram of her newborn and the father has a foul mouth. He's always shouting at his kids for no reason and seems to have a mobile phone pressed to his ear indefinitely.

I've told DD no and said it's because she has to go to her grandparents on Saturday and we just would not make it back in time. Her and this kid are fairly close. DD feels left out etc as all the other invited kids are going and yesterday when asked by the mum hosting if DD was coming, I gave the grandparents excuse.

I felt guilty fibbing but what was I supposed to say? She seemed to feel snubbed and was quite snappy but I didn't take it personally considering I just lied to her face. I do have some shame.

Im sure you're thinking "well if the other parents are okay with it surely you're just exaggerating what these people are like". That's the thing. The other parents aren't as bad but are pretty close. I actually feel quite alienated.

Yes I come from the "nice bit" of the area, yes this was not our first choice of primary school but I'm NOT a snob. I come from a working class background (grew up on a notorious council estate from HELL until 15 when it was demolished ) as do all of my dearest friends.

Anyway...

Again this morning the bloody sleepover came up with 3 other mums. I gave my excuse. One of the mums said "of course you cant come" and gave the others a look. Then another mum said "well her grandparents will be there next weekend". It caught me off guard and I just gave another shitty clumsy excuse. I'm sure it was obvious I was lying. The kids went in and as I excused myself I was given looks that could have killed pigeons in mid air. Don't those women have bloody lives? I found the premise of the exchange oddly nosey/bitchy for grown women. Well, they average at around 26 (with 9 year olds) but you catch my drift.

It was only literally a 1 minute exchange but it did bother me a little. I don't want to come across as an uppity bitch who looks down on the chavy mums at the local primary school but I just don't have anything in common with them at all.

Have any of you ever really liked a kid but have not been keen on the parent?

Even though the mum was being snappy she did look hurt. I feel shitty.

OP posts:

summerofsixtynine · 26/04/2016 18:41

I let my DD go on a sleepover with a family I didn't know very well (and yes, her friends were there too). She came home the next morning and told me that they had been allowed to watch an 18 horror film (they were all under 10) and that the parents were shouting and swearing at their little girl. DD felt scared and asked to go home but was told she couldn't. I'm pretty relaxed about most things but I really wish I'd said no to that one - trust your instincts.

dizzytomato · 26/04/2016 18:45

You lied and you're judging them.....

You do know that your child probably told her friend you were lying, kids do that.

TheFlyingFauxPas · 26/04/2016 18:45

I wouldn't let my child go and stay at someone's who I didn't think look after children properly.

Uncoping · 26/04/2016 18:46

Didn't read the full thread...

"I'm not a snob"...

Said the snob.

exLtEveDallas · 26/04/2016 18:46

DD has a lovely friend who is welcome to come here whenever she wants, but DD is not allowed to go there again - she went once, I wasn't happy about it, and was later proved right with my misgivings. But the age of her parents is immaterial to my reasons for keeping her away. So far we have been able to bat away invites by being busy, but if I am ever asked outright I will answer honestly - and I won't care what other people think.

DDs very best friend has a mum whose first child was born when she was 15. She is absolutely bloody lovely, her kids are a credit to her and I am very happy for DD to go there and vice versa.

Age should have no bearing - shit parents are shit parents whatever their age.

lissa90 · 26/04/2016 18:48

Age is irrelevant IMO, I've seen clueless young parents and equally clueless parents in their 40's. I would just admit that you don't trust them, in regards to them leaving their children outside betting shops. It is the truth at the end of the day. I wouldn't bother making up excuses, but then I am probably guilty of being too honest for my own good!

SurroMummy13 · 26/04/2016 18:50

I wouldn't allow my daughter to stay there.

Maybe invite the child for a sleepover at your home? That way your daughter can have the sleep over but in a comfortable environment and won't come home with foul language stinking of 2nd hand smoke?

Magicpaintbrush · 26/04/2016 18:50

If you don't feel comfortable about your child staying overnight at a person's house then definitely don't do it. She is your child and it's nobody else's business if you decide she can't go, your job is to protect her and that's what you are doing. I wouldn't have let my daughter stay over either in those circumstances. You were absolutely right. Try not to let the playground mums comment bother you, when your daughter moves to high school you will never have to see them again anyway. :-)

Elena567 · 26/04/2016 18:51

The OP is getting a ridiculous amount of abuse.

Also the 2 users on the bottom of the first page who posted to defend the age and immaturity remarks, yet opened their posts with "Fuck off"

coffeeisnectar · 26/04/2016 18:52

Your whole op is a list of things you deem wrong with the parents. However you actually state that the children of this family are lovely and very sweet. So presumably they are very good parents despite you looking down on them.

YABVVVU for judging these parents when you don't actually know them, haven't spent any time with them (apart from observing from a distance) and don't actually care whether your DD is going to feel left out by being the only child not going.

