Parents who just won't leave their kid a bloody lone

[JackandDiane]

Please stop micro managing your teens life. Packing their bags. Interfering when they're with their pals. Fussing. Repeating yourself in boringly petty instructions.

breathe

I am quite a lax parent...my 18 year old son sorted out his own uni and all i had to do was submit my details for his student finance etc...he is back now for the summer and has found a job and i am feeding him and doing his laundry etc....i think he is fairly independent and despite some chaotic times in my own life ive not done too bad a job x

Vaara are you suggesting it's better to not give a shit about your kids than to baby them then?

I agree I would want to see somewhere my adult child is going to spend years and lots of my money, because I may have different ideas/priorities to them.

We drove DD to her Uni interview (as it was a five hour drive away) and then basically dropped her at the door in the morning. She was there all day on her own with all the other would-be students and then she met us later. She certainly didn't need us to go in and hold her hand.

She holds down a part-time job (two shifts at the weekend) as well as studying. She's applied for uni, applied for the loans, is sorting out digs and I'm proud of her for doing all this on her own but actually do expect her to be able to try to do it. She will be a very long way from home next year and if she can't sort things for herself there's not much I can do to fix anything from so far away. She can cook, use the washing machine and manage her money. She's 17.

DD2 is 10 and has been entrusted to go and do an activity after school one day a week which is in a different venue. She knows what time to leave there to come home in time for swimming. She hasn't let me down and she also knows how to do basic cooking, use the washing machine and is learning to manage money.

My DSD's mother insisted that at age 10 someone pick her up from an activity which was in the same street as our house as it was unsafe for her to walk alone. At 4.30pm. It was a minutes walk, I could see her from the house but no, someone had to actually go and walk her home. We live in an almost crime-free area. The neighbourhood watch leaflet has details of local crimes and it's mainly 'a group of youths were seen loitering'. Absolute madness. Now she's 12 and it's fine for her to travel on the train on her own because it means her mum doesn't need to drive her.

One of my teens friends is grounded permanently at the moment. She's nearly 18 and is not allowed to do any activities or volunteering or her job until her exams are over. She's got to go to school and come home and study. That's it. I know these exams are important but I fear that once this girl escapes to Uni she will go off the rails. She's going crazy stuck at home while DD and other friends are going to the cinema on a friday night to wind down from the week.

jollyfrenchy I truly have no idea how you would read my post and conclude I think it's ok to not give a shit about your kids.

I'm generally hands off with my kids, but I definitely give a shit about them! Like I said, I'm not a slave and I expect them to be able to do age appropriate stuff for themselves. This would definitely include going to uni open days - I'd regard myself as a bit of a failure if they needed me to come with them.

coffee that is really sad. One of the younger ones classmates Yr6 has parents like that - not allowed any hobbies or interests at all as school is too important

I remember when my eldest first started walking home from junior school on her own (no road crossing issues) my heart in my mouth when she was later than usual - usually staying behind 5 minutes as she was on chair duty then dawdling. Same now when she works late and I wake up and the hall light is on meaning she's not home and it's getting on. Never stop worrying but she really is very capable but loves being a "drama queen"!

I love it when my DC are proud of their own achievements/accomplishments and also proud when something hasn't gone to plan but the cope and move on and try again.

I remember when I went to uni the only thing I rang and asked my parents about was how to make Yorkshire puddings as I couldn't remember! At these days they have google at their finger tips...

BTW I pay for a private education for my kids so I see uni in the same way. I pay, but I don't expect anything back from it. I pay because I think it's valuable and I want to pay. I don't think I have any say in where they go, what they study or how much value they get from their degree.

If you pay for your child's education, be that uni or prep school then you give open handedly. I don't think it's right to give with the one hand and hold the strings with the other - your child owes you nothing and it would be awful to think that they somehow feel they've let you down if they pick the wrong course, or don't do as well as the wanted etc etc.

Agree with every word said by Vaara. hen it comes to what I do give (which will involve help with uni) I give open handedly and do not expect anything in return. I will tell them if I cannot afford something (for instance, if they need to choose the cheapest accommodation going) but that is as far as I will go. Who says I understand these things better than they?

Drives me nuts what my DC peers parents do for them as it makes me look like a bitch and unreasonable

DD friends mother choses her underwear and lays out her uniform eve morning - she's 15

Another friend DD is picked up from school by car - she lives a 2 minute walk away

I could go on

DD2 today "mom my chargers broke - can you find me another one?" No

DS "mom can you make me tea?" No

They are 11

I am not a slave - they need to be independent and do things for themselves -

Depends on the parents and the child. (I assumed original post by a teen fed up with a fussy mother but I might be wrong). Mines are independent because I've always worked full time and I don't fuss. That does not mean I ignore them. I have given them the tools to be responsible on their own. Driving test at age 17 etc etc Other parents have different views and are more involved. Mine all cook extremely well for example from scratch probably because I couldn't be bothered to cook for them. I can hear 3 sons in the kitchen next door just now cooking. They do that because I didn't and I thereby gave them a huge advantage in life and ditto in many other areas. Lucky them.

Worse parent for this I knew was the wife of a friend of my exh. Their son was coming towards the end of his medical degree and was home for one of the holidays.

He had plans to meet up with some of his local friends for the evening but his mother wouldn't let him go out until he'd completed some work he had to do for his course, and done it to her satisfaction. Not sure how she'd have known anyway, she was a teacher, not a medic.

