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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think it's unnecessary for both parents to go to toddler group?

80 replies

LissaLoves · 23/04/2016 23:24

On a Wednesday I take 15 month old DS to a sensory arty type group in the morning and him and his 4 year old sister to a toddler group in the afternoon. In between, we usually have lunch out - either a picnic at the park near DDs nursery or at the cafe near there so we're out from 10.30-3.30 when we return from school with DD8.

After a chat about DP needing to get more involved with the DC (currently they want nothing to do with him and for him to not do anything for them) he suggested that he come along on a Wednesday rather than do his hobby like he usually does when he has a Wednesday off (usually alternate weeks.) I agreed it was a good way to get involved but I don't see that we should both go; I think it's a one parent thing and that it'd be ideal if I could have that time without them to get some jobs done. He's not backing out saying he doesn't think he can go alone I've offered to go together the first time so he knows where he's going etc. but he really thinks we should go together each time.

Aibu to think that toddler groups like this are not meant for a family outing?

OP posts:

LumpySpacedPrincess · 25/04/2016 07:04

Seriously, why are you with him?

Does he have a job? Does he manage to hold that down without complaint?

whois · 25/04/2016 07:19

Either he's a dick it needs some sort of medical assessment

100% agreed.

What the fuck is wrong with him?

Does he have a job? Does he manage going to the shops? Dealing with bills? Booking holidays? Has friends and hobbies? If the answer is 'yes' then he is being deliberately cruel to your children to ensure that you don't make him do anything for them. Prick b

whois · 25/04/2016 07:20

How can you live with someone like this?

And surely this manifested itself before you had three children? Why do on to have more with this waste of space??

Fairylea · 25/04/2016 07:26

The bath thing is your issue here, not the toddler group opening post. He sounds really awful judging by the bath scenario!

NeedACleverNN · 25/04/2016 07:29

Under normal circumstances I would say yabu

Me and dh go to toddler group every second week together (I go alone every first week due to work) because otherwise I have no one to talk to.

However I think the toddler group is the least of your worries here

TheoriginalLEM · 25/04/2016 07:29

she was cowering in a cold bath on your return and you are worried about toddler group?

personally i wouldn't be leaving this man alone with my children.

shes 3 you don't have to wash her just let her play and she will get clean that way. he sounds like a bully.

ApocalypseNowt · 25/04/2016 07:33

^Either he's a dick it needs some sort of medical assessment

100% agreed.

What the fuck is wrong with him?

^ This. Times a million.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 25/04/2016 07:39

DP comes to groups with me and ds if he happens to be off work, he loves seeing what ds does and ds loves having daddy there, we all go together so we can go for lunch afterwards so I think yabu to say groups aren't a family event BUT in your case I think I'd go with DH once so he knows how it works, introduce him to a couple of people then leave him to it. However if the bath incident is hoe he generally parents then I wouldn't be leaving him alone with the children

Littlecaf · 25/04/2016 07:44

DP never comes with me or takes DS to toddler groups. It's really not his thing. But he would leave a child in the bath for 50mins. Just that is a warning sign OP. I think you need to assess what is really wrong here and help him get through it. You are both parents, not you plus a 'helper'.

curlywurly4 · 25/04/2016 08:01

I have a friend whose DH is exactly like your at bath time. Pouring cold water unexpectedly, then getting annoyed at the tears. Putting toys out of reach etc, threats for non compliance. He absolutely terrified his DC to the point they refused to bath at all and would have complete meltdowns at the prospect of bath time.

My friend now does pretty much all the child care/domestic stuff due to this kind of behaviour. It's a ploy but she can't see it.

MumInBrussels · 25/04/2016 09:02

Does he have some huge redeeming features, OP? Because he's coming across as a cruel, lazy fuckwit. I'd say it's nice that he wants to be involved, at least, but not if that's how he does it... Your poor daughter - and poor you, having to cope with this all.

I'd be giving serious thought as to what you're getting out of this relationship - and in any case, it sounds like your partner needs parenting classes before he's safe to look after the children. He should try to learn, rather than storming off in a strop because he can't do things his (mean, nasty) way - you're not being at all unreasonable and nagging to expect him to care for children safely and appropriately.

Nanny0gg · 25/04/2016 10:24

I'm going to side with him a little here.

When you have a first baby, mostly you're clueless and you grow and learn together as parents. He's never had to do this (why?) and has increasingly grown distant from his children.

So now you're trying to throw him in at the deep end. Has he ever been involved with bathing the children? It's a tricky thing to do when you don't have any form of relationship with the child - even to the extent of playing/fetching them a drink/just talking to them.

And going to any form of toddler group on his own when he has no control over the children ( a toddler and a preschooler at that!) is an absolute recipe for disaster and not fair on anyone. Many parents who have 'normal' relationships with their children recoil in horror at the thought of going to any type of group activity.

