To prioritise my husbands job

[Yellowsun11]

Back ground is I have a decent degree , but due to mental health issues proberbly haven't gone as far as I could . I'm
Not particularly interested in a career . Iv had jobs I like but my priority is balancing my home life while children are secondary age and younger . Part because husband earns a fair bit more than me but also because the strain of us both doing full time with my health and family is to much . A couple of friends are horrified by this and have hinted it's not the done thing in this day and age ! Just wondered others views -and situation . I surely aren't the only woman to work round her husbands job? If I could earn as much as him I'm sure he would be part time , - but I can't. And we want one of us to be home for them ( the majority of the time )

Do what's best for you especially as you have health issues.

Nevertheless I do agree with some of the others who say that many women claim they have given up work as some sort of sacrifice for their family. I'm sure some have but I know of women IRL who've done it because it's easier than juggling so I wish more on here would admit that. I have one friend who's DH isn't very happy with being the sole breadwinner for so long, it was only supposed to be for a year but my friend has shown no intention of going back. He's tolerating it at the moment but I know it causes rows.

Personally DH and I are both FT with 1 primary aged child. It's not easy but we have a cleaner which eases the load and we split all chores equally. We earn a good salary between us with me earning less (changed careers) but catching up quickly as I went FT as soon as mat leave was over. I wouldn't want him to have the entire burden of earning when I'm in possession of a healthy mind and body. I also like working and money hitting my account every month.

I also don't understand these jobs some DH's have where they have to work 12hrs a day. DH and I do a standard 9-5 including a lunch break and manage to pull in £150k between us. We don't mess about during working hours though, my output is high. I often see people faffing during the day, arranging unnecessarily late meetings, they often go for one after work etc maybe they're the ones telling their wives they're working long hours? Even the most senior director in our division is rarely at work past 5.30pm and we're allowed to work from home sometimes. Maybe some DH's need to change jobs or stop exaggerating how much they are working?

I was the highest earner but in terms of house and children my DH just doesn't get the same satisfaction from them as I do.

Tbh, I find this comment a little depressing. Amazing how some men get away with it.

I'm a big believer in doing whatever works for the family. I'm the main earner in our family but we both ensure we only take jobs with some flexibility to ensure we're all doing our share.

The only thing I'd say is to avoid making it clear to your employers that you prioritise your DH's job. It should go without saying, but you'd be surprised the number of people I've had on my teams over the years who've told me they do all the sick days/inset days/medical appointments etc for their kids because their DH's job is 'more important'.

Not to me it's not. And it undermined efforts to provide a flexible and supportive workplace for parents (not requiring people to take leave for sick kids, etc).

I agree whole heartedly Capricorn.

Also, feminism is not about choice - it's not anti choice either of course. It's about being treated equally with men, including equal respect and equal opportunity. It's certainly not about the (frankly really infantalising) notion that women are delicate flowers who should only work if they really feel like it. Think through the implication of this? For a start you're forced to "chose" a husband who earns well - then you're stuck with him.

Oh and yes Jessy! I've heard the same in the past.

Although when I first came back from maternity leave we'd agreed that DH would cover sick days as he works flexibly from home for himself. DS got hand foot and mouth disease the second week I was back and refused (at a year old FFS!) to eat or drink anything except breast milk. So that rather foiled that arrangement! It was fine though, I just stayed off. He's fine with his daddy normally when ill, I think it was because his poor wee mouth hurt!

splendide - well said. I find it unsettling when I hear women say they "choose" not to work purely because feminism gives them that choice.

Do men get that same choice? After all, isn't feminism about equality?

If there are genuine reasons as to why it is better for a woman not to work then fine, but to pin it all on this so-called "choice" allowed by feminism (which doesn't seem to extend to men) doesn't sit well with me.

I would guess you and your DH are a bit unusual from an average point of view Capricorn. Most people have to make a trade off between decent pay and decent hours (if either's on offer at all). The average salary is under £30k after all.

But rathersheepish why can't that be true on an individual level. I don't like housework and during my 6 months of mat leave I was unbelievably bored. DH, on the otherhand, likes cooking, doesn't mind housework and adores looking after DD. So, even though he was the higher earner, he was the one who became the SAHP.

On Mumsnet, feminism being about choice seems to be the accepted party line. I grew up with a version of feminism where the personal was political and we understood that the choices we make are influenced by and will go on to influence society. Do you want to be part of societal change or continue to enable the status quo?

Feminism is about equality and sometimes that means hard choices. Change must be earned. No one changes the world by ste

Sorry pressed send too soon, no one changes the world by stepping out of the fray to grow vegetables and bake cup cakes. Sometimes you have to be prepared to get up and out into the workplace, challenging sexist assumptions every day with your behaviour and example. So yes, women today have a choice, but let's really think that choice through, for the sake of our daughters.

