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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Parents who just won't leave their kid a bloody lone

187 replies

JackandDiane · 24/04/2016 16:47

Please stop micro managing your teens life. Packing their bags. Interfering when they're with their pals. Fussing. Repeating yourself in boringly petty instructions.

breathe

OP posts:
mamadoc · 25/04/2016 09:16

I don't have a teen yet but I don't plan on going to any uni open days.
I think I will find it hard to fathom if they do want me there. I was raring to go at that age. I would have rather died than have my parents tag along. It wasn't expected. People would have laughed at you if you did. I can't believe things have changed so much and I can't see why.

I also loved having a weekend/ school holiday job. I cleaned, waitressed and pulled pints at a hotel and I learned a lot. Responsibility, work ethic, how to do hospital corners! I loved having my own money that I earnt to spend as I pleased.

DH and his brother particularly were hopelessly mollycoddled by MIL. She asked me if I was going to turn up his trousers when we got married. I said he could either do it himself, not bother or pay someone else but no I certainly wouldn't do it. BIL still lives at home at 28 and he can barely cook for himself, she does all his washing and she is always bailing him out of debt because he has no understanding of money at all. I don't want that for my DC.

StrapOnDodo · 25/04/2016 09:27

I think that children and young adults of any age respond well to being allowed to do as much as possible independently where it is age appropriate.

Over parenting makes them react especially in the teen years in a way which is seen as rebellion, when it is often just a way of showing that they are wanting space to make their own decisions.

Watching other people overparent their kids feels uncomfortable, like witnessing a controlling partner undermine someone in public.

You wouldn't keep your child's stabilisers on their bike forever in case they fell off it; after a while it makes it harder to ride and they need to come off. Crap analogy, but Grin

bigbluebus · 25/04/2016 09:52

My DS's 6th form used to annoy me when they would send texts to parents asking them to remind DCs to go to XX meeting or return YY books. Start treating them like adults at school - especially when they are adults. And said texts would often arrive after 8.00am after my DS had already left home reminding of the need to attend a meeting that day.

I once had a text at 3.10pm asking me to ring 6th form and advise them why DS was absent - he was 18 at the time and due to leave in a few weeks. The reason he wasn't there was because 2 of his teachers were absent that day so lessons were cancelled, leaving him with only one lesson - last session of the day. As he usually went on a school bus it was not possible for him to get there just for last lesson and he didn't want to spend the whole day there with no lessons. But they could have rung/texted him and asked where he was - he was an adult after all. I was all ready to ring and tell them a)why he wasn't there and what I thought of lessons being cancelled so close to A level exams and b) ask why they didn't at least try and contact DS in the 1st instance to see where he was. And they wonder why parents carry on micro managing when DCs go to Uni.

MrsGuyOfGisbo · 25/04/2016 09:55

rung/texted him and asked where he was
Oh yes!

SistersOfPercy · 25/04/2016 10:42

I know a woman who still cuts up her child's food when they go out for meals. He's ten.
She actually got a job in his school as well to keep an eye on him. He's completely unprepared for high school poor kid.

AgentPineapple · 25/04/2016 11:06

People are different, kids are different, some need more than others... Assuming this isn't your child, why do you care and why are you getting involved?

OnTheMove28 · 25/04/2016 11:07

I was 16 when I travelled the length and breadth of the country going to University open days. At 17 I went to Uni. At 21 I emigrated to Australia. The most my parents did was wave me off at the train station. I spent the years from 21-30 growing up. If I had done what my parents wanted I would probably have gone to Oxbridge and worked in the city or been a GP - possibly better for me long term but would have resented it for many years. I hope my daughter is capable of doing what I did and, more importantly, making the right life choices at that age. If she wants my input then even better.

The other day I was doing an open day for a MSc course - most students have at least a few years of work experience so average age 24-26. I was curious to see a mature female "student" sitting at the back. When I approached her for a chat it turned out she was the mum of one of the potential candidates.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 25/04/2016 11:24

Yanbu. Babying children helps nobody.

I was on the receiving end of a couple of strops the other week because "I have nothing to wear" and "I have nothing to eat". Should've done her washing then and should have written what she needed on the list and not announced at lunchtime on a Sunday (when we had a day out planned) she had eaten the last of her faddy food requirements. Or gone to the shop herself. Ffs.

She's 19.

