Child excluded from party

[Winterdaisy]

I know this is a common problem but I need to know what to do about it.
My son appears to have been excluded from a 8th birthday party that every other boy in his class attended today. Photos on Facebook.
He says he was not invited as my first thought was he had not passed on the invite to me. He is at a small village school with only one class per year.
My son does seem to have had some friends issues lately and has gone from being in the thick of playing it to hanging out with one other boy (they are both academic geek types) talking mine craft when I drop him off at school.
So would I be unreasonable to talk to teacher and find out what is going on and if he is excluded for a reason ? He can be boisterous and can be a bit too clever at times, may have upset other children ☹️
Or do I just keep out? I have no intention of asking the mother as she is very nice and would hate to embarrass her, or myself if it's because my child has been horrid to hers.

We were discussing excluding 1 child/person from a group. Clearly just inviting just close group, as you say, is fine. Can't see why excluding a single person from school age party or work age party is any different. In each case the organising adult is responsible for their behaviour and what it says to others.

If my office left one awkward person out of a social occasion as they didn't like them formal bullying procedures would be started at work

Your work would get involved with adults choosing who they want to invite to a social occasion if my work tried to dictate who and who I can't invite to my own party I wouldn't be working there.

So whole office/team goes out for a birthday dinner and one person is openly excluded for ... let's say being fat ... that's OK? Christ! And if not 'fat', please tell me what reason you find acceptable to exclude a person you may be with 5 days a week?
I am seriously shocked! Never knew people felt like this. Depressing.

But then there's the obligatory leaving out of another child or children who your child wants there just so the bullying kid isn't the only one left.

Grays if you are employed by the NHS, it does have a good anti-bullying policy. Just getting it enforced is difficult.

Teatime why did you chose being fat that's a very odd thing to say. I would expect adults to not dislike someone merely on the basis of being overweight.

if a person at work is continually snotty with me, treats me like shit, belittles me, then no they're bloody well not coming to any social gathering I organise. I have absolutely no duty to invite them and its not bullying that I don't. It's a consequence of how they've decided to treat me.

My managers absolutely would not dictate to me who I can and can't invite to a social gathering.

Maryz... If somebody bullied/threatened or touched my child in any way o the point that my child was suffering, they would most certainly NOT be welcome, nor invited to my child's party.

What I would do is speak to that child's parent(s) and tell them what has been going on. I would try to do that in conjunction with the teacher of our children.

You may call this 'bullying', I don't. We have different definitions and I disagree with yours. I don't think I'm alone in this reading the thread. We're all coming from our own experiences with different instances and children in mind so please, don't keep trying to couch everybody in 'catch all' terms that you're using, it's unfair and inaccurate.

It is fine to exclude children from parties, especially if they are being mean and nasty to the birthday child. Not everyone can afford whole class parties so some will be excluded, that is life. My ds did not invite all children from his pre school to his birthday party, and he does not always go to others parties, that is the way it is. Yes I was often excluded from parties as a child, it hurt, but I move on. It is nasty if one or two are left out though.

Yes that's what I would do too IWant

Maryz completely agree.

Spot on lying

I was a bullied child. If my parents had forced me to invite my bully I would have rejected the idea of a party at all. In fact the thought of them coming and entering my home which I saw as my safe place would make me feel physically sick.

Yes I have tried to hand out invites discretely as possible before preschool/school starts and never left with teacher or TA.

maryz you're changing the goalposts on this I think. If that person in a wheelchair was left out because they were in a wheelchair then that's disgusting. But if the person in the wheelchair was a gobshite who upset people then yes it would be okay.

I agree, the last thing I would have wanted is nasty bullies ruining my party, please do not underestimate the influence of Primary school kids, one bully when we were 7 weed on me, and that was so degrading, and has never left me. Others called me names, and pushed and shoved me, kids even at that age, can be downright nasty and cruel.

Of course the goalposts are being moved and this has now become rhetoric about 'discrimination' when it's nothing of the sort, with or without the 'hmm' faces peppered about.

It's about a child being excluded from a party and whether this would be unreasonable. In many instances it is NOT unreasonable and Grays has eloquently covered the 'safe space of home' aspect.

I will NOT be relinquishing control of my child's wellbeing to a child that has caused my child anguish. If there are lessons to be learned, it's for the parents to teach them. Astute parents like the OP are already checking faults and children develop and improve because of that checking, not because of party invites.

OP have you considered that your son may be on the ASD spectrum? He seems to struggle with social appropriateness?

As for the parents of the boy I'd be asking them if there are issues I need to know about as every child except mine was invited. I'd also talk to teacher.