To prioritise my husbands job

[Yellowsun11]

Back ground is I have a decent degree , but due to mental health issues proberbly haven't gone as far as I could . I'm
Not particularly interested in a career . Iv had jobs I like but my priority is balancing my home life while children are secondary age and younger . Part because husband earns a fair bit more than me but also because the strain of us both doing full time with my health and family is to much . A couple of friends are horrified by this and have hinted it's not the done thing in this day and age ! Just wondered others views -and situation . I surely aren't the only woman to work round her husbands job? If I could earn as much as him I'm sure he would be part time , - but I can't. And we want one of us to be home for them ( the majority of the time )

rask can I ask how you know that the fathers aren't taking time too?
I insist my DH takes equal time off for childcare but i don't tell my manager that. Ithink I might do now tho.

I'm with TwoAndTwoEqualsChaos above

Husband has left, has lost job and has major addiction issues. I didn't foresee that. I wouldn't have married him if I had.

As the old saying goes, 'Take what you want, and pay for it'.

Splendide this is so true - there are a lot of people (mostly men in my office) who operate at a relaxed pace all day and stay later.

I have a great reputation at work despite being part time and fairly rigid in my hours because I have to pick up DS, because I'm very focused in the time I'm there.

I'm now on a project which involves us all working together all the time and I'm finding it ridiculously hard as the full timers ( who are mostly contractors who commute up here so no families to go home to) seem to see this job as their social life as well, so everything is done at a snail's pace with lots of chatting and socialising, then work needs to be brought home because they are so busy, when if they were just a bit more damn organised and focused everyone could finish at the same time as me with the same amount of work being done, instead of me having to run out half way through meetings to pick up DS from school.

Can't wait until I'm moved onto something else as when I try to explain it , it's clearly me that's at fault for not working full time .

Sorry I'm digressing, but most jobs I think could be done in less hours if people put their minds to it, but some have good reason not to.

My parents are still married. My mum emphasised to me that whatever I did, I should always be able to support myself if I needed to.

Yes exactly Rookie! Luckily it never really affects me, as long as people in my team are getting a reasonable amount of work done they can manage there hours as they wish. I absolutely notice there is no relationship (except arguably an inverse one) between hours spent warming the seats and work produced.

In a team work style situation like you describe it would drive me nuts!

Sorry their hours I meant.

Splendide I certainly notice in every office I've worked in for every woman who is successfully managing to juggle pick ups/drop offs/sick children from time to time, there is a man who has persuaded his wife that his job is somehow far too important for him to be able to do that.

On gender pay gap - women in their 20s generally outearn men in their 20s, it's when they hit their 30s that the gap starts to open. www.theguardian.com/money/2015/aug/29/women-in-20s-earn-more-men-same-age-study-finds

Most women I know earned the same or more than their male partners before children and actively chose to work part-time or take a step down - often claiming that their male partners just had more earning potential when that didn't really seem to be the case.

No matter whether it's the done thing, but your security. I have done the same,e for the past 15 years and am coming to regret it- v rocky marriage, career broken up by pregnancy, career breaks and part time work p, husband's has gone stellar! Guess who could afford th hot shot lawyer?! Keep all your options open for your own sake as far as you can.

It is only very very recently that women in their 20's out earned men in their 20's. I am 51. Throughout my life statistically, men eraned more than women, whether they had children or not.

Wish I was more like you Rookie!

luckily I' ve been able to freelance so can be productive in my own way

To the OP, why did you ask?. Do you worry your friends have a point?

I did this. I ended up becoming a wahm though and now have a career that is becoming more successful than DH if only I had more time. DH is miserable in his work so we're now doing a switch so I do get more time.

Ledkr - because the women tell me that - DH can't take time off because he is doing X, working on Y. Every time.

Rookie, we don't really have equality. I work FT and still do every item on your list. Tbh I have no idea what point I am making, I think I'm just whingeing about everything and everyone!

Of course it's not unreasonable if it suits your family life and you are all happy with it.

I had to give up a good job if DH and I ever wanted to get married. He had an even better job 150 miles away and it would have been pointless to do it the other way round.
Since then we have moved towns 3 times as his career has taken him round the country. I have had longer off as a SAHM with the children than I would have done if I had remained in my original career choice but it has worked for us and although I get occasional misgivings when I see where my contemporaries are now in the organisation, I still (27 years later) don't regret it.

It has had a major impact on my working life/career but probably a positive one on the family as a whole.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I work full time and my husband is a stay at home dad. I've had a lot on my plate over the last two years with professional exams etc and my whole family have put me and my career first because we hope it will enable us to have a better future and because we are a team and this is how we work.

I'm not going to live my life worrying about high divorce rates. I do worry about my husband's feelings of self worth and confidence but at the moment we are doing what is right for our family sending the motivated and driven person out to work and providing care for our kids from the patient, laid back parent - we both work to our strengths.

Raskoln - I too also still did everything when I worked more hours in a senior grade when DS was younger. I cut back due to a health issue as there just wasn't enough of me to go round and frankly I wasn't enjoying life anymore.

