Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 18 19 20 21 22 23

Original poster

To prioritise my husbands job

574 replies

Yellowsun11 · 23/04/2016 11:21

Back ground is I have a decent degree , but due to mental health issues proberbly haven't gone as far as I could . I'm
Not particularly interested in a career . Iv had jobs I like but my priority is balancing my home life while children are secondary age and younger . Part because husband earns a fair bit more than me but also because the strain of us both doing full time with my health and family is to much . A couple of friends are horrified by this and have hinted it's not the done thing in this day and age ! Just wondered others views -and situation . I surely aren't the only woman to work round her husbands job? If I could earn as much as him I'm sure he would be part time , - but I can't. And we want one of us to be home for them ( the majority of the time )

OP posts:

HarlotBronte · 27/04/2016 20:00

Some of you do play rather fast and loose with the term 'SAHM'.

As for hobbies, I sit on a committee but I'd never have thought of that as a hobby. Perhaps it is and I can hold my head high after all. I do get paid for it though.

pearlylum · 27/04/2016 20:02

It is voluntary work in my case harlot.

RichardHead · 27/04/2016 20:05

I am completely shameless!

Neither me or DH had any proper hobbies both pre and post DC. Well, we used to go out to gigs all the time so I suppose music was our hobby. Now, due to lack of babysitters and general can't be arsedness, neither of us bothers.

I must admit though, DH does seem rare compared to many men I know/know off in that he doesn't go out drinking or spend all weekend in bed hungover/doing things for himself. He also does as much, possibly more, than me with the DC. I don't consider myself 'lucky'.

I think it was actually Pearly who said it's not necessarily a SAHM v WOHM issue as much as a shitty v non shitty man issue.

Jemappelle · 27/04/2016 20:15

You know what? I think both givepeas and pearlymum can do with feeling a teensy bit less sad for the tap-shiners and the perpetually-frazzled respectively.

And on that note - Frazzled is my new word. Frazzled. I can imagine a frizzy haired diva with a dazzle. Frazzled.

It's gone right up there with cockwombler, and donkeychuff.

cuntymailjournos · 27/04/2016 20:26

Richard

I think it is just that, what sort of partner you have.
Mine has never gone to the pub, out with mates, weekend hobbies.
he's usually working tbh either at home or away , otherwise he's at home with family. He does as much if not more domestic work than me as he has higher standards, I'm a lucky bugger

Have nc due to supporting anti dm journos. I'm still here very recognisable.

RichardHead · 27/04/2016 20:36

Sadly DH and I both have very low standards, so not much domestic work gets done by either of us!

Philoslothy · 27/04/2016 21:05

I am sorry if I have offended people with the hobby comment. I worded it badly but surely most people do something they enjoy even if it is just read a book especially if they don't go out to work. I see nothing wrong in Zumba or Pilates.

HarlotBronte · 27/04/2016 21:18

That's ok philoslothy. There's been plenty worse said on the thread.

cuntymailjournos · 27/04/2016 21:35

Richard

My dh is terrible, so I let him get on with it. He secretly thinks I do what women accuse men of doing. Doing a crap job and then they won't ask again
I do my fair share though, but end up in a bigger mess than when I started.
Lots of jobs started and none finished.

whoops, sorry had nc

terriblycoleslaw · 27/04/2016 22:37

YANBU

Me and DH take a day off a week each. Works for us. Hopefully both can go back FT once DD in school

Actually he does 5 days in 4 which my work wouldn't accept.

Philoslothy · 27/04/2016 23:16

The hobby thing was just a dig and a further way to try and disrespect mothers who decide to stop working or take a break from working.
Search any thread on sahm v wohm and you'll probably find many comments about how much time mothers who don't work have for their hobbies.

It was me that made the second comment about hobbies and I am a SAHM, I am not out to shame them. I should not have used the word stupid but living your life without making time to do the things you enjoy does not seem to be a sensible thing to do. It is even worse if your husband has oodles of time to indulge in hobbies and you have none. I would be a very dull person without my hobbies ( I am not that interesting with them to be honest) and I think that my marriage would suffer if I did not do something other than raise children and clean.

