Parents who just won't leave their kid a bloody lone

[JackandDiane]

Please stop micro managing your teens life. Packing their bags. Interfering when they're with their pals. Fussing. Repeating yourself in boringly petty instructions.

breathe

With DS1 we didn't go to Uni open days I don't think, but went to the post-offer days.
Virtually every student had a parent or friend with them,I remember one boy at Leeds (living locally) had come by himself, and he was the only one.I felt so sorry for him during the 45 minute lunch when all the other students were sitting talking with their parents and he was on his own.

My mum came with me to uni open days. It was just nicer to have her there, and be able to chat with her about things and get my opinion, as I am always one of those people who when asked about school/whatever would just go "it was OK" and getting any other response was like blood out of a stone. "What did you think of X?" "Dunno it was alright"
My mum did walk me to school till the end of primary... mainly because my younger brother came too and I don't think she'd've trusted the 10-year-old me with the six-year-old him, mainly because there were busy roads to cross etc.
Mum was definitely not one of those parents who wanted me to do XYZ course at ABC university. I did all the applying etc. I probably did learn later than most about laundry and it was my fault when I did a whole wash sans detergent...

Haiku

Stop packing his bags
Stop being overbearing
Let him be a kid

(says the mum whose son can't iron or make toast! )

Its a sad thing that uni open days seem to have totally changed since the generation who are/ may be parents of teens were in the Upper 6th (as year 13 was then).

I absolutely loved going overnight to open days at Cambridge and Dundee on my own, and staying in halls at Cambridge and in a B&B in Dundee, and chatting to loads of students and potential students like myself. Went to some nearer the parental home with school friends and enjoyed that too, but the ones I went to on my own were the best as they were mini adventures and I met people.

How sad that now students who go on their own will be sitting alone because their peers have brought Mummy or Daddy (or both and their gran and siblings).

Of course it means that now the 17/18 year olds who are fully capable of wiping their own bottoms and catching a train alone and navigating a uni open day will be made to feel like Billy No Mates, and the parents who have brought up confident, self reliant young adults will never the less go along with their young adult offspring because nobody wants to be the only one on their own, or to make their loved one (however competent) isolated.

Its catering to the lowest common denominator and dragging everyone down, isn't it? Yet going against the grain would only make your young adult child isolated, so nobody can buck the trend now even though they have been properly brought up to be a capable human being

How did that happen over the last 20 years I wonder?

I wonder if the fact that few children play out by themselves these days but instead are walked or driven to and fro commercial activities such as clubs and playing with friends has to be organised by the parents as formal playdates rather than ringing at friend's door and asking to play spontaneously has made children much more passive. This combined with tv & game consumption and few children learn to fend for themselves. On reason for the lack of playing out is the increase in traffic. also where people live in their own houses and have private gardens it's less easy for kids to roam communal gardens and parks by themselves as in some other European countries, where living in an apartment and using shared spaces is more common.

Shocked that a parent wouldn't accompany their child to look round uni. Mine never offered to come with me and it never me occurred to ask. If I'd asked my parents I hope they wouldn't have said that. It's a big thing leaving home. Sad to have that attitude (ffs).

Mountainstream you're right, though it's not my children I worry about crossing the road, it's the dickheads who pull out of the cul-de-sacs and go from 0-40 in 20 yards. We have speed bumps but wide axel and two wheel vehicles can pass at speed (I've already been on to the local councillor about this)

i feel exactly the same fear terror. add to that the fact that there are hardly any dc out by themselves and car drivers don't expect and look out for children. When i had convinced myself to let dc play out during our holidays, all the children were roller skating or cycling in an area where there were garages (barely used). i kid you knot, the minute i was going to return to my friend's apartment, a car sped out of nowhere past my dc (who is easily distracted) and I feel it was a miracle nothing happened. I could still cry at the memory drama mum. but it felt great after a few days of my dc and friends' dc playing together outside as a gang. Only problem was my 3 year ofl anted to join them but i put my foot down with her.

I had breakfast in bed until the day I left for University (and wasn't allowed to do a weekend job either)...that was back in 1986! And BOY was it a shock to the system ..I couldn't work a washing machine or cook (thank god for catered halls in those days!) Nor could my room mate.

