Housework - who ibu?

[nobilityobliges]

I am 25 and getting married to my boyfriend of five years this summer. He is fantastic, and I love him very much. Pretty much the only problem in our relationship arises out of arguments about housework.

I am a really messy person. On top of this, I am currently working as a trainee solicitor in a big London firm, which means that I often don't get in til 9 or 10pm, sometimes have to work weekends. So I have a limited amount of free time, which I don't want to spend doing housework.

My fiancé, on the other hand, is pretty houseproud, and mess stresses him out. I try to accommodate him, and am a lot tidier than I would otherwise be. I also pay for a cleaner to come weekly. He still does more housework though. However, he has a lot more free time than me - he has been at home finishing his phd for a while, and now he has finished it, he is brushing up his coding skills (a different area from his phd) before beginning a job in that area in a few months time (he already has the job). I think this is a good career move and support him in it. I supported him financially through the last year of his phd, and am still supporting him now (ie I pay rent/council tax/food bills/going out etc). I'm happy to do this, and he is really working hard getting his skills up to speed and is definitely not just lazing around the house while I'm at work.

But my fiancé still just brings up my messiness a lot. For example, there will often be a buildup of my breakfast/dinner stuff in the sink (my bf washes up as he goes). I also often just leave stuff lying round -- eg my make up on the sofa after I apply it in the morning then rush out without putting it away, coffee cups round the living room, clothes in a pile on the chair in our room rather than put away etc etc. Nothing major, but definitely quite a bit of general mess. My fiancé thinks that this stuff is completely unreasonable and that I'm completely selfish for not being tidier.

My view is that (1) it's my flat too, and he has to accept that we'll be meeting in the middle mess-wise, (2) I am working very hard at a job, and it's unreasonable to expect me to also spend ages on housework, when this is something I fundamentally don't give a shit about and (3) I am contributing a lot by paying the rent and bills, so even if he ends up doing more housework than me, it's still a fair split.

The problem is that when I raise the fact that I am paying bills he gets very upset, and tells me that I'm trying to control him financially, and that if it was a man telling a woman this I'd be up in arms etc. I just don't know what's right. I do make an effort, but I'm not going to transform into a really tidy person, and I feel he should cut me some slack. I also acknowledge that he is putting every effort into increasing his future earning potential, but also feel that my current financial contribution shouldn't count for nothing either.

We seem to spend so much of our time arguing about this, and it's bringing me down. Any views or advice would be appreciated! Sorry this is so long....

The more I think about it, the more of a nob he is.

He only does his own washing in the week, but you do the washing for both of you at the weekend?

Why the fuck? Why?

You know, just because wedding's been planned, booked etc., doesn't mean you have to go ahead and do it. Divorce is expensive. Do you have wedding insurance?

How is the 50/50 housework irrespective of hours and earnings going to work when you have children and are on maternity leave? Will you leave 50% of the baby's bottles/dishes/clothes for him to wash when he gets home from work on the basis of his 50% genetic contribution?

I don't see why you and your dh shouldn't cook alternate nights Evergreen?

It becomes very boring cooking every night, very quickly! Presumably you choose to do your job and the 4 hour commute that goes with it.

I am the untidy one in my relationship and my dh puts up with a lot from me. But then I put up with a lot from him too. Unless you are wholly compatible in every way, every long-term relationship involves HUGE compromises. Imo.

SpaceCadet's post is excellent!

Slovenly! Wtf! She does 50/50 housework, pays for a cleaner, and leaves a used coffee cup and her makeup bag out in the morning when she's had just a few hours' sleep and is dashing out the door early - and that's slovenly?!
And clothes on a chair in the bedroom - not exactly the crime of the century.
Either a lot of people have ridiculously high standards even when working incredibly long hours under immense pressure, or they haven't read the OP's posts properly.

My DH is very, very messy and I am tidy . We do have words sometimes over his messiness and he makes an effort to tidy more but likewise I have learnt to turn a blind eye to mess that does not directly impact on me. (Mess on the computer table, mess on his bedside table, his clothes dumped on the floor at his side of the bed where I can't see them.)

More importantly when one of us is ill, stressed or very busy we have learnt to cut each other some slack.

I agree with PPs that the clothes left lying about and leaving the washing up for days is unacceptable and it would save you time in the long run to keep up with those things. However, I'm afraid your fiancé is being very petty doing his own washing up and laundry only and nagging about minor things when you have had a long day. Maybe you could make more effort with keeping your clothes tidy and wash up 2 days during the working week and then at the weekend split tasks 50/50? That way he can see you are making an effort and you don't take him for granted. In return he needs to stop the petty nonsense with the laundry and washing up and let little things go like the cups left until you get home.

He probably feels a bit shitty that he is not earning and is taking it out on you. This has led to you getting resentful, which he probably picks up on. That makes him angrier with himself and he takes it out on you. Round and round in a viscous circle!

If you can't reach a compromise and he won't talk then I'm afraid I agree with other posters that it may be best to cancel or postpone the wedding.

Good luck with your training OP.

"Leaving clothes around like that is just inconsiderate. It would take you a second to put them in the hamper rather than on the chair. "

Surely these are clothes that are to be re-worn, not clothes for the dirty washing basket, so the chair is the appropriate place for them. Most people leave such clothes on a chair in the bedroom!

All these people saying she should put her cup in the dishwasher and she's made it clear many times that they DON'T HAVE A DISHWASHER. She takes her cup to the sink, which is the equivalent. That's what I do as well and then wash when I have a few more things to wash, a waste of water otherwise.

Surely these are clothes that are to be re-worn, not clothes for the dirty washing basket, so the chair is the appropriate place for them. Most people leave such clothes on a chair in the bedroom!