My exh, my h at the time, was telling me, not in a 'this woman is nuts' kind of way but in a 'she's a really good mother, watching out for her children' way.

For someone who never took any interest in what his children were doing I found that a bit odd, but that's probably for a different post.

It's a parents job to teach their children life skills and independence. I think some parents just get trapped in the role of molly coddling and doing everything without realising the consequences until it's too late.

This starts in primary with little things like packing their own school bag, being responsible for PE kit, remembering things like homework. Then in secondary being even more independent getting to and from school, use public transport, dealing with deadlines for assignments, learning to manage money, make decisions, cook, clean up, do laundry, iron a shirt, make appointments. These are all little things that we grown ups take forgranted but unless parents make a conscious effort many kids reach 18 totally clueless.

I micro manage DD because I have no choice. I tried the she'll learn from her mistakes , however after 3 months of this she was given "one last chance" at school. She is incapable of doing anything without harassment and I hate it but it's easier for me to help with homework, remind them force/do myself pack bags/pe kits etc rather than incurring more behaviour points and get her excluded. I used to not micro manage her social life till she started lying , drinking and smoking weed in other county's whilst I naively thought she was st a friends watching films!

Going to uni open days and giving support throughout the process of applying is not the same as saying 'go where I want or I won't give you any financial support'. It is, however a lot of money to spend and being with your kids at open days and sharing views might prevent an expensive mistake.

I actually think it is rather sad and mean not to carry a 3 year old's bag because you 'are not a fucking slave'. No you are not vaara but you are a parent - carrying the bag of a 3 year old is not a big ask!

I hate all this.

There are parents who genuinely don't give a shit and parents who can't because they don't know how to.

This thread is just being smug about small differences and/or parents who are being made to feel bad.

Seriously. I could tell it would turn out this way from the opening post.

Why fall for it?

All of you on this thread who are feeling bad - don't. You're doing your best. That's great. Good for you. Your children are lucky - they are loved. Well done to you.

NN I carry my bag, and usually a load of shopping or whatever else I have to schlep that day. DD carries her stuff because.... she can! Why wouldn't she? She's lucky enough to have working arms and legs so she uses them.

I'm a LP, I work full time and I have no family - it's all hands to the pump in my house. DD is responsible for tidying her room, clearing her meal things away, making her bed, carrying her bag etc etc because I already have my hands full.

I'm not forcing her to feed me grapes on a chaise longue yet

DD never got to walk to a local shop to buy sweets (10 mile walk) or pop round to her friends to play....same reason so I started putting her on the train to the local town, then the next town , then London to expand her horizons and become independent.

She left home to go to college at 16 but her landlady has been pleasantly surprised by her capabilities for a 'young' one & land lady has been looking after students for over 20 years

She was however concerned that DD didn't know the difference between Fabric conditioner & washing powder/liquid....mainly because I have allergies & we don't use it

It's scary that you don't know what they know/don't know until it causes a problem

Oh and FWIW I see loads of kids in my junior class who, at the end of the day positively throw their school bags at their parents and saunter off with hardly a hello. Meanwhile parents picking two or more kids up are weighed down like pack donkeys.

It shows such a lack of respect. Not on my watch, madam!

I think kids are generally more immature these days - when I was 16-18 we all went to uni open days alone - there was no parental involvement. Even at at sixth form in terms of contacting parents regarding absence, parents evening etc. I was very much considered the adult and reviews were fond between student and teacher.

I went on holiday abroad with friends from 17. Most people I knew did and loads went travelling round the works at 18 on gap years. I think 16 has become the new 18-19. Parents going to uni open days is the norm now whereas I certainly never saw it that way at all 20 years ago- people were way more independent then and took more ownership.

Gap years seem more likely to occur after uni, kids I know are age 19/20 and still haven't been away without parents etc

Plus also most people I knew had part time jobs from 15 and working through sixth form was considered normal where's all the kids I know age 15-18 don't work at all, not even Saturday jobs. My parents didn't fund me socially (apart from clothes etc) from age 16 and I worked 20 hours a week doing dishes, Saturday work etc whilst doing it A levels. It rarely happens these days til uni as parents just naturally fund their kids for longer, treating them as less independent. I wander if this is why so many go to uni unprepared

This thread is just being smug

I'm very rarely called snug - but if raising your children to be fully functioning adults is smug judge away.

I am probably one of those parents you all consider to be over involved. I went to open days, helped my child chose a university, he didn't have a Saturday job through school or do his own laundry. I even carried his school bag when he was little.
He has turned out fine. He is happy at uni, has managed to work the washing machine etc. He's fine and is turning into a thoughtful, kind adult.

Just to add that part of the Saturday job thing with parents is that those jobs are harder to get than they were when we were teens, esp if you live in a small place with bad public transport. Although for me, I'd had lots of horrible jobs to pay for my teen and uni years and I wanted to spare my dc that experience and give them the opportunity to just concentrate on uni work.

As long as they know you are always there for them when they really need you that's the best you can do.

If that's going to uni open day or doing their ironing as they are running late then why wouldn't you.

It's like and loving relationship about give and take.

You can raise strong resilient and kind adults by modelling that behaviour to them.

I wouldn't Dream of refusing to accompany mine to a uni open day if asked! One did and one didn't.

Why would you say no. Baffled.

I bet there is a huge difference between the parent of one and the parent of nine

I can't get excited about this. And I'm frequently agog at people who do.
Everybody is different. Unless someone is actually putting their child at risk I have no business getting irate and opinionated about the way they do things.

Yy onlyicanclean