But we learned and became perfectly functional and independent adults very quickly.. my Mum didn't drive so I soon learned to manage long distance travel etc.

However when my girls both went to look at Universities I went with them..because they asked me to, and wanted my opinion. They made their decisions but it was enjoyable to see the surroundings and they attended talks etc while I sloped off for a coffee.
Now they are 24 and 22, living independently in flats they chose, and the only request for help was from DD2 asking her dad what was the best way to unblock her bath pipes which were not draining Neither drive yet (one by choice, one due to seizures) but are competent adults in professional jobs.

I had to make a very conscious effort NOT to micro manage them as I have tendencies that way but I let the reins go gradually throughout their teens. DS1 is travelling Australia currently and DS2 has autism and mild learning difficulties but even there we are helping him to as independent an adult as he can be.. bus training him, teaching him to make simple food.

There IS a balance between not being there enough,and doing too much but each child develops at their own pace!

Lifecanonlygetbetter I agree with you. Yes kids need to be independent but at 19 I would be pleased to be ask to accompany my child and share our thoughts.
What's going on - turn 18 and get cut off? If you bring them up well (just doing your best for them) surely you reap the rewards of a relationship for life??
Well that's my aim and understanding on parenting

This crap that parents were hands off years ago is a myth. Some were and some helicoptered while most just were in between.

For what it's worth my parents accompanied me to uni open days back in 1982 and there were loads of other parents there too.

I accompanied one of my kids who wanted me to but the other kid didn't.

Both of them are equally capable adults now.

Teens are all different and need support in different ways.

I just can't imagine refusing to go with my teen that asked me to go for moral support. Why would you?

I have always done far too much for my DCs. I know it and I do wonder if it's done them no good in the long run. I'm rubbish at saying no if they ask for help.

A tad judgy. Love the haikus though. These ones by Peyton Price are good...

Into the teen’s room
with trash bag and rubber gloves.
Please. Nothing crunchy.

Napping, House Quiet
At long last, I pee alone
Of course: empty roll.

& yes my teens do tidy bedrooms and change toilet rolls.

A lot of people are missing that there are variables here that make it hard to put just one parenting style on all children.

The OP mentions interfering with friends and that's the only thing that I actually have a real problem with. Unless a child is in danger, it's part of socialization for them to find and make their own friends, and to sometimes come home crying because they've had a falling out or what not. Do not tell your child who to be friends with and do not stop them from being friends with someone who isn't a danger to them. (When I say a danger to them, I mean, people who are a lot older before the child is 18, ones that are actually abusive, etc. and even then there are ways of dealing with this so that your child can come to the conclusion before you actively interfere).

Even that has it's down side. You can't tell all parents that because there are disorders and such out there that means a child can't manage their friends. My brother and I have ASD and we could never break things off with friends even when they were emotionally and physically abusive. We needed help. Younger brother however is sassy as anything when someone so much as annoys him and has no problem making new friends afterwards.

With the talk of University open days, I rolled my eyes a bit. Saying that it's a lack of independence to go to an open day with a parent is ignorant and, depending on the university, can actual exclude your child before they even get there. If they're nervous the won't be paying proper attention, if they need another opinion there's no one there for them, and they might not have a friend to go with as their friends might not be looking at the same university. If they go to that uni, it's possible they will get questions from other students on the first few days about why parents weren't there (I had this and had to explain I decided to come with a friend instead and got labelled as arrogant until about half way through the year) because most people come with parents. When I was working as a tour guide during my second year, only about 1 in ever 10 groups (6 people per group) had someone, who wasn't a mature student, without parents with them.

Like I said, I chose not to go with my parents. I decided I'd rather go with a friend and see the university and the town and have some fun. Not every potential student is going to want to do that. Researching the university (looking for culture) and asking your child is key.

Some things in this thread are unreasonable. People take parenting to the extreme both ways.

One thing I really want to point out is parents saying "no" to a request to make something such as drink or food.

I'm not saying make it for them either. Ask them why they can't do it. Do they not know how? If so, offer to show them. THAT'S YOUR JOB. If you don't have time to show them at that time, tell them to get something else for themselves instead and you'll show them later. Teach your kids how to do stuff for themselves, don't just expect them to know how to do it.

