Parents who just won't leave their kid a bloody lone

[JackandDiane]

Please stop micro managing your teens life. Packing their bags. Interfering when they're with their pals. Fussing. Repeating yourself in boringly petty instructions.

breathe

I want to know who this is about. Is it:

1. a nephew or a niece
2. a step child
3. own child's best friend
4. close friend's child

whats a lone, and why must we leave our kids one?

Dd16 has a friend like this. Parents on the phone every two seconds. I'm actually quite strict but I'm sure they think I'm the worlds most lax parent. I only contact did if she's late or I have a question (what do you want for tea?) not where are you now, are you at x yet, where are you now, how long until you are back...

summerainbow Sun 24-Apr-16 17:04:50

"One my son freinds was taken to school every day till he was 18 . Then shipped off to uni ( that he did not chose ) 100 of miles away . He returned home after the 1st year aas he couldn't cope . He still has not finished his degree or ever worked aas he is now mental ill. "

You don't think this could be because he had a mental illness from the start and the parents were trying to manage as best they could?

I know when dd had MH problems I did not go around advertising the fact to all and sundry, but of course there were ways in which my parenting was affected.

Also a lot of my parenting was rather hit and miss because of her problems (both MH and physical disability) were undiagnosed for a long time, so I genuinely didn't know how much I was supposed to give in to them (have since realised I was probably too harsh).

Just a thought.

But otherwise, no I'm firmly on the non-babying side.

I have finally trained DC (18 & 16) to text me to let me know when they are coming home and where from ( London) as this informs me re food etc.
When I go to bed, I switch my messages to silent, but phone still audible, so if in trouble they can phone, but otherwise I will only see the message if I wake up in the night and they are not home...
DS1 surprised me by asking me to come to his Uni open days because he wanted a lift up to him. He knows (I hope) that we are there without question if he need us, but otherwise don't butt in.

I think I am actually in love with TheCatFromJapan and her/his deep yet random mind.

Wasn't there a thread recently with lots of university lecturers marvelling at how incompetent their students seemed to have become and what a pain it was dealing with them?

So in fact it is other people's business if you parent in a way that creates an adult that then inconveniences those around him or her.

RandomMess you could be describing my ds who was just too tired to walk much of the time. There were lots of parents judging me for pushing him in a pushchair when he was "old enough to walk." My instinct was that he wasn't being lazy and that it wasn't better for him for me to insist that he walked. Well as it turned out, we finally got his disease diagnosed at age 10 and it's a disease that means he doesn't produce enough energy to run his body. If I had made him walk when he was too tired, he might not have been able to get out of bed the next day, or maybe ended up in hospital. Now at 15 he has a permanent handicap placard as he often can't walk a few block and then manage a whole day of school on top of that. And I see everyone judging me for parking in a handicap spot with an apparently able bodied teenager.

I agree that kids need independence, but for the most part parents should be allowed judgement-free to figure out what their child needs.

Summer rain , don't judge until you have walked that road . Having a ,mentally ill young person in the family isn't fun and it isn't something a parent would choose for their child and mental illness is unlikely to have been caused by taking a child to school every day but people like you will always oversimplify and judge .

Very probably that was the only way they could get said teen to school every day wS to take them, they were hoping against hope that said teen would get A levels and that the university environment would suit them better and things would improve .They didn't and now they are presumebly supporting their young person at home alone , whilst the the rest of the world judges them .

My 19 year old asked me to accompany her to uni open days - erm no, you reckon you are going to uni in October this is part of the process of showing yourself that you are ready to go!!! 19 FFS!!!!

Jesus, it sounds like you're trying to punish her for the fact she "reckons she's going to uni". Are you hoping she'll feel overwhelmed by it and realise she's made a big mistake?

ah now I am BOTH ways about Univeristy OPen days

I was all bla bla he can do it, then we had an AS DISASTER and i went to the next one in October Y13. He said we did it FAR better than he had done it alone. I think the kids themselves can be a bit aimless, depends on the kid- I expect girls are better

Random mess. A lot of parents go to open days with their DC now. In fact it is the done thing for parents to go and universities often invite parents to accompany their DCs.
This not for the parents to micro manage but so they can give advice when needed.
Also universities often put on separate talks for parents

( but it ended up as just a fun day out - we had a blast, he can do the next and final one himself now he had a bit more of an idea)

Thing is Sofia for the vast majority there won't be a hidden disability.... you know that and I know that. And yet every thread on here it seems someone will pop up with 'what about the disabled children wail'....
I have three sons, one with schizophrenia and asd and one with asd but not everything they ever do is linked to 'what's wrong'. They need to learn to see these things as a Lego chunk of their beings not the be all and end all.....

