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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To prioritise my husbands job

574 replies

Yellowsun11 · 23/04/2016 11:21

Back ground is I have a decent degree , but due to mental health issues proberbly haven't gone as far as I could . I'm
Not particularly interested in a career . Iv had jobs I like but my priority is balancing my home life while children are secondary age and younger . Part because husband earns a fair bit more than me but also because the strain of us both doing full time with my health and family is to much . A couple of friends are horrified by this and have hinted it's not the done thing in this day and age ! Just wondered others views -and situation . I surely aren't the only woman to work round her husbands job? If I could earn as much as him I'm sure he would be part time , - but I can't. And we want one of us to be home for them ( the majority of the time )

OP posts:
harshbuttrue1980 · 27/04/2016 12:47

I feel sorry for men who are saddled with a woman who changes her mind about working when she is married or has school-age children. The thing is, back in the days of housewives, men's jobs were much more secure, and property prices were lower. You didn't always need the security of two incomes. Also, due to the lack of labour saving devices like hoovers, washing machines etc, running a home was a full-time job.

I don't think its fair for working to be an option for women, while for most men there is no option. Looking after children under school-age is a full-time job, but I don't see the need for a woman to have to stay at home all the time when the kids are at school. It puts far too much pressure on the man, and why should women get to hide from the realities of life? The people who do this will be on mumsnet when their husband has left, whinging about the fact that the judge says no to maintenance payments and they have to stand on their own two feet.

JayDot500 · 27/04/2016 12:54

Givepeasachance, I'll never give up my job. But I see the appeal in doing so. Since having my son, I feel differently about work. I want to spend time away from him on something worthwhile. My current job is okay, but I want to progress. I'm looking into options. The women who do quit their jobs to stay at home are doing it because being a mum is fulfilling for them, I can respect that if they are financially capable of doing so.

My husband is very, ahem, traditional. He is fine with me being the primary care giver. He earns more than enough, but he actually encourages me to look into what I can do to progress in my field. He'd never give up his job, but I wouldn't expect him to because unlike me, he LOVES his job. But also, thanks to him, I have a year of leave to recollect my thoughts and create a plan, between the crying, feeding and nappy changes obviously!

If I had to work to put food on the table, like my mum did, I'd probably not be so concerned with my own career vs work internal debate. I'd just get on with it instead of all this musing.

NewLife4Me · 27/04/2016 14:09

harsh

Realities of life differ from one to another though. Working is not a reality of my life and hasn't been since having the children.
I am looking for something pt atm but nothing seems to jump out at me as something I'd like to change my life for. Mine are adults now apart from dd who boards.
I won't be winging if heaven forbid dh runs off with somebody else, there's no reason why I would.
Also, we have always managed on one low income, so it isn't going that far back when it was possible. It depends on where you live, your lifestyle choices and standard of living you want.

WindPowerRanger · 27/04/2016 15:23

I've met quite a few men who feel stuck in their long hours bread-winning roles and desperately sad about having missed out on life with their children.

Certainly, while some of the older men where I work made the usual assumptions about how the women would organise work and childcare, there was quite a bit of quiet 'Good for you, I wish I'd been able to do that' from them when women returned to work after having children and made changes so they could be at home more. Ditching the stereotypes and allowing more flexibility would be good for everybody. Including employers. Plus, I have never understood why any government, or the State more generally, thinks it should have any say over who in a family does the childcare or the housework and generates policies to ensure their preferred choice holds sway.

I no longer engage when anyone starts the working mother stuff. If possible, I offer no information at all. Women are always in the wrong, and I'm sick of it. In my own family, there are SAHM, WOHM, people who have used nannies, people who have used childminders, people who have used nurseries. There hasn't been much discernible difference in outcome so far- good adult relationships on the whole, and thriving children all round.

HarlotBronte · 27/04/2016 16:37

Indeed, whatever a woman does there's someone waiting to give her a world of shit for it. I must say though, it being stupid not to have a hobby is a new one on me. I've heard of SAHM shaming and WOHM shaming. I had not, until today, realised that not having or wanting a hobby was something negative. And here was me feeling quite content with my lot!

WindPowerRanger · 27/04/2016 16:51

My hobby is lying on the sofa staring into space. Quiet, accessible, zero environmental impact, easy to become an expert. Marvellous!

RichardHead · 27/04/2016 17:37

So why are pilates and zumba pathetic hobbies but running and cycling not?

Not that I indulge in any of them, I'm with WindPower, I find sitting on my arse the most fulfilling hobby of all.

flirtygirl · 27/04/2016 18:00

Read the whole thread and didnt feel the need to comment until now as im obviously stupid for having no hobbies. So a whole new way to shame a woman has been born.

HarlotBronte · 27/04/2016 18:01

As do I. But if I must move my carcass at speed, there'd fucking better be a banging soundtrack and somewhere out of the rain and wind for me to do it in.

Jemappelle · 27/04/2016 18:27

Yeah the hobby thing has killed the thread for me. I'm a passionate person about my career but hobbies? Gardening

Jemappelle · 27/04/2016 18:28

Posted too soon. Gardening and singing is too tame I suppose. Cheerios fellow bored folk - I'm off to dine and watch Gilmore girls that's my hobby

Yorkiebar71 · 27/04/2016 18:38

My ex dh agreed on me leaving my well paid full time job to work evenings part time when my DS was born, however 3 years ago he decided being a full time parent was too much pressure and left. I now can't get back into my previous career and struggling for every penny so I understand why ops friends are concerned

Waitingfordolly · 27/04/2016 18:42

Brigid Schulte (?) in her book Overwhelmed concludes from her research that women in the whole don't find time to have "fun" whereas men are more likely to do that. I find time for exercise but I'm not sure I'd describe those as fun or hobbies, having a hobby does just feel like something extra to do. Once DD has left though I can imagine having lots of hobbies!