For DH and equal leisure time has always been a goal. When I worked I had far less leisure time than DH during term time no matter how hard we tried to balance it long term. As a SAHM I have far more which is also not fair

Xocaraic · 28/04/2016 07:09

Forget the haters! Do what is right for you. We grew up in a home in which money was very very tight and as a result I fear poverty. I made the decision to keep working FT (2dc) on that basis. As hard as all the juggling is for me, I know it's harder without money.

HarlotBronte · 28/04/2016 08:50

I think the problem is conflating leisure time with hobbies philoslothy. And with time without DC.

splendide · 28/04/2016 09:39

Thanks for posting again Philoslothy - I couldn't understand at all how the hobbies thing could be a dig at SAHM. It's SAHM that have the time to indulge hobbies surely at least once the kids are at school and that's a huge plus surely.

At the moment I have zero leisure time as DS is small so I feel like DH (SAHD) needs all the time he can get at the weekend. At least I get to mumsnet and drink tea at my desk during the week! Once DS is bigger and at school we'll be able to rethink it a bit.

Kevintheminion · 28/04/2016 09:40

As cleaty has said upthread. Best advice my mother ever gave me was to never be financially dependent on a man...of course this has now backfired massively and I now 'keep' him. As a result, and many years of resentment, I'm considering leaving him....

splendide · 28/04/2016 09:42

I support my DH financially Kevin, I'd be interested to know whether you've always resented the set up or if it's changed over the years. I do worry sometimes.

Philoslothy · 28/04/2016 09:44

I think the problem is conflating leisure time with hobbies philoslothy. And with time without DC.

Surely the two are linked though?

HarlotBronte · 28/04/2016 10:09

Depends what you mean by linked. Some people have hobbies they like to pursue in their leisure time, others like to spend leisure time without DC, possibly pursuing hobbies possibly not. Others like to spend their leisure time doing hobbies with their DC: there are any number of people who spend lots of time going horse riding or biking or doing PS4 marathons with their kids. You can be caring for your child/ren and also pursuing your passion for watching ballet simultaneously. Some people fall into none of these categories. So leisure time as time doing hobbies and/or without DC is linked in that this is what leisure time means to some people. They're not linked, in that they're not what leisure time means to everyone.

Splendide, see givepeasachance's post at 22.37 on Tuesday for an explanation.

GetAHaircutCarl · 28/04/2016 10:41

Also for people like me and others in the creative industries, work and play definitely bleeds.

NewLife4Me · 28/04/2016 10:52

Totally agree GetAHaircut

If me and dh go to a gig, it's research and development. On holiday, quite often business in included.
It's good in one way because it's business expenses, it's enjoyable so recreational, but it's still business.

HarlotBronte · 28/04/2016 11:38

Work and play bleeds in a lot of jobs really. My friend is a teacher and often when she's out and about or on holiday, she comes across something she can use for a lesson. If you have an Ebay business buying and selling, you might have a look at the local market on holiday. That type of thing.

Kevintheminion · 28/04/2016 11:46

Splendide the resentment has got steadily worse over the years. We got married ten years ago and he was working then but left that job shortly afterwards and hasn't worked since - not because he can't physically work, but because he's played at running his own business a couple of times. Since then I've paid every bill and done all the worrying about money....it's never been a conscious decision that he wouldn't work and be a SAHD just one that has evolved. I have a good career and earn a good salary so it's a situation of my own making that I should have knocked on the head years ago but now I have to deal with the consequences by either putting up or shutting up.

Sorry for hijacking....

Duckdeamon · 28/04/2016 12:28

kevin that sounds awful and very unfair.

splendide I think you should have as much leisure time as your SaH partner! Or at least more than zero! Short breaks are not leisure time.

Philoslothy · 28/04/2016 15:10

I definitely see that hobbies and work are often difficult to distuinguish. One reason why I would not say that I work in the true sense is that I have been able to make my hobbies pay.

Some people are lucky enough to have a job that the involves something they love although just as many - if not more - clock watch

There seems to be an assumption that people are SAHM because they did not have fulfilling jobs. I enjoyed teaching but I wanted to escape timetables, the rat race and endless deadlines.

Flip

1 2 ··· 18 19 20 21 22 23

Swipe left for the next trending thread