I know it was a very unfeminist thing to do, but I had to prioritise my health and wellbeing and it's not like DH wasn't doing some of the stuff. Perhaps I should have pushed harder for him to do more, I don't know.

But to me it felt like the reality was that for our family, with little extended family support, both of us working more or less f/t in highly pressurised jobs wasn't right for us.

So OP if you're happy doing what you're doing and your DH and family are happy, then everyone else should mind their own business.

I get that it makes sense for one partner to take a step back and for the other to be he higher earner. I do wonder why it's almost always the woman though. Most people who post on threads like this seem to think their situation (husband earned more, therefore they took the option to be pt or a sahm) is unusual.

OP it sounds like you have considered all the options and found the right solution for your circumstances. With part time working you are still keeping your hand in as regards career too.

I do however find it depressing how often this is the case. Even in those circumstances where both parents are in similar jobs in terms of opportunities, skills and pay, it always seems to be the woman who becomes the SAHP or part time worker and the DH's career that is prioritised.

Unfortunately DH and I have been unable to have children but before we gave up on the infertility merry go round we had agreed that it would be him who went part time if we had had DC. Amongst my friends it has been the opposite even in those cases where the mother has been the main bread winner.

I see it more as putting my life first rather than putting my husband's career first tbh

I have had six lots of maternity leave and that will have an impact on most people's careers unless they are very ambitious and hardworking and I am neither. If I feel sorry for anybody in this situation it is the men. I have been able to check out on life and have a very relaxed life because we put his career first.

Ok probably committing some kind of MN sin here but here goes: I reduced my working days from 5 to 4 when I returned to work after DS1. It worked for a while but then my career became much more difficult. Going back after DS2 was much harder so I've resigned and I'm planning to get a job rather than a career. I studied for years to get to my position.

I was the highest earner but in terms of house and children my DH just doesn't get the same satisfaction from them as I do. He enjoys his job more than I did, so we decided we could manage on his wage with a smaller income from me and I'd do the lion's share of the housework. Not exactly progressive thinking but we have to do what works for us.

I don't see my successes in life as being focused around my achievements in the work place.

Dont see that as an 'MN sin' but it is a risk, relying on dh. I regret doing this. Things change, people change, hisbands run off

I get that it makes sense for one partner to take a step back and for the other to be he higher earner.

I'm not so sure that it does. I think there are a lot of advantages to sharing work and domestic life more equally.

Financially, there are often tax advantages to both of you working part-time rather than one of you working full-time and the other very part-time. (So, for us, one of the main reasons why we're looking at both going to 4 days a week rather than one of us doing 3 days and the other 5 is because we both earn about 50k and both of us doing 4 days massively reduces the amount of higher rate tax - as well as getting us child benefit.) As well as tax advantages (and I accept that these are not as strong for everyone as they are for us - though I think that people often don't look at this as closely as they should), there are advantages in terms of pensions - both of our employers give us quite a lot in employer pensions contributions and we would be quite a lot worse off in retirement if one of us dropped our hours more considerably.

For contingency planning as well, we both feel more comfortable continuing with careers - if one of us made redundant or becomes ill, we have the back-up of the other. Similarly, if one of us needed to go away for whatever reason - we both have close family overseas - we would feel more secure knowing that the other is completely fine to take care of the children. I have seen some fathers be lost when trying to take care of children by themselves.

And, then, emotionally - and I appreciate that this isn't the case for everyone - I think we would both enjoy sharing both work and family life, rather than one of us doing one and the other doing the other.

I'm not trying to say that this is for everyone but I don't agree that it's a given that one person needs to take a step back, I think it's possible for both parents to take half a step back and for that to be quite a positive thing.

Rookie, were you being tongue in cheek when you used an example that your life was hard because you have a cleaner but "have to do the liaison with her and put the money out"??

We have gone from it being unacceptable for a married woman to work to a situation where it is deemed odd for a woman not to work. It is the pendulum effect and hopefully at some point soon it will settle down in the middle, and women (and indeed men) will be able to choose how they live their lives and what works best for their family without someone pointing the finger.

In the meantime, you must do what suits your family best and to hell with what anyone else thinks.

In the meantime you must do what suits your family best and to hell with what anyone else thinks

I agree with this sentiment whole heartedly.

I just think on a societal level it seems that in most circumstances what suits every individual best is that the woman is the one who steps back.

I'm assuming it's to do with socialisation that men (for the most part) don't want their career to take a back seat while women are happy to.

rookiemere feminism smeninism lol the whole point of feminism in my view is for women to have the choice. I would love to be a sahm if our finances suited and my DH was happy in his job. Looking after the house really doesn't bother me. On the other hand, I do enjoy work as well. I'm on a career path that I really love and with our finances changing in that direction DH and I are happy for him to give up work. Part of that is because of another big move and this time for me. I've moved 4 times for DH so it's about time it's reciprocated ;)

As for the worry of divorce, I choose not to worry about it. If it happens it happens and we'll work something out. Both of us can be vindictive when hurt but would never hurt the children so that means we would definitely work together to raise them. Plus having something in place in case of divorce suggests that I didn't believe the marriage was going to work in the first place and was just waiting for it to end. That's just my view though.