Duckdeamon · 27/04/2016 18:44

Sorry to hear that Yorkie.

Grin about lack of hobby shaming! Have actually experienced competitive hobby-talk at work: we all had to write a few lines about ourselves for a team thing, loads of people listed a gazillion hobbies! It did make for more interesting chats than work though.

givepeasachance · 27/04/2016 18:56

The point about hobbies seems to have unintentionally shamed people.

The thing about it is that Fathers Who Do All the Providing often seem to think they deserve 'relaxation time' at the weekends too and go off doing time consuming hobbies of which cycling is just one (fishing is an extreme one). All while the women do more caring and domestic duties (unpaid)

Mothers, on the other hand are more than happy to give up their hobbies, which is interesting because it is just another example of women putting themselves last.

There is nothing wrong with Zumba per se, but it was said as a "WOW MOTHER DOES ZUMBA ONCE A FORTNIGHT SHOCKER, isn't she lucky " type of way.

Mothers just don't have as many time consuming hobbies as men, and that is interesting.

StealthPolarBear · 27/04/2016 19:04

My hobby is admiring my lovely clean oven. I cam post a picture if anyone wants to see :o

NewLife4Me · 27/04/2016 19:05

My hobbies are time consuming.
I practice my music for about 1- 2 hours a day, in between dh practice.
I have done lots of things in the past, but agree with the Zumba mentality.
I met women like this at belly dancing, many years ago. Shock horror they got a night off once a week. So I can see where that comment comes from.
Now I'm a bit older I don't dance, well only the 7 veils for dh Grin, I jest.
I enjoy genealogy and admit to spending far too much time doing this. I also get out and meet friends, enjoy socialising and love it that I have no more school runs and having to be back for a certain time.
I go to the theatre, concerts, and occasionally watch tv, well Home Fires and YMOTY atm.

I also sit on my arse and Mnet too.

HarlotBronte · 27/04/2016 19:13

Oh it didn't shame me givepeasachance. DH and I both have the same number of Proper Hobbies we had pre DC, which is none, so my feminist conscience is clear. I just thought some of the posts were verging on the silly, and the hobby thing was first mentioned in the context of 'seeing SAHMs who don't even have a hobby'. That, without context, is problematic. And the zumba remark had unfortunate connotations of man thing=proper, woman thing=silly and insignificant.

Stillwishihadabs · 27/04/2016 19:15

Why does for eg; cycling take up hours and hours ? I just don't recognise this at all. Dh will often do a quick 30k (takes what an hour and a half tops ?) while DS is a football on a Sunday morning. As mentioned up thread I run for 20 mins to 30 mins 3 times a week again I don't find this eats in to family time. Even if you did the London last Sunday, that would still leave most of the afternoon , btw I do remember my dad taking me the park on my bike in the afternoon after he ran the London , we also used to go and support him. Why should these things take up whole weekends ?

whatamidoinghereanyway · 27/04/2016 19:30

The hobby thing was just a dig and a further way to try and disrespect mothers who decide to stop working or take a break from working.

Search any thread on sahm v wohm and you'll probably find many comments about how much time mothers who don't work have for their hobbies.

Some people might be surprised to find my hobbies don't include wiping my husbands arse, folding his boxers or mopping his brow after a day of graft at work. I read German literature, run marathons and skate (ice). Never done Pilates though although I used to play badminton. I am considering learning swedish and Danish too after working my way through all the Danish box sets .Ahhhhhh hobbies all that time for hobbies, I do love my life Smile

pearlylum · 27/04/2016 19:41

I love my hobbies too.

I do body pump 4 mornings a week, I run twice a week, do yoga, I paint, I write, I run a breastfeeding support group, I play guitar, I sit on 2 local NHS committees, I work at the local food bank and I attend a weekly sculpture class.

Us poor SAHMs with no life outside our kids and husband Life is just too cruel.

NewLife4Me · 27/04/2016 19:46

what

I am hopefully starting a short course in the not too distant future, it's part of a research project (ongoing) to preserve the Romany Gypsy language. It's not Romanian like many would believe but a mix of all types of different languages.
It sounds very different and I can't wait. Was meant to do it last year but was a bit busy with other hobbies Grin

All my education was received as a sahm, it didn't cost me a penny, I had tc whilst I studied and my PgCE was funded.
I did a HND, BA Hons Maths English and PgCE, it was great fun and pay back for the state failing me as a child.

Jemappelle · 27/04/2016 19:51

pearlymum is back again to shame the poor frazzled gits for whom she has previously felt very sad Grin

Jemappelle · 27/04/2016 19:53

You know what?

Frazzled is my new word. Frazzled. I can imagine a frizzy haired diva with a dazzle. Frazzled.

It's gone right up there with cockwombler, and donkeychuff.

pearlylum · 27/04/2016 19:57

jemapelle,

I will quote givepeas om this one- she seems to think she knows all about SAHms

" I see people who make excuses not to show up in life and instead live through their families - as I said earlier - a mass codependency and the codependent anger comes in your 50s and 60s when you have nothing in your life after giving to others all your life. And yes, this is a women's issue because it is predominantly women who do it.

I see SAHMs who don't even have a hobby FFS. It's like a strange martyrdom and yes it bugs the shit out of me."

She is so accurate, it's spooky.