Dawndonnaagain · 25/04/2016 11:24

So many of you are so lucky. I have three extraordinarily gifted children. What do I do when one calls me and says I'm in my trunk, it's been a bad day? When his helpers call and say he can't talk, do you know where the meal plan is? He's 21, he has been accepted to do his masters. He will probably be a lecturer but due to his severe disabilities he needs help to function. As do dds, both with AS, both with physical disabilities which are not immediately obvious. I text them, often. If I don't, they get distressed, they needed to check on something, an idiom, or needed to get home but didn't know how to tell their host. We're working on it, but it's not really your business or your place to judge. How the fuck do you think the parents of children with additional needs feel when you post your stories of they should be doing this that and the other without parental assistance. Do you think we don't know? It's shitty to be judged like this, even on an internet forum. It worries us, makes us feel less than adequate, and makes us realise just how many people secretly judge us for things they know absolutely fuck all about. Do you think I don't want my children to be fully functioning adults? Do you think I haven't tried and am continuing to not bother to put coping strategies into place? Do you think we are all just helicopter parents? We're not. We care and our children, whether they by five or twenty five have as much right not to be judged as your little darlings who are all off living their wonderful lives because you've managed to get your parenting balance right. Hope it doesn't come back and bite you on the arse.

thecatfromjapan · 25/04/2016 11:27

I get it DawnDonna. I hate threads like this. I just assume that people are so desperate for some kind of self-validation, they don't think.

Thanks
MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 25/04/2016 11:28

It's not babying when it's to meet additional needs. It is babying when it's removing responsibility from capable children and in fact that is the very definition of not meeting the child's needs.

So yeah, I judge any parent who fails to meet their children's needs (not wants) whatever they may be.

blindsider · 25/04/2016 11:30

OP

You are preaching to the Choir here!!

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 25/04/2016 11:48

MrsD

Big hugs as always

I totally agree with you. Once kids are taught how to do stuff they can be left to do it.

DS1 is only 14 so few years before Uni open days - I will totally leave it for him to decide if he wants either/both of us to go with him. We always offer to help & be there, if they don't need it they are safe in the knowledge that we care.

Luckily we have enough of them that I don't have enough time & energy to helicopter parent! Grin

pearlylum · 25/04/2016 11:52

I disagree.
Children don't suddenly turn into responsible adults overnight. The teen years can be difficult to navigate, so many pressures and new parts of adult ,life to explore.
I do think it can be helpful to have some guidance through these turbulent years.

And what's wrong with giving some support at a University open day? When my sister started a nursing degree at the age of 39 she asked me to go along with her to the open day- why not?

OrraBoralis · 25/04/2016 11:53

I haven't RTFT but the PP who would not go to a University Open Day with her 19 year old DD is a shit mother IMO. The late teens are a very stressful time and sometimes a child, yes they are still your child, wants a hand to hold. I went with everything my DD asked me to. Sometimes I just drove her there, sometimes I actually walked in to the building with her. I did the same for my DS, that is what being a parent is all about.

I don't 'baby' my kids, my DD will Graduate in June in Primary Education. In her final year her placements have been an hours drive away. I went with her for a trial run as I did with my DS when he got his Apprenticeship. I also kept him company when he went for his first medical.

I just don't get the idea that once your child is 18 they are on their own. My kids are now 22 and 23 and very, very confident young people. Telling your 19 yo to do it alone is crappy parenting.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 25/04/2016 11:54

We always offer to help & be there, if they don't need it they are safe in the knowledge that we care.

I like that. It's the best you can hope for really.

And I hope everyone with children who need more help than others is ok. I don't think the thread was created to get at you at all Flowers Anyone who'd think less of you for doing what your child needs isn't worth even a second of your time.

pearlylum · 25/04/2016 11:54

Well said orra- I agree completely.

Janetizzy30 · 25/04/2016 12:02

My oldest is coming up to 11 and I brought him up independent as with my second youngest my 3rd has autism so I had to change my ways for him my 4th is the same as the oldest two but they all know if they need me I'm there is don't baby my babies as I was never babied when oldest dc goes high school in September Shock I will let him walk himself as he is trustworthy he shall have his own key and same for next dc gentle reminders about homework and that's that x

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 25/04/2016 12:09

I think this "babying" thing is an interesting subject. The most important bit is to have a balance between how much our children need us v how much we want to be involved.
Some parents get over incolved when the child doesn't want it and that's just awful.
Some parents don't seem to care enough and the kids feel ignored (abandoned, unloved whatever) and forced to do things on their own when they are not ready, which is even more awful.
Sometimes it's just right, the support meets the child's needs but doesn't overstep it. That's a very good situation.

I'd rather had given birth with no birth partner, than my mother hopping about & driving me nuts. Some people want & need their mums. My cousin actually chose her dad!

I think parents overdoing it can be annoying (for the children or anyone watching it and thinking "just let them be") but all things equal as long as it is not overly controlling at least these parents care. Way better than not giving a fuck.

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 25/04/2016 12:21

I'd like recommend a book:
Gary D Chapman - The Five Love Languages

It's a very interesting read and helped me understand my kids (and other people better). Some people feel more loved when others do little things for them, even if they could do it themselves mum polishing their shoes or dad making them a cup of tea just fills them with the feeling of being loved and cared for. Yes, they need to learn to do tasks and be made to do chores but that's not the point.
No matter what age, they will be immensely grateful!

This is my mum's love language, also how she shows love.
Unfortunately I couldn't careless. My lovelanguage is talking & spending time together - i don't mind if it's going for a walk or cleaning the bins, it's people's time and attention spent on me that makes me feel happy.

