Child excluded from party

[Winterdaisy]

I know this is a common problem but I need to know what to do about it.
My son appears to have been excluded from a 8th birthday party that every other boy in his class attended today. Photos on Facebook.
He says he was not invited as my first thought was he had not passed on the invite to me. He is at a small village school with only one class per year.
My son does seem to have had some friends issues lately and has gone from being in the thick of playing it to hanging out with one other boy (they are both academic geek types) talking mine craft when I drop him off at school.
So would I be unreasonable to talk to teacher and find out what is going on and if he is excluded for a reason ? He can be boisterous and can be a bit too clever at times, may have upset other children ☹️
Or do I just keep out? I have no intention of asking the mother as she is very nice and would hate to embarrass her, or myself if it's because my child has been horrid to hers.

No I would never leave one out and never have, but a bully does not get invited to my DC party.

My DS1 had been bullied systematically for 2 years (since he was 4-6) by a boy who seems to get a kick from inflicting harm on others. He really doesn't care he's being punished by the school. His parents don't want to believe he is as bad as he is.
In P1 alone he punched my son on the face (twice), bit him, threw a lunchbox at him, smacked him on head with a pencil case, poured water over him to make it look like he had peed himself, threw him over a table, pulled chair from under him, spat in his face, stole his food & put in bin, daily namecalling...all this and much more in a few months.
We tried to move schools but no spaces available locally. Eventually the other boy was moved class. Every single day something had happened to my son. Every fucking day.
My son loves school now whereas before or was a struggle to get him to go without a tantrum....all because of this one child.
The school have been next to useless & have admitted he is guilty of bullying. The parents blare it on his cardiac condition & bury their heads in the sand. Yes, the boy has medical issues but that doesn't mean that he has free reign to make the lives of other children a misery.
Would I invite this child to my son's birthday party? Would. I. Fuck. He never once spared a thought for my son's feelings. Why would I subject my son to spending time with his abuser? My job as a parent is to protect my children, not subject them to torment.

Maryz, that's what I picked up on, the same as you just have. I agree with her. How could I put my child beneath somebody else's? Could you?

At some level, if the school cannot manage and the parent of the child with SN cannot manage - then what? What is to be done? Is it really expected of another parent whose child has been subjected to upsetting behaviour to take on the responsibility of changing the behaviour of this other child? I don't think that I could do that. I'm not a psychologist or a clinician, I wouldn't know how to help.

So, what I'm asking you is how would you expect a parent of a NT child who is being 'bullied' for want of a better word, to cope with and make allowances for the child (with possible SN) who is being bullied? What are they to do and how would you go about safeguarding the feelings (very valid ones) of your own child who has been on the receiving end of this?

I'm really not trying to be awkward. I have very little experience of SN in my life. I have a friend with an autistic child who is lovely and lively and sometimes difficult, but in an open and manageable manner (if that makes sense).

I don't know if you have a child with SN but on the presumption that you know more about it than I do - what would you do - for BOTH children to ensure the best outcome?

Would it help if I invited the bullying child SUBJECT to his/her parent attending also?

I could probably explain that to my child so that they would understand. Would it not though be setting that child 'apart' somehow, making an issue of it?

I've never been ostentatious with party invites, I'm really not one of 'those mothers' and never will be. I don't know what the best method of dealing with this would be but, at the end of it all, my child would take priority with me.

outy... in the circumstances you've described, what your child has gone through, I wouldn't either. What's the point?

Perhaps smaller parties is the only one, Maryz, I think that may well be the only solution, however uneasy it is. :(

I've been thinking about this for a while and am also torn. I think that children do need to see the natural consequences of their actions, and that meanness / bullying will result in others not wanting to spend time with them. It's a lesson in itself, I think, that children see they can't always be invited to everything; not necessarily because of bad behaviour, but because the birthday girl/boy has been told they can only invite 4/doesn't like them as much as they like the birthday child/because they were simply forgotten/the invitation got dropped in the playground etc etc. This stuff happens too, and is life's rich tapestry.

That said, I talk to dd (8) lots about what might be underneath meanness/bullying ie an unhappy child. I think if it's isolated meanness, and the child is at risk of being the only one not invited, I'd be inclined to encourage dd to be the bigger person, and watch the child during the party. But systematic bullying? I don't know that it's the peer's responsibility to tolerate or compensate for that in the context of their birthday do.... In other settings - the playground or PSHE sessions it can be explored, maybe?

Tbh, the whole class party thing has pretty much fizzled out by now anyway - where I am anyway. But yes, smaller parties are probably the solution.

We are indeed cross-posting, Maryz, one of us most type more slowly! :)

I very much like your anecdote of that party and it would be lovely to think that the outcome you've described could be assured. What does he want to do as his career, has he decided yet?

How is it putting the bullying child or child with challenging behaviour above your own if you invite them to a party.
Do you not teach your children about inclusion, tolerance or do you just say yes darling whatever you want?
I invited the bullies, yes it was a challenge and yes I educated my children as to why we don't leave children out.
We teach them that bullies can change and how to be nice to people, that some people find social situations difficult and inside every bully is a decent person needing love friendship and a social life the same as everyone else.... well some of us educate our children. I did usually ask a parent to help out though but rather than say your child is invited because we include bullies, can you help manage the behaviour of the dc.
If they were young quite often parents didn't even realise their child was a bully or had challenging behaviour and the party would identify this for them.

But again, I am completely with outy. As much as I'm not at ease with excluding just one child; what she says is absolutely right. How is she supposed to know that a child has SN and if she does, how is she supposed to manage this in relation to her daughter?

Smaller parties may well be the only answer; that and discreet inviting. :(

He sounds an outstanding young man, Maryz and I hope his dreams come true. Teaching is still a noble - if thankless - profession! :)