Child excluded from party

[Winterdaisy]

I know this is a common problem but I need to know what to do about it.
My son appears to have been excluded from a 8th birthday party that every other boy in his class attended today. Photos on Facebook.
He says he was not invited as my first thought was he had not passed on the invite to me. He is at a small village school with only one class per year.
My son does seem to have had some friends issues lately and has gone from being in the thick of playing it to hanging out with one other boy (they are both academic geek types) talking mine craft when I drop him off at school.
So would I be unreasonable to talk to teacher and find out what is going on and if he is excluded for a reason ? He can be boisterous and can be a bit too clever at times, may have upset other children ☹️
Or do I just keep out? I have no intention of asking the mother as she is very nice and would hate to embarrass her, or myself if it's because my child has been horrid to hers.

Maryz well put (this thread us 1st time we've crossed paths so not a follower)

My DC loved school, is very bright, very caring (reports from school and home), only issue being young in some aspects eg crying more than others. Now because of our small classes' secrecy I'm not sure if others know/care DC rarely gets invited, clearly excluded from some and now, with some bullying at school, is feeling unlinked, unloved and anxious. A mum who singled DC out and and I approached feels age 5 DC needed to learn about being left out. After Easter DC didn't want to go back to school. Even school admit DCs liked by everyone and lovely but this exclusion is seriously impacting. I try invite kids over for as many okay dates etc as poss but not often reciprocated. So now I'm praying we don't end up in complete school refusal if this carrys on.

So yup those who think excluding a small child is ok, what should I do? And will you take collective responsibility for those shoes actions you agree with?

I wouldn't expect anyone to invite someone to a party, who has been so awful to the birthday child. However I do think we need to make allowances for them being children. It's all a question of degrees of harm. Just because someone was a bit rude in foundation stage does not merit being excluded three years later. Similarly, someone who has been so violent should not be allowed in the party for safeguarding.

Teatime does your child upset other kids, does he do things to hurt them?

If not, then he shouldn't be left out. Kids shouldn't be left out just because they might be a bit different or because others have taken a dislike to them.

Why should the birthday child have their day spoilt by a child who upsets and humiliates them in school? That is what your son is doing. You need to look at how you can stop his behaviour not try to get sympathy because he us being left out, there us a good reason why he was left out. My own son was victimised in a similar way, it also spread to the child telling others not to play with my son. I tried to reason with the child's mother but she had blinkers on. The child was not invited to my sons party, his day and emotional well being was more important than making a bully not feel excluded.

toomany your child may be able in this respect at 7 but not all are. That's my point. My DD3 learned social skills late, even though we tried to help My reply was to the misconception that all children were unable to feel empathy. And I did say that not all will get it.

It's the assumption that all children don't understand empathy, and aren't sufficiently aware until they are teens that I was disagreeing with.

If a child says "I want you to buy me a knife to hurt someone" would you sanction it? I doubt it. So when a child wants to exclude 1 child from a party to teach them a lesson surely it's the parents role to show the that's not the way to behave. If a child is excluded it is an adults decision to exclude them. Please don't blame the kids You seriously can't see that buying a knife for a child [to hurt someone], and letting them decide who they spend their birthday with are so very different scenarios?

Thing is, a child of 7 or 8, has NO intention of "teaching a child a lesson" by excluding them, but they are merely wanting, for just a short while, a reprieve from what they see as a child who makes them feel uncomfortable. Absolutely YES I will sanction that reprieve. No one will be invited into my home/social gathering if they choose to bully, belittle, intimidate, upset, hurt my child. In fact, I banned one of my older daughter's friends from coming over because she was nasty to my younger daughter. My house, their home, is their safe haven, not somewhere we invite people who make us feel bad.

If I worked with someone who made my life hard, or upset me, I certainly would NOT invite them to MY birthday! Oh & I don't know of any company who would make it their business who was invited to a private event. A business lunch, yes...a private party? Don't be ridiculous!

Pretty much all children left out of birthday parties have SN or behavioural issues. Few primary age children decide they want to be nasty bullies; there is pretty much always a reason. Really? Is that official data, or are you just trying to skew the opinion on this thread? I know plenty of children with SN who are not bullies/misunderstood/excluded etc. But I am pretty impressed that this thread reached almost 200 posts before the SN card came out.

You are teaching your child that bullying is ok as long as there is a good enough reason Excluding someone who makes your life hard, whether it be school life, or work life is not bullying. Why are you advocating that victims of bullying be forced to socialise with their bullies? Would it be OK to make a DV victim invite her ex to her birthday party, because the rest of his family are attending?

Spring - out of interest, what happened to the child who cut off the ponytail

She was charged for carrying a weapon as she'd brought the scissors to school specifically to cut my DD's hair. She told numerous people her plan that morning who all came forward after the event and gave statements, I moved my DD's school and numerous other people did the same.

I can't believe so many on here are saying they'd invite a bully to a party.

Totally agree with Maryz posts, I don't follow anyone as not a sheep type.
Have disagreed with Maryz and she with me on other threads.

You can't just leave one child out for whatever reason. I even asked a parent to stay with a child before now, made special arrangements if there has been a child known to have challenging behaviour.
It's like saying the child doesn't belong and must really upset them. Not something a good parent would do imo, it's disgusting.
We had dc for parties who had upset or hurt mine, I taught them tolerance and how we are all different and that some children struggle with social situations.
Those leaving children out are adult bullies and not socialising their children properly.