My hubby is on a high 6 figure salary and works abroad or away from home travelling in UK at least 4 days and often 5 days a week. If we both did that we would never see our children. He is often needed far beyond the 9 to 5 hours. So I chose to step back because I want to see my child grow up and my aim is to get both dcs into superselective grammar schools . Most of my friends ( male and female including Oxbridge educated mums) have deliberately taken similar ambition if their other halves and super high earners. But we don't sit on our laurels we are aiming for our kids to get into superselective grammars or private schools.

amummyatlast, I'm not saying it can't be, but it does more often than not (clearly you and your DH are an exception) be the men who get to say that and make the choice to not stay at home. Yes, there are some SAHDs but they are far outnumbered by SAHMs.

I would think that when your friends are being horrified and saying it's "not the done thing", they are only thinking of your best interests. In the past many women were forced into this situation but these days it is our choice if we want that or not. But that means that you get a lot of people (particularly militant Feminazis) who refuse to believe that you genuinely want to do this.

I'm currently on maternity leave but prior to that I was the higher earner. However we have prioritised DH's job (moving 200miles away) because long term he has the higher earning potential. We're now in the position where I am not planning on returning to work, and a lot of people are similarly horrified. I had somehow got a reputation as being a "career woman" & they can't undertand that I want to give it all up.

It's all about personal choice OP. Your friends sound like they are only looking out for you, and perhaps need a bit of convincing that this is 100% your choice as well as your DH's.

Super high earners I mean earning more than £200k+ excluding bonuses and commissionsee which might be at least triple the salary. When you get paid that much, going home at 5 just doesn't happen.

Of course feminism isn't about choice. Far too many women think that because they chose to do something and they have a vagina, that makes it feminist. Women make choices that shit all over other women all the time. I don't think anything in the work/SAH spectrum amounts to this though, and indeed I work part time myself. As does my DH. And nobody is choosing to either work or not work because feminism gives them that choice. They're choosing to do what they want to do.

With that said, I think the idea of women having the choice to work or SAH, men not is too much of an oversimplification here. For one thing, huge numbers of families are unemployed or underemployed and don't have a choice in the matter. If either parent gets an offer of work, they take it because they don't know when another might come along. Neither of them is exercising much choice. If they'd prefer one parent to be at home but that parent gets a job offer and the other doesn't, tough shit. The one who can find work takes it. And those men who do have a choice, in that they have jobs and could afford go part time, we know they're much less likely to ask. This could be because they don't want to, or because they feel unable to, or some mixture of both.

cookie you're generalising.

Lots of people earning more than 200k have flexible jobs.

Also, it's really not necessary to give up work to help your DC get into a selective school.

The use of the term feminazi trivialises genocide wizzles. That's never ok.

HarlotBronte apologies, no offence intended.

Surely this is the problem - having one adult (usually the female) in a family who stays at home or works p/t school hours enables the other (usually the man) to work long hours, travel etc, progress in their career and have the higher earning potential?

But if you don't have or want that situation and both of you want to work and share household responsibilities and childcare, or want to work part-time or flexibly, your career is not going to progress as you're up against a culture and reality where the long hours and total flexibility enabled by one person SAHM are the norm and because you have other responsibilities that's not possible for you?

If there was more balance in families and more flexibility at work, this would surely benefit everyone and juggling several things would be normal for everyone.

We earn around the same amount, which wouldn't be enough for one of us to give up work or go p/t, even if we wanted to, have a cleaner, share childcare pick up and drops offs, errands and general juggling.

It's do-able as both of us are juggling without the burden falling on one person, though can be stressful at times. Neither of us can take on a job that would involve a lengthy commute, long hours or large amounts of travel at the moment, but we've agreed that and we've both managed to find new opportunities that work for us.

GetAHaircutCarl we're just unlucky then!! Dh works in different timezones a lot and away from home so coming home means getting on a plane and getting in for 8 or 9pm for the weekend. I don't know any others in my circle that stops work at 5pm but it could just be used lot.

The use of Feminazi is utterly repellent and trivialises the brave and often fatal strugges of our foremothers, so we could sit on our arses typing shit about the movement that has given women all the freedom they enjoy today. Don't want to be hit by your husband? Want to be able to divorce? Want to be able to take out a mortgage or loan? Want to access contraception? Want to get a job? Want to vote? Well get on your knees and thank those 'Feminazis' for their braveness and gumption, while all you are capable of is belittling comments from behind a computer screen.

CookieDough it's nothing to do with sitting on your laurels- everyone knows that being a SAHP is hard work. However, if you get your daughters into that super selective grammar and then on to Oxbridge- isn't it a waste of potential if they then also step back to facilitate their husbands careers?

Us lot I mean

Most of my friends ( male and female including Oxbridge educated mums) have deliberately taken similar ambition if their other halves and super high earners. But we don't sit on our laurels we are aiming for our kids to get into superselective grammars or private schools.

Gosh, I find this so depressing! What an awful burden on your kids to know that their "success" is your main purpose in life. You may well help them get into their super-selectives or private schools, but at what cost?

Sadly, I knew quite a few people at Cambridge whose parents had made it their main mission in life to get them to X school and then Oxbridge. Nearly all of them seemed to have mental health issues as a result.

Work or SAH, do whatever you like, but please don't base your own sense of purpose on your DC's achievements. It's a recipe for disaster.