Child excluded from party

[Winterdaisy]

I know this is a common problem but I need to know what to do about it.
My son appears to have been excluded from a 8th birthday party that every other boy in his class attended today. Photos on Facebook.
He says he was not invited as my first thought was he had not passed on the invite to me. He is at a small village school with only one class per year.
My son does seem to have had some friends issues lately and has gone from being in the thick of playing it to hanging out with one other boy (they are both academic geek types) talking mine craft when I drop him off at school.
So would I be unreasonable to talk to teacher and find out what is going on and if he is excluded for a reason ? He can be boisterous and can be a bit too clever at times, may have upset other children ☹️
Or do I just keep out? I have no intention of asking the mother as she is very nice and would hate to embarrass her, or myself if it's because my child has been horrid to hers.

How is that revenge? And why the emotive example, why on earth does it have to be a big song and dance about giving invites out whilst this poor lonely person stands there yearningly. No, invites could be given directly to parents of given out as and when.

It's not revenge, if protecting your own child from a bully is revenge then that's fucked up. If someone is going to be nasty then they need to accept that there's consequences to that behaviour - and that includes not being invited to parties.

Well Maryz, you must think what you like. I find your posts very one-sided with a penchant for hysteria. I'm sure your supporters will be on in an instant to defend them but that's par for the course.

I'm happy with my conduct on and off the board, and sense of self, thank you. :)

Spring - out of interest, what happened to the child who cut off the ponytail? I hope they had a serious sanction. Something similar happened at my school and the child whose hair was cut off ended up leaving. It was awful as the bullies effectively won.

You have a very strange idea of bullying and you are bordering on victim blaming here and forcing victims to enter into situations with their abusers.

You also have a penchant for distortion, Maryz and that's just irritating as it distracts the issue being discussed.

I will not have a child who has caused my child suffering at a party if my child doesn't want them there. I could exclude three or four others to soften the blow but why should they be excluded?

In advance, I would have taken up the behaviour with the parents of said child. I imagine most parents would have. I know that had parents come to me to tell me that MissLying was doing x, y, z to their child I would have addressed it with my daughter and been suitably apologetic. I would expect my daughter to attend or be invited even to a party. If my daughter complained about that I would re-explain the reasons why and the need for that behaviour to stop in order that she wasn't excluded again.

If you have a problem with that then I cannot help you nor explain any better.

Your inclusion of disabled or children with SN is just annoying. Sometimes children have none of these things, they are just flexing their developing sense of who they are and it's not always appropriate. Simple as that.

Nothing like maintaining the dynamic: you are nasty to me so I'll be nasty to you. God forbid anyone should take the time to as 'why is this child/person nasty/fat/bullying/loud/introverted/boastful/domineering/smelly etc. So now there are 2 nasty people in the room ... guess who the second is. Someone has to be adult and break the unhelpful dynamic.

Again we are talking about when 1 child/individual is excluded not when doing an external do and inviting some from school/work.

wouldn't, not would - expect my daughter to attend!

teatime very easy to say if you're not one of the bullied parties.

Case in point, when I was at school I was punched, kicked, had my books and clothing ripped, spat on, chewing gum put in my hair, whipped (I still have a scar from this), called names and had rumours spread

I should invite them to my party though because got forbid I should want to be free from my abuser.

It's absolutely disgusting and frightening to me that so many people are of the opinion that victims should be forced into situations with their abusers. Whether it's physical, emotional, verbal abuse - it's all abuse. You're basically telling victims that their feelings don't matter, that they have to change and adapt to suit their abuser.

maryz isn't being hysterical at all. Nor is she forcing any victim to bring the bully into their safe space. She's pointing out that excluding ONE child from a party is unacceptable, and suggesting that parents arrange matters so that this doesn't happen. My DS has been bullied pretty much throughout his school life, as he's dyxpraxic and timid. I lie awake pretty much every other night fantasising about the revenge I'd like to take on the bastards who've made his life miserable to the point of us having to take him out of school and to home ed him. And watch him weep from the loneliness of that. But I still agree wholeheartedly with maryz. There are a number of children who will never, ever set foot over this threshold - but I would never allow them to be the only one not invited.

out - she filmed her and distributed images? Surely that's a criminal offence!

And when is too far, too far? What sort of escalation do you need to see before you think it's okay to exclude someone?

outy that's awful. No one expects a child to be forced to invite done one. The only people mentioning are those saying they are appalled at it. No one I have seen has said they would force it.
I have said I would talk with DC about it if they wanted to exclude. And in any just case, like yours, of course the adult would take responsibility to exclude the child. My point it it needs to be an open discussion as clearly serious issues need to be highlighted and not swept under carpet.

This thread isn't about children with SN, Maryz, read the OP again. I choose not to go off on a tangent because it's not a similar scenario even. You're distorting because you are conflating my exclusion of a child exhibiting bullying behaviour to my child - as being one with SN and it's apparently my job to teach it how to behave.

The reason why posters are now misunderstanding each other is because the thread has diverged into a bitter discussion with those who cannot see the difference between BEHAVIOURS (cutting off hair, hitting, pushing, kicking, name-calling) and CHARACTERISTICS (physical size, physiology, abilities). The two have absolutely nothing to do with each other.

I really don't want to get into an argument; I've said my piece, it's what I think - without name-calling either.

Tbh at that age it is pretty shit to not invite 1 boy whilst having the rest over for a party. I thought most schools had guidelines advising parents to either have a v small party with a select group or to invite everyone. They have that guideline for a reason.

Many 7 & 8yos are like your son so that is not a good enough reason for just excluding him.

I would speak to the teacher to delve a bit deeper into this and see what they recommend, if anything. They may suggest shrugging it off and when your son has his own party to make a point of inviting everyone......

Also remember he may have lost the invite so don't immediately think he hasn't been invited.

cross-posted with you Maryz

I said that I would speak to the parents before the invite; possibly involving the teacher of our children. I'm not dismissing any child out of hand and would want to address poor behaviour of another child but please be clear - MY child will always have priority with ME and that's the way it should be.

The same will presumably be the case with the parents of other children; they will have their priority and attention.

The worst of my bullying was at 8/9 Maryz.

And sorry but your firstly, secondly and thirdly is going to do nothing to help the victim. You're very one sided with who's feelings are important and who should be protected. You think about the excluded person and the impact on them (despite it being a consequence of their behaviour) but don't take into consideration the other person, the fear they may have. The feeling of their safe space being invaded by someone who intimidates them and makes them scared. You seem to be condoning these children learning to put up with being abused for the cause of being inclusive - very dangerous thinking indeed.

And if my kid is being bullied by a SN child then I'd explain the factors that may contribute to the child behaving like that. But unfortunately Maryz knowing why a child may act the way they do doesn't really help the other child who's the victim. It doesn't make the abuse hurt less, be it physical or words.

I also worry about the long term effects of forcing our children to interact with their abusers and allow them to intrude on their safe space, quashing their own feelings. How do we teach them to differentiate as they grow? What about if they end up in an abusive relationship or friendship? We'll have ingrained ideas into them that tell them that protecting themselves is just as bad as being the abuser (Teatime) or that they need to explore the reasons and put up with it to be inclusive.

But where does maryz say that the bully's victim HAS to invite them? She's simply suggesting that the bully shouldn't be the ONLY child not invited. Am I reading different posts?

Oh yeah that's great, let other well behaved kids - whom are my kids friends - also be left out through no fault of their own only to appease the bully.