This has been left way too long for him to just step up and deal with his children. He needs to learn, he needs to be willing and able to learn and I'm really sorry OP you are going to have to help him do it.

witsender · 25/04/2016 10:46

It isn't in the slightest bit odd for both parents to go IMO if that's what they want...but he sounds pretty hopeless which is a whole other problem.

oldjacksscrote · 25/04/2016 11:30

My OH comes to toddler group with me sometimes, he takes on the parent role so I can eat cake, drink tea and chat to the other mums, we enjoy doing things as a family. he's never shunned by the other mothers and sonetimes will take them on his own if I've been ill or I have an appointment, I'm forever getting compliments on how great he is or how lucky I am, he's s complete uncaring twat to me at home though!

BillBrysonsBeard · 25/04/2016 12:05

I wish they had tea and cake at ours! Ahh it's a different world

DixieNormas · 25/04/2016 13:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

coconutpie · 25/04/2016 13:25

Nanny - how can you side with him? It's not rocket science to know that you don't leave a child in a bath for 50 minutes and let them go cold. That is awful and so cruel.

LissaLoves - you have bigger problems here than the toddler group. He's either in need of a medical assessment or else he's just a neglectful dick. Can't believe your poor DD was cowering in the corner of the bath

notenoughbottle · 25/04/2016 14:17

My ex DP was exactly the same as yours OP. He wouldn't do anything with our DD and my two DS were completely left out by him. It was almost though like he didn't know what to do/didn't want to. Once we went to a park and he sat down the whole time and refused to run around with her. Now we're seperated he lives back at home with his mum and dad and when he has our dd they do the majority of care for her. He's got problems to say the least. I wouldn't put up with it OP.

Excited101 · 25/04/2016 14:22

This isn't all the difficult/strange behaviour though is it op? I severely doubt that he functions completely normally in every other way apart from lacking confidence with his children.

ChihuahuaChick · 25/04/2016 14:35

You know, when DS1 was very little my DH was a bit like this. A BIT, nowhere near threatening "no stories" to a child sobbing in a cold bath because that seems nasty as well as stupid. It took me going absolutely hysterical and pretty much screaming in his face that I couldn't be with a man who always "forgot" about bottles/nappy changes every time he took DS1 out or was alone with him. (And there was a bunch of housework related shite as well.)

I used to fucking text him "nearly bottle time" and "have you checked his nappy yet" because otherwise I would be brought back a soaked through hungry baby to deal with! I was such a mug to put up with his shit. DH was raised by a mum who was bullied into being a real dogsbody housewife from a young age and was very much encouraged to be useless at home because he was a boy/man.

I'm not suggesting you have a relationship-risking meltdown OP, but you should be angry. Everything he doesn't do but still gets done, gets done by you. Everything he forgets, you have to remember. His first time bathing his child in how fucking long and he flips from stress caused by his own incompetence? How many baths have you given her in the mean time without intimidating her while she cries in a cold bath?

Original poster

LissaLoves · 25/04/2016 22:44

I agree Nanny that it wouldn't be fair (on him or the DC) to throw him in the deep end. But he's seen me bath them numerous times and he knows I wouldn't threaten dd or leave her cold so he's choosing to do it a different way anyway.

Tonight I said he could get our DDs to get ready for bed while I got DS bathed and changed because he always tend to hide with the baby rather than face a battle with the girls. In the 45 mins I took to organise everyone's clothes for tomorrow, bath, dress and read to DS he hadn't even managed to get them to come in from the garden. They then asked for stories and I said 'yes, when you're ready for bed' and they were ready within ten mins

OP posts:

lorelei9here · 25/04/2016 22:51

OP you haven't answered any of the questions
Is there something wrong with him? Does he have learning difficulties?
If he is just being useless have you talked to him?
How has he got this far into three kids being like this.. Is it deliberate incompetence to push you to do all the parenting?

Original poster

LissaLoves · 25/04/2016 23:01

No learning difficulties. He holds down a job, has friends etc. I don't think it's strategic incompetence, he has admitted he's intimidated by the girls and doesn't know how to deal with them at all. He just seems to totally lack common sense and confidence regarding the DC. At the weekend we went to the park and there's a big climbing frame. He asked if DS has been on it and I say yes then he put him on it on his own. He is 15 months old and it's 6 foot high with big DS size drops! I turned back to see DS on it and DP frantically running around it trying to guard the gaps. Obviously I bloody meant he'd been on it with me - surely it's obvious it isn't safe otherwise?!

The DC talk through him - if they need something they'll shout to me in another room even if DP is right there because mostly he won't know what to answer so he'll just ignore or distract them.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 25/04/2016 23:07

Has he been like this from Day 1? Why did he want children/more children?

Original poster

LissaLoves · 25/04/2016 23:12

He still wants more

He says girls are confusing but he'll be better with DS...!

OP posts:

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