I do!

No there was also suggestion of dishes being left for days. I couldn't bear that and I'm no neat freak.

I think this may be a maturity issue on both sides. I get that a magic circle trainee is tough. I did something similar. I do actually know full well how hard it is. But honestly now I work so much harder, have so much more responsibility, have so much less time than I did when I was in my 20s. OP just sounds a bit hard done by about it all. The getting up early and having to work so hard there's no time to clear away a dish... I just doubt that that is literally the case. More likely she feels resentful about the hard won career that's thankless and the DP who is peevish.

Perhaps that's fair enough but refusing to make small adjustments like getting up slightly earlier sound like there's actually a silent war of attrition going on. I also don't like the sound of him doing his own washing only.

I cannot believe what a hard time you've been given on here, op. Nothing you have said suggests to me you are slovenly, lazy or live in a tip!

To those saying it's not hard to wash a cup, no it's not, but it's also not hard to ignore a cup, which is all the op is asking him to do. Why is the messy person always in the wrong? It doesn't exactly sound like a health hazard.

Between us, dh and I have worked long hours, worked shorter hours, been out of work, done a phd, been at home with children so I do understand everything you are both doing and I cannot see how he is supporting and caring for you at all. In fact, with the whole only doing his own washing up, washing his clothes but not yours it sounds like he is treating you like a student housemate who just happens to pay for everything.

I have done a PhD and I have also done very long hours jobs (thankfully never for long periods of time) - and, yeah, the PhD was stressful but working 14 hour days was much MUCH worse.

I also had funding for 3 years but took a bit longer to write up as did many of my friends and acquaintances. We all did part-time work (sometimes tutoring/lecturing but equally often random jobs like a bit of bar work or office temping) to finance it. He is really bloody lucky that you just paid for it. Even now, I don't really get why he can't do a bit of temping or other work to bring in a bit of money while he's waiting for his job to start.

Well, I have this the other way round. I am a SAHM, my DH works very hard and full-time. I am not bothered about him leaving coffee cups out, stuff on chairs etc as he is out early, pressurised job, late home etc. Its nice for him to come back and relax (makes me sound like a Stepford wife . I have a child to look after but no pressure and time to have a coffee with friends in the day etc. We are both happy with how it works. If he got really messy (sometimes leaves coat and briefcase where we can trip over them) I move them to an obscure place so they are tidy, which is an irritation enough for him to get the message

So I think that the OP is a saint!

You don't have kids, tidying up as you make the mess should be easy.

Apply the rule 'only touch things once'

And declutter. The less you have the easier it is to keep tidy

I have done a PhD and I have also done very long hours jobs (thankfully never for long periods of time) - and, yeah, the PhD was stressful but working 14 hour days was much MUCH worse.

It varies though. I was a lot more stressed when doing my PhD (more than 20 years ago) than any job I've had since and it also involved long hours. For me, life was a real slog at the time and even now, I feel a bit pissed off at some of the ignorant comments regarding "real jobs" etc etc.

The more I read the more I think he's being really U and petty.

I am on maternity leave at the moment and the number one thing that annoys me is my husband leaving half drunk cups of tea around the house when he goes to work. Didn't annoy me when I was at work too but i don't want to sit and stare at them all day so I have to tidy them up and it does feel like a massive 'fuck you'. I'm happy to do cleaning / housework etc as I'm at home but man, those mugs annoy the hell out of me. I'm with your boyfriend!

Sorry but YABU. You share living space so it's not on to be as messy as you are. It takes seconds to tidy stuff and put it where it belongs.

I'm also with the OP - she's doing more than her fair share and her BF is being incredibly petty. Who does their own washing up (presumably as he's at home more, he'll have more washing up to do) and leaves a cup for someone else to do? As others have said, he has so much more flexibility in his routine that he should pick up more of the slack to support his partner. She's not leaving anything smelly or dirty out (unwashed dinner plates or fruit peel) or clothes on the floor - he needs to stop keeping score on who's doing what and think of them being on the same team.

Wtaf?? I've read the op and the first few pages saying yabu... Seriously???

In my mind, of course yanbu.

He sounds like a twat.

My dh works full time, I work part time, we have 2 dc; I have no problem whatsoever doing all the hw, I even pick up his cups. Because I have far more time than him.

I think you have to be a bit of an arse to merrily spend the money your oh is earning, then refuse to wash up their morning coffee cup despite having all day to do so.

Please don't even think about kids unless you can get this matter resolved.

I'm sorry to go back to it but someone who would wash clothes or dishes whilst ignoring their partners is not someone you want to be raising a child with.

He's either got some serious issues with his upbringing that need addressing or some serious growing up to do!

Op, DH and I have both find the same job as you are and found the only thing that worked was agreeing expectations and equal leisure time.

I.e now, we both work, we have DCs who need to be strongly encouraged to do homework, housework, diy etc. It is not fair for one person to be relaxing before the other unless all the jobs that need to be done have been done satisfactorily.

There are jobs that need to be done, but you have to act as a team - I think DH would rightly be pretty pissed off with me if he got in at 1am and had to start washing up then I was going mine anyway.

I think you have a much bigger issue than a bit of tidying.

All this is signalling deeper incompatibility issues (not to mention a pretty unplayable sense of entitlement on his part).

At the risk of being flamed, I find it really surprising when people post about feeling so clearly annoyed and (deep down) angry with the person they're proposing to spend the rest of their life with.

It's one thing to feel like this years into a marriage - after kids and life has thrown its best at you. But before marriage? If you're not feeling like an aligned team at this stage, married life is going to come as an unholy shock.