When dh and I were buying our house, in our 30's, we asked his parents to come with us- not because either of us had been babied or couldn't cope with adult life, but simply because we felt 4 pairs of eyes are better than two. It was very useful to have FIL sit quietly in the kitchen asking sneaky questions while we walked around and got a feel of the house.

So from that pov I don't see anything wrong with accompanying your child on their uni tour. I didn't go with dd though - she wouldn't let me. And I really wanted to see what a drama school looks like

Sofia - I can honestly say I assumed there was a reason why they used the pushchair, even down to being too tired. It didn't bother me, I hadn't been judging. I didn't even ask - it came up in conversation as I asked where they now lived as I never saw them walking the same way as us, turned out they'd moved and came by car now. It was the parent that said "she's just too lazy" - that did shock me because basically her DC didn't ever have to do anything they didn't want to because as she told me herself "I want my DC to like me"

Not sure why you think there couldn't possibly people out there who parent in that way and that actually that isn't what is best for their DC... At what age does one put their foot down and say "no" to their DC requests? Entitled adults presumably started off life as entitled children?

I am sure Sofia knows that too, wannabe, and I wouldn't normally have chimed in with the disabled aspect, but it was just the way Summer rain seemed to think that driving your son to school would make him mentally ill.

Sorry, got muddled, apologies: we were talking about different posters and different parents.

We went with our both our older ds's to open days to listen to the chat about the course , see the premises and where they'll live.

Why wouldn't a parent choose not to go if they could?

We don't bother our boys, text weekly to check in and that's it.

• would

Yes she is going to Uni in Oct provided she gets the grades she needs, I suggested a year working to save some £ would be good, but she doesn't want to wait (absolutely fine with me HER life HER choice), she even plans to go on a course where 2nd year is in either the US/Australia.

She had previously been to a few open days with friends, then all of a sudden couldn't possibly go to this one on her own but I know MY DD and I knew it was about wanting company. She is keen to pull the "I'm only 19" line when it suits her. Certainly had she not being getting the train regularly up and down the country since the age of 13 I would have gone with her!

Funnily enough she managed the last 2 open days on her own and has made her decision which happened to agree with my preference which I'm relieved about but I felt that with the debt she will incur that she needs to own her decision.

She had/has my blessing with whatever she chooses to do, I'll be here in the background with a home, love & support but I think she's ready to go!

Has anyone read 'Buy me the sky' by Xinran? It's a series of stories describing the lives of spoilt only children in China (spoilt because they are the only children the parents were permitted to have) and some of it was just one girl didn't know how a knife worked, for instance. There was an overwhelming sense of resentment from the young people that they weren't taught how to take care of themselves, and also resentment from the parents that the DC weren't grateful to them. I can't help but wonder if parallel cases could be found here these days (rarer, but still present).

TinklyLittleLaugh I love you too.

SummerRainbow Cory and HildaFlorence almost certainly correct in their interpretation. Don't feel bad - many people wouldn't realise unless they have experienced it/been intimate enough to be told. However, rationally, it is a weeny bit improbable that being driven to school is correlated with later MH issues. I'm not going to be mean and ask if you thought about that before you pressed 'post' - I've done similar myself, here and in real life (and it was far, far worse when I did it in RL). It's a learning experience - and it's good to learn.

JackandDiane I'm guessing this was a social occasion, with you having invited friends with children around. Perhaps the parent is shy? People often do that with small children (use them as a sort of comfort blanket to hide behind), less often with older children (usually so delighted at an excuse to relax they are glued to wine glass and adult company), but some adults are just a little bit shy.

I completely agree some DC at whatever age ever need or just want more parental input. DD1 is erm very strong willed, chose her own 6th form, dropped out after 2 terms realising she'd picked the wrong subjects (hadn't listened to my advice ) chose a new one and chose new subjects. She's had part time jobs for a while.

I can tell when she actually needs my input and when she's putting it on. Also it's unfortunate but my annual leave is very limited and I couldn't announce at a few weeks notice that I needed a particular 2 days off to accompany her.

Bit like how she "doesn't know how to use the washing machine" but then all of a sudden she managed when she needed something in a rush. Funny how she could read the instruction book after all!

She does try and pull some corkers...

Life is very entertaining with 4 DDs all of whom have very differing personalities and needs - some of them are far more receptive to learning life skills than others...