So OP and everyone judging, consider this as well. Smile

ZingDramaQueenOfSheeba · 25/04/2016 12:22

*Couldn't care less

(Bloody autocorrelation )

Badbadbunny · 25/04/2016 12:22

Sorry to go against the trend, but whilst my DS is living in my house, financed by me, then he's under my control. I really don't buy into this "let them make their own mistakes" crap.

There's no way I'll let him make the "mistake" of buggering up his education, getting some poor girl pregnant, getting himself involved with drink or drugs or anything else illegal, etc. For the simple reason, I'll be the one picking up the pieces when it all goes wrong for him! I'm not going to stand by and watch him bugger up his life due to making mistakes in his formative years. If other parents don't like that - tough! He has enough freedom which expands as he matures but he remains under our control, which varies according to what he's doing.

My son was exactly the kind of kid that some of the posters on here would mark down as some kind of incompetent "nannied" overgrown baby when he was 10, and some of you would have concluded he wouldn't cope with getting himself to secondary school and surviving it once he was there. Right to his last day at primary, we took him and picked him up, gave him a packed lunch every day, yes, we were helicopter parents, did everything for him, sat at parties with him where all the other parents went off to do their own thing.

When it came to his first day at secondary school, he happily got on the service bus alone (no school buses round here), got himself to school, having walked a mile through town across a couple of very busy main roads, survived a full school day, got himself to the right classrooms at the right time, bought himself lunch, got himself back home again, all without problem nor incident, and has done the same for the last 3 years. Completely self sufficient and capable of working things out for himself, like what to do when the bus is late, working out bus timetables, etc.

One of his friends from primary school was always the "grown up" one who was always allowed out later, allowed to play and do what they wanted, etc., so on the looks of things, was more "grown up", but he was the one who wet his pants on his first day at secondary school and got lost trying to find his way back to the bus station! So which one was really the more mature???

At the end of the day, we have no worries about his development and his future. Yes, it's slower than some, but throughout his life, he's been a late bloomer, ever since he was a premature baby. But, with absolutely everything he's done, he's stepped up to the mark when the time has come and proved himself. I don't give a toss whether other parents would think that he should be doing more at a certain age - what's it to do with them. He's my child, he's happy, I'm happy, he's maturing and developing well into a well-rounded individual.

If he wasn't progressing and maturing at all, then I'd be worried, but he is, and doing really well at everything he does, even if a slightly slower pace. If others don't like it, they can butt out - it's nothing to do with them!

PuttingouthefirewithGasoline · 25/04/2016 12:23

I think I will find it hard to fathom if they do want me there. I was raring to go at that age. I would have rather died than have my parents tag along

But you should not parent on what you yourself wanted or needed.

Your child is totally unique and different to you, they may in future need you there. Why say no, because YOU didn't need it?

As to the mollycoddling, I do know what you mean op, but I have a very good friend who used to make similar comments about peoples parenting, " so and so couldn't leave bla to go to shops, so and so spoiling them in the restaurant".

Due to something else friend had counseling and it came out she was never shown affection to any great degree and as such, it was envy coming out - re the constantly worrying about other peoples parenting and "perceived" molly coddling.

So to anyone who finds this irritating I would first say, ask yourself why it bothers you so much!

Vaara · 25/04/2016 12:23

How the fuck do you think the parents of children with additional needs feel when you post your stories of they should be doing this that and the other without parental assistance. Do you think we don't know? It's shitty to be judged like this, even on an internet forum.

I think it's pretty obvious from the thread that posters are talking about parents babying their NT typical kid/teenager where that kid or teenager does or should not require babying

My brother is still spoon fed and gets his nappy changed. He's 36. Is that babying? Of course not, it is taking care of the needs of a vulnerable adult. Two entirely separate and unconnected things.

Helenluvsrob · 25/04/2016 12:26

Agree with the OP. We have to raise our kids to be " out in the wild" at 18, so i reckon by 16 they should be able to do most things but " refining skills" with support .... eg you go out on the bus to meet mates but I will pick you up at 11.30 so you don't get the night bus... or i'll be on stand by if needed to collect you from a party at any point you want to be removed from a situation you don't like.

So working backwards, this means baby steps from carrying your own school bag at age 5. to helping me cross the road with you at 7 and being able to do it " pretending mums not there" at 10 in order to go to senior school alone. etc etc

The over babied teens are not a new phenomenon. I taught 18yr old students 20yrs ago and getting to a location- 4 stops on a suburban rail line from university and up one road- 3mins walk , wiped them out the first day and they didn't learn a thing! We wont even talk about the terror " when the train doors didn't open and we were carriedonto the next station". .................

My kids could deal with that " transport emergency" at 11 ! (get off at the next station cross the bridge and get the next train back again!).

Of course this is NT typical kids, no hidden disabilities etc

And nope I've not managed it perfectly with my elder 2 but am still offereing a distant helping hand ( 23yr old in new flat " muuum how do I make the washing machine work..." have you googled the make and model....)