"My mum didn't pack..." is an absolute no-no in DC's school from Y3 onwards. If anyone is, as DS would put it, stupid enough to produce that as an excuse they will get told in no uncertain terms that their possessions are their responsibility (special circumstances notwithstanding ) . At 13, My DS might ask me for advice about dealing with problems and how he should approach a specific teacher about something, but he will very very rarely ask me to do it for him. If he does, and he has good reasons, then I do it (by email - I am not marching in there!). School encourage this, so if, for example, he has a doctors appointment, it is his responsibility to let the teachers whose lessons he will miss know, and to sign out and back in again. Geography means that there will be a parent picking him up and delivering him back, but at no point does the school require confirmation from us.

DD needs a bit mor of a push to try and resolve things herself before she escalates them to me, but she's getting there...

I agree some people do go to extreme lengths and it's a bit ott.

As an aside I went to uni as a mature student and still took my mum with me. For company and for an opinion. I was a 25 year old single parent living in my own house and paying all my bills. I just get on well with my mum and she loved coming with me

I didn't go to DD's uni open days with her, but they were both in our city where she's lived all her life. It seemed daft to go down the road with a nearly 19 year old to essentially just pick up details about her courses and free tote bags - it's not like she attended the bits about student life in a new city or anything, because she didn't need to. We did go for a meal afterwards to talk about it, though.

Am I a bad mother?

You aren't my mother are you? Mother, son and I had a big barney over sunscreen. Having had a big chunk cut out of me because of skin cancer and a good number of biopsies, yeah no mother, not going to let him burn over and over because he is too pig headed to learn and thinks he is invincible. I don't care if you think I should butt out.

I remember one boy at Leeds (living locally) had come by himself, and he was the only one.I felt so sorry for him during the 45 minute lunch when all the other students were sitting talking with their parents and he was on his own.

Maybe if all the parents hadn't been there, the students might have talked to each other and he wouldn't have been on his own. Even with the parents there, couldn't they (parents and students) have made an effort to mix and talk to other people, rather than all staying in their own little groups?

Hmm just thinking two things reading this thread... I wonder if some of the over protectiveness of teenagers and twenty something's, and the over dependence of those young people is related to the mum or both parents not being around much when they were younger.

You know how we all work longer hours nowadays, and all those poor children in childcare 8-6 every day. I wonder if the hanging on of parents and youngsters all the way into their twenties is actually coming from a need from both of them to stay together and connect?

Just thinking as I was confident as anything as a teenager, went to uni open days with friends, travelled round Europe, lived overseas in my twenties, all without blinking an eye, but had extremely stable and supportive upbringing.

But now after ive been through a brutal divorce my own little dd is a shivering wreck, and I don't think she would want to move away for uni, and I wouldn't really want her to either. She's been moved around a lot as a child, and we both just want stability.

The other thing I was thinking is how awesome the 16-19 year olds are that I teach. They are totally independent and capable and I'm always surprised how in control they are for their age. They are at FE college, so not as focused academically, but totally independent and in control.

Randomess , should be ashamed of yourself. Of course your dc needed you at uni days.
Mylocal, I am with you x

Elinor I agree - I was trying to make that point but with too many words :o

Oh squeak, pipe down.

Strange how it's ok to judge parents who actually CAN'T accompany their DC to open days.

Sorry I was too busy earning a living to feed and house all my DC to take 2 days of take her to the open day which I had explained earlier anyway...

Funny how I don't think parents who parent differently should be ASHAMED of their behaviour...

I asked DD this morning about me not going with her - it was all about because most people have their parents with them, not because she actually felt she wanted/needed me there and not because me going would have altered her decision! She managed to determine for herself that the course at one of uni's didn't live up to the marketing claims.

As the Fiancée of a babied teen, PLEASE STOP!

My DP didn't know how to do jack shit until he moved in with me, he didn't even know how to make bloody toast! I need to make all his phone calls for him (dentist apps and the likes) because he literally does not know what to say and ends up a muttering mess any time he tries.

I had to teach him how to cook, and he's since turned into an amazing cook.

As a mother to a son, I will make sure my DS has these life skills and not depend on a woman to do them for him, not only for him but for his future wife.