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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's unnecessary for both parents to go to toddler group?

80 replies

LissaLoves · 23/04/2016 23:24

On a Wednesday I take 15 month old DS to a sensory arty type group in the morning and him and his 4 year old sister to a toddler group in the afternoon. In between, we usually have lunch out - either a picnic at the park near DDs nursery or at the cafe near there so we're out from 10.30-3.30 when we return from school with DD8.

After a chat about DP needing to get more involved with the DC (currently they want nothing to do with him and for him to not do anything for them) he suggested that he come along on a Wednesday rather than do his hobby like he usually does when he has a Wednesday off (usually alternate weeks.) I agreed it was a good way to get involved but I don't see that we should both go; I think it's a one parent thing and that it'd be ideal if I could have that time without them to get some jobs done. He's not backing out saying he doesn't think he can go alone Hmm I've offered to go together the first time so he knows where he's going etc. but he really thinks we should go together each time.

Aibu to think that toddler groups like this are not meant for a family outing?

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 23/04/2016 23:27

I think if you go as a couple the other parents will assume you don't really want to talk/interact with them and will leave you to it. I wouldn't really want to do it tbh, I'd rather talk to the other parents.

NapQueen · 23/04/2016 23:28

I think if a husband/dad does his fair share of child stuff on his own then all going as a family is nice. It may not be necessary but surely quite fun. The issue here isn't that he is turning it into a family event but that he is refusing to do the solo parenting.

My husband takes the 18mo and the 4.4yo out all the time without me - soft plays, park, shopping, swimming. No way could I stand being the only parent who is actually prepared to, you know, parent. Solo.

Marzipants · 23/04/2016 23:33

It would be a bit odd for you both to go, it's not like it's actually fun for the parent. How about you stay and do your jobs and he takes the DCs out somewhere else? My DH is very involved with our DC but he's always hated mother and baby groups.

BestZebbie · 23/04/2016 23:34

YANBU.
However, your DH may not simply be workshy about solo parenting, he may be legitimately worried that he will be the only man there and get shunned by all the other parents (as apparently this does happen to dads at baby groups).

InionEile · 23/04/2016 23:36

I've been at toddler groups where both parents attend so it's not unheard of. Sounds like you deserve a break from the DC though so it shouldn't be a big deal for him to do it.

Am in a similar boat. DH will sometimes stay home with the DC alone but would never take both of them out on a day trip alone.

Original poster
LissaLoves · 23/04/2016 23:39

It's not just the groups, he doesn't want to take them anywhere alone under the guise of 'missing family time' when he's working. Also known as being intimidated by his own dc which he's fully admitted this week. I don't see how he'll ever gain confidence in dealing with there if I'm always there 'just in case.'

OP posts:
Eminado · 23/04/2016 23:42

Also known as being intimidated by his own dc which he's fully admitted this week.

👆🏽
That is your issue.

How does he propose to address this?
He is being very unfair to you, you deserve time to yourself.

NapQueen · 23/04/2016 23:50

The only way his confidence with the kids will increase is by spending solo time with them.

Find yourself something regular to do for a few hours one weekend day a week and he has to then be in charge of the kids during that time.

Honestly I'd hold no truck with this sort of nonsense and frankly how you've got to this far down the line without dealing with it is beyond me

OneMagnumisneverenough · 23/04/2016 23:51

When I was on Mat Leave with DS1 I went to toddler group - that's where I met his childminder and she continued to take him there. DH gave up work when DS1 was about 10 months old and he carried on taking him,. Shortly after that, DS2 was born and we were both at home for a few months while I was on mat leave and we both went - it was like a family day out and we both chatted to everyone as we had an independent relationship with them. DH ended up being the snack convenor for a while.

I agree it's not about going as a couple per se but about his issues with being on his own with them. I'd cut him a bit slack though and go with him a couple of times before dumping him in the deep end. Do any other men go and is it quite an open group? When we moved, the new place we lived gave DH a bit of wide berth being the only man at toddlers, it was a shame as he'd been the only man at the previous group and it hadn't been an issue at all.

Original poster
LissaLoves · 23/04/2016 23:52

He is clueless. He wants to add deciding how to improve things to my never ending list of everything else I have to do.

Tonight I told 4 year old that daddy would bath her while I took DS to collect DD8 from a party. I returned to DD4 screaming the house down and cowering in the corner of the bath facing the wall. She'd been in there for 50 minutes and was cold but DP didn't know what to do, so just did nothing Sad

OP posts:
AndNowItsSeven · 23/04/2016 23:58

Does your dp have Asd op?

Original poster
LissaLoves · 24/04/2016 00:01

DP? No. DD is currently being assessed for it, though.

OP posts:
AndNowItsSeven · 24/04/2016 00:06

My dd has Asd not attemtittung to diagnose your dh over the Internet. However the bath incident is something my dd would do. (hypothetically) In situations where she doesn't know what to she does nothing. She also lacks confidence.
Asd does have genetic components.

MadamDeathstare · 24/04/2016 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AndNowItsSeven · 24/04/2016 00:06

Ahh attempting

Eminado · 24/04/2016 00:10

He didnt know to take a cold child out of the bath after FIFTY minutes?
Am I missing something?

NapQueen · 24/04/2016 00:12

He couldn't pick a cold child out of the bath and wrap a towel around them? I'm sorry OP but this man is either a dick or needs some sort of medical assessment.

GlitteryFluff · 24/04/2016 00:14

Yeah I don't get that either.
Put more hot in / get them out?

Karoleann · 24/04/2016 00:16

My DH would rather have stuck pins in his eyeballs than go to a toddler group - especially sensory art. (I'm not sure that something I would consider either). But no, you can't go together that would be weird.

Put the emphasis on him instead - you're having a day with DS - what do you want to do with him? Suggest a couple of options and see what he'd rather do.

My DH is okay sometimes with them. He's not a natural parent and its hard for him when he doesn't spend as much time with the children,

MiscellaneousAssortment · 24/04/2016 00:19

Assuming not ASD, he's got so used to behaving like a passive ickle babykins that he doesn't even know how to turn his brain back on to help his little girl in distress. Ugh.

Sorry, I hate 'learned helplessness' in fully grown men. It's revolting.

lorelei9here · 24/04/2016 00:23

He has three children and he has no idea how to cope?
I'm a bit flummoxed. The toddler group sounds like the least of the worries.

mammmamia · 24/04/2016 00:24

I'm so sorry OP but it sounds like you have some more basic issues to address if he can't bath them, let alone taking them out. What was he like when they were born?

lorelei9here · 24/04/2016 00:24

I'm guessing you mean she screamed so much he didn't try to take her out of the bath? If he just ignored her full stop then I'd be very alarmed.

mammmamia · 24/04/2016 00:24

Cross post

BillBrysonsBeard · 24/04/2016 00:44

I sometimes wish I had taken DP or a friend with me as everyone else seems to go in pairs and therefore don't socialise with anyone else. I'm not there to socialise anyway, just to be around DS... But I am usually the one alone like a lemon! So at mine, everyone goes in pairs.