He understands bullying is bad but still will point out such things as reading level or not knowing times tables etc OP that IS Bullying. I think your DC was excluded so he wouldn't ruin the Birthday boys party, and rightly so! It's a hard pill, but some kids are just little shits to other kids. My DD was a bit of a bossy bum at infants and never got invited to parties. We explained to her when she was upset she wasn't invited because she bossed the other children around and made them unhappy. She's now 11 and loved by all her class as she learnt the hard way that people like spending time with nice people.

In my (limited) experience, children whilst being accepting and perhaps quick to feel aggrieved and slighted sometimes, are also quickly amenable to 'making friends' again and extending the hand of friendship even to children who were unkind before. I've always promoted that, second chances are a big theme in this house - or 'new chances' as we call them (as they often extend beyond 2 or 3 or 10).

Grays has already made the distinction about the bullied child being listened to and feeling safe. I would take that point a step further by saying that a child who is listened to and respected when they report their feelings about being 'bullied' is the child most equipped to forgive and make friends once the bullying has stopped.

I feel for Winterdaisy here because her child is really only guilty of being a bit self-aggrandising rather than actually going out of his way to bully other children but it does have a damaging affect and she's tackling that head on.

There but for the grace of whomever... I could find myself in this position, any of us could.

Greys no DC is the opposite, a follower not a leader, very gentle, not very sporty, very academic and holds back from answering in class to not stand out knowing the answers in front of friends who aren't as quick (feedback). But DC is, in some ways, socially young and crys loudly when hurt, and is one of few in their gender in small class. That's it. But as I've been told by a 'more experienced' mum: she has to learn this lesson sometime". Bullshit to all of you who think that. Sorry for being mean but I'm crying for my DC and want to share the pain.

Probably outed myself but don't really care anymore. So is excluding still ok? If so please feel responsible for my child too.

Children often "other" their classmates. Partly immaturity I guess, maybe hoping to isolate a threat to their friendship groups. You hear it in their chatter. Concern about so and so who might "take their friend away" . As a result some children are left out not because if anything they might have done, but to give another group someone to dislike - bonding over mutual dislike.

teatime I'm failing to understand why you don't see the differences between your child's situation and the situations being discussed in which the birthday child is being bullied by the person.

Your child isnt hurting anyone. Your child isn't making anyone feel unsafe.

I understand what Maryz is saying, you don't have to invite the bully, but excluding them and only them is really cruel, having said that, I don't agree with her point of view. I've had to exclude kids, not 1 but 3/4 for various technical reasons, limited spacing, or lack of ability. DS(10) had a swimming party last year and 3 kids out of 30 couldn't swim to the required degree, so I didn't invite them, likewise my kids haven't been invited to parties either, one of the children that wasn't invited to the swimming party, didn't invite DS this year, he was the only child not to get an invite, and neither I or he got upset, he was old enough to understand why and shrug it off, parties are not the be all or end all.

out and Spring - I am so sorry this happened to both of your children. I absolutely agree with both of you, as someone who was bullied at school. It frustrates me so much though that the child who is bullied is the one who ends up having to move schools and the bullies just carry on. I am not unsympathetic if a child has special needs. However, if that leads to my my child being bullied, I'd react in exactly the same way as I would if my child was being bullied by someone without special needs.

teatime - you're not being mean at all. and the mother who said that to you sounds absolutely awful. And I too have been crying a bit for DS1 while writing on this thread. There's so much pain on this thread - it's really sad. And I don't think that people who exclude those who hurt their children are awful people at all - I completely understand it. Sometimes I frighten myself with what I long to be able to do to the kids who've hurt my son. Only for my fear of getting a criminal record I might have given in. Just that at the end of the day I wouldn't leave out one child.

Greys how is my DC so different from OP?

outymcoutymyself

teatime I suspect as do others there's things not being alluded to by the OP, boisterous may have upset other children The boy who had the party is currently struggling so I really worry my son may have said something horrible He understands bullying is bad but still will point out such things as reading level or not knowing times tables etc. not a nice habit!! sounds like there's more going on a reason why the children may not like him.

Regardless none of my comments have been made with the OPs son in mind, just in reply to others.

Thank you Sally. The child who is still 'low level' bullying my DC is still invited to my house and parties as: 1, my DC says ok; 2, I know it's just learnt behaviour; 3, it gives me the chance to see what's going on and try to change the dynamic.

I wouldn't say anyone else has to do this but it's one of the only ways I can change my DCs situation for the better. It's either that or remove my DC (the victim) from the situation (school knows, parents know).

Those leaving children out are adult bullies and not socialising their children properly. Seriously? Not socialising them properly? By letting her choose not to invite her bully to her party?

I am not a bully. I am a parent abiding by my daughter's wishes. I wouldn't invite someone into my home who bullied me...does that make me a bully too?

That's the key thing, Teatime, your child consents to having the bullying child in their home, it makes a vast difference. Undoubtedly it's the way to go for you and your child and hopefully it will make a difference in the long run.

Some posters are advocating that no single child should be excluded; others are coming back with exclusions for valid reasons like non-swimmers, several children at issue, etc.

This whole thread is a comparison of apples and pears - and bananas.

toomany unfortunately even teens are not fully developed cognitively. Lots of junior school make children do "thinking sheets" when things go wrong in an attempt to make them learn consequences ( of saying xyz to someone etc). Lots of children can't plan ahead, and find consequential thought difficult.