I think a few years ago you'd probably have looked down on me, single parent, on benefits, kids not wearing the best clothes (although always clean) but now you'd probably be falling over yourself to drop your dd off because I live in a nice house, have a partner who works and my kids are better dressed. I'm still the same person and my kids are still the same but our circumstances are different. I hate snobbery with a passion.

As for the age thing. Really???? I know loads of people who had their kids young and they are all brilliant parents and unlike you aren't hung up on what's 'socially acceptable'.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 26/04/2016 18:58

I don't think YABU, if you aren't happy for your child to stay for whatever reason then that is your choice.

We only let our children stay with families we know well and are very comfortable with.

LuciaInFurs · 26/04/2016 18:58

Yanbu, I wouldn't let any child of mine have a sleepover with parents like that. You have done nothing wrong.

fusionconfusion · 26/04/2016 19:05

While there are of course millions of amazing young mothers, there's a reason that they are flagged up for extra monitoring support in the early years - because as wonderful as every single one of you who got pregnant at 15 may be, statistically if you're a younger mother smoking over the pram of a newborn, spending loads of time in the bookies with unkempt kids with rotting teeth, it's much more likely that you are experiencing a whole truckload of social problems that might make your home marginally less safe than that of another mother without these same issues. All reasonable exclusions of course apply.

OP YANBU even if you are being a tad judgey. I would be too and I'm not going to apologise for it given the details you've shared.

crispytruffle · 26/04/2016 19:13

I wouldn't let my children stay over and I would just say that I wasn't comfortable with sleepovers right now. I also try to keep my excuses brief.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 26/04/2016 19:13

Also the 2 users on the bottom of the first page who posted to defend the age and immaturity remarks, yet opened their posts with "Fuck off"

I was one of them. What exactly is the problem? I took offence to the OP's unfair stance on young parents and I was vocal about it. Every other post on mumsnet contains swearing, would you like to comment on their 'maturity'? No? Opening up a whole can of worms their for yourself.

Incidentally, knowing when and where it is appropriate to swear would be a mark of maturity to a lot of people. I choose to swear on mumsnet, particularly when I am offended. I also choose to never swear around my child.

ExitPursuedByABear · 26/04/2016 19:16

Pages are so last century.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 26/04/2016 19:18

The fact that it's other mums who've made those comments to you, not the one who allows smoking and swearing around her kids, gives me the impression that you've repeatedly made excuses to reject invitations and their attitude is more about that than it is to do with their age. I'd probably make some quite pointed comments too if a parent obviously had a fundamental problem with who I was and decided I wasn't fit company for their little darling.

I was brought up by a snobby parent. It really isn't nice. I wasn't allowed to stay at a very good friend's house ever based solely on what street she lived on. It was only a 5 minute walk away. When I was about 13 I stopped making excuses for my DM and was very open about her being a bloody snob. Missing out on things constantly for no good reason was horrid. Be careful.

Teddy1970 · 26/04/2016 19:20

Tricky situation, but you say the children are very pleasant, then surely the parents must be doing something right? The thing that would bother me most is the smoking around children.

LeaLeander · 26/04/2016 19:25

I'd probably make some quite pointed comments too if a parent obviously had a fundamental problem with who I was and decided I wasn't fit company for their little darling.

Would you really make pointed comments solely on your assumption of what was going on in someone else's mind? Because they exercised their parental right to supervise their kid's social life? That would be quite rude and would pretty much validate their evaluation of you as ill-mannered and low-class, wouldn't it?

Xmasbaby11 · 26/04/2016 19:25

Yanbu. I wouldn't let my dc stay there either as the kids are not well looked after.

Elena567 · 26/04/2016 19:25

Well generally when you're trying to make a point of being mature yet start off your post with telling some to F off, it creates a sense of irony. That's the difference between your post and everyone elses. I don't believe I'm opening a can of worms for myself at all. (PS it's "there" not "their")

PaulAnkaTheDog · 26/04/2016 19:32

It was an autocorrect mistake, I just knew you'd be a snooty person and pick up on it though! As soon as I saw the error I knew you'd be one of those people. I thought grammar comments were a no go on mumsnet, no?

I don't think it created a 'sense of irony', I think it showed the tone of my comment. As I said, the majority of posters on mumsnet swear. Frankly your opinion means bugger all to me, you just sound condescending.

ElderlyKoreanLady · 26/04/2016 19:33

LeaLander a pointed comment needn't be rude.

anotherbusymum14 · 26/04/2016 19:34

Yikes. Everyone's s bit "meh" (well some are). It's your child OP and if you're not comfortable then don't send her for a sleepover. You wouldn't knock on a random persons door and leave your kid for the night. If you don't really know them (the family) then you have every right to say no without feeling guilty.
And they're only 9 - the kids. Hardly teenagers.
It's nothing to do with the family's status or state of their house, yjust don't know them. Don't send her. That's all.

PortiaCastis · 26/04/2016 19:39

OP have you been to dds friends home, do you actually know what it's like inside? Do the parents smoke inside or in the garden. Be interested to know if your desciption or lack of it is supposition

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